My Wife dosent find me sexualy attractive.

[unsureconfused]

My wife and I have been married for 4 years now and our sex life has been waning over the last year or so. We are both in our mid 20's no kids both work the 8-5 and make average money. I still feel that we are very in love each other and honestly don't feel she is cheating, not even a possibility as we spend all of our free time together. We were best friends before we got married and still are, and we had a very active and exciting sex life. My physical appearance hasn't changed that much since we were married I am about 5'9" and 178lbs a little heavy I don't consider my self unattractive well I guess I didn't.

Things have gotten to the point where we will have sex maybe once a month. I tried talking to her about this problem and she was very honest with me and told me she was just not turned on by me any more, she was board and felt that having sex with me was more of a chore than something she wants to do. I had asked for the truth so I tried not to react but I was hurt and withdrew. Knowing that she had hurt me she offered some pity sex but that just made me feel worse. We have already introduced lube and a vibe to the bedroom the lube because she was just doing it for me I guess, and the latter so I could ensure she finished every time. I don’t know what to do.

[Tethys]

Wow, I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I at least respect your wife for being honest with you (so many women are not when it comes to not wanting sex -- they come up with all sorts of excuses!).

 

I have never been in this situation, so I cannot tell you what you should do. Perhaps someone else who HAS gone through this will give some guidance.

 

I truly wish you well!

[Bunney]

If she found you sexually attractive and had a lot of sex in the beginning & not anymore now then I think there might be a few serious issues there. However just like Tethys, I've never been in such a situation either... So I don't have any good advice. Try not to ignore red flags.

[KG]

Sorry to hear this!

Can you two sit and talk, maybe a restuarant, and figure out what she would

suggest to improve your sex life?

It sounds as though you have good communication, use that to sort this out!

Good luck!

Come back!

[annie24]

yes, talk to her, see what she says about improving things. you can maybe go to the gym, work out, get some more fashionable clothes. maybe pick up some toys at a sex shop like games, instructional DVDs, lotions, etc.... maybe spice things up again?

[Beec]

OK, first things first, welcome to enotalone. Please stick around.

 

Second, NO, NO, do not lsiten to these women about talking to her. No F__ing way!

 

The key thing to understand is that her not being attracted to you probably has nothing to do with how you look. Her statements confirm that, she is bored. She's not telling you that she does not think you look good enough. However, she is talking about how she feels. But how she feels in this regard is probbaly more controlled by how you treat her than how you look.

 

What has been your apporach to sex with her? Does it change, is it the same? What do you do? My guess is that whatever you do, it is pretty predictable. All sexual TENSION has left your relationship, and that happens when you are predictable. Imaigne this scenario, you are single and on a dinner date with a woman for the third or fourth time. Through out the date, she seems like her mind is someplace else. She does not make eye contact, she does not seem to be listening, she seems bored. How will you feel? Nervous probably, wondering if she likes you still, wondering if something is wrong between the two of you. Her actions would be creating tension in you.

 

Now, imagine, you leave the restaurant with her and walk someplace, in silence or with a few simple comments, not real conversation, and suddenly, she turns to you, grabs you and kisses you passionately. Now, what happened to all those nerves? What happens to all the TENSION. It gets released. When the tension gets released, you feel great. You get an emotional high. Give someone those highs, and they will seek more of them. It's almost like a drug. However, when the high is given again and again and again, in the same amount, the the person stops feeling the high. You have been trying to give her the same high over and over, and she is simply bored with it.

 

How do you add tension or begin to? First, do nothing immediately because anything you do is going to be seen as being done to cure the problem. What you are going to be trying to do is to seduce your wife, and the first step iin any seduction, after choosing who you are goignt o try to seduce is to make an indirect approach. If she knows you are changing to get more sex, it won't work. So, let your changes begin to take place in the near future, not right now. This is also why you do not begin to talk more about this to her, and this is why counselling will probably not help. Talking and talking about shi will nto change how she feels, and that is what you need to change.

