New Girlfriend Hates Men-Red Flag?

[Glenn_from_MA]

Hello everyone,

 

I am six months out of an emotionally abusive relationship and after dating for a little while have started a fledgling relationship with a new woman. I must admit I am a bit skittish after my previous bad relationship but am doing my best to not consciously compare her to my abusive ex.

 

Here's my concern. My new potential girlfriend has mentioned to me a few times now that she doesn't trust men and men are inherrently bad; but then she's quick to add: "except for you".

 

This has honestly caused my red-flag detector to go on "red alert".

 

I'd appreciate what others think about this. Am I being to sensitive based on my prior experience?

 

THANKS!

 

Glenn

[vinnee]

I'd appreciate what others think about this. Am I being to sensitive based on my prior experience?

 

THANKS!

 

Glenn

 

Hard to say; what form of abuse did you receive from your ex?

[Dako]

If she's serious, I'd feel like a minority at a Klan rally.

[Glenn_from_MA]

Hard to say; what form of abuse did you receive from your ex?

 

My ex-girlfriend was emotionally abusive: constantly criticizing me, telling me she loved me and then a couple days later breaking up with me, then pursuing me until I took her back. She also used to send me naked pictures of herself, naughty cards and emails, etc... telling me what we were going to do the next time we were together. Then when I was with her and we started to become intimate she would freak out, panic, tell me I was objectifying her, etc... etc... Anytime we did ultimately have sex she would break up with me a few days later typically in an email where she completely character assassinated me. It was awful. As they say: you get in a bad pattern where you cling to the good times and try to minimize the bad. I'm now trying a) not to do that but also b) not to focus too much on the bad.

[Glenn_from_MA]

If she's serious, I'd feel like a minority at a Klan rally.

 

ROFL! Honestly that is sort of what it feels like! My therapist put it this way: "she sounds like Hitler telling me that he hates all Jews, except me..." Of course that completely creaped me out! My therapist is Jewish...

[melrich]

Yeah I think it's a red flag. People who say things like that, "I hate all men", "I'll never get married", "There's no one out there for me"....those sort of broadbrush statements, if they really mean them they lack emotional maturity, the ability to see alternative circumstances.

 

If you can't see alternative circumstances you are not a coper (it's circular). Wait for her to grow up.

[Glenn_from_MA]

If you can't see alternative circumstances you are not a coper (it's circular). Wait for her to grow up.

 

She's 45... somehow I don't think growing up is going to happen

[melrich]

She's 45... somehow I don't think growing up is going to happen

 

I think you are right.

[jenny_mcs]

I can't imagine dating a man who said he hates all women, women are evil, etc---(except for me).

 

No way. It's a recipe for disaster.

 

I use this as a rule of thumb: My significant other will treat me in the same manner in which they treat the other people in their life. So, if someone is rude and critical to co-workers, family members, waitstaff, etc., I know that once the glow wears off and we settle in for the long haul, that's how I will be treated.

 

Using this rule of thumb, if I starting dating someone who was critical and mistrustful of women, I would expect that once the "new-ness" of the relationship wore off, and he had discovered that I had faults, he would start treating me like all other women- criticizing me, making generalizations, expecting the worst, not trusting.

[shes2smart]

Here's my concern. My new potential girlfriend has mentioned to me a few times now that she doesn't trust men and men are inherrently bad; but then she's quick to add: "except for you".

 

...and then there's the unspoken part after that "except for you"...which I'm guessin' might go a little bit like:

 

"until you do something to prove you're just like the rest of them."

 

Unless you like walking on eggshells, probably best to not get too serious with this lady.

 

This has honestly caused my red-flag detector to go on "red alert".

 

I would see this as a very good sign. It says to me that you are learning to spot things that indicate someone would not be a healthy partner. Good for you!

[lunatic]

My advice is:

 

RUN FOR THE HILLS! GET OUT OF THERE NOW!!!!!!

[BornToResist]

...and then there's the unspoken part after that "except for you"...which I'm guessin' might go a little bit like:

 

"until you do something to prove you're just like the rest of them."

 

Unless you like walking on eggshells, probably best to not get too serious with this lady.

 

I would see this as a very good sign. It says to me that you are learning to spot things that indicate someone would not be a healthy partner. Good for you!

 

This is exactly what I was going to say.

 

I could see you messing up once and then her saying "I KNEW it" or something along the lines about how she never should have trusted you, you're like all the rest, etc.

 

It sounds as though she's just waiting to be disappointed again.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah. It is. And they seem to do it as though they are confiding in you, eh? Let me share a little secret. You're spe-c-ial.

 

You almost feel like a traitor for listening to it. A traitor to yourself.

 

And it's so ridiculous, it leaves you stunned and wondering "well, what in the world can I say to that?!"

 

There is nothing to say that is worth it. It's a stab. You can take it and preen their feathers as they jab it in, or you can laugh, or you can fight, or you can walk away.

 

Even weirder is when they don't realize that you are one of them. muhaha. Surprise!

[Shin kensen]

Not meaning to go against the flow... but are you sure she MEANT what she SAID?

 

Because sometimes we say things we don't mean, so maybe she was just having (although more than once), one of these girly moments where they're like "omg I hate men, they're all dogs", but really deep down, they've had a bad past. So what have her past relationships been like?

