Im really scared

[mr me]

I dont know what else to say but my life sucks right now. I couldnt go to sleep last night because i was crying over how bad my relationship was with my first ex but how i still love her and thats the first time i was ever happy with my life was when i was with her but that lead me to be really dependent to where i almost would have really died to make it work.

 

I wrote something on myspace but it really how i felt and i didnt want to still care for her but i did. We were really like deeply in love but it just never seemed to work out and she wanted someone to be there for her and i was beyond sexually frustrated because of the distance. I also never got to meet her which it just seemed like it was not meant to be but thats so sad. im kinda almost feeling like stalker ish but its not really that serious about her, its just my life. Im so out of place. I had such a f-ing crazy life and im always by myself.

 

I dont even know i try to talk to people and hang out but no one gets me. I try to go out but my health is so bad that something is always bothering me. I really keep on gettin worse and thought that if i just didnt think about suicide that i could get over this but its like nothing makes me happy and i dont know why my life is like this and also what can i do because i just feel like even when i try things just dont work out. I have had to be the strongest person in the world to deal with everything in my life without going crazy but all it does is makes me go crazy. I just live in such a f-ing dysfunctional family i feel like putting myself up for adoption on ebay or something. Im a good kid and i always try to do good but u know what is wrong with me now. I mean if those kids from other countries get adopted then u know why cant i get spoiled the same lol. I tried so hard to not get depressed like this but its always gonna be like this. I dont do drugs or do anything crazy to get my mind off of this and i always try to do what i feel in me is right but im just going crazy when im tryin to do the right thing at least for myself.

 

I have no guidance in my life and all i did was educate myself but now im even more out of place. I didnt want to be like everyone else and i dont seem to settle in life but im past tired. I was suffering from exhaustion to even alot more that i dont even want to list because its just depressing. I was thinking of talking to my ex because at least then i would have someone to understand me but i dont even know if that would work. I dont know i cant write anymore because im crying so ill just finish later.

[mr me]

All i can do is tryin talking to my ex's because they were the only people who really understood me. I couldnt care about love or sex or anything right now. I already asked them if we could just be friends because im desperately in need of one and it could really save my life. I think about suicide and how its like even in my head i cant just think straight like if i jumped in front of a car i could die but if i survived then i would be paralyzed for the rest of my life and it would make life suck even more, no disrespect to anyone but to be that way in my situation would make me go crazy. I was thinking of how else u kill urself but if i survive again who knows what other type of crazy stuff could happen and affect me even more. The sad thing is everyone thought my life was so different and in my delusional childhood i thought if i just went thru more things then i could be like everyone else and i wouldnt get treated differently but all it did was make me go crazy.

[mr me]

All i know if i didnt have any money like i was before because of my bills than i would have probably lost it already but i guess eventho i cant feel happy right now because im really depressed at least i can look back on it later.

[mizz_sweety]

How did u get on with talking to ur ex's, have you spoken to them today at all?

U feeling any better?

[mr me]

i havent spoken to any of them and the way things seem to go i dont think i will anytime soon. Idk if they are happy but they are more social people so probably out doing something. i try to be but i have a hard time being around other people. Im really out of place with people who i live with and thats what my therapist talked to me about. I dont know how u deal with that but i guess being maybe too smart for my own good doesnt help me either because all i do when im by myself is learn because i enjoy it but i seem to isolate myself even more.

[mr me]

im not feeling any better but at least the me goin crazy part is over. I dont know but usually like each time things have happened like this in my life all i could do is help myself. I see how alot of memories that were repressed in my mind made my life so much harder because i couldnt figure out what i was doing wrong or what i did wrong. All i had to do is remember them after i stopped stressing out so much and i could change. I tried to talk to whoever but i dont think anyone will really talk to me and if they do it will never be the same as before.

[mr me]

just another crazy day in my life.

[EricAK]

mr me, get into therapy, STAT. You are sounding pretty hurting! We are here for support, but we are not mental health pros! You need someone who knows how these things work!

 

I am sure you can find sliding scale therapists in your area if money is an issue.

 

Eric

[mr me]

i go to therapy but idk what else to do. Go to a mental ward lol be drugged for the rest of my life. I guess i can see if i can go to more therapy but idk really how u do that. I could go to a psychologist like my therapist said but in my family the people that have gone thru that have only come out alot worse. I could maybe just try it to see so idk. Im not tryin not to take ur advice im just a person that needs things to be explained to them. I need to do something its just even the things i have tried dont always seem to work because i need people to talk to or really anyone that could listen.

[mr me]

i called this support hotline from my job that i have had to call before. I think im gonna have to go on meds or something. At least i got to realize that this was gonna be a passing thing. I have gone thru this for so long tho its just crazy, it felt like it was never gonna end.

[mr me]

i just wonder what it is about me that people dont seem to feel that i need help. Am i not askin for it or is it just because my whole life i have had to only depend on myself that i help myself and thats why. I guess if not that then maybe its just that no one has anything to say so idk but i guess one day ill make this better. I guess thanks for anyone that could take the time out to actually write something.

[mr me]

im kinda looking at this almost like no one could help me because i need real help which is what im gettin. i just need alot of it and so far both of my exs have helped me out because its crazy how different my life is. i also dont think anyone else could get it because on the outside looking in its not even close to how it really is for me.