 

(I am going to suggest you read a few things; one is the Art of Seduction by Robert Greene, not all but some of it will and should help you; two is to sign up for and maybe consider reading more of the stuff put out by Dave DeAngelo who maintains link removed. He writes a lot about attraction and has a lot of information about being "cocky and funny.")

 

Next, I would being to give your wife a hard time about some things, but only in a joking manner. The cocky and funny stuff us an example of a man not simply conceding to a woman's wishes. You give her a hard time, you do not simply try to be overly nice, and she is attracted. DeAneglo's sites and others like it have plenty of info geared at guys who are trying to be players, but the same skills can be used to attract women for any purpose, and you need to attract your wife.

 

You mention no sex, but you also do not mention no affection. I assume there is some affection between the two of you, and that you kiss. My bet is that your kisses are quick pecks, hello, goodbye and etc. You walk up to each other, put your closed lips together and kiss, then part. In a few weeks, begin to do this, back away. When she moves in to kiss you, back off, smile as if joking, then let her lean in again, and back away again. You will and should let her catch you, but she should begin to feel some tension from this.

 

Do not seek sex from her. If she begins to get more than affectionate, then go with it for a little while, then break it off.

 

You should get yourself in better shape. Doing so is not for her visual or sensory benefit, but it should help your confidence. I'd recommend some physical activity that is considered to be mostly for guys, lifting, boxing, etc. As you get into better shape, if she comes onto you, tell her "you only want me for my body," jokingly. It creates tension and adds value to you.

 

In short, you need to change how you treat her, and that does not mean flowers and gifts. It means her feeling like you have value and are a bit unpredictable.

 

Good luck.

[Coyote9]

I have been in situations like yours several times....and what I have to say isn't going to be very optimistic. In my experiece (I'm in my 40's and have been single for a long time in numerous relationships and one marriage), when a woman is into me, she is into sex with me. I have noticed that several of the women I have had relationships with have a pattern of initially being very available, sexually, emotionally, time-wise early in relationships, but over time they withdraw and eventually either cheat, or leave the relationship. I don't know what your wife's relationship history is, but if that's the pattern, then it's only going to get worse and she continues to withdraw, trigger your insecurities, causing you to appear more needy, which turns her off even more.

 

I think a marriage implies people work through stuff. It would be one thing if she was saying "I want to work on this because I know this isn't about you but it's about me." But that's not what she's saying. What she said in fact was cruel and immasulcating, even if it is the truth.

 

We all deserve to be loved by someone who is as passionate and devoted as we are to them. The marriage you are in sounds like a one way street as far as intimacy. This woman gets the benefits of your emotional and financial support, but yet she's unable to be intimate with you, and I would imagine that's not just sexually but emotionally as well.

 

You need to get into counseling and raise your concerns I believe. If she is saying she isn't turned on by you, etc, then she may eventually look elsewhere. My recent ex girl friend had the pattern I described above....as she withdrew it was horrible, I tried and tried, emoted more, made myself more open, and pushed her away even further. She even told me "I only need sex once a month or so" which was a total lie as she had been very into it the first 6 months of our relationship.

 

These women have issues that they need to address. You sound like someone who has done nothing to deserve this sort of treatment. My ex kept saying things like "it's not forever, just until I figure out why I do this." The last 6 months of the relationship were horrible, as I was very frustrated and hurt and she was sexually and emotionally more and more unavailable. I was offered pity sex and when that happened it made me only feel worse, as she was a shell of the woman who had once told me that she and I had "the best sex of my life."

 

Don't let this fester. I wish now I'd simply have said. "I love you, but this isn't working for me, either we get to the bottom of this and fix it, or I'm afraid I can't' be in this relationship." Instead I stayed, asked her to do counseling, gave her space, became more devoted and emotive...and totally lost her respect for me as a man. Woman who know how to be intimate and who value the love and affection of their partners don't do stuff like this.

