Epiphany in a moment

[TheFallenShadow]

Sorry so long, but i dont often write this much...LOL, so i take it when i can, just thoughts that i think about it....

 

As I was driving into work this morning, I had an Epiphany

Funny how those seem to strike at the least expected times. However not so strange for me considering I is on the road a lot, with the distance I travel to and from work, plenty of time to think. OR maybe it is left over thinking from getting up at 3:30 am…

Much like clock work, up at 3:30. Drink my coffee, until the first rays of the sun to hit, take a shower, smoke about half a pack of cigs. And on the road by 6….by 8 im at work, put in a full day. Slide out early when I can, go to the place I reside. Check in with my boys…fix myself something to eat, and it’s a treat for me, when my boys join me. One of the happier parts of my day. Then clean up my dishes, surf the net a bit, staring at this god forsaken box, waiting….play a pc game, and toggle back and forth, waiting….

Then by 11pm, if there isn’t any new messages or mail…I meander through my thoughts, looking blankly at the screen, and ponder….by Midnight. I turn in for the night….

And again back up by 3:30….turn the coffee pot on, and wait for that first cup, to start my day….

 

Boring life I know…

Some would say that I need to find other interests, meet new people…

But frankly I am happy with my solitude…I have built the walls around myself, and isolated myself from everything, save my sons, and I go on…

 

And I can think back to a time, when I was probably a little more outgoing…but that seemed so long ago, and a person that I was. I mean I am the same person now, it’s that there is much a difference now then before, outside of being a bit older, and much wiser…I have struggled over the last few years, but in the last year, I have come to know myself again, and appreciate the nuisance of who I am. And have come to realize, that there are those I have let down, by betraying myself. I tried to be some one that I wasn’t…trying to fill the roles of all the people in my life, worried about what people would say, or how they would react. And in a sense,

 

I gave up on me….the person that I Am., the one that I could count on, when everything got tough, I tried to make friends. I tried, something that is not very easy for me, nor is it easy for me to call someone friend. But in the end, I was painfully reminded why I don’t have many friends and why I call even fewer friend.

 

Now, however, I am back to being that somewhat cocky, strutting, self motivated individual that I lost somewhere down the line, and quite frankly am back to the mind set, that if you like me great, if you don’t, NO skin off my nose. I have found that I am worthy of anything that I want in life, and I am worthy of attention and affection, I have denied much of these kind of things in my life, for a long time I did. I dealt with my heartache, and hurt, in much the way I can understand, I closed off every aspect of my life, and kept every thing and everyone at arms length, never letting anyone in…

 

This went on for years. Then I made the attempt at trying again…only to get burnt, yes, it can be seen as I wanted this or that, and that is what has been misunderstood or construed... And I guess I can step back and see where one could see things this way…however…it’s not how it was intended or meant. And so now in this present day, I still hurt every morning, when I wake up, I still think of her, I still love her…

 

I realize now, that her struggle, with her previous relationship, was what it was, and in some degree, I was shorted because of this. And maybe her long fight to save something in her previous relationship that she couldn’t through no fault of her own, she wasn’t willing to make the same fight for US…I only asked of her little, a smile, a cup of coffee, and an I love you…not thinking that it would be to much to ask…

I guess it was…

 

Hence here is the Epiphany

 

I understand this about myself, more clearly now, then I did ever before. That I react to what is said to me or not said to me, so there for the things that I choose to do, was in direct correlation to what was said or not said. This of course created a lot of problems, why? Because I am of the mid set, that I believe that you or I should say what needs to be said, if you love somebody you should tell them...

 

Example: I would have to go, due to whatever reason, I waited for her to say whatever….she would say go, go see your boys…and I did…(and as god as my witness, every time I left, it was as if someone had ripped my heart out)

 

I think about this often and wonder, if we both had only said what was truly in our hearts, and not what we thought we should because of other factors in life, maybe, just maybe

 

Now, however, if she would have said stay with me….I would have, and I would be there right now with her, I would have been there to take care of her…I would have been there to dance the dance of life with who I thought was my perfect counterpart, a kindred spirit, that would have made the soul sing, and soar to the light of heaven. (Yes I still love her that much)

 

But as it is, she has moved on,

 

I realize that she no longer loves me, but I set and wonder sometimes, if she did, but just couldn’t admit it to me. Or to herself.

 

As for me, well I have returned to the cold, and callous individual that I am, with nothing in my eyes, and a dead pan grin…which only make people wonder what I am thinking…and the passing uncomfortable moments ,so I will return to the darkness of the shadows, as they are a familiar lover, comfortable, here I will be waiting….

