Am I being unreasonable?

[toribee2]

My bf hasn't had a day off in 2 weeks. I've posted about this before. Well, Sun. is his day off. So, yesterday at school, he and his friend set up a tee time to go play golf on his day off. Yeah.. I was really disappointed because I was looking forward to spending some time with him that day. I was standing there and he didn't say anything about me going. Hey, I didn't like it, but I didn't say a word about it. Nothing.

 

Cut to last night... We're sitting there having a good time, laughing and watching tv, and then he starts to talk about golf. Out of the blue he says,"I'll take you golfing another time."

 

I was highly offended. First of all because I already assumed he didn't want me to go because he didn't mention anything about it to me. I wouldn't have known at all if I didn't walk up on that conversation. I never said anything about golf, going golfing, driving the golf cart... nothing. So, I suppose that it really hurt my feelings that he felt the need to officially let me know that he didn't want me to go. I felt left out and rejected.

 

So. I got quiet. I didn't say anything, but he could tell I was mad. So then he goes, "What's wrong? You're mad because I told you you couldn't go golfing?" I said, "yes, that pissed me off because I didn't say anything about going. There was no need for you to tell me I couldn't go."

 

He said, "It's 9 holes of golf, it's not like I'll be gone all day."

I said, "I'm not mad that you are going golfing, I'm mad because you told me I couldn't go. There is a difference. What makes you think I wanted to go anyway?"

 

and then the argument escalated and he started yelling at me. I suppose I was yelling too. But, he said something that upset me and I started to cry. So he says, "You can start that crying sht if you want to, I don't care!"

 

Well... yeah. That hurt. Then he yells at me, "YOU NEED TO GET OFF THAT EFFING BIRTH CONTROL!!!!"

 

I said, "oh. it couldn't possibly be anything you said to me. It must be the estrogen?" (Not 30 min before he was talking about he wasn't scared to change diapers and stuff and that he wanted kids, but not right now... Now he's telling me to stop taking birth control. Does that make sense to any of you out there) ???

 

So... I went in the bedroom to cry because that really hurt my feelings and I felt that I wasn't communicating what I was really feeling very well, so I got frustrated with myself and I just wished that this conversation had never taken place. He left and went to Wendy's to get something to eat. He didn't say anything to me, and didn't ask if I wanted anything, he just left.

 

When he returned, he still didn't speak to me. I went in there, trying to be nice and said, "I came in here to tell you goodnight, but you were gone." I wasn't finished with what I was saying before he started yelling. I was going to say I was sorry for fighting with him and such... but no. he had to keep it going. He got mad because he thought I went to bed without saying goodnight to him, and I had gotten mad at him for doing the same thing a few weeks ago. I tried to explain that I didn't go to bed, but I didn't want to ball my eyes out in front of him. He wouldn't hear it. Then he screamed at me, "I DON'T WANT TO TALK RIGHT NOW!!!!"

 

I just went into the bedroom and cried some more. Then I heard him yell, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you where I was going!" I don't know if he was being sarcastic or sincere. I was defensive, so my perception may have been off.

 

When he came to bed, I said, "I'm sorry I made you mad." (I didn't want to fight anymore and I didn't want to go to sleep hurt and angry.) But no. He didn't apologize. He was very cold. He just said, "It's fine." And went to sleep. ](*,)

 

I think the argument started because he hurt my feelings and that makes me mad. So I acted mad. And then I felt like he was getting mad at me because I got mad. ???

 

He barely spoke to me this morning on our way to school too. He came into my classroom to get coffee and when he looked at me, I smiled, but he just looked at me with a blank face. Then he left school without speaking to me. Jeez... Did I do something that bad???

 

Now, I don't know what to say to him. I don't know how to handle this situation. I'm still broken up about it because I feel like he has no concern for my feelings at all. And, now I feel like he doesn't want me around. I didn't mean to start an argument. He asked me what was wrong... I told him. And then it began.

 

Was I being unreasonable? Should I not have gotten hurt over him just telling me, out of the blue, that I'm not welcome on his golfing trip? I just don't know what to do. I'm very sad about this.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I dont think you're being unreasonable. I also think it was stupid of him to blame your feelings on hormones (ie birthcontrol).

 

I think he's also being a jerk by not getting over this. You said sorry, and he should leave it at that. It sounds like he's got some maturity issues (i know, i was so like that...)

 

I think he wasn't necessarily being mean when he decided to go golfing with his buddies, but he should have been more thoughtful about you.

