Keep trying against all odds?

[fr0st]

Initial story

 

 

I am terribly sorry I didn't continue to update this, this comunity helped me so much and i didnt give enough back.

 

At Thanksgiving we ended up getting back together, and remained extremely close and very much in love. She received a internship at the US embassy in Bern Switzerland for the summer. So at the begging of the summer she left for Bern. We promised each other we would keep contact more than ever and update one another constantly. We did for the first month or so then gradually due to stress at my job and school work during the summer. I began to get jealous of her and would pounce on her when she wouldn't right me enough or call me enough. I told myself I didnt want a relationship where she was out traveling and having fun and i was stuck here just waiting for her to return. I told her I loved her more than anything I just didnt want to be with her anymore, I broke up with her, I told her to see other people i didnt care. And i would do the same. I told her she couldnt show me that she still loved me.

 

She told me I should wait til she gets back then she would show me how much she loves me and she regretting takeing the internship. I told her not to its the best thing in her life. Well after than she sent me a email everyday for 9 days explaining things to me telling me she loved me and would always love me. During this time I didnt respond to her not even a word i ignored her. We started talk a bit I told her I was going on dates etc. And we shouldnt talk again for awhile, because i just end up upset. About a week later she sends a simple email ask where i met these girls.

 

A week following that email, after actually going on a few dates I regretted my decision. I called her via skype and we talked for a bit casually like friends, at some point I turn the conversation into us. I began to cry, I told her i made a mistake. She told me it was a mistake, thats how she really felt too she just never said it, she knew we were going to fail. And she doesnt love me in the same way. I told her how much i regretted those dates and nothing happened. Then she said she went out to and had began seeing someone(this is a little over a month after i told her to see someone else). Of course i went crazy i cried and i asked her how, and she said we had failed there was nothing more to it. She was seeing someone else and that was the clearest she could put it to me, that she still loved me, but not in a relationship.

 

That was about a week ago, tonight she flew home to New York. We spoke again, our first conversation was me being very bitter. This time our conversation took place on a chat client she didnt want to speak to me on the phone she told me it just hurts too much for both of us and i get to upset. She logged off abruptly. I knew she still had skype open I swapped over to skype and started again, but this time I decided i have nothing to loose I was honest with my feelings for the first time in a long time, I didnt say anything bitter. I told her the truth.

 

I told her I wanted to marry her, and I should have told her sooner. And that I know that more than likely we wont get back together and this isnt a last ditch effort to get her back. It was my honest feelings for her. I wanted to marry her I loved her, her family everything. I never have told her anything about marriage or any of this, but I was feeling this back in Jan. Her response was that it was the greatest compliment that anyone could possibly ever give her and yes she still did love me, but not in a relationship sort of way, and she was seeing someone else. She told me she would bring me my things from her parents house in person and see me again in person this week to drop them off rather than just leave it at my door or with my room mate.

 

So we get off. I began to cry uncontrollably. I decided to call my mother I explained everything to her. Mind you I have never talked to my mom about relationships. This was a first for me. She asked me why i broke up with her after i did so much to get her back. I had no reason, she told me I should have started to work there to facilitate the relationship. And that breaking up was the easy thing to do. She went on to say that a good relationship takes a lot more work that most modern couples are willing to put into it. And for the most part take the easy way out, and that is to find someone new.

 

I told my mother how i wanted to marry her someday. She told me if I really love her that much that I do everything in my power to show her. And not by begging her or calling her and crying. But to just show her how much I love her. She told me she thinks Alisa still cares for me, i told her i think she just doesnt love me anymore at all. She told me she knows for a fact Alisa loved me and nothing in the world will ever change that.

 

 

So now her is my question to you guys. What do I do, do I let my soul mate walk out of my life. And begin looking for someone else. Or do I go after with the greatest tenacity the world has ever seen?

 

 

Again what bothers me is everyone we both know says how great of a couple we make. And how we look into each other's eyes, they can tell we are in love. People have told us that we as though will get married someday, but here I am alone.

 

Im sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes, but I believe you guys wont be to harsh on me for that stuff, as you can understand how I feel.

 

 

Thank you,

John

 

If anyone wants to talk to me via skype or Aim or anything please PM I could really use someone to talk to about this.

