Not sure what to do anymore...

[Owlet]

My boyfriend and I just celebrated our three year anniversary together. He's 28, I'm 23 and we've always gotten along very, very well.

 

After a year together, we started talking about moving in together. I got myself financially situated to move out and started casually looking for places that we could afford. He, however, kept giving excuses as to why he couldn't move out yet - said he really did, but just couldn't right now. I dropped it and told him I didn't want to push him to do something he wasn't ready for.

 

But a few weeks ago, he dropped two bombshells on me that left me feeling lost. One was that he doesn't want children. Now, I'm not ready for children yet but I do want to have them eventually. He's known this about me since day one and I was really upset that he waited until now to tell me.

 

Two, he doesn't believe in marriage. He called it an "inane and outdated tradition that, based on the country's recent trend, obviously doesn't work out anyway."

 

Right now, I'm feeling just down. He knew how I felt about marriage and kids but waited three years to tell me his opinions. The self-doubt is creeping in and I'm wondering if he's just saying this as a way to get out. I asked him the other day and he denied it up and down, saying he loves me and wants to be with me.

 

But here's my dilemma: I love the man. Very much. But I'm not willing to give up my dream of marriage/kids. So unless he changes his mind, we're not going to work out. Do I stay with him? Do I call it quits now?

 

Is it selfish to stay with someone who you know won't work out with in the end?

 

Any suggestions or advice is greatly appreciated right now.

[RayKay]

Hey Owlet,

 

Welcome to the forums.

 

I had a couple responses to this post; mainly as there are a couple issues here.

 

My first was, I too want to be married at some point, but even I sometimes look around me and wonder if people really value it anymore. For me, I feel committment with my partner whether we are married or not, you know? I would rather be with HIM, committed and happily unmarried than married just to be married to someone else.

 

Sometimes it is hard not to sour on marriage when I see so many fail; while I see so many whom choose not to get married thriving years, and years on (my parents (mother & stepfather) for example have been together almost 22 years never married by choice), and several friends whom have been together in their relationships 5, 8, 10, 15 years never married and are very happy. I can see why he may suddenly feel this way if he has just "seen" more lately with divorce and broken marriages.

 

Don't get me wrong, I fully believe marriage is a wonderful thing when BOTH are committed to it, but it does not MAKE that commitment happen, and it does not guarantee happiness as a couple either. In that sense, I do understand his idea of it feeling outdated/archaic as it does go back to a time when the dynamics were very different.

 

However, I respect you do want to get married - and so do I - but I think his reaction can be normal. I would take advantage of his comments and sit down and ask him why he feels that way, and how he thinks that "trend" can be turned around...and let him know that if you married him, you would give your 100% to buck that trend (actually, more recent stats have shown divorce may be declining slightly....which I thought was interesting!).

 

As for the children - that is another matter. Again, I would find out why he has decided he does not want children, but if he is adamant against them, that is something I don't think you can work with. For me, that is a dealbreaker as one partner will be bound to feel resentment if they must bow the other way to please their partner.

 

If marriage and children really are important, and he is saying he does not want either - then yes, I think you have reached an impasse and you need to walk so you can both find people whom share more similar goals and beliefs.

[Lana0120]

It isn't selfish at all. It seems to me that he has been the selfish one here - if you'd known his views at an earlier date, who knows, perhaps you wouldn't be with him today. Overall, I agree with RayKay - if you talk this out and point out the above suggestions about marriage and find out why he doesn't want to have kids, maybe you can sort things out. Good luck!

[ghost69]

i agree with raykay. i like the concept of marriage. but it's almost like a myth to me these days. so many of my friends have gotten married and say 'oh we are so in love'. most of them have been divorced within 2 years if not a year. why? they weren't in love, or this happened, or that happened. i think you can be with a soulmate and not have to have a piece of paper to prove it. too many bad things come out of marriage these days.

 

and people change their minds about kids a lot too. sometimes i feel like i want kids, other times i'm like, i dunno.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I assume you are still not living together? It sounds to me that he just doesn't want to be tied down...he is not ready for any commitments. He was avoiding living with you, now he suddenly doesn't believe in marriage or children. I really don't think it is fair to say that he knew this all the way along...sometimes you feel one way and then a few years later you feel a different way. He could have seen certain things in the last few years that made him feel this way...for now at least. That doesn't mean he will feel that way forever. The mindset of a 23 year old can be vastly different from that of a 28 year old. In your twenties, you do a lot of growing and changing..which continues on as you get older. I have heard plenty of men in their twenties who say they don't want to get married and have children...and then suddenly 10 years later they are married with children. The question you have to ask yourself is if he is really committed to YOU. If you ask him, he will probably say of course he is...but this is not in the way you want commitment. You want solid commitment whereas he might just want a committed relationship strictly within the bounds of boyfriend-girlfriend without all the other responsibilities. You could wait until he might possibly catch up to your stage in life and feelings...that may work out the way you hope, but then again, you could spend years waiting and then when he is ready to marry, he finds someone else (I have certainly seen that happen before). It is a gamble.

 

In a situation like this, you really need to go with your gut. You can talk to him, but in the end, he will just be telling you just how he feels in the present day, which may not necessarily be what he will feel a year from now or 5 years from now.

[Konarmi]

Leave him.

 

Marriage and children are huge.

It's not like he likes peas and you like pickles.. this is a huge issue what won't get resolved.

[lovelyape]

I think, as someone else has mentioned, that his issue is probably more about committment than anything else. I would approach him about the living situation before the marriage or children. You can talk about them all in the same conversation, but make sure you let him know that you think all of the issues are connected to a committment issue.

 

Also, what is his current living situation? Does he live at home with his parents still, with roommmates, friends? Is he getting pressure from them to stay there? These things are important, too!