I think shes going to break up with me.....a cry for help

[abcd1234]

Ive been with my girlfriend for 10 months. Everythings seemed great.

She cuts herself and gets depressed.

 

We went out the other day and was looking at her phone. I looked at her messages and she had been texting her friend about possibly breaking up with me. I got scared and asked her about it. I asked if she really felt that way and she said "sometimes". I asked if she still loved me and she said yes. I must admit, i got upset and she saw me crying, i must have looked so pathetic, but i didnt know what to do.

 

We are so good together and i love her so much.

 

She just texted me saying that she needs to talk to me tomorrow before work.

 

I text back saying im scared and that i dont want to be broken heated because i love her. I said i want to help if she will give me a chance.

 

Shes just replied saying "I know you do, i just need to be left alone and the only help thats going to work is from a doctor. Thats all that i basically needed to tell you so just leave it now ok?"

 

I dont know what it means. Does that mean that she wants me to stop trying to help. Does it mean she wants a break? Or is it a cry for help?

 

I feel so helpless and i love this girl so much, shes just perfect. Can anyone help?

[alwaysthegirlfriend]

welll to me i don't thnk it sounds like a cry for help. I know you must love this girl but it sounds like she needs more help than what you can give her and offer her at the moment.

 

it sounds like she is admitting that she does need help from a doctor which is great.

 

i know you love her and don't want anything to happen to her. so the best thing i think you can do is give her a break and let her decide what she needs to do to better her life. i don't think she can fully be with you until she fixes the things in her life first.

 

you have shown her that you care and showed her emotion by crying. i'm pretty sure she knows you care a lot about her.

 

when you asked her how she felt if she wanted to break up with you and she said "sometimes" that sounds to me like she is not ready to be in a relationship.

 

i know it must be hurtful but at least she didn't say she felt like that all the time. maybe the times she felt sometimes is because she is going through other things. especially when she enflicts pain on herself.

 

i think it'd be best if you let her fix her problems. be there for her but it doesn't mean if you aren't together you can't be there for her. just take a step back because you don't want to cause her more harm.

[mizz_sweety]

ABSOLUTELY RIGHT

[abcd1234]

Hey,

 

Well we didnt break up. That wasnt what she was thinking when she sent me that text. She justs wants a few days to herself to get herself together. She said that a lot has happened recently (not talking about stuff with me, although thats probably a part of it), stuff with her friends.

 

Its sad that she doesnt want me to try to help but i said that if she wants space for a few days then i can respect that. She knows im here if she needs me and that ill do all i can to help, but shes decided to go to a doctor. I think its a good thing that she is seeking professional help.

 

She also said her plan wasnt to end it with me, just to tell me she needs the space for a few days. I asked how she feels about me and she said she loves me.

 

Ill keep you updeated on how things pan out. Thanks for the help

[alwaysthegirlfriend]

well that's great you aren't broken up but don't feel like she doesn't want your help. she just needs more professional help. what you can do is still be there for her and support her. but there is not much you can do in this situation it's one of the things she has to take care on her own.

[detox5]

Heya.

 

I feel for you, its hard not being able to help, you cannot do anything at all, and love is never a helper, it only just seems to get in the way, you love the girl so much you want to help, then it becomes pressure and your on her back, just saying how it could go.

 

One thing you are not seeying, is that sometimes when you are hurt and in pain, the last thing you want to do is be reminded by this pain in your lovers face.

 

I went through a similiar thing a few years back, my ex wouldnt let me help her, and I think it was because when we spoke and was around each other, she wanted it to be possible, a possitive loving aura if you like, but if I was to talk about her problems and help her, all she would ever see would be these problems, so she would rather feel good and possitive around you and relaxed, instead of associating her negatives with you, only because you are helping her.

 

Does that make sense? but her not letting you help, could be a good thing for you both, if the relationship is surrounded by present hurt and negative you will not want to be around that person. But if it stays in that place where its loving and possitive, that will always be your safe haven.

 

I hope that helps and makes sense to you.

[abcd1234]

Yes detox that does make some sense to me. You mean that it should never get to a stage where she associates me with sadness and negativity.

 

I will of course help her if she asks for it and when its clear that she wants it, but apart from that i should try to keep her mind on the positive things.

