Really Need Advice: Think we've got a shot of getting back together?

[Jake007]

I apologize in advance for how long this post is, but if you could take a couple minutes to read it and let me know what you think, I'd really appreciate the input. I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure this out on my own, and my friends' advice to just get wasted all the time and hook up with the first cute girl I meet isn't really all that helpful haha. I read some pretty good advice on this forum today and thought the people here could give me some on my situation. Thanks for your time.

 

My girlfriend of about 3 years and I broke up a couple weeks ago. The reason she gave for it is that she thinks "the relationship just ran its course" and that she just doesn't feel that romantic kind of attraction to me anymore.

 

Before I go anymore into it, I'll just give some quick background information to explain the situation a little better. Like I said earlier, we started dating just about 3 years ago, which is when I met her. We were both working at the same place the summer before my freshman year at college, and a mutual friend introduced us because we were both from the same town and we were both going to the same college, just that she was going to be a junior and I was going to be a freshman. From when first met, we both had big crushes on each other, like there was a lot of physical attraction there for both of us. When we started hanging out, we instantly hit it off - we had the same sense humor, the same values, even the same goals and ambitions. I don't know if I necessarily believe in soul mates, but if they do exist, I think that's what we are for each other. Within just a few months, she was already talking about how she wanted to marry me. That would probably scare the hell out of most 18 year old male college freshmen, but to me, it was the best thought in the world. And in the following years, that feeling only grew for both of us. We had two years at school together where we saw each other everyday before she graduated last year and went to grad school about an hour and a half away. The distance was hard, but we handled it fine; we saw each other basically every weekend, and we talked on the phone every night and online during the day, and our feelings for each other didn't suffer from the separation.

 

When she broke up with me a couple weeks ago, at the end of July, she said the attraction she had to me had faded in May, and that she had tried for the next month and a half to get past it, but she just couldn't. She said she still thought I was a really good-looking guy (not to come accross like I'm patting myself on the back here, but just to kind of show how it was, she'd been trying to convince me to try modeling since I met her, and when our relationship went long distance, she used to get worried that I was too good-looking for her and I'd find somebody else - which is completely untrue, but that's another story) and that I hadn't done anything wrong to cause the break up. She ended up phrasing it that she could spend every moment of the rest of her life with me, but if she never kissed me again, she'd be ok with it.

 

We didn't really talk for the next like two weeks, but I sent her some text messages asking her to visit me for a day, and eventually I convinced her to give it a try. She came up and saw me at my house at school (about an hour and a half away from our hometown, where she's spending the summer) on Saturday. When she got here, it was pretty clear that she didn't want to come and the she was kind of annoyed that I had asked her so many times to try spending a day with me to see what happened. We ended up going to get something to eat for lunch, and on the way to the restaurant we broke the ice and we started talking and laughing almost like we weren't broken up. When we got back to my house I had a stuffed animal I had bought for her before the break up and some flowers waiting for her (she loved the stuffed animal and the flowers), and we started talking about how we each have been since the break up, like songs on the radio that we can't listen to anymore, stuff like that. I told her how hard it's been on me because it seemed so out of the blue and completely unexpected, and even though she's not at all the type of girl to wear her heart on her sleeve, she started crying and said she thinks it's been harder on her because she's never loved anybody more than me and knows that she'll never find somebody who'll treat her better than I did, and that she wishes so bad she could get the feeling back, but that she just has nothing left. I also asked her if there was another guy, and she said no, and I made her swear on it, and she promised that I didn't have anything to worry about. A little while later she had to leave, and as she was getting ready to get in her car she gave me the biggest hug she's given me in a long time, and just wouldn't let me go. She went to get into her car again, but turned around and gave me another hug as long as the first one, and then gave me a kiss on the forehead and left.

 

When she got home she called me to let me know she got back safe and then asked me how I was doing. I told her I was hanging in there, and she told me she cried the whole way home. I then told her that I was still hanging on to the hope that some time down the road we could get back together and she said, "Yeah, I am too."

 

That night I was leaving a bar with my buddies when I got another phone call from her. I asked her if she was alright, because before that day she avoided any calls I made to her and ignored all my text messages, and she said she was fine, and that she just wanted to talk to me. I ended up talking to her for almost two hours, and we talked about getting back together. We talked about things like how since I'm not living on campus anymore, we could spend the days leading up to Christmas together and get a Christmas tree in my house and have a Christmas together (she seemed to really like that idea). I told her how I thought that as long as we both want to get back together, we can make it work. She agreed and we went to bed.

