He Called....!

[everythingchanges456]

So...update...he called around 1230 this afternoon! He just got back...had a great time and wanted to call and say hello because we hadn't spoken in a while and he wanted to see how I was doing.

 

We had a great conversation...we were both out running errands. He had just pulled up to wherever he was headed and said he'll give me a call later on when he is finished with his errands.

 

He didn't ask me to go out yet but it was all very sweet.

[Lana0120]

Great! I am glad you didn't have to wait that long in the end. So, the fact that he did phone you so quickly means he is definitely interested.

[everythingchanges456]

well it was a long wait to me...seemed like forever since we met 9 days ago and the last and only time we spoke was last saturday by phone but i'm so happy he called as soon as he got back from his trip!

[Lana0120]

Yeah, it must have seemed like forever! If it makes you feel better, while he was occupied, I reckon he must have been thinking of you while he was away at the event!

[everythingchanges456]

That would be so nice since I sat here thinking I was the farthest thing from his mind. The fact he called as soon as he got back makes me feel so much better about going out with him if he asks.

[Lana0120]

Absolutely. I am sure you'll have a great time. Just post on here with the abbreviated details so we can read a happy story

[everythingchanges456]

So if he calls back and asks me out for tonight I plan to accept. I've seen opinions that this would be too available.

[Lana0120]

Hmmm yes as it would look as though you're free on Saturday night. However, if you want to go for it, I say go for it.

[Miss M]

So if he calls back and asks me out for tonight I plan to accept. I've seen opinions that this would be too available.

 

Hmmm yes as it would look as though you're free on Saturday night. However, if you want to go for it, I say go for it.

I think if he called you last-minute for a date you should definitely not accept...

 

But I also think that after waiting for 9 loooonnng days you'd have no ability whatsoever to say no...

 

In any case, I still hope it goes well for you.

 

But also... just know that your over-exuberance is probably VERY obvious to him too. I don't think you're playing your cards close, just so you know.

 

Best wishes!

[Altruist]

Good to know you're now feeling happy! I agree with Miss T. Be happy but don't be over-eager around him. Be happy and exuberant though.

[everythingchanges456]

I think when he called I showed I was happy to hear from him and pleasant but the fact that I didn't ask what he was doing later or to get together was a good thing and did "hold my cardss close" enough but still let him know that I liked him.

[Miss M]

I think when he called I showed I was happy to hear from him and pleasant but the fact that I didn't ask what he was doing later or to get together was a good thing and did "hold my cardss close" enough but still let him know that I liked him.

Sounds good, really.

 

So, if he calls you last minute can you at least act a wee bit hesitant? LOL

 

But really, we're just speculating. He might not even be thinking of dating you this weekend. Stay pleasant, but also stay cool, really cool, inside and out.

[Altruist]

I think when he called I showed I was happy to hear from him and pleasant but the fact that I didn't ask what he was doing later or to get together was a good thing and did "hold my cardss close" enough but still let him know that I liked him.

 

Great. So it's game on! I guess it's best for you to just act natural even when he asks you out on the date. You're a woman. You'll figure it out...

[everythingchanges456]

Thanks everyone. I was giggling trying to figure out how I would act a wee bit hesitant hehe .... should I say ummm...well, let me think about it? lol i think that may turn him off. i'm so bad at this dating thing

 

You all are so nice. Thank you!

[Miss M]

Thanks everyone. I was giggling trying to figure out how I would act a wee bit hesitant hehe .... should I say ummm...well, let me think about it? lol i think that may turn him off. i'm so bad at this dating thing

It really depends on what he wants... and what you want. I've hesitated and the guy got immediately frustrated and made an exit, but I was okay with that because it just meant we weren't going at the same pace. I didn't feel like I missed out on anything at all. Whenever I "turn off" a guy I just conclude that he's not the right guy for me, and since I don't want the "wrong" guy anyway, it's really no biggie. I won't/don't/can't change me in order to make a guy stick around. It really just depends on your own preferences and goals.

[Lily04]

I find this post super cute and I hope it goes well for you!! Accept if he asks you out, just say that you're meeting with friends tomorrow so it can work. Don't seem tooo over-eager though 'cuz I've learned in my own dating experiences it can sometimes only hurt if he doesn't feel the same amount of eagerness about you... you'll find out soon enough and hopefully go at the pace you're comfortable with, if you end up dating/in a relationship. =)

 

Miss M I've missed your posts btw... how have you been? Why didn't you post on any of my threads on a similar topic as of late? lol. I love receiving your advice as well.... =)

[everythingchanges456]

ok i will try not to be over eager and i will say that i had planned to go out with a friend tonight but we're making it for tomorrow instead so now i'm free? is that what you're suggesting Lily?

 

 

[Miss M]

I won't/don't/can't change me in order to make a guy stick around.

I also realize the irony of this comment, as we seem to be trying to tell you to change yourself to make a guy stick around.

