I now know what grief and shock feels like

[ivanhoe]

Searching for weeks for support after my ex girlfriends decision to end our relationship after 3.5 years I found this site and what a blessing you all are. Whether going through the grieving process, recovering or reconcilling the posts I have read are inspirational.

 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I certainly wouldn't have made the mistakes I have made in my predictable methods to win back my ex had I taken the time to research and work on how I was feeling before diving in nd following my "emotions". I am now on my 6th day of NC although having read some posts I need to move further away to full NC i.e. not waiting for emails etc. so I am re-setting the calendar - today is day one.

 

Here's a very brief overview...

 

My girlfriend of 4 years ended our relationship at the beginning of July. We lived together in her house in the North East, UK and I was told to leave and remove my belongings, pretty much overnight. I now live 120 miles away in Leicester. My girlfriend also has a 10 year old daughter who I loved as my own and who saw me as "number 2 dad".

 

We used to have a lot of fun together and we laughed and loved like most couples in love, it was probably the best relationship I have had. It hasn't been easy, my previous relationship was an abusive one and I left feeling very low after after suffering emotionally, physically and financially. I met my ex and she was wonderful, kind, caring and a fantastic mother and she loved me a lot. As a result of my previous relationship and the effect it had on my I had lost a well paid job and when she asked me to move to York with her I did. It took about 18months for me to find a good job and during that time it was hard with me contributing where I could through decorating and looking after her daughter. The job I have now is excellent, pays very well and I excel at it however it takes me away from home during the week and it seems one problem was replaced by another. Our communications disintegrated and rather than spend our time discussing our dreams and plans we seemed to end up arguing over small things, finding no resolution and falling out. We ceased to have any quality time together with just the two of us and she felt that I did not value her or love her because I did not act in a loving enough way often enough, doing the little tender affectionate things that I realise now are so important, now we are apart. I am a kind, loving and sensitive man and also miss the loving and tenderness. I really regret allowing thing to get this far and recognise how my behaviour has led her to believe that "there is no hope for us".

 

She has decided that there is to be no communication between us and will not consider any discussion. I have sent emails and letters but this proved futile and Jo is adamant that we need to move on with our lives separately. I love, respect, admire and adore her I feel incredibly sad that it's over and she wants no contact from me at all. It seemed to turn so quickly, from her telling me she "loved me more than ever" on June 28th to dumping me on July 3rd.

 

I don't know what it was that turned her from hot to cold. She has been having a tough timewith her Mother being ill for the past 9 months and I haven't been as supportive as I could have been. Maybe she just decided enough is enough. I wrote a short email last week explaining that I accepted her decision and understood that she didn't feel loved and cherished, I apologised and left it wishing her happiness and that I would be here if she wanted to talk. I haven't had a response and have no intention of contacting her again, "if you love someone set them free", we are both free now, me especially as I have no ties whatsoever. I am moving from the position of "needing" to be with her to "wanting" to be with her which feels much more healthy.

 

I may contact her in a month or two but that will depend on my feelings at that time. I'm sure anyone who reads or posts to this forum will appreciate that this is not easy and I am aware that I am going through a grieving process (and so is she) and my feelings are normal and to a certain extent my actions - crying, pleading, almost begging etc. are somewhat sadly predictable and counter-productive for either my own healing and recovery or for the chance of any reconcilliation.

 

I think of her very often and am learning an awful lot about my own emotions, for the first time (i'm 39) I understand what grief and shock feel like. The actual physical symptoms of my heart rate increasing, the tightening of my chest, the lumps in my throat, trembling internally and spontaneous silent tearfall. I am beginning to embrace these feelings and accept them and through this I will grow and be better in any relationship that I find in the future whether this is with her or not. I've stopped crying in the mornings first thing and although I do have a daily sob I am getting a better understanding and perspective. I have had many false peaks and I do not expect to heal overnight, this relationship was important to me and although I didn't treat it with the love it required and deserved I accept that I will grieve for it.

 

The tough bit now is me moving on, accepting it is over for good and working on my own life. Essentially I must leave her, something I never dreamed I would do but even though she was the "dumper" I still have to make the decision to turn around, and start walking - keep taking each step. So it's ahead with Tai Chi, Yoga and I am enrolling on my BSc (Hons) Psychology.

 

We cannot make someone love us and besides how would we feel if our ex came back to us out of sympathy? That is certainly no good way to build the foundations for a healthy relationship. People should be together because they want to be together, if she decides she wants to be with me and i want to be with her then we can disuss, if not we keep moving in our own direction knowing that we will both be better equipped in the future and not make the same mistakes. I'm not saying this is easy and it is early days for me so I will keep posting with my feelings as I take my journey, I think of her a lot and still have the occasional sob, I just don't beat myself up anymore. I screwed up, I will learn and change. It is the definition of madness to expect something to change whilst changing nothing.

