I've lost my girlfriends trust

[goodjobsmartguy]

Hi I’m new to this site but I’ve read some post and you guys give great advice.

 

Here it goes, I’ve been with this girl for a year, she lives about an hour or so away but things have been great up till about month ago. I was on this dating site since before I met my girlfriend. A co-work put one up on another site, so I revamped mine for fun since it didn’t do anything in the past.

 

She saw this and a fake one of her up and found me. We messaged each other a couple of times then talked on aim, while we talked me not knowing it was my girlfriend she sounded like the perfect girl. I have to say I curious so I asked if she would meet me. To make a long story short it was my GF and I didn’t know. She was upset to say the least we got through it sorta but now she can’t trust me. I don’t blame her at all I know it looked really bad.

 

The thing is I never meant for anything like that to happen. I never cheated on her and never planned on it either. However I think this is just as bad in terms of how she feels.

 

Last night she said that she wanted a break. I know what that means and told her that I wouldn’t do it. She knows to me it’s all or nothing in a break up situation. I didn’t want to lose her and thanked my stars that she said that she would try to work things out with me but I think her perception of me has changed. It’s like I’m not even the same person to her anymore.

 

I’ve done my best to talk things out with her in order to earn her trust, which I hope is even possible to do? What can I do to earn her trust back?

[melrich]

but I think her perception of me has changed. It’s like I’m not even the same person to her anymore.

 

I think you are probably right. I won't comment on your reason for doing what you did but there is no doubt she saw something in you that she did not know was there and she doesn't like it.

 

You can't undo what is done. All you can do is ask her forgiveness and then work like hell to show her (through your behavious) that this was an aberration. Don't be surprised though if she does not come around.

 

Love is fickle...once the spell is broken....

[alwaysthegirlfriend]

so let me get this straight...

 

you were on a dating website and the your girlfriend found out and made up a fake name to chat with you and message you correct?

 

did she know you were on this site or did she also go on this site to meet men or did she know you were on this site and see what you were going to do?

 

if she knew that you were on this site and made up and name and chatted with you it was a test and i think you failed. she wanted to test you and see how far you would go when talking to other women.

 

the sad part is you didn't know this and thought you were chatting with the perfect woman what is sad about that is you already had the perfect woman at home but you thought the grass would be greener on the other side.

 

while you were chatting with her did you not have any hints that this woman was your girlfriend? she must of been hurting that you were able to chat with a "other woman" and even meet up with her.

 

on the other hand if she didn't know and then caught you when you met up i think she is just as guilty as you are in the trust area.

 

clarify the situation for me and i'll let you know more what i think if you would like to know more what i think.

[Clabs]

Hey goodjobsmartguy and welcome to ena.

 

Wow - looks like you played with the fire and got badly burned. I only hope that you learned a valuable lesson here.

 

You messing about on a dating site and wanting to meet up with other girls is a huge red flag, and I don't think your ex will be coming back soon. In the future, look and see what you have right in front of you before dismissing it and looking elsewhere.

 

Mark

[jellytot]

No, i think what the OP meant was that she found out he was on the site, and so thereforeeee, put a 'fake' profile of herself up to 'catch him out'.... I think.... may be wrong... but if im right, then im sorry to say but you are in the wrong one hundred percent.

 

Pretend this wasnt your 'girlfriend'... and it was another woman... You still would have met up with her, and what would have happened then???

 

The fact that you allowed yourself to 'meet' someone new, is just wrong. When youre in a relationship, you take that profile down on the dating site, full stop.

 

Its extremely disrespectful to leave a profile up online on a dating site, when youre in a relationship, for what reason??? Just incase something better comes along.... Its worse than being a flirt, or a charmer, when out. Its just disgraceful.

 

Ok, i dont mean to be harsh here and i know you feel bad, but you made your bed here.

 

I think you need to delete this profile, and take it as a lesson learned.

