After 5.5 Months of NC I Still Get Angry Feelings...Is this Normal?

[mushmouth]

I'm 5.5 months into a break up where I felt really really burned. There is a longer story but she left me upon meeting another guy. Jumped right into the relationship and let him move in eventhought she professed her love for me. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Its happened to a lot us so I'm not being dismissive. Just recognizing there is a pattern.

 

NC has helped a lot. So has working on myself. And so has venting on this board and also getting great feedback (THANK YOU ALL).

 

So, its now 5.5 months into NC and I find that when I stick to a routine of working out and being positive, everything is okay. But when I push myself to do more for myself like waking up up early to work out more, the anger towards her comes back. Is the remedy here just to relax a lot more and get more sleep?

 

I believe there is still a hurdle I need to get past. I still want some kind of vengence which I know is ultimately unhealthy. The most important thing is to let this go and to a large extent, I have. In fact, I've found real joy in being single and really don't want another relationship with someone so immature again. Thus, I am kind of enjoying that peace of mind. However, since I feel this young woman burned me, I keep getting angry at her. Is it possible I am really just very angry at myself for putting myself out there for someone who clearly wasn't my equal?

 

Any advise on how to shed the angry moments or how to fully let go would be helpful.

 

Thanks in advance.

[freudj2000]

Similar story, I am still very angry after 4.5 months for being left for another guy. I don't know if it is normal but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

[Nixee]

My b/f left me for another woman, and now, over 9 months later, and even though I'm in a new relationship myself, I still wake up angry sometimes. I think.... at least I hope, that it just takes more time. Its really hard to get past feeling betrayed and humiliated like that.

 

But it sounds like you are being smart about it and doing right by yourself. Just hang in there!

[andy5128]

Anger is a good emotion at times, it helps you think with a clear head which I am sure you have been doing..

 

It will pass 5.5 months seems like a long time but I dont think it is too long if you really put your heart and soul into the relationship..

 

You will feel healed when the anger passes and you feel more at peace with yourself and simply wish her well with her life and I am sure that will come give it time..

 

Hang in there and yeah it's quite normal!!

 

Andy

[papalazarou]

When my ex wife had an affair it would be fair to say I was angry for a good 18 months.

[LostInTransition]

After break up I felt sad rather than angry, eventhough she had also gone dating right away with another guy and had lied to me about it several times. Anger is not a sane feeling to have, but you can find a use to it as it will prevent you from breaking NC as you always keep in mind how much she hurt you and how she wasn't acting correctly towards you. As I feel no more anger sometimes, when only the good times in the relation come into my mind, I feel tempted to call her o text her, which is useless. So try to move over the anger but keep in mind what happened, the reallity of the break up because sometimes the opposite feeling is not helpfull either.

[beebee]

im not the one to talk to about this mush... im still pissed... its been a long time and other then me driving from new jersey to maryland and pouring white paint on his little "barbie car", im not doing so well... and NO! enotaloners, im NOT going to do this in case any of you think i might... lol... youd have to knock me out and lock me in the trunk of your car before i ever go to maryland again...

 

i think i feel like you do... im more angry at myself...

 

God bless... beebee

[TXStar7128]

I'm still angry too...he didn't leave me for someone else (at least not that I know of), but he lied, got caught, and then was the one that got to walk. It makes me so angry to see everything he did that was so, so wrong, and that he gets to make the choice to walk, and basically walks away scot-free, like nothing happened at all. It really, really makes me mad Everyone keeps telling me if I think he walked away free from this, then I am wrong, because he clearly wanted the relationship to work, and he's most assuredly having a really, really hard time losing me because of his actions, but I'm not sure I can ever fully believe this. So, what I am trying to say is, I understand, I think your completely normal in feeling this way. I think, to a certain extent, everytime I think about what happened, even 20 years from now, it will make me angry. Im just hoping the actual thinking about it part gets less and less...

[Up and Down]

Anger is normal in the grieveing process and it will come and go at different times and the frequency will change the closer you get to acceptance. I still have my angry moments, its good at times, I don't know that it gets you to think with a clear head but I do write these thoughts out on paper. You should try it, I am not much of a writer but I have found that writing these angry thoughts down does make me feel better. I guess its like yelling on paper, but at least you get them out of your head rather than having them stuck in there. Or I find talking to a good friend helps when it comes to anger. However I don't want to belabour my friends too much so I am looking into personal counseling which I think is good. I find that I have a certain calm about me after I have a good rant.

 

You could always write your feelings here on ENA. I think there is a post here about things you wanted to say to your ex but didn't. A lot of people posted and it made them feel a lot better. I wouldn't hold your anger in, with time, it will subside.

[tomtommyboy]

Hmm...still fairly angry after 7 months. I hate it in a way because it means she still matter to me - which makes me even more angry lol!

 

We're all getting there though, even if it's a little slower than we want sometimes.

[benga]

I hope you find this useful. I had posted a thread on this earlier as well. I hope this is helpful.

 

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Something I wanted to share with all of you.. You will find yourself somewhere here..... So do share your feelings, thoughts and emotions.

 

 

Denial is the first phase. You do not want to face the reality that s/he's gone, that s/he rejected you, or that s/he's done something awful to provoke you to break up with him/her. You are in emotional shock. You may even feel numb.