 

Its funny... she texted me this morning asking exactly what i had told my mum. Thats because the other night my mum saw i was upset and made me tell her what was wrong, i told my gf this when i went over.

 

I just don't see why that matters now, i guess she might be worried that mym mum will stop liking her (NOT true - my mum loves her!).

[abcd1234]

Ok, so immidiately after i wrote that last reply she turned up at my house. I wasnt sure why she came over but while she was here she was busy on her phone. After she left i went upstairs and saw that she had sent me a text whilst she was here!

 

It reads: "I think that uou need to think about what you will be doing this year when i go off to uni because not being funny but i dont want it to be that we're down and i think that we should take a proper break for at least 2 weeks. Do you understand where im coming from?"

 

Ive written her an email saying that i will do anything to make it work when she goes to uni, even if that means travelling up to see her regularly. Ive said it works for my cousin and her boyfriend and they are really happy.

 

Ive also said that all of this has come like a bolt from the blue, its just all happened so suddenly! Ive told her that i dont fully understand and its making it harder for me to cope with. I said if she wants 2 weeks thats totally fine but i want to know whats going on - she said it involves her friends so i have asked what it is thats stressed her out so much.

 

I think i deserve to know because this is affecting me as well as her.

 

Any more comments/ideas would be appreciated.

[alwaysthegirlfriend]

wow she sent you a txt?

 

why didn't she just come over and tell you straight forward. I think talks like that should not be in a txt, email or even on the phone. anytime something happened between me and my boyfriend we always agreed tat important stuff needed to be said upfront. but if your ok with that it's really up to you. i'm the type of person that needs closure to be upfront.

 

i do believe if she told you that what was stressing her was her friends that she does deserve to explain it to you. maybe her friends were stressing her out and tell her stuff like "whats gonna happen when you leave for school are you gonna still be together?" stuff like that might of stressed her out.

 

can i ask you a couple questions? ...:

 

can i ask how old are you two? and how long have you been together? also have you two been in serious relationships before? what is the distance apart you will be spending since she is going to school. is this going to be a long distance relationship and have you talked it out.

 

i think right now setting up communication is important. phone calls are the clearest since you aren't going to be speaking face to face. it's important to impliment that now before you decide to go in the go into a long distance relationship

[abcd1234]

Hi alwaysthegirlfriend, were both 18 and we have been together for about a year. If im honest then from my past experiences and what shes told me about herself, neither of us have been in serious relationships - until now. When she goes away it will be about a 2 hour car journey to see her, that would be made even less by train. I always planned that i would go and see her at weekends or every other weekend and that she would be home fairly regularly for holidays so we wouldnt actually be spending lots of time apart. This is the first time weve actually experessed our thoughts about it.

 

More has happened since last night. I emailed her when i read her text. She has now responded:

 

 

 

Im confused by the email and the language that she uses. Shes talking in maybe's and possibilities - "IF we left it", "IF you DO come up to see me", "WHEN im not down here". Shes not actually saying "this is how its gonna be", its more like she can see that things aren't going to be exactly as shes planned and that shes letting me know that.

 

I understand that she never planned to go to uni with a boyfriend and that this is something that she needs to do for herself as independence is important to a person. I just dont see why that means it wont work for us, im willing to give her the freedom that she needs as well as working to keep us both happy.

 

I havent replied to this email, or the text that she sent me after, which reads: "if youre annoyed with what i said then please tell me because otherwise were going round in circles"

 

I think she knows that im not just gonna let this all go. This relationship means everything to me and she knows that. Ill go and see her later this week and explain that i think its worth giving it a shot because things have been so great and it would be wrong to just let all our hard work go to waste. If we give it a shot and its clearly not working then at least we will have tried, but to just give up right away without trying isnt trying.

 

She even said herself the other day that she thought someone at work was silly when they said it wouldnt work for us whan she went away. When she explained it to me she was like "they think were not going to give it a shot when i leave!" - that gave me hope and made me feel really good inside.

 

Still, getting back on point, the way she phrased that whole email was unusual. It wasnt a break up email, it was more of a "this is what i think might happen" email.