 

Be manly, dont start begging etc, just tell her the facts, tell her you are sorry, tell her you love her and would never have cheated on her, but be honest and tell her that you were simply curious, as this woman sounded too good to be true (the point is she probably made 'herself' seem the most perfect person in the world, because she wanted to catch you out. If she had come accross as a needy cow, you would have not been interested. She obvioulsy made herself seem extremely appealing - and hence put MAJOR temtation in front of you, wondering if you would take the bait..... But you did).

 

So, admit it all - tell her youre truly sorry, and then you have to leave it at that, and give her time and space.

 

But this trust now has definitely taken a HUGE blow, huge, and once trust is broken boy does it take time to build it again... It leads to all sorts.

 

She wont trust you for a while - so be prepared for this... She will probably become a rather insecure person, she will probably start checking up on you, looking through your computer, looking through your phone, get paranoid when you 'talk' to other woman, become rather jealous..... ETC.... Now this behavour, is NOT cool - and pushes people away.

 

In this situation though, this girl has every right to behave in this manor - you MADE her this way, so, you must know, that if you 'stay together' these issues WILL arise. Now its your job then to, not get annoyed at her jealousy, her insecurities, ALLOW her to check you phone - you simply have not let the way she will most likely act, get to you. Eventually, when she realises she can trust you, and you give her absolutely no reason not to, the jealousy etc will stop.... IN TIME THOUGH.

 

Its when someone does something to make their partner suspicious, all hell brakes loose. The suspicious partner will probably start 'checking up' on the other half - and its when the non-suspicious partner, gets annoyed with this, or shouts at the person for checking messeges, or yells at the person when they get jealous, That a NEVER ENDING circle is created... Because then the suspicious person is wondering, why??? Why is he getting mad when i check messages - maybe he DOES have something to hide... And then it just grows and grows and grows, and its doomed.

 

You now need to do EVERYTHING under the sun, to prove you are trustworthy. That means EXPLAINING yourself even when you feel it not necessary - that means, SHOWING her a message if she simply 'asks who its from' That means REASSURING HER big time - and NEVER once getting angry about her being jealous or controlling or whatever. If you can deal with that.... You will slowly earn back the trust.

 

Hope i make sense sort of... i just rambled there a bit...

 

Good luck

xxx

[lizziebee]

This exact situation is happening to me as we speak. My bf of over a year and living together the past 3 months, has been cruising Craigs List and I found some responses he wrote to various women...one that really ticked me off was 'my gf is out doing her own thing, lets get together' yeah, well I was working as I have to on weekends! Anyway, I set up a fake profile myself, and a new Yahoo acct. and after he responded (after swearing to me he would never cheat) he got all giddy and asked me what time I take lunch tomorow...he knows I never go out for lunch. So he took the bait and is now off to meet Miss Pina Colada....like the song? Well, I wonder how his magnificent ego will take it when no one shows!??? I cannot ever trust him now, or else it will be a verrrry long road in earning it back. And yes, I am devasted.

[JadedStar]

Funny how you thought you were chatting with the perfect woman, and you were in fact already dating that same perfect woman. If nothing else this was a huge lesson in "the grass isn't always greener".

 

i doubt your relationship will ever be the same. With a huge amount of hard work and commitment maybe, but it sounds that the fragile strings of trust that must turn to rope are already so frayed.

 

Whether or not she can ever trust you again is entirely up to her and how much you work to restore this. I have to say if that were me, I'd likely never have full trust again. I would always be afraid wondering when it could happen again. You two were together a YEAR. If only a few months I'd likely have a different feel. But after a year we don't want to think our partner will be so easily swayed by some other chick.

 

You might have to move on. If she wants a break you have to give it to her and basically just wait it out. She needs some time to make decisions for herself. I would not be pushy and aggressive with her while she takes this time either.

[jellytot]

See, yes, i was just thinking, If i put myself in the OP's girlfriends shoes - boy oh boy its tough.