 

In my opinion from the information you've given above, you've got a ticking time bomb here headed for either infidelity or a lot of your own pain as this this spirals and continues. I will say, in the 2 or 3 cases where I experienced what you have, once the relationships ended, my ex's were immediately involved with others....almost as if they'd been grooming someone new even as their interest in me waned. In one case, an ex had sex with an ex of hers the last month or so of our relationship.

 

I wish you well and hope you find a way to keep your own self regard and personal power in the midst of this, as in my experience there is nothing more painful than to be rejected in this way by someone we love and cherish and who we would do about anything for. Be willing to assert yourself here and walk away if she's not willing to admit her role in this, as it's not about you at this point, it's about her and her patterns and boredom which I suspect you will find she's done previously with others.

coyote

[Tethys]

Beec's advice is good, but that depends on whether she is still attracted to you.

 

Coyote's is good too, depending on the problem...

 

...and that is the problem. You need to find out WHY she is like this. If she truly isn't attracted to you anymore, end of story, I don't know what you can do, but I do know that happens with LT relationships, the "sizzle" can be recaptured. Other times, it cannot.

 

I do find it strange that it has waned in so few years without even children to interfere. Something to take into account.

[Coyote9]

In short, you need to change how you treat her, and that does not mean flowers and gifts. It means her feeling like you have value and are a bit unpredictable.

 

Beec makes a number of good points here as well. She needs to see that you will not be a doormat and cater to her every mood and whim. Get into the gym and do that work for yourself, make yourself more attractive to not just her but others. My experience has always been when I've pulled back, not spitefully but to care for myself in a relationship and let a woman know I have a life and my own dignity to preserve, they have realized that I am also attractive to others and have come running back, if only for a short time. We get it all backwards because we think we can logically help them work through these issues. They are not thinking logically and will only understand your actions, not your words or intentions. It is hard to do this, as we all want to be able to feel we can be vulnerable and open, but a woman who is responding to you as your wife is is not a safe person to do that with, at least not until she's acknowledged her role in fixing this problem.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah right on to what Beec and Coyote are saying!!

 

BTW: what in the world...the fact that this woman said to you "This is more of a chore than something I want to do", and you didn't call her on that - - -

 

there must be a pattern of you catering to her a little too much.

 

That was uncalled for. Honestly, it didn't serve any purpose except to hurt you, and she should have been thinking of what was coming out her mouth to the man she loves enough to take his feelings into consideration.

 

When she whips you, don't turn and go "thanks madam, may I have another? May I operate the vibe for you?".

 

You need to stand up to her, and get her interested in you again.

 

There's honesty, then there's simple ball crushing. Think she is starting to take you for granted. She needs a wake up call. She needs to know what she is toying with throwing away so casually.

 

And maybe you need to get reacquainted with that part of yourself and all you have to offer - not just her, but any woman. Time for you to feel sexy.

Yes, YOU.

[RayKay]

Her "attraction" probably has little to do with your physical appearance if that has not changed much. Of course, I recommend you work out anyway to feel better about yourself, and it might just have her looking at you in a new way too....

 

There is a LOT of research to indicate that after a length of time together, the desire for intimacy can fade after the newness does. Now, in some couples this does not mean a drastic change in frequency, because many couples also realize that sexual intimacy is still important, realize the reason is about this natural phenomenon and still put that effort into it (they "just do it" in other words and find that you can still have a spark, even if not a fire).

 

This also happens a lot when you combine a "Low Testosterone" with a "High Testosterone" person. Initially, the Low T may act like a High T as the newness/honeymoon phase has their sexual energy charged, but eventually they return to their natural state. Again, the answer is to just do it.

 

Intimacy is often highly related to emotional intimacy as well. If she is feeling unsure about your emotional bond, or there are relationship conflicts that continue to affect the emotional intimacy, the sexual desire can drop right off.

 

There are of course many medical reasons as well - related to hormones, medications, her own self esteem/health......

 

The danger of course in all this is that you grow further apart, and it also makes the relationship more open to divorce, or to infidelity (either you out of frustration, or her because she finds someone whom does make her WANT sex again - which of course would only last a while again).