[lexie]

So you are sitting with unrequited Love. Hmmm, It is not my favorite human situation/state either and yes it can e such a cold place, a void and pain that seems will never leave....but you know it's not over yet. There is a lot of love n this planet even if it didn't show up in your previous choice of partners.I would say mourn . Mourn not getting your needs met...not being told "l love you" or "stay with me". It is OK to be sad about it and be just that. What this really means is not attempting to get rid or cover the pain but to really look at it and cry. Know what it is that you would like to share with another person. Try planting a little seed of hope...one that speaks very silently at first...that says...I can have this reciprocal love.

 

I find that when I define what it is that I am wanting or needing..imagining the feature and feeling, holding that feeling and allowing that to seep in with out giving that power to another person I am able to self care...SELF LOVE...and then begin to bring that into your daily processes...what very they may be. Developing self love is an extraordinary experience and it isn't for the meed...it requires courage, much effort and determination.

[Daddy Bear]

I only asked of her little, a smile, a cup of coffee, and an I love you…not thinking that it would be to much to ask…

I guess it was…

 

Here you seem to point the finger of blame at your ex and make her wholly responsible for the demise of your relationship; and am I correct in assuming that you would like for her to read this? I'm puzzled, because elsewhere in your post you tell us that you still love her. There seems to be a lack of continuity between your two thoughts, and I have to question whether this apparent dual mindset will lead to peace within yourself and between the two of you.

 

Love is forgiveness. Love is undemanding. Love is letting go. May this be your next great epiphany.

 

Keep standing, TFS. Your resolve to hold up after a sad and life-changing event is no doubt inspiring to many.

[Daddy Bear]

This post is worthy of comment but off-topic in the context of this thread. Break it into paragraphs and give it a thread of its own, and you will no doubt get a good number of responses.

[TheFallenShadow]

No, i didnt mean for her to read it, just thoughts that run through my head, and the ability to get by, and to be able to get on with what i need to in life. and if i shut myself out from the rest of the world, then that is what i have to do...

thanks for the replies...

[TheFallenShadow]

It took me a while to dissect your entry, because I'm not very good with picking up streams of consciousness. As long as they're your thoughts, and they bring meaning to you, then that's good.

This is what I see from your introspection: (AS it were, these are just thoughts that run though my head at times. Weather anyone understand or not, at this point, don’t care to tell you the truth, which was also one of my downfalls. I started to worry to much what other people thought.)

 

Period 1 -you attended to the roles of the ppl in your lives, that you forgot the role to yourself: self preservation

-you saw the unjust of being there for people, when they weren't there for you ( no I figured that I would be there no matter what, it wasn’t until later, that I learned that I was on my own as always, I fooled myself into believing that others would be there for me.)

-you lost that stability that you closed yourself to others to regain that self preservation.

 

Well..you aren't superman! It's important to care for yourself, and for the people that are worth caring for. People like co-workers and your boss are people you have to deal with, but won't necessarily be there for you. Friends, your kids, and family are relationships that are worth enriching and will give you more fulfillment in your life . (the only things I have to fulfill my life now is my Sons….)

 

Period 2 -tin heart syndrome.

- you became indifferent because the only person you can rely on that won't disappoint you is yourself.

- you proved to yourself as capable and worthy,( no my mistake was thinking that I wasn’t good enough for other people) yet you didn't see everyone else in the same light.

 

By doing that, you build up a void you have in your heart. Yes, you can be your own security, but life wouldn't be as meaningful if you don't open yourself to others-both happiness and sorrow. It doesn't always have to be a significant other to fill up that void. It could be God, friends, family, pets, and people in your community. Give them a chance to experience what a great individual you are. You're here to live, not just exist. ( all this I know, but, there is a small void in all of us, that has the want and need, to feel wanted, needed, loved, whatever by someone special)

 

Period 3

-you opened up, felt how great love was, then got burnt, and closed up again . (I opened up and got burnt 3 times, so, now, I think I am pretty much done, shutting down to not have to feel like that again, is self preservation)

 

I hope you know that it wasn't your fault .( I think that the fault was on both is us, not just her, not just me, but I also think that we didn’t try hard enough, and that it was just easier for her to move on, to someone that was more convenient, and she has moved on, and I only wish her the best, and the happiness that she deserves, but she wont find the happiness that I could have filled her life, and heart with.) I think you need to know that if she had stayed back, she'll be stuck with the guilt that she wouldn't be able to fully attend to your relationship. You're probably thinking, well..if she knew that and she really loved me, then she'll change herself and move on.