 

Things will have to be how I WANT. I mean really, if the boy can take the bait and wanna meet someone whos not even 'in real life' type thing... what does that mean??? I mean, if the boy goes out, and has some AMAZINGLY beautiful woman, RIGHT THERE in front of him, hitting on him, * * * * hanging all over the place, skirt so short it leaves little to the imagination, and well, yeah, RIGHT THERE! Lots of booze in the stomach, and she wants him, invites him back to her place for 'coffee' you telling me he wont fall for that too!!!

 

Mmmmm....

 

So firstly, if it were ME.... Thats it, i am now a control freak, and i want answers, and i want explanations and basically I RULE.

 

I dont want him out EVER without me - selfish - no... He needs to prove himself to me now. No going out without me - fullstop.

 

Goodjobsmartguy - can you do that????

 

Its probably going to mean you changing your ENTIRE lifestyle to prove that this is the woman you want, and ONLY her. And if it means being bored on the nights you would usually hit the town or whatever, so be it.

 

So, is this girl worth it? If not, then, she deserves better.

 

Its through actions - that people learn to trust again.

 

Sorry, i just cant imagine how hard it must be for her... After being with someone for so long, its a real blow, to think they could so easily want to meet someone else, who could in reality be a man actually, lol.

 

Lizziebee, I FEEL FOR YOU!!!

 

That is just absolutely AWFUL. I really dont know what to say, i would be devastated too

 

I think your best bet here is to do something i think superdave did, im not sure, my bro told me... (if it wasnt superdave sorrreeee, it was someone on this forum)

 

But yes, After this lunch, and when nobody shows, next time you see him - do this - its priceless, but takes guts my girl.

 

Act like you know nothing - dont let him know that you know what went down, big hug hello, laugh, chit chat.. blah di blah...

 

Then sit down, and say in the most cheery way possible,

 

'look, i wasnt born yesterday, just want you to know that - i want you to pack your things up and this will be the last you ever hear from me' .....

 

AND THAT IS IT.

 

He will ask hey what where when - but you just put your finger to your mouth, as in shhhhh its the last you will here of me - and you mean it. He goes about packing NOT A WORD from you -

 

and thats it, he leaves.

 

He will be SO SHOCKED. Its brilliant and i wish i had the balls to do something like that.... but believe me, its the last he expects, and if he wants you - he will fight for it after that.

 

Anyways, i am sorry for your story, i hope all works out for YOU in the end

 

big hugs

xxx

[alwaysthegirlfriend]

i agree with Jadedstar that you found a girl that you thought was perfect but not realizing that girl was already with you.

 

you do need to give her space and let her make the decisions because you are in the wrong. you need to admit to her what you did and it's really up to her to decide on what happens to the relationship.

[jellytot]

She had every right to 'set him up'. Why not? If you have an inclination, that a person may easily be swayed by someone else... Why not find out? She was brave, and she had the right to.

 

If someone does something suspicious (the other party has a right to question it) - Find out stuff, or whatever. If someone is being dishonest, and wont admit it, what must one do???? I tel you what, catch them out, and then see what they have to say.

 

Hello, thats what private detectives do, its an actual job... She 'hired' a private detective, herself.

[jellytot]

Anyways, at the end of the day, its the beginning of the night... lol..

 

No, seriously, the OP should not have been up on a dating site whilst in a relationship - it should have been DELETED.

 

Its just asking for trouble... had he not been up on this site, just that SIMPLE action of deleting the profile on a dating site, none of this would have happened. None of it at all.

 

So, its a learning thing really.

 

Moral of story, if youre in a relationship, dont advertise yourself on a dating site.

[Clabs]

What I said!

 

Mark

[JadedStar]

I think blaming the girl for what she did is tangential at this point.

 

I might not totally agree with that tactic because if i really didn't trust the guy I'd leave, but who knows, if i found out my guy was actively registered on the site and searching, I might do the same thing.

