Hello-Introduction and my story

[Llon]

Hello. I am a veteran of breakups, although they have basically been with only 2 different women in my adult life. I am 42 and have been involved with the same woman for the past 16 years, although we never married. Prior to that, I was married for 5 years to a woman that I wonder what I saw in her, but that is irrelevant at this point. My girlfriend of the past 16 years has brought me intense happiness; no other person, place, or thing has come close to making me feel the joy that I feel in her presense. However, she has caused me intense grief, as no other thing or person has made me feel as low when we are in a break up situation. Because of this, I am convinced that I love her to no end. We have broken up 6 or 7 times in the 16 years, mostly with her initiating the break up. Once was due to infidelity on her part.

 

About two years ago, we broke up, and I moved out again. We had No Contact for about 5 months, then she called. Of course, I responded, because I love her, and we were able to work things out so that we spent a great deal of time together over the past year and a half. However, I never moved back in out of fear that I would be left scrambling for a place to live again, if she decided to boot me. It was a good year and half until a couple of months ago. I sensed her pulling away, as usual, and when I stayed at her house (two nights a week), she wouldn't sleep with me. I don't mean have sex, but sleep in the same bed. Also, communication from her began to dwindle, and I sensed it coming again.

 

I talked to her after a golf tournament Sunday, and just felt that it was coming to an end. I haven't called her, nor has she called me since then (5 days). I have made up my mind not to call her and know that this is the only way. I have been in this situation so many times before that it has become second nature. In fact, I can always bank on losing 30 pounds or so when we break up and haven't eaten all week. It is a repetitive cycle that presents itself everytime we break up-despair, depression, intense sadness, feeling that I will never meet another that I am happy with, and I miss her very much.

 

However, this time, I am determined not to fall into the routine of the past. It seems that I have had a head start on healing, as I always knew that it would come to an end again. In a way, I have been preparing for it, to lessen the intense mental pain that I suffer each time.

 

I have read many posts about people saying that their partner bailed during the rough times. This is her to a tee. This time, I am determined to move on with my life, but the problem is that she was my best and only real friend, so I am all alone. This is the most difficult part of all this-being totally alone and isolated.

 

My heart goes out to each one of you going through this, as I know that there is no pain that compares to losing a loved partner. It is indescribable to those that have never been through it, and they would never understand. I wish you all the best and am happy that this forum is here to guide the many broken hearted through this terrible process.

 

God Bless you all.

[jellytot]

There is nothing worse than being with someone who just pulls the plug so easily... i must admit, i have been there.

 

Lots of issues, but when i was with my ex, in the very beginning of our relationship - when i was in control - gosh he loved me and would do anything for me, but, i was not sure if i wanted to be with him, so whenever something pissed me off, id send him a text or bluntly snap, 'i think we should end this'... this killed him, dunno why i did it (ok, not lots but a few times).

 

Then i realised that i was wrong to do that, that it was hurtful, and i stopped, whilst i grew to love him... then the roles changed, i became dependant on him, and he called the shots. Then it was him. He started 'breaking up' whenever something went wrong - and it hurts.

 

Cant relax when you worry about not agreeing, or having a debate, cos hey, if they get mad, they may just end it. So you constantly walk on eggshells. This is a cycle that needs to be stopped for sanity purposes!

 

You knew it would happen again, so you are 'mentally' a little prepared, but it still SUCKS.

 

I think what youre doing is right, keep to the no contact and be strong, break this cycle. She expects you to be there whenever, so take control. Move on... enough is enough. She will either realise she needs to start dealing with issues, instead of running a mile, or, she will be happy to just move on. who knows.

 

Either way, no contact is good for now, so you can get your head sorted. Sixteen years is soooo long, and i can imagine it must feel like losing a limb all this, i cant even imagine it to be honest, i feel kuk and it was only a 3 year relationship.... (but were working on things so yes, its ok-ish) But sixteen years, is tough!

 

Just recognise that a lot of your pain, is also a combination of the vanishing companion. The change, you are so use to her! So thats one thing, on top of actual heartache.

 

Just be calm, and cool and things will go alright for you in the end. You will make plenty of new friends, the day you decide you need to look after yourself. Work at getting a positive happy self back, and then the world is your oyster.

 

Be strong, and im sure you will get to talk to a lot of cool folks here too! Keep your mind busy, and just be strong!

 

xxx

[kevyluv]

Llon, I know what you are going through and I admire your courage in dealing with the situation and wanting to move on. It must be next to impossible after 16 years to totally move on but I wish you the best of luck. May God help you through this troubling time. And remember this to will pass.

[DN]

May I ask if you are not married to her because of all the breakups or were the break-ups caused, at least in part, because you are not married?