 

This sounds sexist, but guys need to unwind, and if he worked 2 weeks in a row, it sounds like he really needed to unwind badly. Golf sounds like his thing. As cruel as this might sound, spending time with women, isn't necessarily unwinding for us. Thats why we come home, read the paper, play a game, watch ESPN, w/e. We need that unwinding before we can pay attention.

 

Sorry if this post comes accross as rambling...

[Quindog]

Sounds very familiar, except I was the guy that didn't want my girlfriend to be at a concert with me.

 

For some reason I let it out that I didn't want her with me because she is hard to push through and crowd with and she always has to pee. she didn't like that!

 

I just didn't want to have to worry about her getting pushed around and I didn't want her to hold me back from getting up close.

 

I love her to death, did at the time and still do. There are somethings that guys like to do on there own with other guys. I know for me it is because I feel an obligation to take care off my girlfriend, especially when we are out with my friends.

 

I'm not excusing him, it really should have been addressed more maturely by him, I bet he just felt tied down when you brought this up. Kinda like he has no independance.

 

He should recognize how it makes you feel, apologize for the way he acted, in the future he/you should be able to talk responsibly about these issues. Also he should understand that your feelings about this mean that you care about and miss him and want to spend time with him.

 

You should try to understand where he is coming from. I'm sure there are some events that you wouldn't want him tagging along with you for.

 

hahaha you guys sound cute! working alot can cause problems too, be sweet to eachother and talk it out

 

good luck

[lonelygirl1215]

Hey everybody deserves some blow-off time. Women need to unwind too---- it's not just a male thing. His approach cvould have been better though regarding a simple 9 holes of golf. The thing that worries me is how quickly and harshlky his temper flares. What should you do? IMHO, I would keep my mouth shut and make him apologize. He should get the hint eventually. Regarding the BC pills.... when was the last time he had his hormones adjusted???? I took progesterone for 3 months a while back and admittedly it made me a wild woman. However that doesn't mean that you are one too. That's an old excuse that holds no water. Put you foot down, either in words or by actions, that you won't be spoken to that way. Nobody should put up with verbal abuse and I don't care if you are male or female. And now I will step down from my pedestal

[toribee2]

no... it didn't come accross as rambling... I understand that he wanted to hang out with his friends... I already knew he didn't want me to go because he made the plans right in front of me and didn't ask me to go.. he made no mention of me going. I figured if he wanted me to go, he would have asked. He didn't. I wasn't happy about it, but I didn't say anything.

 

The conflict came when he felt it necessary to voice the fact that I was unwelcome. "I'll take you golfing another time." When I didn't mention being upset about not being asked to go at all. And in all likelyhood, his friends won't show. They will have something else to do because that is how they are. They make plans with him and then cancel on him at last minute. His friends kinda suck.

 

I suppose I want him to apologize for being completely insensitive. I feel like he doesn't care about how I feel, and believe me... I am not a high maintenance girlfriend. I may be neurotic on this forum, but never in front of him. I'm aware that I'm neurotic, so I try to minimize it as much as possible. It hurt my feelings when he told me I can cry all I want, he doesn't care. I would like him to apologize for that, but I don't think he ever will. He thinks he did nothing wrong and he blamed it on my hormones.

 

I also am hesitant to bring it up again. I don't want to rehash the whole thing and I don't want to give him another opportunity to hurt me over the same thing twice.

 

And now, I'm all wounded and sad, so everything seems soooo much worse than it probably is. I hate that about myself.

[toribee2]

I'm not excusing him, it really should have been addressed more maturely by him, I bet he just felt tied down when you brought this up. Kinda like he has no independance.

I didn't bring it up. We were sitting there watching tv and he brought it up. I never said anything at all about it. That's why I was miffed about it. It was completely out of the blue. I wasn't planning on going anyway... I kinda felt like I was rejected before I even asked the question... Wait til I ask before you turn me down, is kinda how I feel about it.

 

If he had never made that boneheaded remark, he would have been happily going to play golf with his friends on Sun. Without have to worry about me. There would have been no issue at all if he didn't just come out and say, "I'll take you golfing another time." Like I really wanted to go in the first place. yeah. I don't play golf. I personally think it is the opposite of fun. Maybe I was just offended. I don't know. I just wish the whole confrontation had never taken place.

[RayKay]

Alright, my impression was that he knew you were kinda bummed about it (you did not say anything, but he probably gathered by your body language, etc), and so he said "we can go golfing another time" as a way to recognize you felt bummed and to extend an olive branch before you said anything.