 

The next morning she IMed me and told me she had her first good night sleep since the break up because she finally feels ok about it, like we did it for a reason. She said she thinks it's going to work out like The Notebook, that we'll spend some time apart and then get back together and be as good as ever. We decided that we needed to avoid talking to each other though, so that we didn't start just feeling like friends. She then showed me some pictures from a bar she went to the weekend before when she went to visit one of her friends. When I told her how beautiful she looked in all the pictures she told me that I always was the sweetest guy she knew and that I always knew how to make her smile. I also asked her if she had told any of her friends yet about us trying to get back together, just because I was curious about what they would've thought. She said she hadn't because she doesn't like talking about her emotions and stuff (which is true, I really was the only one she ever really talked to about her feelings and fears and stuff). After that, I kept trying to get going to live up to our plan to avoid talking to each other too much, but she didn't want to let me leave. It was really weird, it was almost like we were dating again, but it made me feel a million times better about where we were.

 

The next day, by sheer dumb luck, I ran into Amber (my girlfriend)'s friend Kait that she had visited the weekend before. We were talking and I found out that when they were out that night I saw the pictures from, Amber ended up getting pretty drunk and hooking up with one Kait's guy friends, and that they went back to his house and she spent the next night with him too. I asked her if Amber had mentioned anything about our visit on Saturday, and she said that she had said, "it was ok, I told him I still don't have feelings for him, and he had this plan to not talk too much so that we won't become just friends in the hopes I'll get my feelings back. I doubt it will work, but you never know what can happen."

 

And that's where my big confusion comes in. She seemed 100% positive that we could get back together when I talked to her after visit, both on the phone that night and online the next day. A big part of me thinks the pessimism she expressed to Kait was just to avoid needing to talk about her sappy/mushy emotions like she hates to do, but I'm not sure if she's just trying to say nice things to me to make me feel less depressed in the hopes that it will help me move on and get over her. The thing about that that just doesn't make sense though is why she would tell me she cried the whole way home from visiting me if she wasn't serious about still loving me, or why she would go out of her way to call me that night and talk to me about how bad she wanted to get back together with me if she doesn't really want that. (As for this other guy she has a crush on and hooked up with, it sounds like he's completely uninterested in a relationship, and I guess Amber hasn't talked to him since she left his house after their weekend together, so it doesn't seem like he's that big of a threat. I also put a lot of stock in her promise that I don't have any guys to be worried about, but I can't really be sure. But I absolutely hate thinking about her sleeping with another dude so I've been trying to block myself from thinking about him.)

 

So I guess I'm looking for two pieces of advice, or I guess input. 1. Do you think she's serious about wanting to get back together with me so bad, or do you think she's just trying to make me feel better? And 2. Assuming she is serious about really wanting me back, do you think the loss of sexual attraction like that is something that space and time apart can fix if both people still really want to date each other?

[Hyru]

Hey Jake007,

 

heck of a read you made me do there bud

 

Anyhow,

my first questions to you is... even if she came back now and said "okay, i want eveything be back the way it was"... can you truly say everything will be fine? Keep in mind the whole issue of her sleeping with another guy.

 

In regards to her feelings and her comments about crying the whole way home... My guess is as good as yours, but I feel that shes telling the truth. It doesnt seem like a secret that she really does care for you... However, it seems like this girl is a bit confused about her current situation in life.

 

Perhaps going and meeting/sleeping with this guy was her way of proving to herself that shes somehow getting over you. The whole convo about your guys getting back together in the future may or may not be true... no one really knows except her... but I see no reason to lie about that (unless shes a completely selfish individual who wants to have her fun while she can and have you as a backup when she needs you).

 

My advise to you is for you to seriously think of your current situation and decide if shes someone you can be with. Shes lied to you, sept with another guy and has pretty much told you she wants to move on for the time being (and maybe keep you as a backup).

 

Amigo, I know it seems like shes the only girl in the world for you at times. But theres other girls out there.... Ones that will love you as much as you love them. Look yourself in the mirror and decide what it is you want for your future.

[Rochelle]

Well a few things have to be considered here....

 

1. Crying all the way home is normal, afterall, you were a big part of her life, first love and all...only one she opened up to emotionally, she's really trusted you, etc...crying is a normal reaction for someone that thinks fondly on these things and genuinely wished they still had those feelings as they'd had before...it doesn't necessarily mean they want to get back together...

