Healing, leads right into new problems.

[Moto]

Hi all, sorry for yet another new thread, it just seems to not relate to any of my previous, I was curious as to what walls other people are also hitting, in their time for themselves.

 

Firstly I have been thinking of going back to school (I went through for networking, have my CISCO certification, and Nortel respectively) , but went nowhere with it, and although I have no regrets, as I did find out it wasn't for me.

 

I am now thinking that I would like to go through for psychology, but I do not want to develop a nihilistic viewpoint on life, or establish an ego beyond repair. My constant provision of a well of knowledge to my friends, and my ex, inevitably pushes them away when I try to tell them their view's are wrong, and I think that if I went through for psychology, it would only further enhance this major flaw that I have been attempting to rid myself of. (which is point number two)

 

It really is a flaw, and I was not this way until I was around people who were very pessimistic, for a long time (my ex's family to be exact, i developed it when I lived with them) , so I will learn to suppress this character flaw I have acquired, until it no longer exists.

 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and views. I have no right to tell them it is wrong, unless they ask for my advice, or I truly believe that it will harm them, or others. This is the best route I feel for not harming someone else's emotions, and I am slowly embracing it, and it truly makes me feel better to not point out things, or try to show them their view is wrong... It really isn't wrong if it's what they believe.

 

Who's to tell a colourblind person that the sky they see with their very own eyes is blue, not red, like they see it. Just because they are not the same as us does not make them wrong. I use this example because you TRULY cannot tell someone what they see is wrong, you can inform them the majority of people see it as blue, and they can believe you.. But they will always see it as red, and that is right to them.

 

Another wall I have seemed to hit in this process is feeling lonely, or like I have no friends because I am not with someone all the time. I got so used to always being with my ex, as soon as I was done work, and she was done, that it really has torn my world.

 

I forgot how to be alone, I truly did. It just makes me feel lethargic, and like I have no one in the world... Because I may have to stay home, alone, for a day or two as my friends are busy. It's ridiculous to feel alone , just by having some time to yourself, yet I cannot convince myself otherwise.

 

Sometimes it feels like I should move back home (I moved accross the country to be with her) but I don't have much of a situation to go back to, in fact, I like where I am. I have a great group of friends , and still have contact with everyone back where I live whom are important to me.

 

There just seems to be a void, which cannot be filled. I don't long for her in my life, but I do long for someone special in my life. One step at a time though.

 

Feel free to post your own barriers you have come accross, and maybe we can get through them together.

[Desiderata]

I know that you are happy with your job right now, but I think going back to school is a great idea. We had a mini discussion in one of your threads about how psychology is wonderful but is definitely manipulative in some ways - you might start to think that there is a psychological explanation to everything or if someone has a problem try to explain it to them in that way instead of just giving them concrete advice and really helping them.

 

Pessimistic people are the worst to be around - my family is like that most of the time (though they are back and forth) where as I am a total optimist. My ex was pessimistic about everything to the point where it seemed like he could be happy with something but still have a negative view about whatever it was.

 

You're right in the fact that people can have their own views and opinions - but if they are telling you and you feel like it's not in their best interest (physically, emotionally, anything) then it's really your job to help them since they are giving you the information willingly.

 

I'm settled into my dorm now - all unpacked except for my school supplies and stuff. My roommate is nice, she's quiet but she seems okay. It's just hard being here and having to look at the places that we've been to or just think about him because he always used to be here with me. I feel like I'm here and I have great friends here but normally tonight I would have been seeing him - going over and watching a movie (or not watching a movie) and just being with him.

 

I know I will have an ample amount of time this semester to just be with myself - make new friends, go places, just have a lot of time for me. I'm just not used to not having him always there for me - he's not going to come over whenever I need him, we aren't going to hang out on the weekends where I stay over for two whole days, things like that. I understand you so well in that aspect too - alone time is great but not when you feel like it's not what you should be doing or you aren't used to doing, it's overwhelming.

 

I had almost forgotten that you moved all the way accross country to be with her, I know you had mentioned it before. It would just be hard to move back though - as you said, you're so established there already and it's not like you've lost contact with anyone from back home.