 

A good book I recommend is "The Truth About Love" By Dr. Pat Love (yes, that IS her last name!). It really explains this sexual difference dynamic with some good advice how to get back on board.

 

 

Really the important thing is that you work at this together, and work together to figure out how to revive that part. It isn't easy, and I feel for you. Contrary to popular belief, it is not just women whom lose interest in sex, so I definitely can relate to the pain of it.

 

Good Luck.

[tylercdurden2004]

Yup.

 

Buying sex toys ect will not spice up attraction. Spice up a dull sex life yes but these things wont create attraction.

 

I will follow this up by recommending a book that I think will help based on my initial reaction to your post.

 

The book is More Mr. Nice Guy[/u] by Robert Glover. There is some good parts in there about sexless marriages. Many man suffer from this and dont realize that they are largely responsible for it. If you are willing to put the work in and change your approach to sex and your wife you will be surprised at the results.

[alwaysthegirlfriend]

although i never been in your situation before i have had friends in your similar situation. i guess after a while you are soo comfortable with eachother that the drive is starting to lose it's spark.

 

can i ask you a couple questios?

 

1. have you talked it out and asked her why she is not feeling it?

 

2. when was the last time you took a vacation together to relax?

 

3. when was the last time you went on a date or did a little extra for her.. surprise date, romantic gift: roses, candles, bubble bath

 

see when i was living with my boyfriend we both were working and had school and after a couple months or so after living together I admitted to hm that I felt like everything seemed so routine.

 

we still had sex but our daily life seemed soo much like a routine: work or school then come home to dinner, sex then shower and sleep.

 

so after i told him that we started having date days which i looked forward to the week. we went out that day and did anything. movies, dinner, golf, walk on the beach, drive around... basically anything to get out of the house and do something different.

 

it was nice and i knew he made an effort when he planned our dates.

after that our drive grew more.

 

it wasn't just the going out and doing exciting things but it was the fact that he was considerate on how i felt and he made an effort to make things work.

[TheDoc]

Your situation is the main reason I believe every couple should attend premarital counseling. If they don’t, like you, they soon discover the sad reality that dating life is not a preview to married life. Granted there are exceptions to this, but in general, your experience with your wife is common enough that it is now the brunt of many jokes, much like those of other common experiences such as annoying mother-in-laws and cheating husbands.

 

There are many theories as to why a majority of couples find themselves in a sexually disappointing marriage such as yours. A primary one is that couples assume the other person has the same thoughts and attitudes that they do. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. On the whole, males and females think very differently when approaching situations. As an example, there is an old adage that says: "A man enters marriage expecting his wife to stay the same. A woman enters marriage expecting her husband to change." Yet rarely is this communicated clearly before marriage. This contrast in attitudes is such a common occurrence with couples that a humorous play’s been written about a wife’s attitude called "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change." There is another monologue comedy highlighting some of the contrasting attitudes of both men and women called “Defending The Caveman”. (see link removed) While the plays are funny at highlighting gender differences, living in a frustrating situation caused by these differences is no laughing matter. To help fix this issue, both of you have to communicate the attitudes driving your decisions. To help you understand what those might be I suggest a great book by Deborah Tannen's "That's Not What I Meant."

 