 

It's important during the stage of denial to try and cope with reality. If you pretend everything is still the same and pursue a wo/man you just broke up with, you may end up feeling even more hurt and humiliated. This is a good time to turn to your support system for help in facing the truth and reality of the situation.

 

Anger is the second stage. You are facing reality now and feeling enraged at him/her for betraying you, hurting you, abandoning you. Unresolved anger at others who have hurt you in the past (parents, ex-girl/boyfriends) may remerge now.

 

However, it's important to work through your anger without contacting your ex. Don't use your anger as an excuse to confront your ex, tell him/her off, or even worse become violent. Acting out your anger with your ex won't help the situation. In fact it might make it worse. Most people don't respond well to aggressive confrontation, so you probably won't get the response that you're looking for. You may feel better momentarily but his/her response to your anger could result in your feeling more hurt, abandoned, or angry. Instead share your feelings of anger with members of your support system. You can also work through your anger by working out, sports, writing, or other creative activities.

 

The third stage is depression and despair. This is the most difficult stage The excitement and drama of the breakup is over and you're left with the emptiness of the loss. Any past abandonments you may have struggled with , which you might have also experienced in the anger stage could come up for you now which could contribute to you feelings of sadness and depression. This can be a painful time for you but it is necessary for you to go through this stage in order to move on to a new relationship. If you stay in denial you will remain haunted by your past. However if you're feeling so depressed that you are having difficulties functioning (you stop working, eating, sleeping) you might be clinically depressed and it may be necessary for you to consult a medical doctor or psychiatrist.

 

Again, it is important that you Don't Call That Wo/Man! during this stage. This is a difficult and vulnerable time for you and you cannot take the risk of his/her acting distant or rejecting because it could cause you to feel even more abandoned leading to further depression and despair. This is an especially important time to call on your support system for emotional nurturing. Try and be self comforting while you bite the bullet and struggle through the pain. Although this stage may feel overwhelming remember that time heals all wounds and your feelings of sadness and despair will come to an end. You will eventually move to the next stage of acceptance.

 

Acceptance is the final stage. You begin to pull your life back together again. You're not so preoccupied with your ex anymore. You start thinking about new wo/men and you want to start dating. This can be a tricky time though because you may want to call him/her just to show him/her you're over him/her. But don't give in and call because you may not get the response you want and then you'll feel let down and disappointed. Or worse your old feelings for him/her may resurface and then you're in a setback and you'll have to start mourning him/her all over again!!!

 

Another important part of the mourning and grieving process is feeling ALL your feelings, including the good ones. Don't be ashamed of having loving, romantic feelings towards your ex even though the relationship is over or s/he has really hurt you. This is only natural. There were qualities about him/her that you loved or enjoyed, or you would never have gotten involved or fallen in love with him/her.

 

You must also yearn and long for your ex. Don't be ashamed. These are just feelings — you are not acting them out, you are feeling them.

 

Gratitude is another feeling you may need to express. You may be holding on to the relationship because you feel grateful about something s/he did for you.

 

You may even experience feelings of envy toward your ex. S/he may have some quality you admire and wish you had.

 

You will undoubtedly feel anger and rage at your ex for abandoning you, treating you unfairly, betraying, rejecting, or abusing you. Working through these feelings and not allowing them to take over is paramount to getting over him/her.

 

The key to this process is NOT to call him/her even when you are feeling such powerful feelings. You must use this time to emotionally distance and disconnect from him/her. If you call him/her to express and share your feelings, and s/he doesn't appreciate what you are going through, rejects or emotionally dismisses you, you will feel a hundred times worse. This will contaminate the healing process and the hard work you have done to mourn and let go of him/her.

 

Instead, share these feeling with someone else — a therapist, supportive friend, or support group. Make sure it's someone you feel safe with. Having a witness to this experience of love, pain, sadness, and yearning makes the process of letting go more meaningful. However, there may be times when there will be no one available to share these powerful feelings with — you will have to feel them by yourself. When it hits in the middle of night, you can't call people and wake them at four in morning (unless you have incredibly understanding friends!). Instead, you can cry by yourself. You can develop the skills of soothing and nurturing yourself....

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Don't worry.. You will be fine...

 

Cheers to life

[Murasaki]

Things are probably hard for you because you feel that you got burned without any type of recourse. But what I've found is that no matter how bad you feel, trying to do anything outside of NC will probably make you feel worse. I think that every day you put one foot in front of another is a big step because you reduce your ex's power in your life and you become a stronger person. It's pretty impossible to just forget or stop thinking about what happened to you, but time is a very powerful treatment and I'm sure things will get better for you, even if they seem to get worse on-and-off. Hang in there, you have a 24-hour support group!

[beebee]

thanks benga... i needed that...

 

God bless... beebee

[onatalie]

Yep I felt the anger. I am realising it's because because I felt 'entitled' to have a wonderful relationship as I'd been single for YEARS, had some tough knocks and all my friends said I deserved him / love. Not a good reason in hindsight!

[Pending]

We all feel this way at times I guess.

 

I'm also nearing the 5 month mark and there still is abit of anger left in me.

 

I have the good & bad luck of being physically away from my ex for 4 months.(2 weeks left to the school year when it happened). Can't shake this damn last bit of hope that upon seeing me after all of this time that somthing well happen. So athough your still angry after all of this time be lucky thats the only emotion your having.