 

And screw whomever thought I was in the wrong. It's her relationship, her life. If she felt she needed to find out what was going on more power to her.

 

No, blaming her isn't really going to help the OP IMO.

 

I can't even begin to imagine how hurtful that would feel, knowing my SO was active on a dating site and chatting with women.

[goodjobsmartguy]

Thanks for the advice I will try to answer some questions

 

Jolly tot

 

I think you need to delete this profile, and take it as a lesson learned.

I did that right away.

 

Be manly, dont start begging etc, just tell her the facts, tell her you are sorry, tell her you love her and would never have cheated on her, but be honest and tell her that you were simply curious, as this woman sounded too good to be true (the point is she probably made 'herself' seem the most perfect person in the world, because she wanted to catch you out. If she had come accross as a needy cow, you would have not been interested. She obvioulsy made herself seem extremely appealing - and hence put MAJOR temtation in front of you, wondering if you would take the bait..... But you did).

 

I did this too right away, this happened and month or so ago and since when I have sensed that she is upset or that she is suspicious I try to get her talking to and get things out in the open.

 

So, admit it all - tell her youre truly sorry, and then you have to leave it at that, and give her time and space.

I have, because of this she has said that she doesn’t believe I’m into the relationship so my problem is giving her space while showing that I truly care. Any advice on how to accomplish?

 

She wont trust you for a while - so be prepared for this... She will probably become a rather insecure person, she will probably start checking up on you, looking through your computer, looking through your phone, get paranoid when you 'talk' to other woman, become rather jealous..... ETC.... Now this behavour, is NOT cool - and pushes people away.

 

It has and I have gotten mad, I realize that I shouldn’t, but if I want her to forgive me I will have to do it so I will.

 

 

You now need to do EVERYTHING under the sun, to prove you are trustworthy. That means EXPLAINING yourself even when you feel it not necessary - that means, SHOWING her a message if she simply 'asks who its from' That means REASSURING HER big time - and NEVER once getting angry about her being jealous or controlling or whatever. If you can deal with that.... You will slowly earn back the trust.

 

I will do this more too.

 

Hope i make sense sort of... i just rambled there a bit...

Good luck

xxx

 

It made perfect sense thank you.

I dont want him out EVER without me - selfish - no... He needs to prove himself to me now. No going out without me - fullstop.

 

Goodjobsmartguy - can you do that????

 

Yes I can but I do not think it will come to that. She is willing to work through this together she has told me that she thinks we can. I do not believe in “breaks” If she wanted to end things with me I would not blame her and would respect that. I don’t want that to happen but I will also not be stuck in between either. If us working through this means I can’t go anywhere then so be it.

 

 

So, is this girl worth it? If not, then, she deserves better.

 

There is no doubt in my Mind.

 

alwaysthegirlfriend

 

you do need to give her space and let her make the decisions because you are in the wrong. you need to admit to her what you did and it's really up to her to decide on what happens to the relationship.

Like I asked above how do I show her my love while giving her space?

 

Oaken007

 

Definitely not. And I'm not one to point fingers, but it sounds like this guy may not be telling the whole truth.

 

Seems a little "too innocent" to me.

Please, I asked for advice not to be judged. To be dishonest now would not obtain the information I seek.

[JadedStar]

Like I asked above how do I show her my love while giving her space?

 

 

You are going to have to be an open book for awhile. Your email accounts, etc, if she does ask to see, I suggest letting her. I normally don't advocate that, but she has to have some sense of trusting you and that will help. I can't say I totally agree iwth jellytot about "never out without me". that wno't work. That is setting yourself up to fail. I think if you are an open book when you are together that is all you can do. But if the only way to win someone's trust is to duct tape them to your hip then you are doomed for failure anyway. In the long run no woman will truly be happy hanging on her guy 24/7. That just won't work IMO.