[CrapAtNC]

Forgive me if this is a little blunt, but it really is intended to help you.

 

You need to take a good look at the way you handle your relationships. From what you have written yourself, you seem selfish, insecure, demanding, and a little cruel. I should say I recognise the old me in there, so I know where you're coming from.

 

If you want my honest opinion, as someone who has been in a very similar situation to yours, I would suggest you back off. Go NC, or maybe just reply nicely, calmly and politely to any communication from her (but don't be too available - that shows desperation and neediness and actually pushes them away).

 

Spend a month taking a good look at yourself and your behaviour in relationships. Read a book called Bonds That Make Us Free (free online - do a search and click on the Meridian Magazines link). See how you may have been playing the victim so well that you were actually vivtimizing someone who didn't deserve it.

 

Accept that she may need to try other relationships (you're both young - better she explores now than later). Work on becoming a good man, a supportive man, a less needy man. Show her you have grown, not by telling her, but by your actions.

 

Again, I apologise if my post seems overly critical. You have a lot of work to do, and * * * * *-footing around isn't going to help any.

 

Good luck. I sincerely wish you all the best.

[fr0st]

This * * * * is bananas I tell you!!!!! She sent me a email today saying, that she really did love me and still does, but she is going to move on and has moved on. And that I could keep my equipment at her house(hockey and snowboard) until my season starts up..... I just asked her to bring it over to me so that we can just both move on and be completely independent, I know if she keeps it, it will just keep some flicker of hope in my hear. And I dont want that.... Why cant she just let me go, bring me my stuff and be done with it.

 

Im not even going to read into this. I really wish there was a machine like in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". I just want not to love her, i really do for my own selfish reasons, I know.

 

Another problem I am having now. Last year I started the gym to get in shape, which I did, I dropped 30lbs and got pretty solid... Now I cant stop loosing weight, im going to end up like Christiam Bale from "The Machinest". I have dropped 9lbs in two weeks...

[fr0st]

Also I decided im not going to do anything more. Because I love her, she has to lead her own life. And be who she wants to be. I will be writing her hand written letters from time to time. But nothing more than my own personal writing on various topics nothing about what im doing or questions asking her what shes doing, just reflections on the world arround me.

[fr0st]

No my friend that makes perfect sense, I am actually feeling a bit better tonight. I have some nice trips lined up, my birthday in Dominican Republic learning to kiteboard. And then a two week long trip to Israel in Dec. I have to have nothing but love for her.... I have to learn to be that way. I just wish she would facilitate certain things.

[Clabs]

Hey fr0st!

 

That kiteboarding thing looks mental - I so want to try it but I have a bad shoulder - I'd last 1 minute!

 

Getting some nice trips away booked up really helps in getting over things - having something fun booked up makes al the difference.

 

Take care of yourself and have fun!

 

Mark

[CatsMeeoow]

Another problem I am having now. Last year I started the gym to get in shape, which I did, I dropped 30lbs and got pretty solid... Now I cant stop loosing weight, im going to end up like Christiam Bale from "The Machinest". I have dropped 9lbs in two weeks...

 

 

Okay I'm a female so weight loss - yippie!!! That is the only good thing about a broken heart!

 

My first true love and I split in college - I was devastated (god, I was young and thought he was my whole world - I'm so much more of a person than I was then...) Anyway I dropped to a size 3 - I was soooo hot. I was 21 and out at the bars and men just fawned over me... You think scientist would study what's happening there - that would be the best weight loss drug ever! I ended up a size 3 in no time and no effort - I'm working my but off to just get back to what I was before I had my son.

 

Anyway - I know you have no appetitie and sometimes the mear thought of food makes you nauseous. Your stomach aches - (it wants food) and you let it becaue that's physical pain... you are actually hurting it isn't just emotional... you look forward to when your stomach aches because that puts you in control... you can keep the pain or have it back off a bit... you do this because you are having a harder time controlling the emotional pain.

 

Remember to eat when you can - and keep it light and small. Try eating a protien bar - they are not big or heavy and have a good deal of calories and are balanced. Don't go overboard and eat a big meal - you'll just throw up and be more scared to eat latter. I know - I've been there.

