bf bipolar & now we're on a "break"

[baby_carrots]

my boyfriend & i recently went on a break. i believe that he has undiagnosed bipolar disorder, but no longer know how to broach it with him. i only realized that i wasn't at fault for all of his mood fluctuations when we went on a NC one-week break & had time away from the relationship to think with clarity. basically, he was pushing me away & distancing himself over the course of 2 months & had tried to break up with me several times (mind you- with love letters & the like in between) so i offered some space. a week later later i called him, & he told me that he hadn't left his bed or thought about anything, at all, in days. he has often complained of "not feeling" & not being able to give back what i give, so i thought it could be good for him to have the time to become healthy while un-pressured. however, i'm still very in love with him. i told him that i would be there as a support system, regardless. i told him we could take a month or so to casually talk & see where things were at the end of the time- that my hope was that we'd be back together. we have spoken once since, but i do ultimately want to get back together with him. now i'm afraid i've pushed him away. his moods are so unstable, i'm not sure what to think. when i asked if we were on a break or casually dating, he got very defensive & said YOU asked for this break- (although he was the one insinuating he wanted to break up with me in the first place). his moods fluctuate between "feeling nothing" to mania to irritability to depression to intensely loving to physically self-destructive (cutting, etc). he often blames me for his worse moods, something it's taken me a long time not to believe. how do i un-do this break? is there a chance? i feel like i can't act aloof like in a normal relationship to "get him back", as that will make him more defensive. what can i do? please help. thank you so, so much.

[JadedStar]

I hope I don't get a lot of flack for saying this, but I think many partners try to self diagnose their partner as bi polar when there could be any number of things going on. Sometimes it is total lack of interest in us and the pulling back, and their saying they moped around and never left the hosue and such leads us to believe, man they must be bi polar.

 

Sometimes it truly is. But I would just urge you to be careful self diagnosing him because it might not be. Are you sure he is just not checked out of this relationship and wants to move on? A person in that states actions and moodswings can really mimic bi polar.

 

I only tell you this so that you can maybe more easily move on. If he is bi polar that is still not your burden. You deserve to be happy and this guy if he is pulling away from you is not making you OR himself happy.

 

I suggest you take time to work on you, do things that make you happy and live your life. Of course encourage him to get help, but don't be a martyr. too many women fall into these situations where they put themselves on hold to help and in reality the guy 1) needs to find help for himself or 2) they didn't even have bi polar are just trying to get out of the situation.

[JadedStar]

jade, there is a huge difference between someone just checking out of the relationship and someone withbi-polar. trust me. or just ask my ex-gf - she saw the whole transformation. i think the grey area is when it has not been diagnosed. if you have concerns, get checked. bi-polar is an interesting little ailment. for me, my b-p, was triggered when i was in a depression and suffered a traumtic event and it lead me down a dangerous path - one which i would not ask anyone to tread. i consider myself extremely fortunate that i am currently with someone that has also suffered mental illnesses and thereforeeee understands the weight of these things. that being said, i do understand that no one is under any obligation to stay with someone with b-p. i have no problem staying with someone i love under any conditions - but that's my choice.

 

Of course there is a huge difference, I don't disagree with you there, but to someone who is not a therapist that is not really a diagnosis you can make, and that is why I said what I said. to the novice who is NOT a doctor, some of the symptoms of someone trying to get out of a relationship can mimic a low degree of bi polar.

 

My only goal in my post was to warn against trying to diagnose. Bi polar is one of the most mis diagnosed illnesses out there and many people who are not doctors will frequently label a person with mood swings as having this condition.

 

Bi polar is very real I only caution people who try to diagnose others as having it. That's all.

[servedcold]

The malady you are describing is borderline personality disorder, not bipolar disorder. As Jadedstar says though, layman's diagnosis is dangerous. Does it really matter though what clinical language? Can you be happy in this type of relationship? How much of your love is tangled up with wanting to save or help him? Best wishes.

[Enn]

I agree with servedcold - I've just finished a relationship like this (messed around for two years) and my counsellor said it sounded like he had BPD.

