A little bit of a rant.

[Moto]

Ok , so the past month has been a rough one for me, but for the last two weeks I've felt generally good, two rough days, and they weren't really that rough. I find myself QUICKLY adjusting to my situation, and moving on faster then I thought I would.

 

It seems like I have become so used to change in the last few years, that I just go with the flow of life, I never thought I would get through losing her, someone I loved so much and spent three years of my life with. But after a week and a half I no longer shed tears, or felt any remorse. I put my head down and started to truck forward, I gave up all hope of reconciliation at the moment, as I knew it wouldn't happen. I also gave up trying to talk to her, thus NC, although I'm open if she wants to talk to me, and I told her that.

 

Now, here's what got me thinking today. I was thinking about friends and family I have lost along the course of my life, permanently lost , as in they have passed away.

 

I could not remember one negative thing about any of them, i also could not remember the date's of their passing. I am so upset that I could let myself forget how long it has been since I lost them in my life, but then I thought about it more... And I could not even remember my period of grieving. It's like my mind has blacked out the sadness, and will not allow me to recall it, but to simply remember them as the special people they were. I remember crying at each and every one of their funerals, and everything about that day, in the church. But I can recall nothing else.

 

Now, here's the real kicker. My ex , is not dead , and I also feel like I am content, and happy for the fact that she is no longer in my life. I am not saying I would not be open to talking with her, but I am saying that not one single part of me wants her back in my life as even a friend for now. I imagine my mind will start blocking out the memories soon, as when I do recall them they seem so faint , and I honestly cannot even remember the words we spoke on the most terrible day. Funny considering I can remember everything that happened at work that day, as my memory is very good in the long term aspect.

 

I have been meeting so many people, and the more i meet new people I start to kind of put together what I am looking for in a partner. The ex is not fitting any of the qualities I have labeled important in my mental list, and the more i think about it the more I feel it would have never worked out, as it was a one way street, and I was driving, and the road, and the car... And maybe the parked cars and pedestrians.

 

I am not going to go looking for a replacement, or a rebound... But I am going to start being open to talking to more new people, and am going to consider myself available and open to any possibility.

 

Sorry if this is incoherent, it was a jumble of my thoughts for the day.

[just M.E.]

Moto, I do that also, a form of selective amnesia; sometimes it's a bad thing in a relationship because I can forgive and totally forget when I shouldn't.

 

I've lost too many loved ones this year and a few over the years before. When my daughter was 16 and grieving over a dear friend of ours, I told her 2 things.

1. They are never truly gone if they live in your heart.

2. Take all the good of that person into your being, try in life to be as good as that person you have lost, in that way everyday they are part of you and their goodness can go on.

 

Unfortunately, so far in my life it really has been only the good die young

[Wandering_Sword]

Incoherent!?! Nah, that was carefully written and thought out stuff you got down. And it sounds like you're getting out of that dark tunnel we wind up getting ourselves in when the EX leaves. This is a good thing indeed, the only thing remaining for us to do after the EX has left is to move forward. Was there ever any other course of action available to us ultimately?

[just M.E.]

Moto, I think this trait of forgetting makes healing easier. I think it is a point of strength, remembering the quality, shutting out the pain, learning and remembering where you need to be.

We all stumble, you seem to stubble very gracefully and land on your feet with all you common sense intact. I'd give you a big pat on the back.

[Moto]

just M.E. - It is the sad truth, that the good die young. I don't think we're meant to understand why. That is great advice, and I'm sure it truly is the best way.

 

I hope this selective forgetfulness is a positive trait in the long run, as I truly believe i take the lessons in stride, and flow along the river of time. Okay, so that was a bit melodramatic , but I stand by it. Thank you for the pat . I try to gain my composure no matter what life throws at me, and took awhile to find my footing this time.

 

Wandering - Thank you. I tried to make as much sense as possible! There truly is nowhere for us to go but forward, we could try living in the moment and letting everything take course that way (this is usually how we come upon OUR OWN version of happiness) but... Where's the fun in NOT thinking about the future? I am trying to find a well balanced meal of the two.

[Coyote9]

Your doing great man! I would simply add that the grief we face as we try to move on from broken relationships is every bit as real as the grief of losing a loved one, and perhaps made more complicated by the fact that we don't celebrate the goodness of the relationship and it's finality the way we do someone's death. Our beloved is out there someplace, they could give us what we need, they could love, but they have chosen to do otherwise. That's the hard part, and I will say you are on the fast track after less than a couple months following the breakup. Many of take years to completely come to terms with the loss of that special person, even as we move forward, take care of ourselves, keep busy, even have new relationships, we remain scarred in part because a part of our brain knows that it could have worked...they didn't die, they made a choice!

