He cheated with his ex last year...How do I cope after taking him back?

[Fruitfull1]

Here's some insight on the subject:

 

1st part:

Last year 2 days before mothers day, my boyfriend said he was going to NYC to a basketball game with a couple of his male friends and they were going to stay until Tuesday. Well I was NOT happy about it at all. I said to him it's mother's day weekend and not to mention I was pregnant and misscarried with our first baby the wednesday just before mothers day weekend. That friday is when he wanted to go to the basketball game in NY. Mothers day was that Sunday. ANYWHO, I was infuriated at how selfishly he was acting. He didn't even think to invite me or even give a thought about his own mom and celebrating with her atleast. I WAS HEATED! He insisted that he was going and that he couldn't get a refund for the tickets. We had an argument that friday night and he stormed out and I didn't see or hear from him until 5 DAYS LATER!!!! He pulled the old *start an argument* move so he could feel good about what he was getting ready to do to me. I called him for 5 days and he had BOTH his cell phones turned off all the while I am at home recovering from a misscarriage with our baby on Mother's day weekend. He did not even think to call me or check on me....NOTHING! I called his mom and dad and they both said he had called them while he was away. I WAS INFURIATED!!!

 

2nd part:

 

When he came back (5 days later) I FLIPPED OUT on him! I was so ANGRY! He appologized saying he was upset by our argument and needed to clear his mind from the *drama*..lol! So I tell him if he ever treats me like that again I'm leaving him for good! He knows I will so he did everything in his power to keep me. Yes we made up (me being the trusting g/f I am), I believed his whole NYC trip *story* and how he was upset by the argument...yadda yadda yadda..... So a month later, one of his closest friends knocks on the door and asks him to take him to pick up his car, so my b/f did. In a rush my b/f left the house without his cell phone(s). While my b/f was gone his phones were ringing off the hook! There were text messeges coming through and everything....from his ex! One of the messeges read "so thats how it is? U get what u want and thats it? I know you are with her (meaning me), and thats why u are ignoring me and not answering my calls!!! U are the devil and God don't like ugly! What goes around comes around!" I read the text messeges and I even answered the phones. Her and I got into a HUGE argument which consisted of me telling her he's not EVER going to leave me for her and that if he wanted to really be with her he would be living with her and not me etc...etc... I then hang up on her and she keeps calling back....I am enraged at this point. So I answer the phone again and said "Look! I am not mad at u. It's him! He's the one lying and telling u things about me and telling me things about u so why are we arguing???" She then calmed down and was amazed at my level of maturity...she's 30 and I'm 24. So we talked like women and thats when she told me EVERYTHING!!! She told me that the previous month (may) mothers day weekend he was in California with her. She told me ALL the details and I just instinctively knew she was not lying because I could feel it in my heart that she was being brutally truthful! She said she thought it was funny how he was keeping his cell phones turned off and how he slept alot and that they did have sex and that she had a dream that someone was pregnant the day after he arrived. She didn't know about my misscarriage until I told her right after she mentioned she had that dream. She said "I KNEW IT"...lol! Anyway she told me how he was saying he was tired of me and wanted to leave me and that it was over between us and that he only let me stay with him because I had no place to go....blah blah blah. So I in turn told her everything he told me about her. He said she is crazy and needs psychological help and that her mom was crazy and she inherited the trait of being schitzophrenic and he only remained friends with her because he felt bad for her and she didn't have no one but her dad. He had me feeling bad for her...lol! Anywho so he basically played me and her against eachother. By the time he came back home from taking his friend where he needed to go, I had the OW on MY cell phone so he would think I was talking to my bff. I let her hear him talking to me and proved to her that we are really together and that he has no intention on leaving me, EVER! When he came in he was like "hey baby" and talkin to me all sweet like he usually does...lol! The ex was INFURIATED! She could not believe it! She was telling me (while he was talking to me) that he is a dog and that she is through with him...lol! She appologized for not believing me about us being still being in a relationship. The ex knew about me the whole time....she turned out to be a hoe because she knew about me and reguardless of what he told her about me, he included that we were still living together and that should have sent red flags all in her face.

 

3rd part:

 

After I found out that he was not in NYC and he was in cali with her, I LEFT HIM! I left him the next day! He had no idea why! I wasn't answering his calls, he came knockin on my door and I didn't answer. He then found out why I left and that I knew what happened. He called my mom and talked to her EVERY DAY so she would call me and persuade me to talk to him. He told my mom EVERYTHING he had done to me through out our 2 yrs (at the time) relationship. I thought to myself (after I talked to my mom about it) WOW he had a death wish...lol! My mom is very protective of me, she could have killed him over that stuff. My mom is puertorican and from NYC.....she does not play when it comes to her children! She is very rough around the edges and she loves hard! I guess she felt his sincerity in how sorry he was and she listened to him explain. My mom has a gift for detecting BS. She has been right about every guy I dated. She adores him for telling the truth. I took him back because he did finally OWN UP to his mistakes. He told me the entire truth. So I said ok lets give him a second chance. I moved back in and here we are in our 3rd year together and expecting a baby girl any day now.