 

At the end of the day, this is a relationship that i know is worth sticking with, weve never had any problems, we both say we still love each other, so im not going to let it go without at least giving it a try when she goes to uni. We wont be spending a lot of time apart because i could visit on weekends (after shes got settled and wants to see me) and she will be home for holidays and the occasional visit. If it doesnt work when she leaves then at least we can say we tried, and we can cross that bridge if we come to it.

 

What does everyone else think?

[Clabs]

Hey abcd

 

I am sorry about your situation - I truly am.

 

I am sorry to say this but in my experience on here - break almost always means break up and this situation seems no exception.

 

She is telling you she wants to go alone, she is telling you she wants to date other people, she is telling you that her life partly/mostly without you, she didn't want to go to uni with a boyfriend, there are plenty more fish in the sea.

 

I think you need to step right back from this now and consider that it is over. It hurts like hell, I know, but don't waste time on this girl. She sounds pretty immature to have sent you a text while actually at the house with you.

 

You are both very young and your best bet is to get over this and find someone else.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Mark

[abcd1234]

Ok, so shes emailed me again and this sounds like there is more hope:

 

 

 

I replied:

 

 

 

Ill do anything to save this, even though i dont know quite why it went wrong. I think shes still mad that i read her texts and found out that she thinks about breaking up with me sometimes. But this email sounds hopeful right? Because thats really all i have, hope. Ive been so sad since last night and i need something hopeful to keep me going.

[alwaysthegirlfriend]

wow her first email i thought truly was a break up email. it came off tome as she wanted to be single when she went up for school. what it thought was harsh was saying she would slam the door in your face and all the lines like it's not you it's me. and the point that she was mad at you because you aren't understanding her to me we was weird.

 

but see look what happened after you didn't respond to her message or txt's she snapped and then apologized. she probably wrote the first message with every intention. I think you need to step back a little and read the first message again and think whether or not YOU want to be with this girl who is telling you these things. read it a couple times. read it as if you were my friend and my boyfriend emailed that to me. what would you think it meant?

 

seriously i really think since you didn't respond she broke down and it shocked her because you stood up for yourself. she was waiting for you to respond and break down in tears from what she said but you didn't and she took it as.. wow he is over me.

 

but i really think now when you responded to her second email you just gave back to her the upper hand. i'm sorry i'm being harsh but maybe she will prove me wrong. what i really hope to happen after your two week break is that she comes to the point where she isn't selfish about going to school and does want you in her life because you sound like an awesome guy who is willing to give this girl the world.

 

so wait it out and let me know how this goes. i think if she still has the attitude on i need to be an individual and you need to give me space.. that's fine but saying she will slam the door in your face if you go up to see her doesn't sound like the girl that deserves the world.

 

you can still be independent and still be with someone. that is what me and my bf are learning now.

 

we do love eachother and making things work. he is an hour away and i just went to see him this last wkd cause this wk is his first wk of school. but he plans to come home on wkds or me visit him when i can. but we both are learning to be without eachother.

 

it's about compromise. i just hope your girl understands that she doesn't have to completely push you out of her life to be independent. and i hope you realize that this girl should want to be with you as much as you want to be with her.

[abcd1234]

Thanks alwaysthegirlfriend, youre a real help to me. I think you are probably right that when i didnt respond to her email it kind of shocked her into thinking "wow, i may actually lose him".

 

It can be difficult to be with her sometimes, because sometimes she cant cope with things as well as other people. She can see things differently and interpret them differently. But ive always wanted to help her, even when she doesnt want help or doesnt think she deserves it. I believe in her even when she has trouble believing in herself. I dont want this to end, i love her a lot and i think she knows it. She says she loves me too and i hope tha after two weeks she can see that what we have is way to awesome to throw away - from her second email she doesnt sound like she wants to throw it away, it almost sounds like she is worried - "hope for the best after that".

 

She hasnt emailed me back or texted me yet, i hope shes doing ok. I'll keep you updated with whats happening as it unfolds so keep checking ack to this page please!

 

Thanks again

[alwaysthegirlfriend]

keep me updated even message me and let me know what is going on. I do hope for the best for you. goodluck and remember to keep your distance and give her some space. The more I tell you that the more I remind myself to do the same with my bf.

[jellytot]

Yeah, i agree with always....

 

i think this girl is far too aware at how much you need her. So if youre willing to do all it takes, then you have to get strong and go no contact for a while.