 

So, just because one person does not want to be with you doesn't mean that no-one will but first we need to love and value oursleves -we cannot give what we haven't got. Once we start to value ourselves again our thought process and body language changes and good things happen. If you have ever flown remember what they say about the oxygen masks - "put your own on before attempting to help others with theirs". Fix yourself first, you must be selfish to be selfless.

 

I've been to the very bottom, believe me - scary thoughts have crossed my mind, thoughts of incredible low self value and insignificance but as Winston Churchill said "If you are going through hell, keep going" so my message is keep going. Embrace the feelings you have, one day your experience will turn into wisdom and that will in turn enable each of us to provide support to our friends, family, neighbours and strangers, and if we are lucky have a long, healthy and mutually rewarding relationship too.

 

I find music helps and I can recommend a bit of Cat Stevens for spiritual inspiration, my favourites are "morning has broken" and "if you want to sing out".

 

With that I'm off to decorate my flat for a while, I've chosen calm warm colours and it looks good so far...

 

Take care and be nice to yourself is my mantra.

 

Paul

[fr0st]

Sounds like you are doing pretty good for yourself I wish i could say I was doing the same.

[lonelyuk]

It hurts so much doesn't it? All those questions but no answers.

All I can say at the moment is hang in there and stick with the NC, exactly what I am trying to do.

 

Some days are better than others, some are worse......just don'tmake things worse by recontacting and opening up wounds, you will never heal......jeez, I really do need to take my own advice!

 

Good luck Paul

 

Paul

[itsallgrand]

Wow. Welcome to the forum, Ivanhoe.

 

That WAS a very quick turn around. And you are still rather fresh out of this relationship, and yet are so positive and are doing a lot of the right things. That's going to serve you so well.

 

It must be especially hard when there are children involved. That's not something I have experience with, but some of the members here have. It does pull at my heartstrings.

 

So, what has happened with you and the little girl? Do you still have contact with her? That part confuses me a little. Does she also have contact and a relationship with her bio dad?

 

It's nice to have you here. Can tell you are a good addition to the board already. tc

[champy]

I am impressed with what you wrote. You have just gone through all that and already you are showing so much positiveness and strength. That's great. I wish I was strong and most of all, I wish my bf would be like you, strong and accepting that sometimes things just don't go our way.

 

Thanks for sharing

[ivanhoe]

Hello all and thank you for the kind words.

 

It's not easy and thinking about it does make me feel sad and bring a tear to my eye, I have no choice but to look forward though, I can't change the past.

 

I've not had any contact with my ex's daughter, it's tough on all of us I bet. I had a great relationship with her, she asked her Mum about a year ago "I know I have a Dad but can Paul be my Dad?". We used to snuggle up, play fight, do homework and all that great stuff. One of the things I admired about by ex was the fact that she was such an ace mother, she's an amazing woman actually. There is a relationship between the daughter and her father and it's a good one and she's a fantastic child so things seem to be working for her. I'm sure she misses me, she'll be 11 in December so she'll get over it, and so will I although I can see myself in years to come wondering how she is doing.

 

Yes, this is fairly recent, we've been rocky since april with a mini split up and reconcilliation in may but things didn't change quick enough. We didn't actually communicate what needed to change very well...

 

I decided last Monday I needed to take the week off, I'm a management consultant (my god we are human!) so it's fast, expectation driven and stressful. I nearly lost it during the previous week and weekend, it was not good. I had a reiki session last Saturday, the lady told me my heart initially refused energy then when she had unblocked my throat my heart became respnsive. I really don't know if this had an effect but I cried my heart out on Saturday and Sunday.

 

This week off has been good, a mixture of decorating and lying around feeling sad, having a cry and doing a bit more decorating. It's tough having no-one really to talk to, I have a sister who is without doubt the finest woman on the planet so we talk but I can't tell her exactly how I'm feeling as it's not fair to burden her with this stuff. She's a good listener though and is great for colour scheme advice!

 

Finding this site has been a real help and where I feel I can I will contribute my experience and thoughts, the web has some good resources. It's good to know that you are not alone

 

It's early stages but I've got a life to live and if someone wants share it then it has to be someone that will still love me even when it is difficult. My ex has set the bar in many respects, I know what I want and I won't settle for any less, she was ace and I'm glad we had time together. I loved to see her smile and hear her laugh, we did do that a lot. It makes me smile and I hope she will be happy, I hope both of them will be.

 

I have no idea what is in the future, I'm replanning my journey and hope to still end up in the same place, preferably with a boat in the sun by the time I'm 50. No shoes - no shirt - no problem... It's always been my vision and it was one my ex also said she shared. I'll continue working towards it taking each day as it comes.