Can anyone hear my cries?

[savery1]

First,thanks for listening. Hopefully this will help. I am 39 and my wife is 29.We have been together for 7 yrs come sept and will have our 5th wedding anniversary in march of 08. This is my first marriage and her second. Her first was a highschool romance turned into marriage, filled with emotional and physical abuse. We have a 9 yr old daughter and a 4 yr ols son( ours together). The reason i am writing today is i want out of my marriage. I will try to explain everything in the time i have with as much detail as possible.

 

We met through an aquaintance and after emailing for awhile (i was in school) i moved up to the city and into her apt/life.We dated and got pretty serious right away.Less than six months in i had asked her to marry me and couple yrs later we did.(like 2 weeks after her first divorce was finally granted). Of course by this time she was also preg with my son(7 months).So we ran off ,got married and were going to live happily ever after. Well, for the first yr or so things went good, new home, new child(my first),etc.

 

Little by little however, i felt myself becoming more and more distant.resentful,confused. Realize that we broke up twice during our dating period..honestly both times because i was unsure what and if she was who i was suppose to be with.Shortly after we got together the last time she became pregnant.Than it was a matter of doing the right thing for me..any thougts i had a leaving were smashed. I still cared and loved her and wanted to make it work. I blamed myself for my lack of interest and figured i just needed to be fixed.Fast forward 5 yrs almost to the present. Today i am living back at our house after asking for a separation and finally a divorce.You see..i finally communicated to her how i was feeling, about my anger and resentment towards the situation that put us in this marriage.I feel if it weren't for my son coming and the precious daughter i have raised i would of left awhile ago.

 

So, i moved out,asked for a separation and than as i said a divorce. I realized that my lack of desire,passion,and longing for intimacy with her probably meant things were past helping.I noticed that i would often find other woman attractive and inticing and started to want to follow through on those urges but resisted as i was still going to honor my committment to her.While separated and after teling her i wanted a divorce i did meet and get to know a woman who started as a friend and eventually led to more.

 

One day however my wife and i talked, and i let her know what i was doing. Keep in mind all this time she was guilting me with the kids as weapons(emotional well being,acting out,etc)and saying that all she wanted was to go to counseling with me. I explained to her that a counselor could not change my heart but i moved back in anyway and said we could make a go at it. Now more than ever i am miserable. My kisses have no meaning or passion behind them and most often it is a peck. We rarely make love(have the act anyway) and each day is filled with emotional ups and downs as we walk through the motions.

 

This is all about me.I am the one who has lost that lovin" feeling so to speak. I still care about her deeply and she is someone i can talk to about anything but frankly i have no desire for her in a husbandly/boyfriend/partner like way.It is all forcrd and is starting to make me unconfortable at times.Now she still has it all for me(so she says) and that's what is making it hard. I simply cannot return this kind of love back to her that she gives to me and deserves in return. I want her to be happy and i just don't feel like i can do that for her anymore based on how i feel/or don't feel in this case.

 

I lewft once and it was really hard on my daughter and it would destroy her again if i was to leave a second time. My son would also be effected. Not to mention my wife who already is suffering from some depression issues anyway. So..what to do. Do i continue to sacrifice my life, my feelings/desires,in order to make the families, the kids, and my wife happy? Ultimately i feel like this could be more damaging than leaving to the kids. we do fight but not alot. we have practically got it all out to this point.Can a counselor open/change my heart, make me love,desire,and have strong passion for my wife again? Or should i walk away? She says if i do..than i'm a quitter..that i quit on her and the kids and that drives me nuts. I don't want to be a quitter and never have been in my life.So , Am i a quitter if i leave ? Anyway..sorry for the rambling.Just in a quandry and needed an outside opinion that wasn't a friend/family. Thanks for listening.

[DN]

Moderator Note:

 

Hi Savery1, welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I paragraphed your post for you as it is very hard to read a big block of text and this way you may get more responses. Please do that yourself in future posts.

 

[Bunney]

I think that you should leave her. Not only for the childrens & wifes sake, but for your own. Don't stay in a relationship you are not happy in.

 

Why let the children grow up in a sad marriage?

[jenny_mcs]

I'm not married, but here's my two cents.

 

It seems unrealistic to expect that you are always going to feel overwhelming passion and love for your partner. Marriages and long relationships have peaks and valleys.

 

You have made a commitment, and you have a family and I think you ought to try counseling- really try. Because from the way you phrasd your post, it sounds like yoou have already made up your mind to leave.

[itsallgrand]

This is a no brainer.