From what you know, you can't really move on without healing can you? ( as for the pain, I keep it, so that I know that I am still alive)

 

Period 4

-looked at your relationship with her and concluded that what is said and unsaid is weighed equally

-you prefer said over unsaid, because you feel that there will be no regrets by doing so.

-words said/unsaid influence your actions.

 

i disagree. you can't always be dependant on words. ( and I can see your point, but no, sometimes actions do not speak louder then words. And sometimes, words are all we have, and weather it be a word like hope, or hate. At times you would know where you stand.) there's a right time for everything, and everyone has a different time to say these things because we all have different priorities. you're priority is love, but then she sees that your priority should be with your boys .( no, at times my priorities to my sons, was some of the problem,. They have always been first, and she knew that up front) they're not all grown up yet.

she'd rather deceive herself with you( ok, don’t know exactly what you mean by this) by keeping things unsaid, which is still in question. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Now..

You're back to indifference. Don't close yourself up, that's the last thing she would want of you. You need to heal, by not being dependant on a love that keeps you hanging on a thread of hope. She needs to discover that herself as well. I'm not saying that you can't wait for her, but you still have to carry on with your life and have that self-discovery of who you can be.

 

I have already began, the closing myself off, the only ones that I am open to are my sons, my mother….As for my love, which is not mine anymore, well, she was the only one, that could turn the stone fortress around me, into a house of cards….

[Daddy Bear]

You need to get on with life, brother. Retreating from the world, never loving again, wallowing in pain to know you're alive... these are not rational thoughts for someone of your potential, and definitely not the sort of ideas you want to pass on to your children.

 

Having heard a small bit of the other side of the story, it is also my opinion that you're not being completely honest with yourself (and us, by extension) about the true dynamic behind your breakup. Get past that, and you'll be in a much better place.

 

Remember, I've been where you are, and all of my comments to you are born of being able to feel deeply for for your sorrow and wishing to see it turn into hope for the future. I know you can get there. Let it happen; you deserve far better than this emotional cesspool you seem content to swim in.

[TheFallenShadow]

SB,

thanks for your candor, but as it is, i am were i am, and will remain here, because this is how i was before i met her...in the same place. the dark hole, that i crawled into, and stayed....As for my Sons, for the most part, what they see, is thier Dad, tall, dark, stoic...unemotional, and very little rise out of me....As for the other side of the story, well, that wasnt completely honest either, those dynamics were suppose to be discussed by her and myself, which never happened,...

as for hope, that died in my about a year ago...so to me, i dont see anything that is brighter, lighter, or whatever you want to call it, all i see and will remain to see as i always have, is the darkness, pain and shadows...

 

the potential, i had, or have...that capicity is diminished...and i let it to slip through my hands...as i have most everything else in my life.

[Daddy Bear]

I'm sure that I don't know the whole story. All that I've received are impressions and feelings, not the full details that are the private business of you and your ex.

 

In any case, I have no desire to take sides. I just look forward to seeing both of you tell us that you're reasonably healed and feeling well.

[breathing again]

Hi Fallen,

My god I read a few of your other posts and I could have sworn I had been writing them. I totally understand the trauma and the after-effects of the complete abandonment you went through and I think this is a part of these after affects. This closing down you are going through.

From personal experience, I can tell you one thing though (and you won't like it), your boys will know in you that you have shut down (even if you try and not show it to them). Don't teach them that anything in life can crush them so thoroughly as to give up hope. Show them that while we all can be so crushed by life, love, etc. that there is recovery from it and we do pursue (and believe in) happiness after all. They need to know that all the stages of grief need to be felt and lived through but in the end we are ready for happiness again.

[TheFallenShadow]

Thank you breath again,

 

i appreciate your candor, My boys, aye they are the only reasons i live right now...as for the rest,well, I guess i am one of those individuals that will not find the happiness you speak of....it tasted it briefly. once in my x wife and the other in my x that walked away from me....so i have religated myself into not wanting happiness and love, hence then i wont have to feel the range of emotions that go with it, i would rather stay numb, and unfeeling then to feel this kinda a pain again, nor allow myself to go through it again.