 

I just long for someone that will be with me and help me through things - be with me always like he was, but couldn't be sometimes and like he doesn't want to be now. I was talking with a friend yesterday and he's like "I think broken girls are the easiest to get with - they seem so vulnerable" and he asked me if that was true, but didn't insult me and I told him he was right. Not that I would be with just anyone right now, but that emptiness and the longing for companionship is so great that I'm sure some people would do that just to fill the void, but I'm sure it would feel so much worse after.

 

You just know that it's not the right time - though you want someone there in your life I know it would be hard for you. Right now I'm just having a hard time dealing with leaving my friends and family so suddenly yesterday and today and just jumping right back into my school routine. I have friends here but nothing like at home. I don't have my ex and he used to be this constant source of.. I'm not really sure what, but he was always there. Being with him was inevitable and now it's not.

 

But everyone is telling me this is a good time for a fresh start. It's hard thinking about that though - doing things so differently and having to be with myself so much and really figure out what I can do for myself now that I'm not with someone. I'm excited in some ways, but still very scared.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I am the opposite of you or recently I have really trully become that since my break-up. I actually want to be alone and enjoy my own company. I used to party with my friends almost every week yet now I feel like sitting home and just bask in my own presense.

Yet I do wish I had that thing which you explain: someone special in my life and a void which no friend can fill. Ok well, they do make me feel a bit better for sure. I guess that's just something we all go thru after we have (almost) healed. I think it's kind of like a sign that shows your ready to date, yet I prefer to hold on a bit longer and not really date for now. I think if I were to date and then get dumped soon again, I would take it pretty hard once again... And I am in no mood to go thru yet another dating disaster.

[just M.E.]

"There just seems to be a void, which cannot be filled. I don't long for her in my life, but I do long for someone special in my life."

 

BINGO!!! It is so hard to adjust to being without someone special when you have had that. My ex and I were 24/7 for 7 yrs. I want that closeness back but I'm not ready to date. You do a very good job of expressing yourself here, but we're a lessor subsitute.

 

This one I don't get: "I am now thinking that I would like to go through for psychology, but I do not want to develop a nihilistic viewpoint on life, or establish an ego beyond repair. My constant provision of a well of knowledge to my friends, and my ex, inevitably pushes them away when I try to tell them their view's are wrong, and I think that if I went through for psychology, it would only further enhance this major flaw that I have been attempting to rid myself of. (which is point number two)

 

It really is a flaw, and I was not this way until I was around people who were very pessimistic, for a long time (my ex's family to be exact, i developed it when I lived with them) , so I will learn to suppress this character flaw I have acquired, until it no longer exists."

 

You seem very aware and observant and from the response I read you have given others, you seem to have a great capacity for empathy. And you can be objective. I think all these traits are wonderful for pschology. So I am not sure why you feel you have a "major flaw". My impressions are you are intelligent and wise, maybe what you are seeing a negatives are really positive. I would think you involved in psychology would focus and temper these gifts. The down side might be the level of your emotions and caring, can you hold it in check to protect yourself when you would be in a professional situation? I know the people I know in phsycology and similar professions have a tough time when someone needs help and they find that person won't let anyone help them. I would have liked to be involved in that, but I am afraid I couldn't hold my distance when needed.

 

It's funny you should mention the lethargy, I was an extremely energetic person before my ex left and before I met him, now I swing back and forth but mostly I feel attention deficiet. Being self critical by nature, I tend to beat myself up for not getting enough done, especially with my lifestyle which allows little room for not taking care of things.

 

I wonder how much these break ups can mimic some of the psycological traumas such as PTSS?

 

anyway MOTO, my first emotional response in reading your post was "No, don't deny who you are, you are ok, you should be who you are" That was my gut response, take it for that, but I think nothing in you should be suppressed, maybe tempered and used as needed but suppressing, .... that's not good,

I am who I am, and I ain't who I ain't ... Popeye

[Coyote9]

I would add, as several others have said, that it is true that we filled that void in us with our relationships. I know very few people who can come out of a relationship and not feel a tremendous void....and most of those people are obviously not on ENA but out doing their lives.

