Jump to content

How much personal space should we have in marriage ?? Any thoughts??

Recommended Posts

How much time should couples spend time together, and how much should they spend apart ??

Married almost two years. Used to spend all my spare time with my husband together. ( even though occasionally felt the need of being alone but still enjoyed most of the time together ). A recent rock on our marriage boat make me rethink and wonder about the ideal marriage life ?? I wish there is some formula or example. I am a foreign born asian and my husband is a caucasian. I do not know how the average american couple balance their times. I do not have family around, nor many friends ( since I spent most of my time with my husband ). When our marriage was on rock , I felt extremely alone and vulnerable. We are getting better now. But I have been thinking what is the healthy among of time couples should spend, the time they do their own thing.

Any idea ???

Link to comment
I do not know how the average american couple balance their times.


Yeah I don't think there is a right answer to that. It's sort of whatever works for the couple.


I spend all my spare time with my partner and that works for us. But I know plenty of successful marriages where the couple may spend only a couple of hours a day together and that seems to work for them.


Every relationship is different. I think if you are feeling that one or the other of you wants to spend more time together then it may be something you need to address. If you are both happy spending less time with each other then should not be a problem if there is no conflict about it.

Link to comment

Make a couple girl friends to do whatever girls do one night a week or so. Try on pants and eat ice cream while you gossip and stuff. The cultural differences don't help you at all, but they don't necessarily have to push you apart. Get some activities to do together, and get a few to do apart. One more thing I might add, which is just my own belief, NO MALE FRIENDS. It brings no good to any healthy relationship.

Link to comment

No male friends unless they are gay, those are exempt from suspicion


Hey I was joking. It's different for everyone, depending on their level of self esteem and trust in the relationship - which are usually pretty closely related


The only caveat I would give is if someone wants to be with you 25 hours a day or never, neither is healthy... anything else in between that works for both parties is a happy medium!

Link to comment

I think it really depends on the couple and the personal needs. I myself like to be on my own, but can perfectly do my own things while still in the same house/room as my bf (we recently moved in together and are highly committed to each other). I have my sports two times a week, we both have busy jobs. I think it helps to plan activities apart and together- and for you to have your own friends if you feel you depend on your hubby too much.



Link to comment

My husband and I spend waaaaaaay too much time together...much more than I am used to...I love being with him, but I also like to have time to myself...to think, to work, to create. He even wanted me to come along to pick out his new workboots the other evening...I said "no thanks"....it has even come to the extreme point sometimes that nothing gets done because we have to do it all as a couple...cute to a degree...but not condusive to a productive partnership in many aspects. He was married only a few years many years ago...I was married for most of my life...so I have to let him know it's OKAY for him to go off and do things by himself or with his friends sometimes....because I need that freedom too! Neither extreme is good...too much or too little time spent together. As in everything, it is about BALANCE...and each couple's individual preference.

Link to comment

my grandparents have been together for 50+ years now. they love each other so much. but they both still do their own thing. they have separate hobbies that are completely independent of each other. my grandma will take vacations with other female family members which leaves my grandpa time to be alone at home. he likes that. but their love will never fade. they spend time away from each other. it's the only way.

Link to comment

I wouldn't measure it by time. I would just allow my wife to have her own separate life as much as she wanted, as I would have mine.

One more thing I might add, which is just my own belief, NO MALE FRIENDS. It brings no good to any healthy relationship.
I don't think it would be a healthy relationship if my wife thought she had a right to demand that I turn my back on my numerous platonic female friends - or vice versa. Way too smothering, and based on insecurity.
Link to comment

its good to have your own time, but i think its better to have things you enjoy doing together. shared hobbies and experiences build the relationship more than just "hanging out" ever will. I understand it can be very hard being far from home, family and friends as well. And I'd agree with these other posters that you should try to make more outside friends, possibly with your husband's buddies wives (as they might be accessible). Or you might try exploring your town and see if there's others from your cultural background in the area.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
These are things we to learn, thank you for sharing. Maybe we can share ideas of what we do individually and the shared hobbies and activities?


I belong to some flying clubs and it bores the crap out of hubby, so I go by myself now. I also take some trips and vacations without him. I go to the beach without him because he can't take the sun.


He belongs to some motoring clubs and I go with him sometimes, but not all the time. When he's doing things for his hobbies at the house I bring him healthy food and drinks - it's my way of being supportive. He would forget to eat if not for me!


We work in the yard together, cook together, go out together to parties and stuff. We have mutual friends. We talk sometimes for hours, about nothing in particular.

Link to comment

It is pretty common for newlyweds to spend most of their free time together. However, I firmly believe that it is not healthy to only spend time with your spouse and children (when you have them). Most people need balance. I've read so many posts on this forum about how when things are not going well and a couple has relied almost solely on each other through the years, they are lost and more confused than they probably would have been had they cultivated other friendships and activities.


That's why so many come here - they don't have friends, or at least enough friends - to talk things out.


There is no magic formula and it may change over time. I am involved in several community and professional organizations. I travel for work a lot, usually without my family, but sometimes bring them along when the venue and timing is right. The whole family does charitable work together, as well as church activities. My husband coaches two sports, usually involving one or more of our children.


What is your favorite number? Supposedly, this is usually the number of close people you want or need in your life. I read that somewhere a long time ago and found it to be accurate at least for me. Kind of silly.

Link to comment
The cultural differences don't help you at all, but they don't necessarily have to push you apart.


Contemporary East Asian (Chinese, Japanese, Korean) culture is very compatible with Western/WASP culture. It's not surprising that the largest proportion of interracial marriages in the US are between East Asians and whites, even though East Asians only consist of 4% of total US population.


Contrary to the stereotypes, East Asians value family to about the same degree as WASPs (although immigrant families in general are closer simply because they are immigrants). For instance, the divorce rate in Korea and Taiwan are just as high as the US's. Younger generations in China and Japan are also experiencing many of the marital issues that plague most Western societies.


I'm East Asian and cultural differences with my SOs have never been an issue as I don't perceive them to be in anyway significant. The little differences or quirks that do exist are mostly superficial (not "ingrained") and usually add flavor/novelty to the relationship. I feel there are more "cultural" differences between a Texan and a Californian.


The OP's problem stems more from her own isolation, which can happen to anyone who is in a LTR.

Link to comment

Thanks for all your response. Yes. I agree that alone time is important. I do enjoy some time by myself. Maybe being newly married, I do not feel comfortable tell him that I enjoy my own time. ( maybe I should). I do agree friends are great addition to our life. I am trying to look for ways to make friends in my area.

It is been a learning progress.

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...