[Daddy Bear]

You're not numb. Your poetry obviates the fact that you feel very deeply, and I personally think that's a great thing. Don't hide your light under a basket! Someone good out there is searching for it even now; someone just as good as the women you've known. Yes, they're all over the place. Don't doubt it. Don't doubt yourself and what you have to offer. Your discouragement and bitterness and unwillingness to open up again represent a transitional phase that I recognize all too well. Expect it to end.

 

If you could look, say, one or two years into the future and see that you will find love again, wouldn't knowing that make you happy? I think it would, and I believe it will happen, but only when you put the past in its rightful place: behind you.

 

"Never, never, never give up," said Winston Churchill in October of 1941 as the Nazi war machine bore down on his people with full force.

 

And England remains free to this day.

 

Think. Fight. Believe.

 

Live. Laugh. Love.

 

For yourself, and for your sons.

[blueangel]

Wow. I can't believe how insensitive some people were to your post. I felt I could somewhat relate, and somewhat learned some things from it. It was rather beautiful. Sorry for people trying to bring you down, make you change. If this is who you thrive off being, stay that person, grow that person, but make sure to balances your outlook on things with rationality as well as emotions, because it gets to be in while reading what you write, a little unbelievable in how dramatic you think. But I think that way too much of the time honestly It's how we create meaning through the mundane.

[Daddy Bear]

Sorry for people trying to bring you down

 

Can you elaborate on this, angel? I'm so used to your posts making perfect sense to me that I'm actually a bit unnerved when I read through the entire thread and can't identify anyone seeking to bring OP down. Just the reverse, in fact, so... if you would, please.

[blueangel]

Can you elaborate on this, angel? I'm so used to your posts making perfect sense to me that I'm actually a bit unnerved when I read through the entire thread and can't identify anyone seeking to bring OP down. Just the reverse, in fact, so... if you would, please.

 

some posts felt harsh at first like whoever said "You need to get on with life, brother" to fallenshadow. i felt bad. But anyways, I have actually been harsh before on fallenshadow's posts. here's an example:

 

and I've noticed sometimes I wasn't the only one to do that in pertaining to his deep poetic posts. not everyone takes it seriously, like here when his intent was to give messages of good outlook despite an imperfect life and then I read that phrase "You need to get on with life, brother" I felt bad. I wondered if he felt a bit attacked, even though you gave some good advice. I was aware of the way he might have been taking all of that, as a bit harsher than intended, and tried to acknowledge that. I honestly like the way he is, though I think he is keeping himself in this place for comfort and familiarity- his sons will honeslty obtain more from their experince with him the day he chooses to seek happiess again. On another note, I kind of like his unwillingness to throw away any thought, any feeling he has towards life and himself- intensifying it, beautifying it to find his own truth, whether it be healthy for him or not, it makes him unique and that's what i pay attention to.

 

sorry if i offended you or unnerved you. maybe i did say that carelessly. no, i know i did. I'm sorry. I take that back. Everyone here did have some good things to say to him that I think he should listen to. I just didn't read into them enough.

[Daddy Bear]

I was the one who said that, and it certainly wasn't profound, but it was meant to preface other thoughts and born of a sincere desire to see OP finally haul himself completely out of the life-impeding funk I remember experiencing only too well. Had it been speech and not written word, the uncritical tone in which it was meant may have been more apparent. I'll try to be more watchful for things that sound callous when they're not intended to be.

 

Thanks for responding to my request that you expound; it wasn't that I felt unfairly attacked, but that I just wanted to see where you were coming from because you always post with such objective clarity and great kindness toward others.

[blueangel]

I was the one who said that, and it certainly wasn't profound, but it was meant to preface other thoughts and born of a sincere desire to see OP finally haul himself completely out of the life-impeding funk I remember experiencing only too well. Had it been speech and not written word, the uncritical tone in which it was meant may have been more apparent. I'll try to be more watchful for things that sound callous when they're not intended to be.

 

Thanks for responding to my request that you expound; it wasn't that I felt unfairly attacked, but that I just wanted to see where you were coming from because you always post with such objective clarity and great kindness toward others.

 

Yes, you are correct. When skimming, however, and coming accross that phrase, it appeared to blatantly otherwise. But as I said, I did not read into everything enough. You always say great things too, and if I was TheFallenShadow, I would take your advice. Straightforwardness is a very appealing quality, especially if used for good intent.

 

Actually, as I reread that post (well number one I was tired last night so skimming was more of my thing) I really really liked the things you said. That he was not thinking rational thoughts for a man of his potential.