 

I know the feelings of lonliness, aimlessness and apathy all too well. Moto, I would only say that there's no reason to make any life changing decisions at this juncture, as they would be likely born out of the trauma you have experienced as this relationship has ended and may in fact not be what you want to do, but only what you feel you want to do in order to demonstrate to yourself you've moved on.

 

If you are inspired by something, go for it! Be it school, a job change, new hobbies. Bu it's totally ok to be home alone and not feel up to going out, even as you might feel very lonely at the same time. I have experienced going out, or certainly dating, and finding myself just as lonely out in a crowd or on a date as at home, maybe worse.

 

Let yourself heal and measure your success not in quantum leaps but in little things you accomplish or insights you gain with each new day, knowing also there will be days when you feel you've lost ground. As long as you stay to NC and keep moving ahead and working this through in your mind, you are moving.

 

Take solace in the fact that you have come such a long way in a short time, and don't pressure yourself to do anything that doesn't feel right, even if the temporary condition you find yourself in is aimless and at times empty of meaning or direction. All things in due course!

[Moto]

Desi, the main reason I am thinking about going back to school, as shallow as it is, is because I want society to view me as a intelligent man. I really love carpentry, but whenever I meet other people in my trade, they are in it because it's good money, to support negative habits. It's not true for ALL of them, just the majority in this area. Other people may view me as guilty by association, as shallow as it is.

 

However, I am aspiring to become a project manager, and feel that is a more prestigious title then having a BA or Masters, could ever be, but I know it will take minimum 10-15 years in order to get to that point, and I don't know... Maybe I'm just paranoid that people look down upon tradesmen, even though there is quite the skill-set required for every trade in order to get your ticket.

 

If I like doing it I shouldn't care what others think, I know. And if anyone looks down upon me for it, without knowing me, then I don't want to meet them anyways. Yet a part of me thinks without a BA, I will not succeed in a career. The things that get pounded into us in high school... I tell you.

 

I really hope you are adapting well to your new situation Desi, i bet that lonely feeling will fade as soon as you get back into a bit of a routine! Good luck this year I hope you start it off well.

 

Jeckyll , I embraced it for about a week... Then not that I got fed up with it, it's just not in me haha. I'm glad you are embracing it , and living well doing it. When the time comes to fill the void you'll know. Everything for me came so fast that I'm still trying to sort it out and my void cannot be filled..

 

Just Me - Again thank you so much for your input.

 

BINGO!!! It is so hard to adjust to being without someone special when you have had that. My ex and I were 24/7 for 7 yrs. I want that closeness back but I'm not ready to date. You do a very good job of expressing yourself here, but we're a lessor subsitute.

 

As sadly as it is to admit, this is true that expressing myself here doesn't feel the same as it would with my ex, or someone else I deem important. I genuinely care, and am attached to many people on these forums, but it just does not feel the same.

 

We were only together three years, and about 6 months before that we were great friends. Since day one we talked for minimum 5 hours a day. Can't imagine going seven years, then not having that connection... You seem to be doing well though, and I commend you.

 

I would have liked to be involved in that, but I am afraid I couldn't hold my distance when needed.

 

I have this fear as well. It does not frustrate me, but it saddens me when people shut me out, and can't accept help when they clearly need it. It doesn't make them wrong, or a bad person... It's just the nature of people like us who don't like to see others in pain, with no resolve.

 

I know I should not suppress a trait I have developed, but maybe I should be more selective when using it. It was the main reason my ex left me, I always had to try to show her what i deemed "right", and had a lack of respect for some of her immature views... Now I view them as blessings... To think that she honestly believed some of the things that she said... I wish I could have so much optimism and faith.

 

Coyote - Wouldn't it be ... Not so much nice, but ... EASIER if we could just go and live our lives, and let love find us rather then worrying about it, and this aforementioned void?

 

Thank you for the very logical standpoint on not making a life changing decision. I have been thinking about going back to school for awhile, but had no way to pay for it, and keep a strong active relationship at the same time. I will think about it more in due time, and enjoy what I'm doing right now. I don't genuinely feel inspired by school, as I would be giving up a very good job, and place to work, as you can tell from this post it's a very strange shallow feeling that even has me thinking about it.