 

And then your reaction just escalated things. I know hard to think in the moment, but something like "Yes, I am kind of disappointed to not get to spend some time together Sunday, but I am glad you are going to take some time to unwind. I would love to go next time!" probably would of been better received, ya know?

 

My partner and I both need that "downtime" to decompress; and while sometimes we can do it together, sometimes we don't. I think understanding that it is not a slight against the other goes a long way to us both feeling our freedom and individuality is encouraged; and the positive part is that it makes us more appreciative of one another. You don't want to make him feel "boneheaded" for realizing that maybe you felt a bit left out, and for trying to ease that feeling.

 

His insults were not necessary, and were definitely coming from a place of defensiveness. Let him cool down, then go and talk to him about how they made you feel, and that you were only upset as you miss him.

 

Good Luck.

[Lana0120]

I don't think you were being unreasonable about it and in fact, he was the one who started bringing in the personal insults. I would say, next time you see him, just say to him that you understand he needs to unwind (as the above posters have suggested), that you were a bit hurt, but there's always next time, and that it was a small argument where things got out of control and you'd like to draw a line under it and call a truce.

[toribee2]

He just called me. On the phone today, he is acting like nothing happened. But, I feel awkward talking to him. I don't know what to say, and everything I do say comes out all awkward and weird. I hate tension.

 

Just 2 days ago he wanted confirmation that I was still wanted to get an apt together?? I'm confused. oh... and last week, he called me and said he was going out for a drink with the guys from work. I said, "Cool. I'm going out then. Give me a call when you are done." He flipped out. "You're going OUT?!?!" Um. Yeah. So... he told me to come and get him, he wasn't going out with the guys from work. ok.

 

I suppose he only wants me around when I'm happy and picking up his crappy mood. But, when the reality sets in that I am an actual person and not a freakin' Stepford Wife, he acts like a self-righteous azz who can't be bothered to apologize for saying hurtful things. Even if he didn't mean to upset me in the first place... He should just say that. Then I wouldn't feel so alienated and distant from him. Now I feel like I have to build a wall and that is going to hurt our relationship even further.

 

I'm just at a loss. I'm trying to be pleasant, and I'm doing an ok job at faking it, but it's hard because it is really hurting my feelings that he hasn't and probably won't apologize to me for the things he said. That just sucks. I don't want to be mad at him anymore.

[ghost69]

haha, he wants you to never have fun. especially going out. sure, he can't trust all men not to hit on you or anything. but it seems like he can't trust you around other men or something. not only is it shady behavior on his part, but it is also clingy and overprotective.

[jenny_mcs]

I honestly don't get why you got upset at him for saying "we'll go golfing another time." I actually think this was a nice way of acknowledging that you might be a little disappointed that he was going golfing with his buddies, kind of his way of saying "I'll make it up to you."

 

After that, everything pretty much goes down hill. You both behaved badly & immaturely. I think you ought to just let this fight go- it will never be resolved, and it's really about nothing more than a miscommunication.

 

Instead, the 2 of you should sit down and discuss better ways to communicate and better ways to handle disagreements than shouting, running in the bedroom to cry and storming off to Wendy's. Incidents like that take a toll on a relationship- you both need to learn a better way.

[LostInMyThoughts]

After that, everything pretty much goes down hill. You both behaved badly & immaturely. I think you ought to just let this fight go- it will never be resolved, and it's really about nothing more than a miscommunication.

 

Instead, the 2 of you should sit down and discuss better ways to communicate and better ways to handle disagreements than shouting, running in the bedroom to cry and storming off to Wendy's. Incidents like that take a toll on a relationship- you both need to learn a better way.

 

I agree, and I disagree.

 

They should sit down and try to talk things out, but I do think they shouldn't just act like this fight never happened.

 

Was it a silly reason to get into a fight? Yes, however fighting for silly reasons usually means there's something deeper at play.

 

I think you might want to ask him what he meant by "We can go golfing another time." Then you can say sorry if you misunderstood what he said, and then maybe talk about some of your feelings during this.

 

It sounds like neither one of you does well in dealing with conflict. Thats okay, most couples are like that. Maybe looking into different ways you can manage conflicts might be a good thing?

[toribee2]

I honestly don't get why you got upset at him for saying "we'll go golfing another time." I actually think this was a nice way of acknowledging that you might be a little disappointed that he was going golfing with his buddies, kind of his way of saying "I'll make it up to you."

 

After that, everything pretty much goes down hill. You both behaved badly & immaturely. I think you ought to just let this fight go- it will never be resolved, and it's really about nothing more than a miscommunication.