 

And speaking of potential, TheFallenShadow, you obviously love to write and through this form, you express your emotions, this is a way that you deal with them which could be healthy. Even better, you have people here who see the flaws in your train of thoughts who want to help you. That is an extraordinary oppertunity for growth as a human being, by taking account what they say and beginning to apply it because there ARE still things to be happy about. I mean, do it for your sons then. Bring joy into your life for their sake. There are still things to do, a purposeful agenda for you to fulfill while you are here that does not include any aspect of selfishness or self preservaton- it includes selflessness, and maybe if you turn your perspective of your problems around, you could write to help others, or leave your greatest advice for your sons to someday read through your writing. Do it for them.

 

The greatest loves come when you stop looking for one type of it, and open your eyes to every type around you, more than just romantic. There is love of sons, of people passing by, of the night sky, of memories which you can always use to comfort yourself with, and love of writing, love of this forum of course, of wilderness, of traveling, of hobbies, of reading books and watching movies, of exercising and more. Get lost in the other loves, and you wont suffer as much from your lack of the romantic type. And you really dont know what will happen with that. The great thing about people and life is that tomorrow, one thing could change or everything. I'd say be the one to make it happen, and you'll bring happier meaning to your life again. Good luck to you, TheFallenShadow. To me, you're not fallen, just a light searching for his truth.

 

And i'm glad you've stopped caring what others think. That is one great step, but don't stop there!

[blueangel]

hehe my dad says that in his thirties, he thought differently than he did in his twenties. And in his forties, he thought differently than he did in his thirties. And now in his fifties, he thinks differently than he did in his forties. He says people always are changing, at least him, and that such change should be sought after, welcomed. This man has had three different marriages fail, and his kids from his first marriage dont talk to him anymore. I'm from his second marriage. His third marriage, his wife died of brain cancer. He's in his fourth marriage now, newly, and it's another starting over.

 

I'm not saying his pain is worse than yours, because I think every little pain is felt fully by the individual, and is supposed to connect all of us in humbleness, in humanness. My dad's only reason now for living is me, as yours is for your sons, but still, I look at my dad and see him unhappy. As I worry about my daddy, your sons may someday do the same and its such turmoil, let me tell you because children have a way of rationalizing things to be somewhat their fault. My dad doesn't have a lot to talk about anymore but relies on me to do all the talking- THAT is pressure. But we did have one good day together, saturday. We rode on a motorcycle together, then went to Marine State Park to rent a boat and ride around, went to Taco Bell afterward and just spent the day doing things on a whim. It made me happy to see him happier that day. A lot of him has died inside since I was little, his enthusiam for life and so on. If he chose to be happy, at least for my sake, days like this would happen less rarely. He's missing out on moments with me by seeing no more meaning in his life, living mainly in his pain, being lost in his head, stern all the time, depressed...even if he's sitting right next to me. So remember that. :smile:

__________________

[TheFallenShadow]

Angel, and Bloke

 

both i do thank you for your kind insight...

My sons are what i draw joy from now, as for the rest, well it will die, as i have inside, and i will cover it with the cold, callous non emotional state that i was in before i met her. it is how i have lived for many years, and it is what i shall return to...my sons, will be busy with there lives within the next year or so. they will graduate and go off on there own...taking with them the best that i could give them..no, i do not envision myself with anyone or being in love in the years to come, i have given up hope that it exists, as for happiness, i find that only in sparce moments...I will improvise, adapt and overcome the turbulent raod i have been on the last few years, and return to the comfort of the shadows and pain...for atleast they are constant, and won't turn thier backs on me...so these will be my constant companions...for they are the only ones that i have truly known

[blueangel]

I would not want to live my life, no matter what happens to me (and trust me, there's been a lot of tragedies and traumatic events) with that attitude. You will just suffer.

 

My stepmom has died, stepbrother then taken away but I perservered.

I lost my mind because of pills I was on that made me hallucinate her haunting me, angry with me.

I spent most of my childhood being harassed by other girls.

My two best friends were killed in a car crash.

I've lost whole groups of friends at a time.

My homelife is full of violence and tension.

I've had my heart broken many times.

I was assaulted when I was younger.

 

But I still reach out to stay connected to my little exstepbrother, sending him gifts of hope and more.

I still smile at people when I talk to them, and motivate myself to be the best person I can be- creating happiness in the lives of others as well as myself.

My father is silent with me, and my stepfather is emotionally abusive.

 

I have an unclear future, almost no friends, a sweaty serving job that's fast paced and I must balance with loads of homework for all the advanced classes I'm taking, college level ones in highschool.

