He says he "Made the Biggest Mistake of His Life"

[Haleylyn]

*Warning* Long message*

 

I'm annoyed and frustrated and angry and sad and disgusted and suspicious and (insert every other adjective here!)... But mostly annoyed!

 

Background info: He broke up with me 3 weeks ago because his mother is opposed to our marriage because I am not Catholic. Other reasons given were that I am too career focused and that I am emotionally unstable. He said straight out that the main reason was family conflict.

 

Why couldn't the idiot have thought things out on HIS OWN prior to proposing 4 months ago and prior to breaking up with me?!!? I was willing to take a break/ see a counselor/ work together on things. He completely freaked out (cold feet and pressure from Mommy and Sis). I understand those feeling- they are perfectly natural when you are contemplating a life change. However as an ADULT you think these things through before you make that life altering change!! ie Before you propose and definitely BEFORE YOU BREAK UP!

 

That aside, I should share details of the evening. Last night he came to pick up all of his things (two truckloads full - he's been living in my house for 2 years). I phoned him that I was running late but he knew the code to get into the garage. When I pulled up- his friend was leaving with his pickup full of stuff and the ExFi waited for me. I threw my stuff - laptop bag, purse, etc. in the house and turned to face him. He tried to give me a Vermont Teddy Bear that he had given me on our first Valentines Day together. I told him that it was too painful for me to keep it (he was crying at this point in time). He ended up leaving it. He asked about a ring and some other things and I told him where to look for them (in shoebox) and then asked for electrical tools - which I wasn't aware were in my basement.

 

I invited him inside and told him to go down to the basement himself while I started dinner. After coming up, he told me that he made the biggest mistake of his life and that he 'didn't know what he was thinking', etc. He did not ask to get back together, instead he mentioned that he realized we can't get back together (I had told him in an e-mail that I was moving on with my life). He couldn't believe that he let his mom convince him to break up wtih me. I told him that although sensitive- I was a strong person, etc. Although I got teary eyed through this- I did not cry! Also- I continuously tried to change the subject to lighter topics.... Finding a mouse in my barbeque grill, going rock climbing, etc.

 

I'm the power player now!

 

I offered him dinner, he suggested that he bring me out instead (I'm really not much of a cook- he was much better). I didn't feel like crying in a restaurant! He ended up grilling the chicken. We had good conversation during dinner (I kept it very upbeat). He told me that after the Maine trip he thought we could work it out but then he was talking to a friend (who has been having a very tumultous relationship with his wife) and they got into this huge argument while he was on the phone. That supposedly changed his mind about getting married again.

 

After dinner - he asked if we could return to Maine (as friends) and do some of the stuff in the national park that we didn't get to do a couple of weekends ago. He told me that we would stay in separate rooms and just be friends. I was very non-commital about it as I'm just not sure. He also asked if he can mow my lawn for me. How good does that make me feel- this guy is practically begging me to let him mow my lawn.

 

The problem is- I definitely have major feelings for him. At this point I know I need time to focus on me and my happiness (and what I'm going to do with my career- MBA in May). But I really want to spend my life with him. I have MAJOR concerns about his ability to make rational decisions on his own - after letting his mom dictate our breakup. I also have lost a lot of trust in him and our relationship. Obviously if we did try to get back together, there would be a number of things that we would really need to work on. I would insist that he see a councelor to talk about his family-bond issues and we both would need to go to figure out how to rebuild trust.

 

Today he has sent me two e-mails (neither of which I have responded to yet). The first asking yet again about Maine and the second a job posting site. This tells me that he is interested in things that are important to me (my career) and that he is willing to follow through on the Maine plan.

 

My plan at this point is to push off deciding on the Maine trip until after my brother's wedding (two weekends) and see how I feel then. The biggest problem is that I really truly love this man and want to make a life with him. I know that there are now bigger issues (an additional one- my family now hates him!)

 

Mom is absolutely furious with me. She thinks that I made a huge mistake even talking to him and that I need to distance myself. (of course she wants to protect me and not see me hurting).

 

I am posting to the getting back together forum, because I think that I DO want to get back together. I realize that changes need to be made (by both of us). And of course- he broke my heart... I am not going to welcome him with open arms (he needs to chase me to realize my value).

 

Not sure what to do about my mom (or his manipulating mom for that matter).

 

This is a twist that I really wasn't anticipating. He's always seemed so stable in the past.

[CatsMeeoow]

I wish you the best of luck with this... it will be hard.

 

I was in a similar position many many years ago. I wasn't catholic and was treated as a second class citizen by his entire family. I mean hey - my parents raised me with very high morals and standards but since I wasn't catholic I was unworthy.

 

He didn't seem to be bothered by it and never pressured me to convert. But, actions speak louder than words and in our very serious relationship we spent a Christmas together after college he had returned home from working in another state. He would have given me a ring that Christmas but I just wasn't ready having just graduated myself and wanted to explore my career. I spent Christmas eve and day with his family and on the surface they were so sweet and nice... Christmas morning and time to go to church - I was left at their house all alone and not even invited to join them... is that the christian thing to do?????

 

I loved this guy and I think we could have been happy together but he never would have told his family off and I would have always been the family gossip.

 

I still think of him from time to time though its been nearly 14 years now. I hope he's happy but I know that I deserve better.

 

If you don't ever see yourself fitting in with his family that's a very good reason to go on with your life elsewhere. He won't leave his family.

 

Best of luck!

[DN]

I am not going to welcome him with open arms (he needs to chase me to realize my value).

Understandable but big mistake. You have already split, he was already influenced by his mother - why would making him chase you solve anything? Don't compound his mistake by making one of your own.

I'm the power player now!

Again, understandable but big mistake. A relationship should not be about who has the most power or who chases you. It put things out of balance and corrodes friendship and trust. Don't do that - it won't help you.

[cnfsdnluv]

I think you def. need to distance yourself right now. For BOTH of you! He needs to sort out his feelings and conflicts in life. It sounds like he's afraid to take the next step for various reasons - outside pressures/influences, other people's bad experiences, etc. I don't think it means he doens't love you or want it to work somehow, he just doesn't know how right now.

 

The more you keep in contact with him and see him, the more confused you will be and the less he will have to focus on confronting his fears about the future.

 

Plus, time away from you will make him realize why he wants you in his life anyway!

 

Give him time, be patient. If it's meant to be, it will be, but you cannot force it to be.

 

(wow, I should listen to my own advice sometimes...)

[Lana0120]

I agree with the other posters - it sounds like you need some space from him for a while, but well done on how you've handled things so far!

[thinkstoohard]

When you two initially broke up did you do no contact, try to talk to him, try to change his mind, etc.? What was the initial break up like? I think knowing that can give some helpful insight to all of the others on this site AND help people to better understand your situation so they can give you good advice.

[jenny_mcs]

He sounds very immature. I predict he will continue to pursue you, until you make a move towards him...at which point he will back off.

 

I don't think you should be going away with him, either. He's in panic mode right now at the thought of losing you, so he's trying to schedule future events- go to Maine, I'll come by every week to cut your grass, etc. Let him feel your absense for a while. He behaved very very badly towards you.

[servedcold]

Some logistics, it will be a long time before you will be able to think of the mother or sis without getting angry. Every time he talks to them, it will be annoying, you will wonder if they are still aligned against you.

 

Moreover, in the heat of this breakup, is it possible that if you get back with your ex that you will resent him for being such a mama's boy? Best wishes.