trying to decide..

[liketuesdays]

I just moved to a new city by myself. BF and I talked about going long distance, I wasn't sure about it but he was certain he wanted to stay together.

Now I'm coming home to visit a couple weeks later because I feel so cast adrift--I just need something stable to hold onto, something familiar since my whole world has changed and I haven't got a support system of friends in my new home. And he's iffy about his feelings for me. He tells me not to leave him, but he says he wasn't excited to see me and feels like in some way I'm intruding on his new independence (we'd been living together for 9 months prior to the move).

He says he loves me and doesn't want to break up, he just hadn't had long enough apart to really miss me yet. It's not the first time he's been very positive about our relationship only to make me feel unwanted the next day. I don't know if this kind of up and down is something I can deal with at this fragile point in my life. At the same time we have so many plans for the future and I do still love him very much.

So is it better to leave him and avoid the constant disappointments and emotional rollercoaster? Or should I do what he says and stay with him so he can figure out his feelings?

[Lana0120]

I think if after living together for 9 months he isn't sure of his feelings for you, and doesn't miss living with you at all from the sound of it, it's a bad sign. If he does have a history of disappointing you, to the point where you can describe it as being like a rollercoaster, I think the best thing to do for your sanity probably is to end the relationship.

[alwaysthegirlfriend]

if you were living together 9 months prior and he doesn't miss you he is either in denile or starting to change his feelings about you.

 

it's up to you whether or not you want to go through this rollercoaster. i think it's going to be harder now that you are living apart. it seems like you care about this guy a lot and it seems like he doesn't care as much as you. maybe i'm wrong. maybe he is changing his feelings to test you and see if you will push him out of your life and you break up with him so he doesn't have to. but that's just a thought.

 

what i think is that he should be more supportive that you have moved away. i know when me and my bf lived a part then moved out back to our parents house he said he missed me. it's not about how much time passes that he hasn't gotten a chance to miss you i think that's kinda bs. he should already miss you.

 

i know you have plans with this guy and want to hang on to one of the only things that hasn't changed in your life but you need to think whether your relationship is going to be the same with the distance. it's also up to him to be supportive of your decision.

[liketuesdays]

it's weird because up til now he's always said he was the more loving one in the relationship, and I've secretly agreed with him. I never really needed him like he seemed to need me, but I'm away for a week and suddenly he doesn't need me anymore and I'm the one who's grasping at straws. Although he can't say he's really fine without me--my new coworkers have had to deal with listening to my side of 'how to do laundry' instructions on the phone and stuff like that.

[Lana0120]

So, it sounds like he misses what you can do for him rather than you personally. I think you should just end it. There you go.

[alwaysthegirlfriend]

maybe he seemed more loving but you can mistake love for needing. he might have been really sweet and loving because he needed you to do things for him. so seriously 9 months of living together and he still can't do laundry. what is he like 14?

 

i fixed that problem real quick when my and my bf lived with eachother. men should be able to do all those things own there own like laundry, dishes, vacume..

 

maybe he was one of those guys that showed his affection because in return you will do everything for him.

[Lana0120]

Too right alwaysthegirlfriend. You're the girl! Girlfriends are not and should never be stand ins for mommy..... but all too often they are

[alwaysthegirlfriend]

yeah when we moved in together it was our first time living away from home. when he didn't know how to do all the things I taught him. i made the mistake of doing all the things for the first month then it was very overwhelming. then i finally broke and said "I'M NOT YOUR MOM!"

 

after that we talked it out and he learned to do everything i did. and vice versa. i hated taking out the trash but i learned too

[DN]

Let's not get derailed into laundry.

 

Try and see it from his perspective. He obviously loved you and you moved away - not exactly a wholehearted endorsement of your relationship especially since you seemed to be prepared to end the relationship because of the long-distance.

 

So he probably feels somewhat abandoned and is having to come to terms with that. You have already shown him you don't particularly value the relationship and now are upset when he appears to be following your lead. He's probably preparing himself mentally for when you decide to end it.

 

Perhaps both of you need to decide whether you have a commitment to the relationship and if you do, then make it clear to one another. Because so far I don't see that from either of you - especially you .