Another theory as to why men and women get themselves into a sexually disappointing marriage is that people are unknowingly driven by primal desires inherited from our ancestors. You may have heard of “Hunter – Gatherers” in connection with earlier humans. The theory goes that much of our unconscious behavior is driven by the same underlying drives these humans had. The hunter was preoccupied with killing food. He was also driven to spread his seed in order to pass on his genes. So sex was on his mind a lot. The gatherers went in ‘shopping’ groups to find fruits and berries. When in the camp with the rest of the tribe, gatherers needed to be protected from wild animals who ventured into the camp to get a share of the meat brought back from the hunts. This created a mutually beneficial situation between the hunters (male) and gatherers (females). If the female could entice a male to get her pregnant, she knew the male would remain close to ensure his offspring survived by providing food and protection to his born and unborn children and their mother. In order to entice the male to this commitment, she only had to give him enough sex to get her pregnant, after that he was committed to staying close by to take care of them. The theory says that females today do the same thing… unconsciously. They entice a male to make a commitment (marriage). After she receives the commitment, she believes he will remain close to provide for her and her children. So she doesn’t have to try anymore. That is why dating sex is great. The woman appears to be everything a man wants so that he will make ‘the commitment’. After that is achieved, the need to entice him is pretty much over. Again, it is not a conscious plan, but it is still one executed by many women, nonetheless. (I’m sure men also unknowingly plan, but that’s not pertinent to our discussion.) This situation is a hard one to correct because it takes a lot of introspection to identify if it is what's driving the behaviors and decision. And even if it turns out to be the case, the decision to make the 'commitment' has already been made.

 

Another theory is that while men approach life as a group of activities, women approach life as a series of achievements. Men work, play, sleep, eat, and have sex – day in and day out. Women on the other hand, step through a series of achievements like- becoming an adult, having a successful career, finding a man, building a home, having a family, raising a family, launching children into adulthood, supporting adult children and their children. Notice that there is only one stage in her achievements where the man is the prime focus. Beyond that, it becomes the house and children. Again, once the women achieves the step of getting a committed man, her focus moves onto the next achievement. Much like above, it’s not a conscious plan, but one that happens nonetheless. In this situation, the man has to accept this change of focus and become an equal partner in helping her to succeed. In turn, she will be more likely show her appreciation for her partners cooperation and be more willing to meet her partners needs out of mutual respect.

 

Finally, there is a theory that the change in marriage has to do with brain chemistry. Dr. Helen Fisher believes that we fall into love because of a rush of brain chemicals. And once those wane (after being together about 4 years) couples become disillusioned with each other. This waning used to be called the “Seven Year Itch.” Here’s an except I found about Dr. Fisher’s theory:

 

=============

A comedy classic film, The Seven Year Itch (1955) starring Marilyn Monroe, Tom Ewell, and directed by Billy Wilder, satirised the tendency of men to "stray" from their wives after seven years of marriage.

 

Is there really a seven year itch? According to research, it is more likely the four year itch. Dr Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at the Centre for Human Evolutionary Studies in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University, studied 62 groups of people from different cultures throughout the world.

 

She found that, overall, divorce rates peak after about four years, not seven.

==============

 

So as you can see, the challenge you are facing may very well have nothing to do with you personallly. It is likely the result of an unconscious attitude or chemical behavior for which you have little control. That is, until you can identify the possible source and bring it to a conscious level. At that point it can be more easily remedied by you and your wife as you start making deliberate decisions versus unconscious ones.

 

I take marriage relationships very seriously because I think in the long run it can be the most rewarding relationship a person can have. It can also be a lifetime of mutually beneficial activities if couples understand each other on a deeper level. Hopefully, I have helped to give you some insight to help you with this understanding.

 

Good Luck and please don’t hesitate to post if you have some more questions.

[segagirl]

Welcome

Of course we know that this is quite common. Its great that you are talking about dealing with it now before it becomes an issue you both cannot solve. I agree that the prob. has nothing to do with your looks, at all. I also agree that she might is just bored....it does happen in even the most loving of relationships. Also we all know that sex does change with our loved ones over time.....it just does. Given that....still don't let it die!

 

I don't know your wife, but talking to death about it will prob. do NO good....the last thing she wants is whining. What she might want is stimulation from beyond the bedroom. We women are not like you, we want you to excite us outside the bed! Romance perhaps, teasing, a new skill or talent that you can show off (im telling you this works) ....do something to make her feel enchanted by you again. Are you stuck in a rut mentally? (learn something new that will make her realize you are forever growing) skill wise? (learn to build a new desk) Do something new! You can actually create new interest in the bed....outside of the bedroom!

