Ughhh... I contacted him... happy or sad???

[CatsMeeoow]

So I haven't been able to do the NC thing. Not sure why because in retrospect it would have been the best way to get him back. Now I feel that since 6 months have gone by it just may be too late for NC to work.

 

We text... We talk on the phone... I have done awesome at keeping it real light lately. So I just suggested/text he call because I had something to ask of him... I thought for sure my phene would never ring...

 

Okay so I bought fell of my chair when it did!!!!

 

Okay so I'm trying to keep my cool... I'm thinking don't blow this...

 

So we had small talk... nice... then as I was winding the conversation down I said - "oh, I have a really big favor to ask of you" and he was like "what" so I went out on a limb and said "I need you to pencil me in on Sat the 29th".

 

He was like "not sure if I have my kids that weekend" and I was like "no I already did they math they're with your ex that weekend" and then he was real quiet - he couldn't come up with another excuse so then he said "well okay" very very quietly. I told him I had to be vague at this point in time but that he should trust me so I hoping his quiet reaction is just cause he doesn't know what he's getting into.

 

I know how uncomfortable he is with spending time alone with me right now. He admits he's attracted to me. I know he doesn't want to lead me on or do something that means more to me than to him. So while he's put up all these walls and won't let me in he's trying hard not to hurt me to.

 

Should I feel guilty for asking? I know he would have a much harder time telling me no if I asked directly on the phone - I think he would have post poned answering and possibly said no if I asked in an email or text.

 

The general consensus when I posted here earlier is that I shouldn't buy him these concert tickets for his birthday - but I did... and now he's commited to do something on the 29th (date of the concert)...

 

I know just because he talked to me on the phone and agreed to do me a favor it means nothing. It made me feel happy but he's probably feeling a bit anxious over it... I hoping I just upped my mystery factor though by being vague about the favor. This does not mean we are getting back together. My goal with the concert is to invite some of his friends and just to have a good time - no pressure, no talk about relationships - I am creating a positive moment between us so that when he does reflect about me he will remember this moment and it was a good one.

 

Am I way off base????

 

T

[melrich]

Am I way off base????

 

My gut says you are. It's very uncomfortable, two people together, one wanting love and affection, the other wanting to be someplace else.

 

I hope it works out Ok for you.

[Rochelle]

Oh, this is tough....it's hard, hard, hard!!!

 

I attempted to do these nice "things" for my ex-husband years ago when we split and he was about as uncomfortable at accepting my well-meaning intentions as yours seemed.

 

In their defense, looking back now, i realize, although they are still attracted (as mine was as well) it's still awkward and confusing. Mine didn't want to do things that felt like we were in a "relationship" and i can remember being very hurt by this. Now if i offered to have no strings attached sex, well now, that was a different story, lol.

 

Only when i let him totally go, had moved on, NC and all, did he then reach out to me to offer up something more...whether a frienship initially and then turn into something else, i don't know? I never gave him the chance. But i could tell in his attempts to get me, he'd missed me and at this point, did genuinely want to know how i was and my intuition told me, since enough time had passed, i think he would have treated me alot better this time around.

 

But i'd already finally moved on....i never reciprocated his attempts.

 

This could backfire, but i'm hopeful for you...i only say backfire becuase my well-meaning intentions did (and to be honest, i really was plotting to get him back at the time).

 

If he continues to squirm, you might need to give him an out on this....you won't enjoy yourself if it's obvious to you, he's not enjoying himself. And go back to NC and heal yourself.

 

Its the only way it helped me in the end.

[CatsMeeoow]

Hmmm.... thanks... I hope it goes well for me too... I want him to wonder about what he's getting into and not be anxious... the anxious part bothers me.

 

I'm 98.99% certain that I'm just looking for a good time. This is just about fun.

 

We won't get back together until he wants its.

 

I've been going on with my life - I have been dating and meeting new people. I laugh because my ex is struggling both in his career and financial aspects right now (this is temporary... he's a hard worker who just hit a rough patch after he was downsized) but all these other men I've been going out with are well off and quite successful and have a lot to show for it. I mean if I was looking to be taken care of I'd already be with someone else. Like I told my ex 6 months ago - I don't care if all we had was dollar between us because what we have is more than money can buy. But, men have their pride and he's trying to live down his ex-inlaws saying he'll never make it without them (he worked in family business.) He's spent the last two years trying to show them they are wrong rather than listening to his heart and realize who cares about ex-inlaws or anyone else for that matter.

 

I want to smile and laugh with him - I honestly don't care that at the end of the night he'll gone home and not even so much as hold my hand or kiss me. I'm okay with that.

 

T

[Rochelle]

Well, hey girl you're in a good place then...i hope it goes well for you, i really do!

[majord23]

I've been going on with my life - I have been dating and meeting new people.

 

Which, if I'm not mistaken, you have just put on hold until the 29th of September.

I'm not trying to be harsh here, but what has asking him to meet up done for YOU?

 

Your life is now on hold...and your anxiety will build the closer it gets to the 29th. Then you might see him...and then what?

 

What will have happened to your progress?

 

If you are after (and can deal with) friendship, then I think that you've done the right thing....if you are after reconcilation or want to get on with your life, then I don't see how what you've done is going to help you.