 

I will start to take solace in the fact that I have not let this destroy me for an elongated period. I learned that i had the capacity to love, truly love, another person. I also learned what it was like to lose it. ALthough it feels negative now.. I'm sure it will make the future all the better when I stumble into love again.

 

Thank you Coyote, I hope you are doing better today.

[Desiderata]

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting society to view you as an established and educated individual. People will do that - they will think you possess habits and a lifestyle equal to those that truly do, some can be superficial like that.

 

It will take 10-15 years to get your degree, or to become a project manager? Or you're getting your degree to become that... sometimes I'm easily confused. People can look down on your all they want but it's just like what we were saying about appearance - they can only judge you after they've really gotten to know you and even then it is a matter of opinion.

 

And I know the feeling, I do. I always knew I wanted to go to college, because it seemed like the right thing to do and (for me) pretty much the only thing I wanted to do. I know that I will not be able to teach in most places without my Masters, so that's the path I'm on. But it's just ridiculous - my aunt has her high school diploma and she works for some rich company in New York and makes $100,000 a year which is just crazy. She isn't married, she just lives in this giant house with her cat. Somehow that seems unfair.

 

The lonely feeling is something that I know I can say something about now and it will change once I'm past it. Like right now if I say "I don't feel like things will get better" I can either look back and think I was silly or I can look back and be like "Oh, I was right" so I am not going to stipulate. I'm 20 minutes from my ex now which is killing me, but I avoided seeing him today as my parents went to get my things from his house. I just got back from getting ice cream with a friend and she is so supportive. She's like "Allie, you know that you are still loved - you are so amazing and I love you and you will never be alone" and it just made me so happy, as I was crying while telling her the whole story (she was in Nepal and Tibet for the whole summer).

 

I think you just really need to think about what will make you truly happy. It's hard not to give in to what we think will be most presentable or accepted to others, but that mixed in with what you truly want for your life will give you the answer. It will always be uncertain - I mean you got your degree and haven't used it to your advantage or your liking - but it will just take a lot of thinking to determine what you want/need to do.

[just M.E.]

MOTO

"the main reason I am thinking about going back to school, as shallow as it is, is because I want society to view me as a intelligent man."

 

Not shallow, you are intelligent, let the world benefit from that intelligence, go for when you are ready. When I was your age I did a few things that everyone said I couldn't. When they sad you can't do that, you're a woman, I replied with a smile, Just watch me.

 

When your ready don't let anyone rain on your parade, you are intelligent, use it in life or you will be so unhappy not doing so. Trust me, this is one thing in life I know.

[just M.E.]

oh by the way, the doing well after the 7 yrs, I'm really only getting by. I guess knowing the drill, not being my first rodeo, so to speak, helps but I have been in therapy for 4 yrs trying to learn how to deal with this marriage / man. I have learned a lot from that, have a lot more to learn.

As I have said before this is ugly, difficult, but somehow inside I have gained a knowledge of myself and who I am and can be through this. I would have rather learned in a few nice fuzzy seminars doing yoga or drinking tea but this is what I got instead. I guess you work with what you got.

What he doesn't know and probalby never will is he threw away a really good woman.

And your ex did the same.

[Moto]

Desi - 10-15 years to become a project manager. You pretty much have to learn how every trade works, structural engineering, design, and every other aspect of home building. Most general contractors are very under qualified, and tend to rob people of their hard earned money by not doing things "right". It deeply offends me because the people that hire these men do not know what a renovation, or new house , actually NEEDS, and how much effort goes into it from various people, in various professions. The project manager collaborates all of this, in a sense, and makes sure every tradesman does his job properly, without flaw. Perhaps one of the most complex jobs in existence, in my views, and not one course that can train you for this, other then learning as you go.

 

Your aunt must have done something right along the way, just because she doesn't have an education does not make her less worthy of things she's earned throughout her life, you know this.

 

I doubt career wise, I'll figure out what I want to do for a long time. I know what I want OUT of life, and how being well off financially is probably a main factor in how to get there.