 

It's rare I think that we can simply let go and wish them well until we've really come to terms with our own grief around our hopes and dreams, and somehow rechannel that energy. You are doing a spendid job of that!

Keep going and keep inspiring us all here Moto.

Coyote

[auburnslp]

Wow, and excellent-you have an ability to really look at things in an objective sense, and this will serve you very well in life-sounds like you are healing and moving forward, and that is a great thing...take care-and re-read your own posts when you have a sad day, it will help you to regain that inner strength and resolve...

[just M.E.]

Coyote, good point, there is a very real grief in the loss of a relationship and it is deeply more personal, as death is truly out of our control and we seem to think relationship failure isn't. It is.

[Moto]

Coyote, again your words of wisdom are most appreciated. Just M.E.'s addition to the point is also VERY insightful. (I think insightful and wisdom are the two most used words on this forum, for good reason). If we perceive a "failed" relationship as something within our control, it really does make it that much harder, as human beings we STRIVE when we are in control of our lives. It's just to bad many of us get wrapped up with the wrong person... And don't see it until after. Another well used line... If only foresight were hindsight?

 

Auburnslp , thank you, and I imagine I will have a sad day, and that's out of my control too, so I will bookmark my threads from here out. That is a great idea to help get over it, as I sometimes forgot how positive I was on such days as today!

[just M.E.]

Thanks Moto

My greatest fear?

"Wisdom doesn't always come with age, sometimes age comes alone"

I think the meaning of life is something related to growing and learning, all else is transitory.

Lifes lesson come hard sometimes, the waste is in not learning.

[Desiderata]

I've been pretty bad with making super long posts the past few days, but I feel like that's ToV's fault haha. But with this I will just lay it all out there, exactly what I think:

 

It's just interesting to read about the lack of memories from those particular events in your life. It was too long ago for me to remember anything significant about the funerals I've been to, but I remember the dates and everything. For you it seems like anything terribly depressing or sad that happens just goes through you and eventually just ends up being not even a memory - just something that you know happened, but you cannot recall. You know those things happened, but their specifics are lost.

 

Maybe it is just strong emotions and conversations instead of actions. Like the things you did at work that particular day are concrete - maybe they are things that happen often. But emotional things, things that truly involve some type of severe emotional commitment are gone once they have been digested, so to speak.

 

I'm definitely with you there - after what happened today in talking to my ex's mom and the things that I've been thinking about I know it would not have worked out. I just cannot handle the things that have been happening with him and how he truly treated me during our relationship. Considering yourself "available and open to any possibility" is very liberating of you and I hope that it feels that way. Just going out and meeting people and seeing what happens sounds like it will provoke good feelings and a strong perspective on what you will eventually want in another SO.

 

But just getting yourself out into the world and meeting so many people is going to make you feel so much better. I talk to people everyday in the library and they are so fascinating most of the time. I walk around the malls here and just sit on a bench and watch people (not in a creepy way, in a casual way) and I realize how different all people really are. To think that I thought I would be with one person forever it just crazy to me now, being out in the world is definitely the key to figuring out what kind of person you can be right now and what you will want in the future.

[Moto]

"Wisdom doesn't always come with age, sometimes age comes alone"

I think the meaning of life is something related to growing and learning, all else is transitory.

 

"Accomplishments are transient". I agree with that, but I also think growing and learning with someone, can be just as if not more fulfilling. If it truly is the right person that is, and I know, that it is very rare to find the right person at my age, and even much farther down the road, but I will continue looking forward to it, and probably will never stop... I'm just going to stop looking for it right now, and enjoy myself, and probably start trying to find some females i take interest in, and go from there.

 

Desi - I've been meeting MANY new people, and keep flying at it. The funny thing is that I also have a habit of "People watching" . I sit in the coffee shop everyday and drink a chai latte, and read... and I end up watching, and overhearing things that make me wonder "What the heck does that even mean?", and it makes me chuckle. I don't like eavesdropping, and usually don't, but I will pick out things that make no sense, and then think about what it could mean to that particular person, judging by their appearance, and how they are presenting themselves, body language, etc.

 

This is actually how I met some of my really good friends, I decided to talk to them and find out if my assumptions were true, they didn't find it creepy at all, and I'm thankful for it.

[just M.E.]

yes, Growing and learning with someone IS the ultimate accomplishment! You are wise beyond your years, your challenge maybe finding the someone who can meet you on your level, I'm betting you will.

People watching can be also called Being a student of life.

