At the end of my rope!

[amystar]

I just can't take it anymore!

 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years. I have had a problem with him not spending enough time with me in the past six months. We see each other only about twice a week and I have been trying to understand that he has his own life and that he is very busy. So basically I've lived with the fact that I feel that I am not the most important thing in his life.............

 

He started graduate school this week. We had plans to go out tonight. He called me up and said he has too much homework (we haven't seen each other since he started school last week). I told him I understand but I said we should just meet up for an hour or something and get some coffee...I would meet him half way. He declined and replied that I need to understand that he is extremely busy right now. I got very upset and said: "I don't understand why you can't set aside 2 hours of your 24 hour day to see me if you love me as much as you claim you do. I don't feel very important in your life right now and I feel as though you are putting everything else ahead of me and putting me on the backburner. ". His reply was: "If you love me you should support me and understand that I need this week to get acclimated to my school work". This escalated and I got to the point where I was crying and couldn't hold a conversation with him anymore so I had to hang up the phone.

 

I have never been this upset! I don't know what to do. Do you think I am being unreasonable? Do you think I should just end it? It is such a difficult situation, I love him so much but I can't continue being this unhappy.....it is so difficult for me to end it after being with him for 3 years and being friends for so many more. I'm just so upset, I can't seem to stop crying (and I'm usually not a very mushy person). Any advice would be appreciated...thanks!

[Lana0120]

I think I can understand both sides. You are feeling like you aren't the most important thing in his life and would love to spend more time with him. He, on the other hand, is very very serious about his education and is trying to take a mature and responsible attitude towards studying. I am guessing you live a reasonable distance from each other, hence it isn't workable to see each other every day. I think twice a week is pretty good and that maybe you can keep things alive by talking on the phone more often. You guys may eventually go your separate ways, but you will definitely be going your separate ways if you push the issue, as his education is obviously very important to him. Hell, he may even have that in mind, in terms of thinking of a future with you. *hugs*

[amystar]

Thanks for the reply. I am sincerely trying to understand his situation. I know that his education is extremely important to him. My education is extremely important to me as well, we met in college and one of the things that clicked with us so well was the fact that we both are very passionate about our education. After being together for such a long time, however, I feel that he should be more willing to compromise about the time we spend together. I am extremely busy as well but I still manage to find the time for him, it seems as though he is just not willing to give up a little bit of his time for me. I don't know.

[Lana0120]

Even if education is important to both of you, different people have different approaches towards it. Some people need more time. I expect he knows that if he has you around every day that he'll hardly get any work done! How much compromise were you asking for and how far apart do you actually live?

[amystar]

Right now, I know I am at the height of my emotions but I don't see things working out between us. It makes me very unhappy and I feel as though there is nothing I could possibly do to make it work between us, I have given all I can give..........

[Lana0120]

Well, if you do feel that way, maybe it is time for the relationship to end, but be careful you don't make an impulsive decision. Some people on here have broken up with a partner over something like this, only to regret it days, if not hours later. I think you have to ask yourself whether the relationship is good in itself, aside from his reluctance to spend more time with you.

[amystar]

We live about a half hour away from each other. In terms of compromise, I'm just asking that if he feels that he does not have the time to hang out, he should meet me half way and have a cup of coffee with me for an hour. We don't have to spend all day together.

[strawberrycupcake]

Amy, I totally understand your situation because that is one of the major reasons why my boyfriend and I broke up. (The other was based on unintended misinformation from an old and good friend). Right afterwards, I realized that this was a big mistake and after a lot of working on both of ourselves, we were back together in 8 days.

 

Then I realized that I've always been a very, very busy person. I went back to grad school and got two degrees so I was in school a long time. I was dealing with caretaking of relatives, then death issues, and the death of a good and trusted old friend and mentor. Suddenly I 'had time' and I became overly focused on the bf. I looked at why I did this, and have refocused my priorities.

 

The BF still feels like a part time relationship because of his work schedule, but from my perspective, this gives me time to do things with my single friends, spend more time with family members, and even sign up for a class to do 'for fun.' In other words, I went back to "my life" instead of "his life" and together we have "our life" both when we are physically together and always in our hearts.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that this is a great time for you to take up some things that just interest you and have fun with it. Grad school isn't forever - and on the other side of it, it can be pretty stressful and demanding. My best wishes to you on all of this.