 

Instead, the 2 of you should sit down and discuss better ways to communicate and better ways to handle disagreements than shouting, running in the bedroom to cry and storming off to Wendy's. Incidents like that take a toll on a relationship- you both need to learn a better way.

It didn't even occur to me that he was trying to acknowledge the fact that I may be upset. And, I was, just not to the point to where I was going to say anything about it. What he said just immediately insulted me. It's probably because my last relationship was a very abusive one and I am currently having to work very hard to get my self-esteem back, so I tend to take things personally that may not be meant that way.

 

I'm still conditioned to think that everything I do is bad and that I can't ever do anything right, everything is my fault, and the world would be a brighter place if I were not in it. So sayeth the ex.

 

I cry and get my feelings hurt very easily. And then, I continue to cry because I get mad at myself for being so emotional. Now I'm sad because I feel like he is going to hate me, just like the ex did. I know this is probably irrational. However, being told that you suck all the time by someone you thought loved you, has a tendency to kill your confidence and it is sooooo hard to get it back. Unfortunately, my bf is having to deal with the aftermath of this. It won't last forever though. I will get better. But, I can't tolerate meanness. It instantly breaks me down. I don't know how to stop that. I don't want him to give up on me. I'm doing the best that I can.

[toribee2]

I agree, and I disagree.

Was it a silly reason to get into a fight? Yes, however fighting for silly reasons usually means there's something deeper at play.

I think that was on my part. I was actually upset that I wasn't allowed to go and it's his first day off in two weeks and I wanted to actually spend the day with him. And... the previous day was such a good day that I think I got mostly mad at him b/c that idiodic little comment stole my bliss. I was sitting there staring at him, thinking how lucky I am to have found him, and then he spoke. Bummer.

 

I think you might want to ask him what he meant by "We can go golfing another time." Then you can say sorry if you misunderstood what he said, and then maybe talk about some of your feelings during this.

When he said, "I'll take you golfing another time." I immediately said, "What do you mean?" And he said, "Well, I told you the next time I go golfing that you could drive the golf cart and I wanted to let you know we could do that another time."

 

Then I immediately thought, "Why doesn't he want me to go??? What is up with that??? That's a first..." See, when they tell you they want you to go the next time they go, and then, suddenly, they don't want you to go, it makes ya wonder why not. What's so special about this trip that I can't go? I just don't understand. Maybe that's just my insecurity talking. I don't know.

[thedude62]

I'm the type of guy that when I love someone and had worked 2 weeks in a row,YOUR who I'd want to spend my time off with,I guess their are guys who are like that I hear about them from women like you all the time,but you never put your foot down or except the fact that he's like that and chances are will never change,are you ever his first priority? or always when he can fit you in?two people in love don't have to spend all their time together,and schould have sep friends and hobbies,but come on two weeks and he wants to golf?and you think you to need to say SORRY to him? No you did nothing wrong but to expect that someone you loved would want to spend time with you,Do what you need to do,then go out and find some guy that wants to do things with you,that adores you.K?

[toribee2]

I totally agree with this post, however, I do have to say that I see him everyday, but it's usually the grumpy, tired version of him. But, on those days we never get to do anything. We usually just get home and go to bed. I was looking forward to being able to do something with him and he crushed it. I've been looking forward to his day off for over a week. And, I'm a little hurt that he didn't even think about me when he was making plans to go golfing. The only thing he was concerned with was how to tell me that I was unwelcome. That hurts. No one likes to be left out and no one likes to be told they can't come along, especially when it is a group thing to begin with.

[WWBG]

I see a lot of possibilities here.

 

I think RayKay has something about his "I'll take you another time" was more of a "panic mode/damage control". He could see you were upset and he had hoped to put out the fire before it started. You went the exact opposite way and it escalated.

 

I can also see that after 2 weeks of work with no day off, he probably was looking forward to a day off and he was probably ALREADY tense that he had to divide that day between friends and you. He planned 9 holes of golf, not 18, and you still blew up.

 

Obviously its not like you NEVER see each other, you were around to have these arguments. If this isn't a regular occurrence, then this should be water under the bridge.

[jenny_mcs]

I think the fact that you know that you are being super-sensitive, and you know why (abusive ex) is a huge step. The next step is to try to remember this when it's actually occurring. I'm sure school & work and a stressed out boyfriend don't help.