 

2. Calling you quite a bit is a good sign, I"m sure she misses you...however, u must also consider that it was emotional for her to see you and fresh...she knows you have treated her great but again, she is driving home that she doesn't have those feelings...it could just be hard for her to let go completely...

 

3. If you don't let go, if you don't make a stand, i fear she will string you along as she is out there exploring other opportunities so she can come back (maybe, big maybe so don't get hopeful here) if she finds the grass isn't greener....as guys treat her badly, she'll think fondly about how you treated her so well...BUT...I caution you, don't let your emotional neediness to have her at any cost get in your way of what you deserve and that is NOT getting someone back by default...remember, you have to have some pride here...if she knows you are just sitting around waiting for her to "grow" her feelings back for you, she could take advantage of that...just becuase you believe she is a great person that it's beyond her, even sub-consciously, to not use that to her benefit.

 

4.Don't act so desperate, be strong, let her know you are sad she feels the way she does, but you can't make her want to feel those feelings for you again and whatever happens happens, but in the meantime you must move on w/ your life...people can't miss what never left them...she should have to feel like you, this safety net, isn't going to be there for her always...what is she decides she's just never going to come back and you've been hopeful all this time and didn't heal yourself...? You have to think about your own life and being strong, for if it should go this way, you're in a better place and able to handle it.

 

So i'm not trying to be a downer here but a realist. You need that right now becuase you are emotionally wound up in her and you're going to be wearing blinder's to her faults. Even if she's calling and calling, and even if it's hard to resist, be busy, in the middle of something...dont' pick up ever call...you need to seem you have your own life going on, and i just feel personally its' best to lay it out there that you just need to let her go and heal yourself, wish her luck, but you really don't want to be in contact right now...the thought of this may freak you out and just be too much for you to do, it's just a suggestion of course. But people are more attractive when it seems you may lose the only one that ever loved you and cared for you.

 

Good luck...

[Jen35]

I have to agree with the last two replys to your post. You need to put yourself first. Moreover, if you make yourself available all of the time - she doesn't know how it feels to not have you in her life! It seems to me that she does care about you! However, you have become more or less a back up plan - just incase things don't work out with who ever else. That probably sounds harsh - I hope you forgive me! Perhaps she has lost feelings for you because she knows you aren't going anywhere! If you make yourself unavailable - or begin dating other people - she will undoubtedly realize what she stands to lose!

 

One more thing - her being evasive about you with her friend is something to consider - as well as her sleep over with another guy! She could have easily not said anything at all to her friend - because she is so private - however, she didn't choose that route. She chose to say you two seen each other - and she doesn't think it's going to work. She made it sound like she is being sought out by you - and she doesn't have high expectations. Why did she do that? Is she easily influenced by her friends? Just something to think about?

[soulseeker86]

Ok so.. hmm.. if she really hooked up with another guy, she's probably feeling really guilty right now cause she loves you but at the same time she seems confused with what she wants right now.

 

I was kind of in her position before when i was going out with my ex. We went out for 3 years. I loved him... but I fell out of love with him. But our relationship wasnt as passionate as how urs sounds. Anyways, I ended up cheating on him.. it was very unexpected for me to do that but it happened. And then i felt extremely guilty.. i cried cause I couldnt believe what I did.. especially cause my ex really loved me and would have done nething for me. Till this day I sometimes cry cause I know I hurt him so much. But I had to let him go because i loved him and would hurt him even more by staying with him. I just wasnt in love with him anymore. Sometimes you can love someone but not be in love with them cause ur feelings are not the same as u use to be. I think ur girlfriend is just really confused with what she wants in her life.. I know how that goes. But give her some time.. she knows that ur always gonna be there waiting for her so like what the others said, show her how it feels not have you around anymore and maybe she will realize what she is missing.

[Jake007]

Thanks a lot for the responses, I feel a lot better about the whole thing already. I really agree with what you all have said about just completely distancing myself from her and see where things go from there. It's kind of perfect timing for cutting off contact too, because she's moving into school today, and as a grad student, she only knows the 7 other people in her program, and they don't really hang out that much. I think she's going to end up with a lot of time alone with nothing else to do but think about things, and I think that will help speed up the process of her missing me in her life. So we'll see how things go. Thanks again for your responses.