 

My Question:

 

How do I cope with the fact he cheated on me with his ex considering the way he did it was so brutal? How can I stop constantly feeling like he's doing something sneaky like talking to his ex on the phone and via e-mail? I don't like feeling like that majority of the time he is out with his friends he is getting or giving out phone numbers and flirting with other women. I forgive him but how can I erase the pain and memories of what I felt last year? Is once a cheater always a cheater? ](*,)

[Kalika]

You already know what a manipulative liar he is, why on earth are you expecting one of us to tell you how to forgive and forget his actions??

 

 

You must have spent a good 10, 15 minutes typing that whole paragraph about what an ahole he is, what he did, how INFURIATED you were, yada yada yada. Then the next one is, how do I forgive him..?!?

 

Easy: Don't. That would not be smart.

 

If you insist on taking the NotSmart road and still try to forgive him: Try your hardest to have faith that he won't start lying to you again. Focus on the positives, if there are any.

[Fruitfull1]

OK Why does it have to be the not smart road? Why can't it be the forgiving road? I have forgivin him, it's just the memory still lingers. Our relationship seems to be going well now. Sometimes I just have the urge to "look over my shoulder". Is once a cheater always a cheater? I personally know some people who have cheated and haven't done it again....atleast to my knowledge.

[Bunney]

He may or may not do it again. You never know. Do you want to live with that uncertainty?

 

If you do something once, it just shows you can do it over and over again.

 

Does someone who loves his girlfriend dearly and from the bottom of his heart, go behind her back like that? Betray her like that?

 

I think you know the answer.

 

If you can look past his cheating, sure, stay with him.

 

But it doesn't sound like you trust him at all. Basically trust is what a healthy relationship consists of.

 

The choice is yours, though.

[thegoodsheppard]

Forgiveness is always the right answer. However, forgiving doesn't mean you should stay with him.

 

Maybe a fresh start is the best plan. There are lots of people out there.

[shoebaby1]

wow you are so forgiving..I could never forgive someone doing that to me. I don't think he deserves you, you should leave him. I am sorry

[fmjosie]

My best friend went through this, sort of anyway..... but without the baby stuff! She's the EX girlfriend.

 

She's still going through it right now (actually I was going to post a topic about it soon) & I can tell you that she still sees him, they still do stuff together sexually, and he covers it up very well. He & her don't consider it cheating and every time his girlfriend finds out, she forgives him & takes him back..... for that reason, he keeps doing it! And has for SEVEN YEARS.

 

Not saying that this is the same as your situation, I'd just be careful. I'd also seriously consider getting a keylogger, and getting access to his phone records online (and possibly text messages) just to make sure. Usually when a guy is caught like yours was, all it does is make them better & smarter about cheating in the future.

 

How to cope? I suggest accepting him for who he is, which *may* include him being a lying pig sometimes! It will be hard, if not impossible, but if you want to stick it out with this guy for you & your baby, you might need to put up with it.

[shes2smart]

Forgiveness is always the right answer. However, forgiving doesn't mean you should stay with him.

 

Bingo!

 

There are some people who can forgive...truly forgive and rebuild trust with someone who cheated on them. I don't think that describes the majority of people, though.

 

People can change...they do it all the time. They get fed up with the way things are and they change their behavior. Same could apply to cheating behaviors.

 

However, while I do believe a cheater can reform (if s/he chooses to), I also believe that I'm not going to stick around to find out if they have really reformed or if I'm just setting myself up for round #2.

 

I forgave the guy who cheated on me...forgave him years ago...and mostly for my own peace of mind. But I decided that he didn't get a chance to do that to me again. Only way to be 100% sure he didn't was to drop-kick him out of my life. I don't regret doing that one bit.

 

When I first started suspecting my ex of cheating, I was talking to a friend of mine about it. All my friend said was, "No trust, no relationship." No matter what protestations I put up sorta/kinda defending my ex and his behavior, my friend kept very quietly repeating, "No trust, no relationship."

 

My friend was absolutely right.

[Fruitfull1]

When I left him I thought I was leaving him for good. I didn't expect for him to come after me. His cheating was a hard thing to swallow....it still is. Especially when I think about the images of the 2 of them together. It's hard and I'll admit I'm putting alot of my feelings on the line by taking him back. I just want help dealing with the paranoia / seems like issues.