 

It could be worse - there are a huge number of people out there who eat when they are stressed and end up putting on 40 pounds after a break up - and it's really hard to lose that 40 pounds once it's there.

 

Just remind yourself - she isn't going to want you back if you haven't taken care of yourself. Don't let her say to her friends - boy he's let himself go.

 

You can do this!

[fr0st]

I just want to forget her.

[fr0st]

I was doing great today, I even have a date here in a few minutes. I went to the gym got a lot of errands done, had my first day of school etc. Then she called me. After what happened on friday, we both decided I need time. And here she calls me 3 days later, she told me shes going to be in my neighborhood tomorrow and that she would like to have lunch with me. I told her I had to work so i could only do breakfast. She said the traffic was to much at that time. I said ok perhaps another time. Like A dope I told her I missed her, she told me she missed me as well..... Also while we talked there were constant pauses on her part, me asking if she was still there and if there was anything else I could do for her.

 

 

Im turning gay.... At least I understand men. And next time she calls me im not going to answer I do much better when i dont speak to her. At this point she needs to decide what she wants in life.

[jellytot]

when was the last time you saw each other face to face????? how long ago?

[fr0st]

end of may.

[jellytot]

so thats a good three months.... how long is she back for?

 

im only asking because she very well may be acting odd because in fairness, she actually hasnt seen you in a while.

 

when people dont see eachother for a while and then do, feelings can suddenly come back.... Im not giving you 'false hope' here, but this may be a little different cos of the fact you two aint seen eachother for some time.

 

Best thing is to back off now. You have the advantage here, cos she aint seen you for a while, so who knows what she will feel like when she does...

 

But, but but, you need to get happy and independent, and strong, so dont see her, and act cool. When you feel you are confident, happy and one hundred percent YOU, then, get your stuff back and meet for lunch or something.

 

so dont do anything till then, till then, remain calm, she is already seeing someone else, so no rush, but it seems she kinda is interested to see you in person too (maybe to reassure herself that she doesnt love you - but who knows)

 

Make sure the next time you see her is when there has been very little contact for a while, with no relationship talk involved, and when you are at your best, mind-wise.

 

This is the best thing you can do........

[fr0st]

I agree I dont want to see her. I just want to be alone.

[jellytot]

Good!!!!

 

Be ALONE! Take however long it takes of being alone, till you feel stronger. Time by yourself is a good thing, but be careful not to fall into a depression of some sort by being alone, alone... as in, never talking to others, and just dwelling in thoughts, at home... alone.

 

we all need to be alone when were heartbroken, its weird, just DONT want to see or talk to ANYONE (in person - lol - online is fine) Just got to be careful not to let that go too overboard.

 

Once youve done your alone mourning and stuff, then start working on doing fun things, and stuff you enjoy.

 

When you are ONE hundred percent then you can think about meeting up for lunch with her or whatever.... if you WANT.

 

The funny thing is, you can be one hundred percent, as quickly as you want. You essentially choose how long it takes for you to allow yourself to be sad. Its all about positive mental attitude, and really really trying hard, to get yourself back. but its all in your own hands. you control you!

 

Hope you feel better soon, and just keep your chin up

 

xxxx

 

take care, xxx

[fr0st]

Thanks Jelly, I know she's seeing someone else in Switzerland that kind of hurts. But I suppose I just have to move on. We grew to share love for the same things, we didn't initially start like that. And I suppose who ever I meet next will grow with me as well.

[love4life]

I have to second CrapatNC's recommendation of "Bonds That Make Us Free"! I read it because it was one of the recommended readings in Brian Caniglia's get back your ex book and I am not exaggerating when I say it was life-changing! I have always been a very logical person who has never been able to find faith (though I've tried). Reading this book helped me find that. It got me in touch with a deep level of patience, understanding, and forgiveness that I didn't know I had, and helped me realize that it's okay that not everything is in my control. I've often suffered from anxiety and panic attacks the last few years, and especially in the first two weeks after the break-up. When I finished reading this book last week, for the first time in YEARS I felt completely calm, at ease and HAPPY. It will really put things in perspective for you if you read it. Just google the title and the Meridian Magazine link will come right up. Best book I've ever read!

 

Also check out "The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work". Even though you're not married, it will provide good tips for how to handle conflict in a relationship.