[Glenn_from_MA]

Not meaning to go against the flow... but are you sure she MEANT what she SAID?

 

Because sometimes we say things we don't mean, so maybe she was just having (although more than once), one of these girly moments where they're like "omg I hate men, they're all dogs", but really deep down, they've had a bad past. So what have her past relationships been like?

 

I actually questioned her about it the first couple times she said it, telling her not all men are bad. And she basically told me I was being naieve... She was married for a long time to one man who spent tons of money on her (very wealthy). According to her she just didn't love him. SO - she divorced him and now gets a frightening amount of alimony.... (>100K per year).

[Aurian]

So if all men are bad...

 

And you are a man...

 

You = bad.

 

thereforeeee, she is going to treat you like you are bad as well.

 

Best not go looking for trouble and find someone who likes men and loves you.

[RayKay]

Um, yeah, I would take this as a red flag. First time you "let her down" (because though we don't do it intentionally, at some point we all do.....and at some point reality bursts her bubble) I would not be surprised if her first thought was "of course I should not have trusted you...you are man". Or something along those lines.

 

My boyfriend dated a woman once briefly before me whom hated men. It was a horrible relationship in the sense she felt he was a creep for wanting sex (that was "degrading") and a bunch of other things. My boyfriend is a very compassionate, intelligent, socially progressive and wonderful man...and he felt he was not respected by her simply as he had a penis.

 

Believe me, not a situation you want to get involved in. If she hates men, at some point she is going to turn that towards you. What happens if she has children with you, and sons - do you want them to grow up with that attitude?

 

She'll use you until you prove her theory "men are bad" (which won't be hard because I suspect she has images of perfection for you to uphold...) and then there will be hell to pay.

[RayKay]

I also wonder why she bothers dating men if she "hates all men" to be honest.

 

I love and respect men greatly. There are definitely some bad apples - there are also some bad apples of the female gender though too. I cannot imagine ever having such a lowly opinion of a group of people yet still continue to date them!n Nor can you have a healthy relationship with that attitude.

 

She sounds seriously messed up.

[ghost69]

she was probably just explaining that she is a cautious type about trusting men again. she has probably been hurt one too many times. i don't think it's much of a red flag. i always say, yes always, 'most women are crazy'. and it is very true. but do i still date women? of course.

[Shin kensen]

I actually questioned her about it the first couple times she said it, telling her not all men are bad. And she basically told me I was being naieve... She was married for a long time to one man who spent tons of money on her (very wealthy). According to her she just didn't love him. SO - she divorced him and now gets a frightening amount of alimony.... (>100K per year).

 

And what if you play along and agree with her? After all she has said that she trusted you, of course I don't know in what context.

 

I'm just saying because agreeing with you any old schmuck can do.

 

Have you asked her why she doesn't trust any other men except for you?

[itsallgrand]

I actually questioned her about it the first couple times she said it, telling her not all men are bad. And she basically told me I was being naieve... She was married for a long time to one man who spent tons of money on her (very wealthy). According to her she just didn't love him. SO - she divorced him and now gets a frightening amount of alimony.... (>100K per year).

 

So she doesn't take responsibility for herself.

 

She used him, stayed in the marriage for the money, and now is suspicious of other men because she likes to use men.

 

Can't trust men because she manipulates them, and if they can be manipulated they must be stupid and weak and only be doing it for sex.

 

Oy. Very nice.

[servedcold]

I actually questioned her about it the first couple times she said it, telling her not all men are bad. And she basically told me I was being naieve... She was married for a long time to one man who spent tons of money on her (very wealthy). According to her she just didn't love him. SO - she divorced him and now gets a frightening amount of alimony.... (>100K per year).

 

Run run run away, do not walk, put her to the curb, NOW, before your feelings deepen for this woman. Been there, done that. Starts with little comments, digs and generalities like this. A rule of thumb, put the shoe on the other foot. If you were making general comments like this, how would she react?

 

I dated a woman once with an abusive, man-hating mother. The mother had a great setup with a wealthy, intelligent, accomplished, super-cool guy, yet she ran him into the ground constantly, even in front of other people and strangers. She used sex as a control mechanism, took pride in keeping him in check. Her attitudes had totally infected her daughters, specifically my GF. The attitude surfaced during the early honeymoon period of our relationship with little "innocuous" digs, and a little later, the control games started. After we broke up, with no reason to conceal any more, the shrew's true colors came out and boy they weren't pretty colors. Total acid and bile. Indicators like those you are experiencing are rarely unreliable in determining future behavior. Best wishes.

[Gratsy]

It depends on the person. Some people say that because they were hurt in the past but it doesn't mean you should throw them out...you could show her something different. If you don't want to deal with any possible baggage, then by all means break anything off.

[shes2smart]

If you're inclined to use the "she's had some bad experiences/bad past" excuse to cut her a break, I think that's a bad idea.

 

If she has had some bad relationships, then it's HER responsibility to get that sorted out and straightened out for herself...preferably before she starts dating again.

 

Trying to be someone's therapist and significant other is a recipe for disaster.

 

In the search for a healthy, compatible partner, taking on a "fixer-upper" is generally a mistake.

[Gratsy]

I disagree. People can profoundly influence other people in both destructive and positive ways. There is nothing wrong with helping someone ... one day you might need them to do the same.