It does get better

[peaceseeker]

Hi

 

I haven't been here for a while, but I used to come to this site a lot and found the support and advice really helpful. Thank you to all those who took the time to help me. Like a lot of people here, I went through a really painful break-up, I thought that I would never recover....but I have. I always liked reading the stories of people that had gone through the tunnel of despair and come out the other side, so here's mine.

 

About five years ago I met my ex, from the moment I met him I thought he was amazing. We became great friends and after about a year and a half, we became a couple. It all worked so well and I was blissfully happy. I hadn't felt so comfortable with some-one before and really believed we would be together forever. We talked about marriage, children, where we would live, all those type of things. Never for a second did I feel that he wasn't with me, believing in us.

 

Then one day, he just walked out, packed a few bags, stepped over me crying hysterically on the stairs and left. No warning, no explanation, no nothing. I was stunned, I thought I was perceptive and I couldn't understand how could the closest person to me could be so unhappy and so desparate that the only option was to run. Where was the trust, where was the communication, where was the respect????

 

I hit the bottom and now I've been there I know how deep the hole is. All the usual things happened, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, had the uncontrollable desire to talk to him. He was the one I turned to when I needed support and I was the most unhappy I had ever been and he was the one causing it. For several weeks we talked, I cried and he looked blank. It seemed like he had shut down, the person I knew no longer inhabited the body I knew so well, it was very confusing. And there were no answers, no matter what methods I used to extract them. I got the standard "I am confused", "I thought I was ready for committment, but I am not", "I need to spend some time by myself".

 

Not long after I found out he was seeing some-one else, a girl twelve years younger. He is still with her now.

 

I cried, for six months I cried every-day, the cloud hanging over me was so dark and I couldn't see out from underneath it. I found this site, that helped, a lot. I stopped having contact with him, which seemed crazy at the time, but really helped me start to move forward instead of clinging to the past. I made a decision that I wanted to get over him and I promised myself to do everything I could to get myself there.

 

I talked about what happened and my feelings A LOT, I am sure my family and friends are happy I have passed that stage now!! I found a pyschologist and practised techniques to stop myself thinking about what had happened. I used to think about it ALL the time and it got to the stage that the rumination itself was driving me crazy.

 

I put as many reminders as I could out of sight. We had lived together and I realised I needed new surroundings, it was really inconvenient, but I moved anyway and it helped.

 

Sadly I let his family, who I loved, go. Some mutual friends also. It is hard, but in the end, sometimes contact with those close to both of you only prolongs the pain.

 

Now it's nine months and I guess it's true, time is the major healer, but I think other things can affect how much time. I just went on a fabulous holiday, it made me realise how much is happening in the world and how many people there are out there. During the break-up, my world had closed in and it was good to feel it open and expand again. I hung out with some guys, not romantically but enough to realise that all men aren't a-holes! For the first time in months I was happy just to be me.

 

There was no magic solution, but I am happy again and that's something I couldn't imagine a few months ago. I know I'm not 100% recovered, but I feel alive again and so excited about the future. It's strange, even though I wouldn't wish such an experience on anybody, I have learned and grown so much from this. I wouldn't take that back for anything, not even him.

 

So, to all those who are hurting, it does get better and when it does, you may be astounded to realise what you have gained rather than lost.

 

All the best

PS

[Coyote9]

Hey PS....good to read how well you are doing. When I first found this board in the spring, you really helped me by relating my struggles of a then fresh breakup to your own. I'm 4 months out now and I think have finally reached that place of acceptance, even though I struggle to get much of a glimpse of the future you so excitedly talk about. Thanks for being an inspiration to those here who are new and reassuring us all that, as you said so well, time is an amazing healer in all things.

Coyote

[DN]

Thanks for sharing your story - it will give hope to a lot of heart-broken people.

[just M.E.]

Thanks for this thread, I am gaining ground every day but have some bumpy roads ahead - we're starting meetings with the ex, that means all the "forgeting" is going to be challenged. Salt in the wound stuff, but I am so looking forward to being past this spot and closer to where you are. Reading your thread reminds me not to get discouraged right now.

I have to go through this to get it done. (Sigh!!)

[sandyv]

Yes thank you Peaceseeker, hope to be where you are... someday soon...

 

Thanks

 

Sandy

[Nixee]

Your story sounds so similar to mine (as many here do, actually). In fact.. even the timing is about spot on - mine was about 9 months ago. Its one of the hardest things in the world to wrap your mind around - when someone who was your rock, who loved you and was with you unconditionally (or so you were led to believe), suddenly just... changes their mind.

 

Though I'm not 100% either, time certainly has made things easier. I think after a while you have to give up trying to rationalize it and just work on accepting it.

 

Thank you for sharing your story, peaceseeker. It really does help.

[metaldog71]

Having been through something similar (haven't we all at some point?) I can relate to a lot of what you said.

 

Myself I had pretty ugly break ups, I have always been loyal but both of my last two long term gf/wife cheated on me, I worked through it two times once with each for the relationship only to fail later, not through my being unable to let it go, but through their guilt not letting them move on (both told me this same thing).

 

Next time? well next time I'm cheated on will be the end, I wont go working through that again to have yet another failiure, so I will be very upfront about that "no second chances" thing with future partners.

 

Anyway the important thing I learned from all my past break-ups is that you have to tell yourself that it's "just a phase" that you have to go through, all the self-torturing you do thinking about them with someone else, etc is just your pain expressing itself, get out, keep in contact with friends, don't hide yourself away & lick your wounds in the corner, you recover far faster by going out having fun with mates.

[Up and Down]

Thanks for sharing your story it really does show that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[rosie76]

Cheers for that - it's a lovely way to give back to the forum and will help a lot of people.

 

One thing that struck me is that I, too, felt the world opening up again after not healing for over two years after travelling. Anyone who is having trouble getting past a breakup and can travel, I'd really recommend that.

 

Another thing that struck me is you mentioning working on techniques not to ruminate on the past. I think a lot of people here would benefit from knowing some of these - if you check back, could you describe these please?

 

Thanks again, for a lovely post.