 

she stated in her first email that she will most likely cheat on you! thats a terrible thing to say! Thats not love

 

i think she may very well be being pressured by her mates. They are advertising 'the grass is greener at uni' sign, bit time.

 

Shes young - you can tell - and so is confused.

 

you need to get strong and disappear.

 

if i were you i would turn it around.

 

send her an email and tell her you know what youve been thinking, your willing to give space etc, but you dont appreciate someone telling you that they arent worthy of faithfulness, and that that has made you think very differently about her. Tell her youre not interested unless she can tell you she one hundred percent loves you and wants things to work out. Otherwise, like she says, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, that will want you.

 

Sounds scary, but its what she needs.

 

No offence, but forget the self harm for a minute, lots of people do it cos they have a real problem, and some do it becuase they WANT attention. This girl SEEMS to be the type that wants attention. As soon as you didnt give her any, she was back.

 

When i get told of people who cut themselves (for instance) i dont automatically think 'thats terrible, she should get some professional help'.. no way, this world has evolved way too much. I know that there are some people out there who do it simply for a reaction. Simply to make someone else worry or feel bad, simply for selfish reasons. Sorry, but its true. I would need to evaluate the situation before i said, yes shame....

 

Anyways, i think you need to become a MAN here, and realise that this girl is saying jump, and youre asking how high....

 

Turn it around... its the only way forward...

 

xxx

[ap44]

None of those emails sound the least bit hopeful for this working out. You need to give her up, and do it soon. The signs of break up are honestly, right there. Tell her that you have decided that you want to break up. Don't worry about taking a "2 week break". That isn't going to do anything but put more space in between you too.

 

Once you have broken up with her, it will hurt, and yes, you will be down for a while til you finally get over her. Find things to occupy yourself with. But keep No Contact. If this girl has any true feelings for you, that will be a very hard blow and you may find her regretting everything and running back to you. Only then, and ONLY THEN, will you have to decide wether to take her back or not (and think that decision through, talk about it with friends and family before you do anything). If she doesn't mind the NC, then oh well, I guess she just wasn't what you wanted. It sucks when this happeneds and it will never be easy.

 

Sticking around is just going to make things harder cause right now you believe you still have a chance. I don't mean to be harsh, and this girl, she makes me mad in so many ways (like getting moody because you didn't answer an email. Not only does that show that a litle bit of no contact will affect her but that shows she is getting impatient with you), but just let it go man. Nothing good, right now in life, can be made out of this situation. Sorry man.

[abcd1234]

Im quite able to do the whole "no contact" thing, but we havent even broken up so im not sure if it would help the situation.

 

I dont want her to think that because im not talking to her i dont care about her, because if she is going through a problem time right now then i should be available to her if she needs me. By doing no contact i fear that i would only be distancing myself from her and making her feel like she is unloved.

 

I also fear that during a period of no contact she could feel she is getting along fine and feel like she doesnt need me, and thereforeeee break it off with me. I think she does need me, and the 2nd email that she sent when i didnt respond shows that (i think!)

 

If i dont do no contact then i also fear that i will come accross as ignorant, as for all i know she may not want to hear from me at all. She wants a two week break and i fear she might get annoyed if i keep contacting her as if nothing is wrong. This in turn could also lead to a breakdown of our relationship.

 

Im going away tomorrow for a few days. Should i leave it until, say, saturday evening and then send her a text or email saying: "hi, how are you doing? the concert went well and they played a good set. What have you been upto the last few days? text back xx"

 

Thats if she doesnt contact me first (which i doubt, because she didnt reply to my last email). Does that sound ok? Id still be giving her space (its just a text message after all), but just letting her know im there and im hoping things are going to work out for us.

 

Im feeling right now that even if she wanted to end it when she went away to uni in a month, i would still continue the relationship for that last month if she wanted to. I know it sounds silly, but i know i would do it despite other peoples warnings.

[abcd1234]

Oh, i should proably mention that we both work at the same place. We have work on sunday and im not too excited about going to work and seeing her all day if we havent had any sort of contact first. Hence, the text i will send on saturday if i dont hear from her.

 

It will be too hard for me to see someone that i love so much and feeling so distant from her. I hope it will be ok for both of us.

 

Any more help with this slightly updated situation would be helpful!