[goodjobsmartguy]

Like I asked above how do I show her my love while giving her space?

 

 

You are going to have to be an open book for awhile. Your email accounts, etc, if she does ask to see, I suggest letting her. I normally don't advocate that, but she has to have some sense of trusting you and that will help. I can't say I totally agree iwth jellytot about "never out without me". that wno't work. That is setting yourself up to fail. I think if you are an open book when you are together that is all you can do. But if the only way to win someone's trust is to duct tape them to your hip then you are doomed for failure anyway. In the long run no woman will truly be happy hanging on her guy 24/7. That just won't work IMO.

 

I totally agree, that would make me look needy which'll end it in a heart beat. I will, however, have to deal with her being needy in the way of questioning everyone and everything I do. That behavior out of her should be expected. I've got a sense of how to handle this better. Thanks

[savoie]

i found myself in a similar situation. although i had no proof that he was an active member on a dating site - he had a listing.....and it was how we met. i busted him by checking his computer after we moved in together.

 

my trust in him was greatly diminished. i knew at the very least he was still looking. i think it was an addiction for him. i do believe him on that note. i know that he didn't meet up with anyone. but the potential for emotional cheating was there. i felt betrayed.

 

i am a reasonable person and not insecure. it took a period of time before i felt like i could trust him again. i was paranoid everytime he was on his computer......but i didn't say anything.

 

i don't know how old you are, but i first question why you were still on the site? secondly, why did you engage in this conversation? it might have appeared to be the perfect woman - but why were you seeking her out in the first place? is there something lacking in the relationship or is there some issue you have with yourself that you are trying to sort out?

 

i believe if you can honestly - HONESTLY - identify the answers to those questions then you might be able to explain to her why you did what you did and put her mind at ease to a certain extent. really - the only the thing you can fall back on right now is time. you have to prove to her that you are worthy. you are essentially in the dog house and rightly so. emotional cheating is almost worse than physical cheating to many women. the connection you made with this ficticious chick would be very difficult for anyone to deal with.

 

if she needs a break - i think that it is highly manipulative of you to threaten the end with someone who deserves your understanding. you created this mess! she is trying to take care of herself right now and you want to call the shots in how she does that. she needs to get her mind clear as to what she wants. you attempting to control how she feels is not going to change the outcome. she may decide she doesn't want to be with you anymore in this break and it is better that the two of you figure that out now. stop trying to control her and let her know that you prefer not to break it off but if she needs it emotionally you will respect her wishes. the way i see it - you are continueing to disrespect her. let her decide if or how the relationship continues - it is not your call. you screwed up. be a man and own it

[alwaysthegirlfriend]

alwaysthegirlfriend:

 

you do need to give her space and let her make the decisions because you are in the wrong. you need to admit to her what you did and it's really up to her to decide on what happens to the relationship.

 

Like I asked above how do I show her my love while giving her space?

 

you are going to show her your love by giving her space. just don't be pushy and let her take as much time as she needs. remind her that you do love her and you have MADE a huge mistake. You have already made the mistake and it's DONE. the next thing is admitting it to her and telling her the ways you are going to improve the relationship. if this means you are going to be open to tell her everything.

 

see i was in the same situation. but I am in the same position as your girlfriend. I caught him emailing some other girl. after some space and being more open about our relationship. he had to prove to me that I came first and that the email was a HUGE HUGE mistake.

 

it's still taking time and I'm still trying to forgive him and him earn my trust. one of the things he has done to try and show me that the girl he emailed is just a friend is by inviting me to meet her but I declined for now because I am still not comfortable it's too early. but I told him that he shouldn't have to hide his friendship with her if it's just a friendship so now he lets me know when they talk or if she calls or emails. he tells me every little thing they talk about without me having to ask him.

 

see little things like that he does to show me that he is being open and honest and not hiding anything.

 

just give her space. i'm sure if she loves you just as much as I love my guy and she wants the relationship to work. you are both going to have to work on the trust. whether it's gaining it back or giving it.

