partner cheated with prostitutes for a very long time i feel like a fool

[bunny2007]

I have been living with my partner for seven years now, since our first son was born. I have two children with him. we had been dating for 4 years previously to this. we are both young im 27 and hes 28. I have never had a relationship with someone else or sex for that matter. I found out two months ago he has been sleeping with prostitutes for the past 2 and half years this in its self was shocking and disturbing enough. I also found out he slept with a girl at a party we went to a year ago. he disappeared for half an hour with this girl to her hotel room while i was still in the party. He has spent 1000's on hotels brothels, sex, and he even had a fling with a lapdancer and bought her flowers and wined and dined her with the familys money. but just when i thought things couldnt be any worse two days ago hes admitted he's never been faithful throughout the last 11 years of us being a couple. its been mostly hookers but some one night stands too. can anyone possibly understand how much of an idiot i feel right now. im feelin real physical pain inside. When i look back over the years I can now see that all this was staring me in the face but i never listened to my instincts. He always disrepected me in public and often would undermine me in front of my kids and other people. I look back now and i can see how controlling he was and how he manipulated me all the time. I suppose there were some good times but its all overshadowed by all his lies and manipulation. When he would disrepect me I would think well he loves me and is faithful so i cant really complain.

 

He has stripped so much of me away I dont even know who i am and what i do know i dont like. I feel like the biggest fool in the world. back in February I was in bad way mainly because he was breaking me down. nothing i did was good enough and he constantly made me feel like i had a problem and couldnt look at myself in the mirror. I seeked out a councillor thinking I was mad and thought he would be happy I was trying to get help. but after 5 sessions he started asking me to stop going because it was too much money and he was afraid This councillor would turn my mind against him. I thought this was odd. My councillor told me this was the worst case of self hatred he had seen in many years and the strangest part was i never mentioned my partner. only to say how wonderful he was and how * * * * i was.

 

I lived for him and my kids, I did everything for him I was his personal slave really, I never went out because when i did he would get so jealous and I thought this was because he loved me not because of his guilt. how stupid am I? I gave up my job as a dj part time because he put pressure on me saying he wanted to spend more time with me. It now turns out he screwed a girl where I worked and he was afraid someone there would tell me. its all so wicked what hes done. in 2002 we moved to london I left my mum and everything i knew in dublin to come here so that he could work. I have been very lonely as a mum in a city with two small kids and no support but I did it and made the most of it for him because I thought he loved me.

 

I kinda believe that he manipulated me so much and thats the reason i've been so blind. right now hes begging for another chance and says he wants to be the person he should always have been.

 

we've just moved into our dream home and what should be the happiest time of our lives is like a nightmare.

 

I FEEL I'VE GIVEN MY LIFE TO HIM AND SUDDENLY IT'S ALL BEEN FOR NOTHING. IM IN DISBELIEF OVER ALL THESE YEARS OF LIES AND BETRAYAL.

 

people have always complemented me on my looks and told him how lucky he is to have me. why would he do this. he's ruined my life.

 

thank you for reading I would like to hear your opinions.

 

I have given this person my whole life and its difficult to see myself without him.

[BornToResist]

Welcome to Enotalone.

 

Oh my goodness.

 

You have every right to feel the way you do. You were robbed, betrayed, and disrespected.

 

You are young though. You don't have to waste one more minute of your life on this man. If anyone must go through this (which noone should ever have to), at least you are doing it now rather than in another 5 years.

 

I'm so so so sorry. I really hope you get the help you need from this site, so many others have been in your shoes (unfortunately).

[Jen5283]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.

 

It does sound like you've been living a nightmare.

 

Throughout your post you talked about how bad he's treated you and how you've sacrificed your life for him.

 

I think it's time you started taking care of yourself.

 

What do YOU want?

[Papillion]

oh my god, the man's a pure b@stard.