[Lana0120]

You're right, half an hour isn't very far. This puts a whole new spin on it. I can understand if he doesn't want to hang out every single day, but twice a week isn't very much if you're within reasonable driving distance. I agree, he could meet you halfway.

[Batya33]

I've always been with men who are busy and busier than your boyfriend (and same with my schedule) and we always made time even if was just an hour. How about getting together but where you both do work in the same room - or you can read a book, etc. My boyfriend and I do that when we're both busy - it's nice to know we're together even if we're doing our own thing.

[amystar]

Batya,

 

I agree with that. I would definitely be willing to do that. I even offered to drive to his house even though I made the drive the last two times we saw each other, but he simply does not want to.

[Lana0120]

Oh well then Amy, it looks like you guys need to have 'the talk.'

[orchidrose]

I'm a full time student, generally either taking 6 classes per quarter or taking 3 and interning at least a few days a week; my ex works as a mover; in the winter, he has four day stretches where he doesn't work at all, then will work til midnight the next day, and in the summer, he works past 8pm most nights. Even when he doesn't work a long day, it's almost impossible to predict when he'll be done.

 

I totally understand we're you're coming from. It's very difficult to make a relationship work in so many ways, and it sucks to have to worry about something so seemingly mundane as being able to physically make time for each other. You've gotten a lot of good advice here that I will echo: the time you can't see him shouldn't be seen as time where you were abandoned or time to wallow in the fact that he's not there, it's time for you. It's going to take a lot of work and adjustment on your part to understand that he probably hates neglecting you, but I'm sure you can do it.

 

I just keep telling myself that my ex has no choice. He could get another job, but he doesn't want to. So these are the hours he has.

 

On the other hand, I understand your POV. Many times I've wondered why he can't just take a day off or ask for an early shift so he can be with me when I need him, or why if he gets off early he can't offer to come over and see me. It's a tough situation. I think you both need to understand what the other is going through as far as scheduling is concerned. There has to be a way to meet halfway -- you're trying, but it doesn't seem like he is.

[amystar]

Aneffigy,

 

Thanks fort the reply. I don't feel like he is trying either which is why I feel like I am at the end of my rope. Right now, I really just want to call him up and tell him it is over, but I don't want to make a n impulsive decision. I need to just blow off some steam for now. I really don't know what to do.

[nuttybuddy]

Blowing off steam here is good. Give him some space for the time being. Don't break it off just yet. I have a feeling he'll come around when he misses you. But you have to be MIA in order for him to miss you. So try it.

[amystar]

Nuttybuddy,

 

Thanks. I'm trying really hard. I can't recall ever being this upset in our relationship....probably not a good time to make any rational decisions. I will give him his space, maybe he will come around. thanks.

[nuttybuddy]

You're welcome. and good luck!

[schueysgirl]

hi amy sorry to hear you are having a hard time over this, initially i saw both sides of the argument...he is busy with education etc...but you clearly want to see him....but you have a distance between you.

 

But then when you put the distance on here half an hour is not far at all. in fact to me (and i do appreciate people have diff opinions of distance) it is nothing at all. When I was with my ex and i was away at university, he worked full time and just had a sunday off. When he finished work on a saturday evening he would get on a train for a 2 hour journey to come and stay with me sat night and all day sunday and then go home as late as he could sunday night. He did this for 5 months every weekend when i was at uni and then i ended up leaving anyway and transfered to a uni at home....and altho we are not together now (this was like 3 years ago now when he did that) i will never forget the effort he made to come and see me.

 

I think you are right to expect to see him more. you are not asking for a whole day. an hour or two as a break from his work and homework would do him good anyway. You are not supposed to study 24 hours a day you need to take breaks and for half an hours drive he should be able to make the effort to see you. I really do not think you are being unreasonable. Calm down a bit and give him some space...and then have a talk with hi, WHy should you be doing all the asking and the chasing? good luck xxx