 

Apologies again if this sounds pessimistic....just calling it as I see it.

[CatsMeeoow]

It's weird but I feel like I'm more ready to go on with my life.

 

Yes - Sept 29 is out there.

 

My ex trusted me enough to agree to do something he has no idea what it is. He's trusting me to respect boundries he says he wants right now. I can do that. I feel empowered having his trust.

 

I can let go better - after a couple of days I just needed to talk to him. Now I don't feel that pressure. I feel the ball is more in my court now. I can easily go a week without talking - hey he may actually call me now!!!

 

I'm still talking and doing things with new guys in my life. Granted I'm not into a serious relationship but I'm getting out there. I'm staying busy. While he may be open to dating I'm fairly certain he is not.

 

I'm more relaxed now than I have been in weeks.

 

Being relaxed is good - I'm less likely to do something stupid out of desperation. Being relaxed gets me control back.

 

And to boot - I'm totatlly pysched about having a great time with him whether it means nothing or not to either one of us.

 

T

[majord23]

 

I'm more relaxed now than I have been in weeks.

 

Being relaxed is good - I'm less likely to do something stupid out of desperation. Being relaxed gets me control back.

 

And to boot - I'm totatlly pysched about having a great time with him whether it means nothing or not to either one of us.

 

T

 

You are relaxed because you are seeing him on the 29th....not because you are moving on. Your anxiety related to your situation was because you didn't know when (or even if) you would see him again. Now that you have 'plans' with him, your anxiety related to the 'unknown' has dissipated somewhat.

 

Expect it to return after the 29th.

 

Again, not trying to offend...just trying to keep you grounded.

[CatsMeeoow]

majord23

 

Well there probably is a great deal of truth in that -

 

I guess I'm thinking that if I come home at the end of the day and I'm not all anxious and I'm in control and I don't call and I can do this I'll be training my body, mind and spirit that it can be done and the world did not end. Being relaxed with help me stay true to the new things I'm putting forth in my life and realizing that way before we broke up my actions said "needy - needy - needy" because I wasn't communicating like I should. Looking back I know if I just said what I needed rather than hoping he'd figure it out when the relationship was good he would have honestly accomadated me. He's not free and clear of all the blame but I am accepting my responsibility. It's up to him to see that things could be different. He said in the beginning to all his friends that "I just get him" but when we broke up he said "we weren't a good match". He didn't like my behavior - I should have communicated better but by the time I did he already made his decision. If our relationship is to return he has to desire it - not just me. I cannot make him or manipulate him to so. All I can do is be responsible for my behavior.

 

I have over a month before I see him. On the 29th of next month I will see him for the first time in 10 weeks. It will be only the second time that I've seen him in 4 months. That's a pretty good break.

 

And, I've really been questioning my desires for this relationship. I think I want it but the 29th will also help me to see that is it this guy that I really want or just the desire to have what we had.

 

In the past I have asked him to talk about us but I haven't all summer. I certainly don't want the 29th about that either. If we ever talk about our relationship it will be because he brought it up. I guess this is my way of letting go - I declared my love to him last May. He knows how I feel. I don't have to keep telling him, but I can build positive experiences and he can see different behaviors. I won't be happy in a relationship with him unless he truly desires me again. If I force it on him I'll end up hating it as much as he does. He can't possibly be happy with me until he finds a way to be happy with himself in his current life - I catch glimpses of that. You can tell in his email, text, and voice when he's in a real happy moment - it spills over to me!

 

Thanks for trying to keep me grounded... but isn't life and love about risk??? He took a big risk looking me up after 19yrs. In a way he rescued me - I'd just given up on dating all together - didn't need a man and was fulfilled with just myself and my kid. He opened my heart. He's struggling with personal problems - I'm willing to take a risk and rescue him right back.

 

Time will tell.

 

T

[CrapAtNC]

I'm the same. I'm really happy my ex is coming to work for me, and I feel it's actually helping me to move on.

 

But then I read Majord's posts, and now I'm not so sure ...

[capgirl]

That might be a good strategy to get you through to the 29th but when the time comes I think you should cancel. Tell him "plans changed" and pick another time. This might get him curious and also confused that now you don't want to see him. I really don't think taking him to a concert is a great idea.

[JUSTBLUE]

That might be a good strategy to get you through to the 29th but when the time comes I think you should cancel. Tell him "plans changed" and pick another time. This might get him curious and also confused that now you don't want to see him. I really don't think taking him to a concert is a great idea.

 

Hey..

 

Im going to go with ths too.

I think u should cancel.

 

From his reaction to meeting up he didnt seem too enthusiastic.

 

If he was to turn around last minute on that day and say "im sorry but i cant make it.." how would that make u feel..honestly?

 

Sometimes after sometime (weeks)apart.

We do feel better, we feel almost healed and convince ourselves we are healed..ive done this before, felt strong enough to be friends..YET..it plays out that in the end that "wow, im not ready.

 

Still, u are not me!

If u do go and are happy to maybe u will also put urself to the test on wether u DO STILL have romantic feelings for him.

 

goodluck to u let us know how it goes x