[Desiderata]

People watching is - for real - one of my favorite things to do. I was sitting in the food court at a mall eating with a friend and I just listened and looked at all of the people and it is fascinating what you can hear, see, notice, etc. just by casually glancing or listening or (sometimes) staring. This coffee shop that you speak of just sounds wonderful, as does the chai latte. Though I would probably drink tea and either write or read and just be there and enjoy it and take in the atmosphere - people and all.

 

Just watching one person is so interesting - their mannerisms (like if they use their hands while they are talking - like I do), their voice sometimes (like a man having a really high voice just amuses me to no end) or just what they are carrying, wearing, doing, buying, ordering sometimes, etc. I think approaching people is something I would have to work up the courage to do, but I did that today... sort of. I mean I was working and my friend Heather - whom I haven't seen in five years, not since my Sweet 16 - was there and we talked and exchanged e-mail addresses. Had I not found a missing DVD and had to go to the front desk I would have missed walking by her, but I took the chance to even say "Heather?!" as she walked by which was great. Such a fabulous moment.

 

I really just always look forward to meeting people, all different kinds of people from all different places and lifestyles. It's like a different relationship with each person and I love that. When people approach me it's wonderful too, or even when people smile at me. I'm just always smiling and I hope it's contagious.

 

just M.E. - Being a student of life... that is gorgeous. Like just observing and letting the world be your teacher - people and places and things just revolving as they do with a person just taking in the intricacies and delightful things about what people do or how places differ from one another. Perhaps it's just me being carried away, though I love what you said.

[Moto]

Being a student of life... that is gorgeous. Like just observing and letting the world be your teacher - people and places and things just revolving as they do with a person just taking in the intricacies and delightful things about what people do or how places differ from one another. Perhaps it's just me being carried away, though I love what you said.

 

Far more enjoyable then formal education isn't it? Educating yourself, is so much more rewarding no matter what method you choose. Even if it's to study someone elses words or actions, it's of your own accord.

 

And I think everyone has to look forward to meeting people, or everyone would end up TERRIFIED of each other.

 

I am told I intimidate when i get off work because of my unkempt appearance from a hard days work, yet people still talk to me when I'm in my work garb. What i'm trying to get at is... IF you meet someone, and they are snooty with you from the first moment, ignore them, they're not the kind of person you want to talk to anyways. People you truly want to meet, will never judge by first glance, they go through possibilities of what you may or may not be, but decide to let you make their choice.

 

And that, truly is something special when you meet someone like that, isn't it? Male or female, friend or romantic interest.

[Desiderata]

The most enjoyable experiences that I've had with my formal education are really when I just get to observe. I've had three field experiences already and the last one was definitely the most enjoyable - I got to sit and for the first day watch my 7th graders and just answer questions about them. It was just wonderful though seeing what groups would form when they picked their own or who was the most energetic or studious out of the group. I would get to see what they wore every week and how it changed, I just got to see them consistently grow as people and as learners.

 

And most of the time on campus I'm by myself (or it was the case last year) so sometimes I would drive out to a store or something and just walk around. It's amazing how many people will just look at you or smile at you and how sometimes people will ask me things or strike up conversations. It's also nice to see how smiling at someone can either make them recoil or make them smile back, which is just wonderful for me and for them.

 

I think the anxiety of meeting people is just in the way that people go about it - like being nervous at going out and trying to make friends or to meet someone. Most of the time I've made friends at school by just sitting in the lounge, watching something or cooking something and people just come and see me. The baking more often than none because I do not think a dorm full of girls can resist the smell of brownies baking, haha.

 

Intimidate, hmm... it might just be fear more than anything, like if you are unkempt there must be something wrong with you. I get looks around campus when I'm in my dance clothes - I'm wearing like slip on shoes and my tights and capri pants and a million different layers and it's just fun to watch people and what they think of me. You're right - if people judge you by just what you look like they will never know the real you. Someone can walk up to me and be into my look or understand why I'm dressed like that, but some others can just glance and scoff, psh I don't need them.

 

I was trying to think of someone as an example to comment on the fact that it is truly special when you meet someone like that - friend or potential SO or anything. My ex was intimidated by me at first actually, I mean the first time he met me face to face I was wearing all black and very business like and he thought I was so sophisticated and uptight and everything. It's just how I dress, I just have a lot of clothes like that and he just soon grew to realize that I'm just me and I can dress however I feel like on a given day.

 

I just like thinking about how many different ways there are to meet people and how I feel like if I do intimidate people I never mean too. I'm confident and I smile a lot, maybe that's scary? I don't know.

[buba]

It took me 2.5 years and I am still not completely over it...

I think that my mom's death a year and a half ago was easier to overcome than my divorce...pretty brutal.

Time heals though, I am starting to enjoy life again...and meeting new people.