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How do I get the strength to leave?


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I admit - I over react. When I'm emotional and upset, I tend to look at the worst possible situation. But lately things have just ... not added up anymore (or again).


We have broken up twice before. For pitty reasons. Usually because of the heat of the moment. Now, I think things are just... comfortable.


We are starting to have communication issues again, he refuses to compromise or see things my way (you can read about many of my posts against a certain "friend" of his and how I feel some what unappreciated) and it usually begins with his stress and this is the way he takes it out on me. By almost basically shutting me out.


Basically what started it all this time was that I haven't seen him ALL week. I missed him and wanted to hang out with him this weekend. I knew he had to be away on Sat to help his dad on the Island. And he'll be a ferry away and he will try to make it back so we can have dinner together. We were both invited to a party through his band's drummer's girlfriend. The only problem was that I was previously in the band and the guitarist, Brad, was also invited. He doesn't know we're dating (it's a long story but it wouldn't have boiled over if he found out when we started to date) and my bf doesn't feel it's the right time to tell him because he is really wanting to get this project back on it's feet (it's been a real slumpy time for them). I understand that, but I was really upset that I had the spend the one day I see him... basically playing a ROLE of not being his gf just because of ONE person. Everyone else knows that we're together.


So of course we have an argument and we've been pretty quiet to each other today. So then we hung out today for a bit... and I for some reason distant myself... I went into thinking mode and he said he was sorry for acting crazy last night... and that we were both just really stressed.


So that was fine. So, we share computers (on another thread it shows how I saw caught him corresponding with this female friend whom I DO NOT like one bit because she is trying to cross the line) and I was on it today. And I see an email to her saying "Hey, I'll be on the island on Sat. Do you have some time?" - She lives on the Island and usually I didn't have a threat. He would tell me how he wouldn't care if he saw her again, they were just friends in middle school then he moved. Yet, he is initiating a meeting with her? So of course (I did something wrong) and got a little noisy and when he went into the shower. I looked at his phone. Bad. I know. I know that he hides things from me because he feels I will just get mad. If I was a little less protective, he may come out with the truth... but he had deleted all of his text messages (which he NEVER does). So, I'm left feeling suspicious. Of course I haven't talked to him about it yet...


When we had already discussed previously that I do not feel comfortable with their friendship and he told me that he would draw the line. I didn't bring it up but we went for a walk. He brought up the fact that some guy from my university class tried to ask me out to dinner and he wanted me to tell him to back off. I asked him if he told Jasmine to back off and he said no.


I feel right now that it's like "have your cake and eat it to". I'm trying my best to be a better gf, but he's just... not trying anymore. I admit, his life isn't the easiest at the moment. His dad had a stroke earlier this year, his mom has a bad case of diabetes, his career is going downhill, and nothing is just going right. But it's like the song Jaheim: Put that woman first. He's forgetting to be my lover too...


I've been thinking about it for the last couple of weeks and feel that I should break it off. But when I see him face to face, everything just melts away because he can be a really good boyfriend... WHEN he's there. I just know that if I break it off this time... It's done for good. I just don't want to regret anything...


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Well it's been a night and I was able to think about it while I tried to sleep. I'm surprisingly kind of calm... And I know that a part of me feels at fault because if I didn't always be so paranoid he would've told me that, yeah, maybe he just wants to catch up with Jasmine and just go for some innocent coffee. I know he would never be the one to cheat, but to me... I feel like i'm emotionally cheated because he had told me things to make me feel better but went around and continued his friendship.

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