[Ash]

Good heavens. Sadly, this sort of thing does happen and unfortunately seems to happen a lot to those that are trusting and simply don't deserve it.

 

In fact, he sounds an awful lot like my partner's ex husband. He was like this and for many years she didn't know. When she started to suspect, she decided to live with it. That only lasted for a few years then she realized that she had to get out. Now in looking back there are more and more things she's finding out about how poorly he treated their marriage in general.

 

With all those years of dishonesty a "second chance" is a meaningless request on his part. Had he wanted to change, or felt badly about things he would have changed by now. But he didn't, and he hasn't, and he won't.

 

Take control of your life again. Go talk to a lawyer and see what can be done to end things properly. Your life is far from ruined although you've suffered greatly. You can put things back together and have a happy future. Many people have done just that, you can too.

[fmjosie]

wow! I'm sure you've already been tested and you would have mentioned if he had given you something, so I'm almost glad to see that part not said!

 

Are you going to try and work through this? It almost sounded like he had an addiction!

[Lana0120]

You haven't wasted those years - you've got two wonderful children to show from that marriage. However, it is time to start thinking of yourself now and to get yourself some self-respect back. If he had been unfaithful or slept with prostitutes a few times, that would be awful, but maybe there could be some way back. However, the fact that he manipulated you and took risks so that he could get what he wanted, and that he doesn't seem to believe that this is a big problem means that it's highly unlikely that he will ever change. Additionally, the fact that he took you away from your home, strongly persuaded you to drop your part time job and criticised you show that he is controlling and has over time stripped away at your self-esteem and self worth. I would say that these are problems that you can't work through with him - he is one big problem. The best thing you can do for yourself is leave him and keep things amicable for the children, so they can have a relationship with their dad at least. I don't know what you will do, but whatever you do decide to do I am really sad that you have been treated like this and wish you luck for the future. *hugs*

[Konarmi]

I have too tell you as I was reading this I had to stand up and go for a walk. I was literally angry!

 

What a horrible thing to do to someone!

Never, ever doubt your instincts. It's the only common sense that exists when you're blinded by love!

[dazedconfused]

I was so sorry to read your post. How awful this time must be for you. I recently caught mine doing the same thing - we're together 15 years, and he's been doing it for the last 5 or so. I don't really have anything magical to say to make you feel better, I wish I did, but I can tell you from my experience, that you really should not make any rash decisions. Right now, you're feeling betrayed and angry and it will be a long time before you can trust him again. Maybe staying with him is not even an option at this point. For me, I had already visited a lawyer before I confronted him. "Luckily" my husband had been very "nice" to me throughout our marriage, ie. we did not have any issues of him putting me down, etc. It's only been 6 weeks since our confrontation, and I still haven't decided what to do, although he immediately went into therapy, and we're starting couple's therapy in Sept. A lot will depend on whether he is willing to tackle his issues and to change for the better. It will not be easy for him, or you, but you will be in a position to judge his sincerity. There will be people who tell you to immediately leave, and that was my initial response to my situation, and it still may be that in the end, but I am seeing a man who is actually making changes for the better, and while I'm not sure if it's sincere or long term, I am leaning towards finding out. I think you should both be tested, if you haven't already, and then let him talk, let him explain, let him tell you what he is going to do to make it better for you. He's going to have to do the hard work on this, and hopefully you will be able to judge whether he is sincere. If you leave, know that you will survive. I wish you strength to make the best decision for you and your child, whatever that decision may be.

[bunny2007]

Thank you all so much for your kind kind words and support.

This site has been a great help to me and I dont feel so alone and persecuted. 'dazed and confused' and 'tell the truth' Im so sorry to hear your feeling the level of pain I am feeling.

He's still doing and saying all the right things and we are going to start couples councilling shortly. Like you say I can only hope he is being sincere and over time he can prove himself. I know its going to be a long time before I can trust him again and some days its really difficult to see me ever being able to trust again. This makes me feel really sad. All I can do is take a chance really.