 

Just Me - Well, even if you think you're "just getting by" at the moment, you seem to compose yourself very well.

 

It's sad that we have to learn life's lessons through tragedy, isn't it? But how do we genuinely learn sadness, and our own versions of happiness, without it? As hard as it is, we would not know how any of our emotions actually feel, until we experience them. Even then, we can label our personal feelings however we want, as no one can tell us how we feel.

 

Oh, and I sure hope my ex didn't throw away a good woman! ;D just kidding, thank you again.

 

THECURE - WHAT in the world?????

[just M.E.]

yeh, yeh .... you knew what I meant

[Desiderata]

JeckyllNHyde - Allie would be me. I decided to post something someone said to me in my response and yeah, he/she decided to use my name. Creeepy.

 

Moto - Being a project manager sounds very interesting and important. I can see why you need to have that many years of training or classes or whatever it is. Learning as you go sounds intriguing - like you can learn so much from what you are taught and the rest is just things that you experience. I mean that happens with anything, but the way you put it makes it sound so much more exciting than anything else.

 

And I do know this about my aunt, of course I do. I guess I did sound condescending or bitter and for that I apologize. Clearly she is qualified in ways that others are not and she got where she is by having something that people with an advanced degree may or may not have. Now I feel ashamed for even suggesting that it is "unfair"... I think I meant that it is - I do not know, but I think you understand. Just that she can get where she is and not have that degree - perhaps another word choice would have been appropriate. *kicks self*

 

Knowing what you want out of life is a start. It's good in so many ways that you know now what you do not want to do and you can just move on from there and think about the endless possibilities that await. But does that last sentence suggest that you are not well off financially or just that you want to be? I would certainly hope for the latter instead of the former.

 

And I agree that THECURE is creepy. I like attention, but not being followed with cryptic comments. *hides*

 

Haha just M.E. typical typo, but very funny.

[JeckyllNHyde]

JeckyllNHyde - Allie would be me. I decided to post something someone said to me in my response and yeah, he/she decided to use my name. Creeepy.

 

hahaha that's so creepy isn't it Allie? (lol, sorry sorry, hope it's not out of line, just had to do that

[Desiderata]

Haha it's not creepy at all. It was just creepy that I was like "Well my friend said "Allie..." etc. and then he/she was like "Do you want to do this, this this" and I'm like ? yeah you know my name because I said it, but I do not enjoy the creepy posts that make me think you are looking through my window ahhh! I'm okay with people on here knowing my name and using it like you did (I admit I did laugh out loud) but not when it's a post that ruins Moto's thread and makes us all go huh? For real.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Oh good, LOL, I was trying to delete it b/c I didn't want to get warned or something in case someone didn't see the humor

 

And Moto, I think persuing project manager isn't only good for the titel but also b/c nowdays it's a bit hard to get a job. And with such a good diploma it will be much easier. This way you have the titel and then you also get to help out with the carpentry. Your so lucky you will be able to be doing something you love and also earn money. Oh yea, and I hear the pay isn't too shabby compared to a carpenters.

[Optigan]

Being colorblind is ok with me - some of my best friends are colorblind. But the question is, would you hire a colorblind person to paint your room?

 

This applies to every other area of life, really. Would you choose someone who doesn't see the good in you to be your partner or friend? Would you like to spend your free time talking about life with someone who stubbornly refuses to see the way things are around them?

 

You might, but this will most probably let you down. If you always step back so you don't contradict people around you, they might see it as the affirmation of themselves and might like you for it; feel comfortable. But what about you?

[Optigan]

And, oh yeah, if you choose to not be authentic, it still doesn't guarantee you things will not fall apart.

[Moto]

And Moto, I think persuing project manager isn't only good for the titel but also b/c nowdays it's a bit hard to get a job. And with such a good diploma it will be much easier. This way you have the titel and then you also get to help out with the carpentry. Your so lucky you will be able to be doing something you love and also earn money. Oh yea, and I hear the pay isn't too shabby compared to a carpenters.