 

The next time you feel that you are being criticized or treated unfairly, instead of immediately reacting, try to take a small step back (mentally). Take a deep breath, count to 10, whatever helps you. Good luck-

 

jenny

[RayKay]

 

 

When he said, "I'll take you golfing another time." I immediately said, "What do you mean?" And he said, "Well, I told you the next time I go golfing that you could drive the golf cart and I wanted to let you know we could do that another time."

 

Then I immediately thought, "Why doesn't he want me to go??? What is up with that??? That's a first..." See, when they tell you they want you to go the next time they go, and then, suddenly, they don't want you to go, it makes ya wonder why not. What's so special about this trip that I can't go? I just don't understand. Maybe that's just my insecurity talking. I don't know.

 

On the other hand in an earlier post you also said how golfing is "boring" and not your idea of fun anyway; so I wonder why you are so worked up about it?

 

 

Like I really wanted to go in the first place. yeah. I don't play golf. I personally think it is the opposite of fun.

Personally, if I knew you felt that way, I would not have wanted to invite you either! Not sure if you have ever played or not, but generally the idea of golf for most people I know the social aspect too.

 

Sounds like it might just be a guys hang out kinda thing, and so he did not think of time of you coming along, he just accepted the invite. If they already had a team of 4, what was he to do?

 

Honestly, I really think he was trying to recognize you might feel hurt about not going and trying to make up for it. You got angry at him for not inviting you this time (though you said above it's not like you really care to go golfing anyway) and it just escalated.

 

I also bet if he had NOT acknowledged it, you would of been upset with him anyway - even if you did not say anything, you would of shown in your actions you were ticked I think by what you have said. You already said you got quiet and he could tell you were mad - I bet if he had not said a word you would of just got angrier. The silent treatment is really a crappy way to go about things like this.

 

It was a lose-lose situation for him.

 

Be careful about forcing your partner to pay for the mistakes of partner's past.

[toribee2]

On the other hand in an earlier post you also said how golfing is "boring" and not your idea of fun anyway; so I wonder why you are so worked up about it?

It's not the golfing that I got worked up about. This had nothing to do with the sport of golf.

Personally, if I knew you felt that way, I would not have wanted to invite you either! Not sure if you have ever played or not, but generally the idea of golf for most people I know the social aspect too.

He knows I feel this way. However, driving the golfcart is fun. It makes me happy.

 

Sounds like it might just be a guys hang out kinda thing, and so he did not think of time of you coming along, he just accepted the invite. If they already had a team of 4, what was he to do?

There was no set team of 4. He invited his friend from his class, and MY chef from my class. That leaves an open spot.

Honestly, I really think he was trying to recognize you might feel hurt about not going and trying to make up for it. You got angry at him for not inviting you this time (though you said above it's not like you really care to go golfing anyway) and it just escalated.

I didn't get angry with him for not inviting me. Yeah, I was a little bummed, but not to the point of saying anything. I'll say this again... I never said anything about golf to him. Period. I didn't ask about the golfing trip whatsoever. I didn't even ask him if I could go. There was NO conversation, argument, anger, or yelling over golf. He is the one that brought it up. Before he said anything about it, all was well. I had actually forgotten about it.

 

I also bet if he had NOT acknowledged it, you would of been upset with him anyway - even if you did not say anything, you would of shown in your actions you were ticked I think by what you have said.

This would probably be correct about other scenarios. I have been guilty of clamming up and just sitting there festering over stuff, but this time, I didn't. I'm kinda proud of myself for that... hehe.

 

You already said you got quiet and he could tell you were mad - I bet if he had not said a word you would of just got angrier. The silent treatment is really a crappy way to go about things like this.

I didn't get quiet until he brought it up. I wasn't upset that he was going golfing. I was upset that he felt it necessary to tell me I couldn't go when I didn't want to go in the first place and I never said anything about it to begin with. He had no reason to think I was upset.

 

Be careful about forcing your partner to pay for the mistakes of partner's past.

I agree with this statement. I am conscious of this problem. It's very hard to just throw the past out the window. Especially when it is still so fresh. He knows that it will get better. I'm better than I was a month ago. I'm having to adjust to someone who is sane. It's quite weird to me that when I cook dinner, even if he doesn't like it, he will eat it, as opposed to throwing the plate in my face.

 

Update... He didn't go golfing on Sun. because his friends bailed on him, just like I knew they would. I don't like his friends very much. They are constantly telling me that they can't believe someone like me would be with someone like him. ?? That sucks. Maybe that was part of what was bothering me. That his friends are kind of disloyal. I think they are jealous. None of them have girlfriends. *shrug* I don't know.