 

And you think you know someone! Think again!

[lynn123]

Hello, I am so sorry for what this creep is putting you through. But you have to know that he is the one with the problem, not you. Aren't you just sick of having to fix a man, stand by him while he figures himself out. I went to therapy with my first husband so he could control his behavior towards me. The counselor said "maybe he is just an * * * * * * *." Some people are just not nice quality people. When you were a little girl did you think "one day I want to grow up, be treated badly." Probably not. Life can and will go on when you believe that you deserve better. You will finally have an aha moment and give yourself permission to be happy. His promises at this point will not mean much. I know you still love him. But you need to be brave, take one day at a time, and break away. It will hurt. You will question yourself constantly. You will doubt yourself. But all of those feelings are temporary and will pass. Right now, the situation you are in is permanent (and unhappy). Have faith and go with the unknown. It will be a much more wonderful journey. I'll pray for you.

[Rabican]

My advice is to leave him instantly. And get a divorce lawyer, if he can spend that much on hookers, Im sure hes got some money. Make it yours. Squeeze his wallet for everything you are worth and take your kids with you.

[djkidrich]

My advice is to leave him instantly. And get a divorce lawyer, if he can spend that much on hookers, Im sure hes got some money. Make it yours. Squeeze his wallet for everything you are worth and take your kids with you.

 

What kind of answer is that??? She should try to resolve this matter, and do as she is doing. Counseling, communication, love, understanding on both sides to find out what lead to this and what can be done about preventing it from happening again. You sound bitter Rabican, keep it to yourself instead of spreading it to another relationship...

[Ash]

What kind of answer is that??? She should try to resolve this matter, and do as she is doing. Counseling, communication, love, understanding on both sides to find out what lead to this and what can be done about preventing it from happening again. You sound bitter Rabican, keep it to yourself instead of spreading it to another relationship...

 

And I suspect you need to retire your rose-coloured glasses and face that fact that some people are just not full of the goodness that we'd all like them to be. The question is not about what can be done to prevent this happening again, rather it's more of one about dealing with THIS specific situation. True, Rabican's advice might sound a tad blunt but there's nothing in it that I would take any difference to.

 

This sort of situation unfortunatley does happen and trying to salvage what you can financially of your life is a huge deal so you aren't left in any more a state of ruin than you need to be.

[Rabican]

What kind of answer is that??? She should try to resolve this matter, and do as she is doing. Counseling, communication, love, understanding on both sides to find out what lead to this and what can be done about preventing it from happening again. You sound bitter Rabican, keep it to yourself instead of spreading it to another relationship...

 

Its the kind of answer that says that if a man can swear his life to you before friends, family and god and then go and cheat with a bunch of hookers... well I dont consider him worth a second chance. Thats my opinion. ITs based on lots of factors, bitterness not one of them. The fact that he could put her health at such risk... you ever hear of aids? For petes sake he could KILL his wife with this behavior. Not to mention of mental anguish and coldheartedness that he dished out and for what? SO he could get laid?

 

Yeah, Im bitter Realistic more like it.

 

I dont think someone who can do THAT is likely to turn around on a dime and never do it again. Unless he had some life altering event that caused him to 'see the light' chances are in time itll happen again.

[littlestar]

If it was me i would not be giving him another chance

[djkidrich]

And I suspect you need to retire your rose-coloured glasses and face that fact that some people are just not full of the goodness that we'd all like them to be. The question is not about what can be done to prevent this happening again, rather it's more of one about dealing with THIS specific situation. True, Rabican's advice might sound a tad blunt but there's nothing in it that I would take any difference to.

 

This sort of situation unfortunatley does happen and trying to salvage what you can financially of your life is a huge deal so you aren't left in any more a state of ruin than you need to be.