 

80-100k a year, vs 40-70k. Both are truly high paying jobs, if you find the right place to work, or have your own business. In just a single day, I realized I actually DO love what I'm doing right now, and I love the people I work with. Why would I need to go back to school at this moment, and not just ride my life in the direction it's been going? SO simple, yet so hard to grasp sometimes.

 

Optigan, those are perhaps the best points I've read. I feel like if I contradict people around me, it puts a negative light on me. If they're not asking for someone elses opinion, rather then getting their own ideas out there, what's the harm in that? I could harmlessly say "That's a great way to look at it, I see it as...". Suppressing this acquired character trait is not the best idea, but finding a new, more positive way to use it would be I think.

[Optigan]

Well, whatever you do, you'll still be right and they'll still be wrong, so it's kinda tough....

[Desiderata]

It's only so hard to grasp because there is the prospect of something new or something better - though you love what you are doing right now it's hard not to think about moving forward now because it's so tempting. Stay where you are and be happy, or try to pursue something higher and see what happens - oh the dilemma.

 

And no matter what you say to people sometimes, they can take it the wrong way. I know because I do that a lot - my emotions are extra sensitive right now and I've become pretty fragile in my healing process. I believe it stems from always worrying about what my ex would think about everything I said and how much I was criticized for just needing to talk about things. I hope those things will too go away with time. I just need to lighten up and know that I can talk to people openly and you just need to keep trying to be optimistic with your work situation - whether you decide to pursue something else or not - and just find ways to ease yourself into becoming a better and more positive person.

[Moto]

Such a dilemma, the ability to advance ourselves, in our society, is truly great. We're not stuck by any means, in any position. This is what confuses me so much, now that I have all the options opened up to me, and I'm not supporting myself and another, and making sure I could keep up the lifestyle we were leading (we went out, and did alot of expensive activities). All these new doors open with what seems to be my extra money now, and I don't know what to do. I honestly don't, thus, a wall.

 

It seems every day new ideas buzz around in my brain, today it all shut down when I went for a good ride this morning with my buddy, and fell hard, bent my handlebars on my bike, and broke a toe + sprained my foot. Yes, my foot, i have no clue what part. It's swollen, and my toe's black, so that wasn't very fun... However, i continued to ride for about 3 hours, as the view was so good, and the dirt was in pretty good shape (not to dusty) .

[just M.E.]

I have been able to switch directions, change careers about 5 times and I have friends who have done the same. The world has changed enough that what was a good idea 25 years ago, isn't want I wanted to do later. Today, I'm working in a situation that grew out of what my ex and I did with our business.

When my daughter was making your choices I told her to follow her heart and to remember than she will make many changes in direction in her life.

[Jess...]

Another wall I have seemed to hit in this process is feeling lonely, or like I have no friends because I am not with someone all the time. I got so used to always being with my ex, as soon as I was done work, and she was done, that it really has torn my world.

 

There just seems to be a void, which cannot be filled. I don't long for her in my life, but I do long for someone special in my life. One step at a time though.

 

I can totally identify with this. My ex and I were together all the time too, when I finished work, I would head up to his place for a chat, or if it was a weekend, he would usually head out to my place, and then we'd be together all weekend (unless he had to work. Which happened quite often towards the end). When we broke up, for the first at least few weeks, maybe months, I'd finish work and go "omg, what do I do now? I have all this spare time!!!" and I'd go home, and watch tv, or just sit, and think "I should be at "matts" house right now. I'd be in his arms right about now" or "we'd be doing this right now" or "we'd be doing that" it drove me insane. But slowly, I got used to all this newfound "spare" time, and now, 8 months down the track, I don't have any!! What used to be spare, empty time, that I didn't know how to fill, has become filled with various activities that I need to do every day (eg. watch tv, - haha - have a shower, cook dinner, work, anything else I might happen to have on my to do list, you get the picture) The loneliness fades with time, but you have to realise that. It will take time, that is the hardest part.

 

I also identify with having the void. My void was like a big gaping hole in my forehead for a while - really noticeable, and how could I ever fix it? I felt like I couldn't do anything without him... Looking at it with a clear head now though, and now that I'm a bit more emotionally removed, I think it is not necessarily him that I miss and long for (although it most definatley is) but maybe its just the having someone there all the time, the familiarity, the closeness.