 

But I want to create light out of darkness in my life, in more than one way. I've learned to keep my heart open through instability all my life and dark trauma. I for one want to use my writing to reach the world, to guide people. I've looked at what's bigger than me, and decided to grow myself to it.

 

Because the toughest lesson in life to learn is to keep yourself lifted, and through all the hard times Ive been through, breakdowns, conflicts, abuse, death of loved ones, to find your own meaning, and you learn that meaning is more than just yourself. the world needs much help, and many places need the touch of love, many people.

 

When I feel suffering, which in great amounts I do, I close my eyes and try to look at the suffering as though it wasn't a part of me, but something happening to my soul, a condition of no certain permanence. And i imagine the light that will take it's place, as long I strive to be my own light in the dark world around me. And I have been very unhappy along this road, but do I stop seeking joy? Do I stop laughing at my mistakes through the journey? do I grow bitter when I cry over those I've lost? Never. that is my life philosophy, because I realize how I react to a situation is the importance of it.

 

You should read books by holocaust survivors, like Elie Wiesel or Viktor Frankl and then maybe you will open your eyes to seeing past yourself, past your past, past your shortcomings, and your attitude about everything now. It's ignorant, even silly.

 

lol funny how I ended as the harsh one, slightly

[blueangel]

Come now, do you really think this is who you are meant to be? You dont care what others think, enjoy simplicity and isolation except for your two kids...all right, doesn't sound like an awful life, but it's your inner life that is in pain. You don't really want to turn cold do you? You'll become like the rest of them, all the other people who make that same choice and it never turns out as they expected, trying not to care about what happens in life. It only makes it harder when you add a negative attitude to a negative situation, or one less than full of happiness.

 

Most lives are not full of happiness, but people can learn to balance the happiness with the pain. You can either inspire yourself and enjoy all aspects of life, or go darker into the depths of your mind - there is no end to the latter. It's you who has to make a change of mind, of heart to find your way again, and if all you think about is love unfulfilled or your love left dead, then you'll always be miserable. Your kids will learn to deal with things the same way as you, whether you intentionalize they do or not. It happens more than parents realize.

 

I suggest some therapy, or at least more rationality let into your life and the way you deal with things. A lot of people make the choice that you want to make now, to be cold and isolated in pain. Many walk around that way, but there's a saying in some prisons that goes "Use your time, dont let your time use you" and that's what you should be doing- using your time to understand who you are, what has happened and how to let go. You will find ways to if you seek it, but for now, this existence as it is must hurt A LOT. You change that ya know.

[TheFallenShadow]

I have become, that which i have always been, only did i Fall, when i did not reign in my emotions, and i let myself go....and i did fall hard, fast....it was wild, wonderful, exquisite...but as i have always know, it would not last, and i let myself be fooled for a short time, in to believeing that i could again find that happiness in my life. It is my time to go back to being the warrior and not the poet.

[blueangel]

I have become, that which i have always been, only did i Fall, when i did not reign in my emotions, and i let myself go....and i did fall hard, fast....it was wild, wonderful, exquisite...but as i have always know, it would not last, and i let myself be fooled for a short time, in to believeing that i could again find that happiness in my life. It is my time to go back to being the warrior and not the poet.

 

Well whatever you choose to do, do so rationally. I believe in the person you are and all of your potential

[TheFallenShadow]

Aye, but some of my choices have not been my own to make, and so, as it is, i adapt to what i must. and will get by as i have always done. For "i stand alone."

[LoveLovelove10]

Here you seem to point the finger of blame at your ex and make her wholly responsible for the demise of your relationship; and am I correct in assuming that you would like for her to read this? I'm puzzled, because elsewhere in your post you tell us that you still love her. There seems to be a lack of continuity between your two thoughts, and I have to question whether this apparent dual mindset will lead to peace within yourself and between the two of you.

 

Love is forgiveness. Love is undemanding. Love is letting go. May this be your next great epiphany.

 

Keep standing, TFS. Your resolve to hold up after a sad and life-changing event is no doubt inspiring to many.

 

WOW....I was ready to write a comment and this is exactly what I was thinking. You are exactly right....love is forgiveness and complete understanding of anything that happens in a relationship. If things are meant to be they will BE and if they don't happen, they don't. If you do everything through love with no condition....and just tell how you feel all the time with love and understanding, you do all you can and if it still doesn't work out....well there should be no regrets because you lived in complete love with no reservations and thats all you can do.