 

Well thank God for rose colored glasses and, and who is totally full of goodness? Please tell me if you are, because there was only one man on earth who was, and if so welcome back

 

"THIS" specific situation was brought about by something, hence the "counseling" suggestion in my first post, to help get to the root of cause. It is a marriage, and something worth saving in my opinion

[Cimmie]

bunny2007, please don't give this man a 'second chance'. This is obviously a deeply ingrained pattern of behaviour with him. Think how lacking in conscience he is to be able to cheat and lie over such a long period of time, then go home to you and your children. And it's obviously not just the cheating, lying and manipulating. You mention he has disrespected you and put you down in front of people, and that your counsellor says you were the worst case of self-hatred he had ever seen.

 

What you need to do is get away from this man and start healing yourself. You need to believe that you CAN live successfully without him, and that you deserve better than having an abuser as a partner. He has put you and your children at grave risk with his behaviour, and you now need to start thinking of yourself and those children. Your partner, I suspect, probably has a serious personality disorder. People like that will promise you the sun, moon and stars when they are found out, but the bottom line is they are incapable of considering anyone else or putting anyone else first, even their own children.

 

Please, please get away from him, get into serious psychotherapy (it will take a long time to reverse the damage, to even be able to SEE the damage) and get a good lawyer.

 

I feel so so sorry that you have been living with someone like this. There are very bad people in the world, who know how to mask their badness. Staying with one of these people does us untold damage. Please don't believe him if he claims to be 'sorry' and to have reformed. If he cared about you or anyone else he would not have persisted in this behaviour.

 

Have you had yourself tested comprehensively at a sexual health clinic? If not, please do so immediately.

 

I would also plead with you to stay on ENA and post all you need to, and read the stories of other women who have been through this. There are several similar threads on here. If possible, contact a women's refuge or support group, or mention it to your doctor and ask their advice.

 

Please - just leave him.

 

xxxx

[bunny2007]

Hi Cimmie,

 

I appreciate your opinion however I wonder if you have substantial evidence to back up your theories, your basically saying some people are innately bad to the bone

I find this hard to believe and frankly i just don't believe this is true. Right now yes im in a vulnerable state and very confused over alot of things and when I read your post I felt it was very abrupt.

you don't seem to show any understanding and maybe you should realise that life is never as simple as we would all like and if it was people would have no need to write on sites such as these.

 

 

I don't want to be made feel bad for giving another human being a chance. I'm not naive and I realise I could be making a mistake and I'm prepared to take that chance. Anyway like I said I appreciate your honesty and opinions but I just don't think its fair to say a person can never change their ways im not saying I can change him he's got to want to. maybe your right and im wrong but I guess only time will tell.

 

Please let me know if you truly believe the things you have said I do find it interesting.

 

Ps: just to say, 5months ago before I found it all out I truly was a broken down person, I know in my heart I will never allow myself to be treated badly by anybody again so I do think every cloud has a silver lining and I have gained alot for my personal growth and strength from all this. I'm staying positive.

[djkidrich]

Good for you bunny, good luck to the both of you. He has got a great woman in his life, hope he wakes up and realizes it...

[Rabican]

Hi Cimmie,

 

I appreciate your opinion however I wonder if you have substantial evidence to back up your theories, your basically saying some people are innately bad to the bone

I find this hard to believe and frankly i just don't believe this is true.

 

Adolf Hitler

Pol Pot

Osama Bin Ladin

 

Yup, some people are just bad all the way to their core. Your hubby might not be BAD on the level of the above names. However, that doesnt mean he isnt bad.

 

I tend to believe that there are rights and wrongs, goods and evils. Not every action (a person cheating, a child molester, a murderer etc.) has to have a validation, or a reason for being, or something that caused it. Some people are just bad. Some people just cheat, Some people are just evil. For some people, its just in their nature to do the WRONG thing all the time. Hence your husband cheating on you god only knows how many times with hookers. Just as its in your nature NOT to do that sort of thing.