 

Go see the counselor already. There's no excuse not to. Going to see someone - either alone, or with your wife (alone sounds like it may make more sense to begin with) does not mean that you have to give up your hopes, desires, life.

 

It means you are working to find a solution that works for everybody, no matter what it is, and make it as painless and smooth as possible for all involved.

It means you are seeking out other resources.

 

Why not get a hand in sorting this out? If you have already decided that the marriage is scrapped, you don't want to even try, at least go for your kids. The transition is going to be tough on them; they are going to need a dad who is there without a big load of guilt on his shoulders.

 

good luck.

[Nixee]

Firstly, wowza.. I did read all of that, but it was kind of hard at times. Try to use paragraph breaks in future posts if you wish people to read what you have to say. I understand how it feels when you are upset and just need to get it all out, but it really does help.

 

That said, I guess my question for you is do you know exactly when or why you started to lose feeling for her? I think it is important to really think about this, because so often people get out of relationships only to find they regret it a few months down the line, and a break-up, make-up cycle comes into play.

 

And a marriage is a serious commitment. If you were just dating this woman and started to feel this way, sure, I'd say "move on then". But you DID love her enough at one point to propose. You made some vows. If this might just be something you are going through personally... desire to be single again, depression, feelings for the other woman... I think you owe it to yourself, and to her, and to your kids to at least TRY some counseling. A counselor cannot make you love her if you truly don't, but if you still do, it could help reawaken and reaffirm the vows you made.

 

You say you still care about her deeply and you can talk to her about anything and that you don't argue too much... those are good things. You also say this is about YOU, not her. Well I think thats not entirely correct, because this is about both of you. If she has been loyal to you and good to you, I think you owe her this.

 

If you give it a real shot at healing and go through some therapy with your wife, and then you still don't feel any different, I think that would be the point to go ahead with the divorce. And hopefully by then she will at least be satisfied that you really did try, and you can end things amicably.

 

In the meantime... why not try to focus on your friendship with her rather than feeling horrible about the lack of romance?

[radioheader]

i would try counseling first too...at least it would help you be better at co-parenting if everything falls apart. you will always be connected to her and have to relate to her b/c of the kids...but i think you probably are done b/c you have had these feelings for some time...give the counseling a shot and then if it just isn't improving, go your separate ways...those are my thoughts...good luck!

[savery1]

Thanks all..we will see..maybe counseling. I don't want to be with her anymore, i know that. I just don't want to make it hard on the kids.Her.Myself. How do i go about that and if i do leave without counseling, what does that say about me. It just seems pointless.

[MarkD]

If you have made up your mind that you definitely do not want to be with her, I would still go to counseling to get help on how to make it easier on the whole family. If you are not happy, your kids will be affected. It sounds like a lose lose situation, but if you get counseling, and your wife sees that you gave it your 100%....it may make life easier on both of you. You never know, you might even be able to be friends down the road.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds to me like your marriage didn't really start off on the right foot...you proposed 6 months into your relationship...I guess you were about 32 at the time....did you love her so much at the time or were you just looking to find someone to get married to and she was it. The she got pregnant and you "ran off to get married" 2 weeks after her divorce was finalized. Even before you were married you were unsure. Not a good sign. It sounds like there were just a lot of hasty decisions which you only started coming to terms with after your marriage.

 

When there is a strong foundation of commitment and love before a marriage, sometimes as time goes on in the marriage, a couple can lose sight of the love and devotion and commitment that brought the two together. That is where counselling is useful...to tap into the feelings that were once there and rekindle the flame. It sounds to me that there was no real flame to your relationship...it was so full of doubts and breakups and and "oops we're pregnant I guess there is no turning back" so there is nothing to rekindle.

 

It is not a failure to end a marriage. To go to counselling at this stage is like the proverbial "beating a dead horse". It is better to move on so that both of you can find partners who are more suitable.

[crossflow]

I'd suggest you either try and get some counselling / support to help work through the issues or leave the marriage completely. It's not fair on the kids or your wife to be sitting in limbo whilst you decide what is best for you.

 

Seems pretty clear that this is not what you want, I'm not sure what exactly is the problem here though other than maybe the grass is greener some place else.

 

You can either stay and fight for what you want and try and affect change to reach some compromises or just chuck it all away and start again with someone else.

 

Don't worry about the kids, once you leave they will get use to that and will cope without you around. One thing I learnt pretty quick is how quickly kids adapt to change. It's the uncertainty that will be causing them problems.

 

If you don't feel you can make it work with or without counselling then don't keep everyone else guessing to your intent. It's not fair on them