If you love someone you set them free right? When they start come back - what then!

[Jen35]

Apparently I am the only one on at this time - go figure... I am new to this - but I need some advice. I read over the comments in this section - and feel like this is the place to get it.

 

I have been dating the same person for the past two years. Around 6 months ago - things started going a little sour. I have known the person I have been seeing since I was a kid. I dated him in high school. So - up until 6 months ago things were great. Then I got the feeling he was backing off.

 

We are still seeing each other now - but not like before. I still get the impression that he wants to be with me - he calls and tells me he loves me/blah blah blah - but on the other hand - I have gotten to the point where I want more than this! I love him dearly - and I don't want to be with anyone else - he says that I am impatient - we both are divorced - so I understand the need to be sure - but I feel like I don't want to play games either!

 

I told him just recently that he gives me the impression that he can take me or leave me - I told him that I value our relationship - but I don't feel like he really values me! I have always made it so easy. I am an open book - and he knows how much I love him. I get the sense he thinks I am not going anywhere - and for the most part I am not! He's absolutely right about that - but that gives him an upper hand - it's almost like it's on his time table - not ours!

 

I might be wrong - but I decided to take back what I have given to him - and that is me. Why should he feel so secure within the relatioship - when I feel the way I do. I wanted to see if it would matter to him if I didn't call. I wanted to see if it made any bit of difference. Since then I haven't called him - and it has been difficult. We generally spoke throughout the day - everyday - so this has been difficult. However, to my surprise he has been calling me. For the most part, I am not quick to answer. Sometimes I don't answer at all. I want to - but I feel like he needs to feel what it is like without me. I honestly think he has taken my presense in his life for granted!

I don't want to ignore him altogether - but I still want to get my point accross to him. Any suggestions!?? Am I going about this the right way?

Should I just stop answering his calls for awhile - or is that taking it a bit too far? What happens when he wants to go out and do something - should I say I have plans? If anyone has any betters suggestions as to go about this - I would appreciate that too!

 

I really do love him -

[JeckyllNHyde]

Hey Jen,

 

Btw there are about 111 members online at the moment.

 

As per your question, I think you are going about the situation the right way. But I don't fully understand what you want from him exactly. Is it to get married? To be in a long-term relationship? Something else?

 

I don't think you should completely ignore his phone calls, just don't be available ALL the time. And when he wants to go out, go out with your friends instead of doing everything on his time, or better yet go out and do things for yourself (e.g. work-out, shopping, doing errands, etc). Just be busy.

The key is to showing him you can have a fun life on your own and be happy with or without him. That will make you even more attractive to him off course.

 

Going back to your old self right away will just make him go back to his old self. You weren't around so he finally got the chance to start missing you.

[Jen35]

Hi

Thanks for your advice.

 

As for what I really want - I want a commitment - I want to move towards marriage in the future. I want to feel valued and respected within the relatiohsip. I don't want to feel like I am giving 70% to my partners 30%.

 

My problem has been that I am pretty much an open book. I am honest. If I love someone - I show it! I don't like to play games - and here I am playing them. Why do some people find this sort of thing easy? And why is it that I am the same person I have always been - but in order to get someone to realize how much they really care about you - you have to pull back? Do you understand?

[JeckyllNHyde]

Yes, completely. I used to think that too. I try and explain this push-pull thing to a male friend of mine who has dating problems, and he too tells me I'm just an honest person and I can't bring myself to play games".

I too am pretty much an open book, but during my years of dating experiences, I have come to realize that there is such a thing as being too honest. There are just some situations where you need to just control yourself in order not to push someone away. Once you establish this is just the way human nature is, it gets easier. I feel being in the other persons situation (the one who is being pushed away) that I understood the whole "game" more.

 

It just the simple fact that when you aren't always around, he gets the chance to miss you.

 

And I also agree, with you wanting respect etc. I once read in one of the threads, in a relationship both people need to be giving 60% of themself. But you obviously feel you are giving more, and this is also the case probably or else it wouldn't make you feel that way.

 

Also, maybe 2 years is too soon for someone who has been divorced to think of marriage. I'm just guessing here, can't speak from experience.

[Jen35]

You are right about 2 years being too soon to get married. I am hoping that through this - he will appreciate me - as I appreciate him. Instead of pulling back - I want him to move forward - even if that means slowly! I'm game - I just don't feel comfortable with the pull back because I do love him - and I feel like I deserve more.

[undeniyable]

I know exactly how you feel... I felt resentful towards my bf at one point, because I saw that he was very secure in our relationship, yet I felt very insecure. I interpreted this as him thinking he has nothing to worry about as far as me cheating, leaving, etc. So that kind of mad me feel like crap...So I did the same thing you are doing right now, however we live together so it was a little more difficult to ignore him completely.

 

When I did this--I didn't respond to his presense while in the same room, I acted as though I could careless about what we did for fun, I gave him very short response to questions, and made no effort to hold a conversation with him. While doing all of this, I actually paid more attention to myself (got my hair done, primped in the mirror more than I usually did--subconsciously trying to show him that he should worry)...After doing this for a couple days, he finally started to ask what was wrong? So, I finally gave in and told him what I was up too..He got a little upset, because he told me that I should feel comfortable in knowing that he trusts me, and got upset at me because I didn't trust him....

 

If I were you, I would call him and tell him the truth....Keep the communication going, because most relationships fail without it....

 

Do what's in your heart about girly....=)