 

Thats what scares me about getting to know someone new, is I won't have the familiarity...I hate the thought of being awkward around him until we know each other well. I hate the thought of not being to able to just relax, and completely be myself, sort of being on my best behaviour, until I know that he wants to be with me because I'm me...and I hate the thought that it won't be my ex...But I've accepted it, and I just keep telling myself that it was awkward and weird around my ex at first, it took time to build up the familiarity, the closeness that we had. We were together for 14 months! I'm not going to be completely comfortable with a new bloke after just a couple of weeks!

 

You'll be fine. One step at a time, like you said. That's all you can do. Just know that you're not alone. I know exactly what you're going through. Hope I helped a little

[Moto]

Just Me - Thank you again. I realize I will never end up doing the same thing for the rest of my days, but my frontal lobe tells me one choice, is the last choice! Strange, but I'll get over it, and continue on for now.

 

Jess... - I hope it goes away... I try to do everything I need to that day, then it still seems like I have a void. I can't just say "Hey, you want to watch a movie?" which generally meant cuddle snuggle time. I can't ask her if she'd like to join me on a run to the mall, or store, to get anything. I mean it's okay and dandy to do all these activities we used to do, alone, but it just isn't the same. We could always make something simple, fun. "How is that ever going to be replaced?" I ask myself.

 

The same thing scares me about meeting someone new. The first day I met my ex I talked to her for about ten hours. I met her on the internet at random, on some stupid little chat game, I wasn't even looking for a girlfriend, nor she a boyfriend. She was on at her cousin's house to pass the time. Strange, isn't it? It , as stereotypical as it sounds, feels like I will never find someone else as good for me as she was.

 

I can't comprehend why she would throw me away like she did, after everything we've been through in the last three years together. I honestly do not understand why, and may never...

 

This is the hardest part. The last time I saw her it was like she was going to be coming back to me, after she does some things alone. Then two days later I found out she was going away with another guy for a weekend, as "just friends", but how am I supposed to believe that, when it was the guy she told me she had a crush on, which started all this. I phoned her and she told me she didn't want to "do this anymore" , and to not get my hopes up because she didn't want to be with me anymore. Yet two days earlier she told me she loves me, and when I hugged her and said "I'm scared this is going to be the last time I get to hold you, and kiss you" she said "I'll be back..." and she hugged me tighter, and kissed me, and told me she loved me. Why would she toy with me this way?

 

I haven't talked to her since that phone call, and that was shy of three weeks ago. My heart aches, and I can tell today is going to be yet another hard day to get through. I accepted the fact that she probably won't be coming back, but I have not accepted why. Her parents still talk to me, and some of our mutual friends, and they say she's doing things they would have never pictured her doing, I never asked what, but I just don't know what happened to her .

[just M.E.]

"Yet two days earlier she told me she loves me, and when I hugged her and said "I'm scared this is going to be the last time I get to hold you, and kiss you" she said "I'll be back..." and she hugged me tighter, and kissed me, and told me she loved me. Why would she toy with me this way?

 

I haven't talked to her since that phone call, and that was shy of three weeks ago. My heart aches, and I can tell today is going to be yet another hard day to get through. I accepted the fact that she probably won't be coming back, but I have not accepted why."

 

She may be "toying" with you because she wants her cake and eat it to. She may want to keep that door open to your heart, but that isn't love that is selfishness. Otherwise, she would understand the pain that puts you in. It may be she couldn't face the mutual pain so by saying she loves you and will be back, she lessens her pain. Unfortunately, sucks to be you, right?

 

Here's the real question, do you want that type of person in your life? You have eons of emotional growth on her, you are a whole person, she has some holes.

 

It's funny you mentioned the last hug, I always used the "feel" of how someone held me, there is more honesty in touch than in words, to help me understand what they really felt. My ex's last hug was not the same, something was off, something almost stilted, then I knew ... that was the worst hurt. Did you feel her touch was real? Do you think she could have put emotion in that encounter to keep you held to her?