 

show her that have learned from what happened and that you aren't going to make the same mistake again. one thing i would suggest is getting rid of the dating websites especially if she is not comfortable with it. if you want to be with this girl it's going to take a lot of scarifices. if you want to be with her then the dating websites, chatrooms etc... shouldn't even be in your life anymore.

 

she needs to feel that she can trust you and know that it was a slip up. if you were to keep on the dating websites and chat rooms she is just going to keep it in her mind that when will it happen again?

 

if she gives you the opportunity to see her and talk to her remind her of the great relationship you guys have. start dating her all over again even if you have to start from scratch.

 

i hope this helps a little.

[goodjobsmartguy]

I'm glad I'm not the only one in this situation. I'm a little drunk so I will respond tomorrow but thanks for the advice in advance. I will respond in a more mature way when I am sober.

[goodjobsmartguy]

I am letting her figure it out, but a break is a break up simple as that. If she wants to break it off I will respect that. I believe I said that above. I told her I would. I told her if she wanted to break it off I would. She didn't want that. She wants to work things out, we have to do that together.

[goodjobsmartguy]

 

she needs to feel that she can trust you and know that it was a slip up. if you were to keep on the dating websites and chat rooms she is just going to keep it in her mind that when will it happen again?

 

if she gives you the opportunity to see her and talk to her remind her of the great relationship you guys have. start dating her all over again even if you have to start from scratch.

 

i hope this helps a little.

 

Yes this helps tremendously thank you again.

[alwaysthegirlfriend]

a break doesn't mean you have to break up it just means that you are both trying to work things out. if you take this break as a break up then you have already made the decision for her to leave you.

 

don't make the same mistake i did before. i thought a break means you are finally over. a break now means to me that you need to step back and figure it out because you do want things to work.

[goodjobsmartguy]

a break doesn't mean you have to break up it just means that you are both trying to work things out. if you take this break as a break up then you have already made the decision for her to leave you.

 

don't make the same mistake i did before. i thought a break means you are finally over. a break now means to me that you need to step back and figure it out because you do want things to work.

 

I've had "breaks" in the past and it only gets worse and not better. I've never gotten back with a girl that I've had a break with. I don't see the point, it's one or the other. People can still be together and give space right? That's what her and I can do. I'll give her space.

[alwaysthegirlfriend]

i've had breaks where we got back together. it doesn't happen right away but it happens you have to be patient. i guess the difference from taking a break and giving her space and being in the relationship is in a break you are technically not together so she doesn't have to feel as much pressure.

[savoie]

"Last night she said that she wanted a break. I know what that means and told her that I wouldn’t do it. She knows to me it’s all or nothing in a break up situation. I didn’t want to lose her and thanked my stars that she said that she would try to work things out with me but I think her perception of me has changed. It’s like I’m not even the same person to her anymore."

 

This is what I responded to. She wants a break. It is normal for her to have mixed feelings right now. I am sure that she sees alot of good in you too. Your behavior online, however, was extremely impulsive and showed a lack of good judgement - if you in fact want your GF in your life that is. Honoring her request shows her respect and genuine love in my opinion. She doesn't have clarity right now. You won't change overnight and she knows that in her gut. Anything you do right now is only putting a bandaid on it and she won't trust that. Time and earning her trust is the only thing that will make a difference. My perception of you right now is if she doesn't respond to your demand your love and interest in her goes out the window and you are off to the next chick. To me pressuring her into not taking a break sends the absolute wrong message. But - perhaps it is a lesson you both need to learn.

 

i understand the dilemma that you are in. But to me true love would be to express to her that she can take the time she needs to put this right in her mind. you can let her know, that you love her and when she is ready to work on things again that you are there for her. you can say that you won't wait forever. but demanding anything of her right now is putting your own needs first and not hers. you can't make this right in the short term.