 

I adore this man, he's brilliant, talented, I fancy him - but there's something incredibly cold about him. The air of an actor about him. Relationship began with him seeing several women in the office. Put me in a horrible situation, dumped me, then came back after eight weeks saying he loved me. All right for a while, but we never got to the stage where he wanted to spend his free time with me. He'd actively do things that he really should have known hurt me and then look at me blankly - and then the minute I'd get upset about them he'd start getting angry with *me*! He really did turn me into a nervous wreck. We met at work where he is freelance - and he'd *constantly* seem to set up new 'friendships' with women that would put me in the most horrendous situations.

 

Worst thing is how it changes the way you behave - it not only makes you feel worthless, it also makes *you* start behaving like them. I've always *hated* people walking away from arguments - yet it's the *only* way I've been able to survive! So...what would happen is he'd do something that really hurt me and I'd just disappear. He'd come back and I'd hope he'd mended his ways...but the minute I came back he was abusive and 'busy' the minute he got my attention again! And SO MANY unanswered questions, so much suspicious behaviour.

 

So...two months ago, when he went out with another female friend despite the fact I'd specifically said it made me feel rubbish (wouldn't have been so bad if he'd tried to explain why he does it or reassure me - he didn't, he just did it anyway), I just said it was over. He had his usual tantrum...he was going home, and when I said 'yeah go' he wanted to stay. Hung around the streets outside my house for hours, sent me the same text 15 times 'Do you want to see me?' When I said 'No' eventually he said 'I want to die.' I rang him to make sure he was OK and he put the phone down on me...next day he rang 34 times... I didn't answer because we've gone through it so many times. He basically will say whatever it takes to get me back in his life for another ten minutes. (Like 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you' when I insisted it was over - now, if you mean that, you don't just give up do you?! It was just WORDS). The minute he's 'got' me it's back to inconsiderate behaviour again. And you know what - I still want him to come back! There's no end of excuses I won't make for him!

 

I've looked for info on BPD on the Internet and it's astonishingly like his behaviour. He had a horrible childhood and I feel extremely sorry for him...but what are we meant to do? It's us or them! Do you really want to be with someone like this? I want someone who can't believe his luck waking up with me in the morning, not a parasite I feel I have to monitor!

 

And guess what...I seem to fit the description of 'co-dependency'. Have a look for that info on the Internet. Does it look like you? Are you someone who tries to 'fix' people you get involved with, at the expense of your own sanity?

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[baby_carrots]

i want to thank everyone who replied. in response to whether or not i should be "diagnosing" him, i was not trying to do that as a justification for his behavior. unfortunately, what someone said about me trying to help him is closer to the truth. he does have a history of bipolar in his family & has suffered from depression most of his life. he has often told me how he feels "different" from other people & self-isolation has been a common theme throughout his relationships, both romantic & friendship. he has also had some definite manic moods, & once when we were casually talking about bipolar (a close friend of mine had been diagnosed) he said that he related to a lot of what i was telling him about her. the point is really that i think he needs to seek counseling for his own health. i don't want to date him if he isn't seeking to become healthy, as the relationship was/is corrosive to me. but i do care about him & i feel like i need to reach out, for whatever reason.

 

either way, we broke up a little after this i posted this, & i ultimately decided that i needed to talk to him, casually, & suggest to him to seek counseling & walk away from the situation. i called him a few days later, but he didn't reply. he then called me back at night, & left a voicemail on the verge of tears about where i was & how he hoped he would hear from me the next day. i was too emotionally exhausted to call back & decided to give myself a week or so before i felt okay enough myself to broach anything with him. i also felt like initiating a conversation like the one i had originally envisioned might be too accusatory. so i decided to wait. a few days later, i received an instant message from him asking why i was ignoring his call. i was friendly, trying not to insinuate anything serious, but he kept asking me, probably around four or five times. he started saying, "listen, you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to," & "i didn't mean to bother you." as it was an instant message, i couldn't tell if he was angry or sad or what. i tried to leave the conversation on a positive note & the next night sent him an instant message in passing, just saying, just seeing how you're doing, on my way to bed, sleep well.

 

i'm not sure what i should do, if anything. i know that there are people who will say, if he decides he wants to seek therapy, then he should do it on his own, but i can't help but want to support him in that. so, i'm a bit at a crossroads.

[baby_carrots]

i guess i should say that i would like to be with him in the future, but i think its not best for us right now. & i would like to somehow indicate that to him, but i don't know how or what or if anything i should do.