 

I think the bottom line is that you should get yourself centered so you don't self-deceive. You wrote something in your other thread about your belief that having sex early could then lead to a lasting relationship. It can, but I honestly don't think you should count on it. Protect your heart, because I'd not want you to get hurt by being overly optimistic when you give yourself to this guy. Explore carefully to see if you really have the same goals before you give it all away. That's what I'm really trying to say.

 

 

====

 

Hiya Lily, it's really nice to be missed, you're a sweetie I took some time away from this place (and may do so again). I'll send you a PM so as not to throw the thread OT.

[Lily04]

hmm I share the complete opposite belief re. sex early in a relationship... I would rather have it a bit later after knowing more about the guy... and I look forward to the PM Miss M! glad to see you're back

[Miss M]

I think whether the sex is early or late is totally an individual choice, (which I completely respect). I'm not judging the rightness or wrongness of early/casual sex. But so many women (and everythingchanges seems to be this type) tend to feel closer to the guy after sex, and feels that sex might also make the guy feel closer to the woman, when in fact the total opposite is often true. Even guys are still posting on this board the fact that the woman had sex with him so soon indicates that she's not worthy of him. So yes, that absurd double standard is still alive and kicking, and I just think women shouldn't kid themselves about that. Guys are notorious for having sex and then just walking away feeling disgusted with the woman for laying down with him. It's still very true that women are not viewed by men as sexual equals. And it's still true that a woman can't be impulsive about sex, (mislabeling her impulsiveness as "confidence"), and then mistakenly assuming the guy won't just reject her and walk away.

 

And BTW, this was ETC's comments in her other thread that inspired these above thoughts from me...

...thing is i'm traditional in many ways and think he has the potential to be a very good catch at the same time...i am 6 months out of a long term relationship and a hook up is def what was on my mind tonight...with potential for the future great but i wasn't really thing ahead...just anxious because i was really attracted to him.

Combining these ideas that he's a potentially good catch, a potentially good hook up (right after meeting), a potential for the future, and an admittance of not really thinking it through, all add up to something that seems very risky and incongruent.

[everythingchanges456]

I really enjoyed reading your advice and opinions. They help me think things through, weigh different sides of things and be honest with myself...so thank you.

 

So, he called back last night and we spoke on the phone for probably about a little over an hour. He was very anxious about the envent he was going to last week (which he later explained) and I could tell straight away that he was much more relaxed now, as he was the night that I met him. He was funny, sweet, polite, our converstation flowed very well and he was genuinely interested in me and finding out about me. It was all very sweet and made me smile. He did have to excuse himself once or twice for work related calls but always called right back and apologized and picked up where we left off.

 

We got together for a couple hours after our phone call...at his house for drinks and continued to sit and talk for a couple more hours...about everything. We did kiss and cuddle the attraction between us is very strong. I could kiss him for hours on end and never want to stop. I didn't have that in my last relationship and boy have I missed it! and NO we did NOT HAVE SEX. There was no almost, no nudity. Not that we didn't want to. We kissed, cuddled joked talked laughed alot and I left. He asked me to text him to let him know I got home ... which I did and that was it.

 

Now I'll wait and let him call me.

[Batya33]

Sounds good - just understand that he now understands that you are fine with hanging out and hooking up last minute - he doesn't have to make plans in advance to see you and he doesn't have to take you out. If you want to change that impression, then you have to tell him the next time he calls and asks you out last minute that you're sorry but you made other plans for tonight. No need to tell him with who or what you are doing - not his business. If he is sincerely interested he will offer an alternative that is a plan in advance.

 

It's totally cool if you are comfortable with hanging out and hooking up - it sounds like you are very attracted to him, want to maximize the time you can be alone with him, and that might be more important to you than having him put in effort to plan dates in advance with you.

 

But it's hard to have it both ways - agree to see someone last minute at his house to hang out/hook up and want him to see you as a lady he is courting. Yes, courting is an old fashioned term - in more modern terms, a lady where he has to put some effort into making a fun date plan for the two of you and planning it in advance because he presumes that you have a life and activities other than seeing him.

 

If you are reading into my post that I would have done it differently, you are absolutely right, but please understand that I am also indicating that it totally depends on what you want out of this.

[everythingchanges456]

Yes, I was available to see him without notice. I played it cool for a week and couldn't wait to see him. However he did call me several times that day. I am attracted to him YES but "hooking up" is not my style...most of my relationships have been long term ones. I'm only being honest in one of my previous threads where I posted about having that on my mind last week despite thinking is is a very good catch. It's an honest thought (one normally kept inside ones head but now shared with you lol).

 

I think I'm confused why it's important to make yourself unavailable. Is the difference, in your opinion, between laying your cards on the table and holding them close the difference between a short term and long term relationship?

 

By the way, I told him last night that the next time we see eachother I would like him to take me out somewhere.

[Batya33]

It's not about being "unavailable" it's about letting a man court you so that the first impressions you give are accurate - that is, that you are a person with a fulfilling, active life and that you don't drop everything and make yourself available last minute to hang out and hook up just because some man you barel y know calls you. He called you several times that day but clearly didn't care if you were available to see him until last minute. That would make a bad impression on me.