[real_life_101]

I can relate to what your wife is going through. I have been in several long term relationships, that have lost there luster. Fisrt of all face the facts long term relationships and marriages always get boring. Your sex life always slows down. My problem was I would have sex in the beginning of the relationship as much as possible, mostly every day. After a year I was so sick of them that I would end the realationship thinking I was not in love with them. I am talking about really attractive women. You need to pace your self you are in a marathon not a sprint. Try having really good sex once a week, that is the average for most long term couples. Enjoy other aspects of your relationship, dont just focus on sex. I know it's hard trust me, but it will keep you from getting bored as well as her. Because then once a week you can try all sorts of different things, and it wont become routine.

[Rabican]

From everything Ive heard women equate sex and desire to emotions.

 

I get turned on simply by looking at my girl in a cute shirt.

 

So for me its like, wow you look hot in that shirt, lets have sex. for her its like, wheres the romantic guy you were when we first started dating (I wasnt paying 90% of my money in bills then and working 60 hours to make ends meet) so Ive slacked some on flowers etc.

 

We still have lots of sex though....

 

But is there any chance you just arent romancing her, or showing her enough affection, attention etc. Why dont you try getting her some flowers, a nice card, taking her out to a romantic dinner etc. Just show her a good time, and see if the sex comes later. Dont do it just trying to get laid, shell know and then probably resent you for it.

[StartinFreshBaby]

DO NOT GIVE UP! Where there is a will there is a way. I f u love her then you will do anything in your power to hold on to her. I personaly think that talking about it will only make things worst. You need to sit down by yourself and reflect on the beginning of your relationship. What made you fall inlove with one another? I know that as a woman I am more turned on by simple things like foreplay and flirting. It takes more for a girl to become aroused. I can't just think of sex and get in the mood. You have to work me and it doesn't start 5 minutes before we initiate sex. Honestly when was the last time that you send your wife flowers to her job just because you were thinking of her? Or, When was the last time you complemented her on how she looks or told her she was sexy. I personally need to be mentally stimulated in order to find a man attractive. I've been in situations where I did not want to be even touched by my boyfriend. Why? Because he might of made me feel like he was only interested in my sex. Another question you have to ask yourself is, Do you really know what she likes in bed? Are you doing it right? Are you too rough or too soft? You need to find out how she likes it, sometimes a woman doesn't wanna bruise a mans ego by saying "you're not pleasuring me, you're hurting me" or "this feels dull". watch an adult movie w/ her if she's okay with it and feed off of her reaction try to read her body language and ask her if she has any fantasies. Lube and vibe are boring instead try to buy some kinky sex games at your adult store. they sell play cards, dice w/ positions, ect. Also try picking out a skimpy outfit together and always play the right music ( you can't possibly be having sex with the 6'oclock news on your tv, and expect it to be a mood setter) Just use your imagination, and don't be affriad to try new things. Oh, and don't ask her "Is it okay if we do this or if i do that to you" she'll probably say no cause it's a turn off to be asked(trust me I hate when my boyfriend asks if it's okay) instead just go for it and if it's something that she's not into I'm sure she'll let you know. Oh, and stop asking her if you can have sex today IT'S A TURN OFF. I really wish you a lot of luck.

[tylercdurden2004]

Oh' date=' and don't ask her "Is it okay if we do this or if i do that to you" she'll probably say no cause it's a turn off to be asked(trust me I hate when my boyfriend asks if it's okay) instead just go for it and if it's something that she's not into I'm sure she'll let you know. Oh, and stop asking her if you can have sex today IT'S A TURN OFF. I really wish you a lot of luck.[/quote']

 

Yes. You need to show confidence and competence by just doing.

 

But I really think you need to start seducing her. Pull her close then push her away a little. Be hard to get and not such an open book. Thats boring and doesnt create that good tension.

 

Kiss her passionately and play with her but dont turn it into sex. If she feels that it has to turn into sex everytime, whether it does or not, she may start to feel objectified. She may start to feel that you are only interested in mechanical, black and white sex with not colour or passion.

 

Start playing with her and making it enjoyable.