 

When I was dating, I wouldn't see a man on a weekend night when we were first dating unless he called me by wednesday night to ask me (nothing to do with the Rules book - I did this for 10 years before it was published). There were rare exceptions but I didn't make an exception just because he waited a week to call me and I was dying to kiss him so that I would run to his house last minute. 99% of the time I had other plans but if I didn't, I had plans with "me" because I preferred to have plans with "me" then with someone who wanted me to be available last minute (especially just to come over to his house when I barely knew him).

 

I never ever gave up any opportunity to date a gentleman by having those standards. In fact, there were men who were used to women being available last minute who appreciated the fact that I preferred making plans in advance. They had no problem changing their habits in order to date me.

 

Again, I know this is seeming like "criticism" but I am just describing what I would do and how it sounds to me like what you did (i.e. runnning over there last minute - think about it - if he wanted to see you that badly, why didn't he call when you were away - a two minute call to say "how about saturday night" or ask you the first time he called you that day?)

 

It's not about playing games in the least - it is about letting a man get to know you slowly over time, giving him the correct impression that you are a special person who has a fulfilling, busy life such that if he wants to see you he has to put reasonable effort into it. Most men I know love putting in the effort of calling a lady in advance and suggesting a plan such as dinner, a picnic, a visit to an art gallery, whatever.

 

I know this not only because that is how I've been treated by men but because I've always had many male friends and I am the one who gets this typical phone call "hey, I met an awesome lady the other night - any suggestions on where I should take her to dinner Saturday or any suggestions on a good show or concert to take her to?" One guy I know after taking a lady out twice (they are now engaged) called me to find out which florist I recommended. He ended up calling the most expensive hotel in town to beg them to reveal which florist they used so that he could be sure she got lovely flowers.

 

Now, that is above and beyond but my point is - he took real joy in putting in effort to make her feel special. Being available last minute to go to his house and hook up tells him loud and clear that you are far more interested in getting to spend time with him on his terms, at his convenience, with no effort put in by him, then you are of wanting to be treated with respect and like a lady.

 

In my personal opinion, it is borderline disrespectful for a man to call a lady who he barely knows last minute who he wants to get to know with the potential for a relationship and assume she is free that night, and is up for hanging out at his house. Wkth exceptions of course, a man who wants to date a lady with a view towards perhaps being in a serious relationship with her would never want to give her that impression.

 

Just my two cents and only because you implied that I was justifying being "unavailable." To me being reasonably available means telling the guy very nicely "thanks so much for the lovely invitation but I already have plans for tonight" and perhaps adding "but I would love to see you when we are both free - next weekend so far is clear for me" I usually never had to add the second sentence - if a man was used to women being available last minute and needed a gentle reminder that I was not a last minute girl, he would quickly catch on and say "oh, that's too bad - how about next Friday?"

[everythingchanges456]

I tried to "quote" sections of your reply but still need to learn how to do it.

 

Although, I don't think it is your intention...I find it difficult not to take offense to some of the things you said. Again, I think that you are only trying to help and don't mean to offend me but I do feel as though you are saying repeatedly and adamently that one persons way (the way you would approach the situation) in this scenario versus the other persons way (the way I am approaching it somehow sets one apart as being more of a catch and respectable. More of a lady...

 

I understand you're talking about firsts impressions and because the person does not know you it's important not to give the impression of being attainable as thereforeeee you could potentially be that way with everyone. Also, you would risk giving off the impression of being uninteresting with being so easily reachable, etc.

 

It was my idea to go to his house last night. He had no intention of inviting me out that night. Which we later talked about briefly and he said that he was shy to ask me out. (although, not typically a shy person) Perhaps it wasn't ideal to go to his house over going to a public place...however, I in no way gave him the impression of not being someone who was special or of being someone who was easily attainable...direct that I was interested yes. I don't believe I gave him the impression that I don't demand respect or that I'm not special or worthy. I don't feel as though I got together with him on his terms...because had he invited me over to his house I wouldn't have gone. I don't feel I did anything to be ashamed of.

 

I'm not saying you think I did ... and I understand we're going by words on a screen and not verbal conversation so some things are lost in translation. I am someone who is more comfortable one on one in quieter places so yes, I did prefer the setting. The next setting, will be a restaurant or something along those lines though...I don't intend to make popping over his house to "hang out" a habit

 

I really like getting your advice and the time you take to give it. I appreciate it and it's wisdom. However, differences between individuals is the reason for dating to begin with...I think some men would find a woman who really made them work for it very attractive and others would feel that it's an unfair balance. I don't think I'm the opposite end of the spectrum but perhaps somewhere in the middle. I know you can't know who the person on the other end of the computer is...but I am very much a lady.

 

I'm learning as I go in life...as are we all...which is why I love this site...the exchange of ideas and opinions and putting things out there to weigh the positive and negative is fantastic. I'm newly back to the dating scene and it's frustrating and the advice helps! I appreciate your honesty.