 

Its in your nature to want to see the good in everyone I guess. It will also be in his nature to take that same mentality and use it to walk all over you unless you wise up and realize that he isnt gonna change. Why would he? Has he done or shown anything to make you think he would?

[bunny2007]

God Rabican,

 

I totally get where your coming from all your examples of horrible people are true and exact. However take anyone of the above mentioned, just because they are what most would say 'pure evil' doesn't mean they couldn't of changed, people do bad things because they want to be bad and if they wanted to change who's to say they couldn't. I understand that people can get into a way of thinking or a pattern of behavior and there is always a reason behind a persons actions.

 

I'm not for a second saying that we should all find love and forgiveness in our hearts for the people you have mentioned because they are all pretty extreme examples you've given. But if there was no forgiveness in the world everyone would become eaten up with bitterness. There are of course such people and thankfully there are also a lot of forgiving people.

 

Getting back to my husband, of course he is showing me how he wants to change and says he never wants to be in such a dark place again. the last 4 months its been like living with completely different person, it feels nice because its like living with a completely new husband, the partner he should always have been. He's on his knees he's begging for another chance, I'm only human and I have compassion for others. maybe you just think I'm stupid and naive in your eyes I dunno.

 

Do you think for a minute that if he was saying and doing the things like before I would be even considering staying with him. and if I ever was made feel like before I would walk or even run maybe!

 

If he is trying to prove himself realising how awful the things he has done are who am I to say he can't change I am taking a chance but Im also living my life the way I want to now. Doing the things that make me happy and living for myself and my children and not just for him.

 

I won't be someones little puppet to play with anymore ever.

[dazedconfused]

Hi again Bunny2007. You're sounding stronger, and I'm happy to see that. You mentioned you're starting couple's therapy, and we just started too. With respect to whether someone can really change, or even whether it's worth you staying, I think if you have a good therapist, they can really help you with that. Mine initially started out by saying that just because she's a marriage counsellor doesn't mean she always advocates staying, she'll essentially help you get to a place where you either realize this person is committed to change, realizes what he was doing wrong, etc, or that this person is toxic and you're setting yourself up for heartache. It's probably still too fresh for you to make any long term decisions wholeheartedly. It's been 3 months and although I'm still here, there are days I wonder what I'm thinking. But, like your hubby, mine is making huge changes, and is gaining a lot of insight into why he was doing what he did. It doesn't make it right, I'm not excusing it, nor am I absolving him of responsibility, but people can learn from their mistakes. He's working hard, I feel like I'm stagnating and not moving forward with trusting him again. Time will tell. Marriages are complex, and sometimes partners can betray very deeply, and sometimes they can change and sometimes they are bad to the core. I saw a show on sexual addictions on discovery yesterday and one man did a total turnaround, and another woman lost relatinship after relationship because she couldn't control herself. I don't think anyone can truly understand your situation, the nature of your relationship, and even what kind of person you both are enough to tell you what to do. It's very easy to say dump him, I always said I would, and that was always the advice I gave others. I'm finding that it's harder to stay, even if my hubby has changed for the better for good. It all depends on the people involved. If you have a good therapist, you'll get some good insight into how to deal with your feelings, and what you're dealing with wrt him and hopefully you'll get some clarity for the future. good luck.

[girlpower24]

I want to tell you before you read this, that I am very familiar with this situation and with this type of men. And I will just tell you how things are from outside perspective. I am not telling you what to do, but I just want you to be aware of some things.

 

Ok I must say to you that those women and prostitutes that you know about are probably only few percent that you know about. I am very positive that you have no idea what the truth is and what he is really doing. I had few male friends and by hanging out with them I would meet some married guys that they hanged out with. Some of those guys were engaged and having orgies in hotels every weekend with different chicks.

 

I remember one of them had a wife and 2 kids, and came to a party. He hooked up with some chick at a party and had sex with her two hours later without protection.

 

I feel sorry for those women that are dealing with things like that because I know that being alone is wayyyyy wayyy better then being with a guy like that. Even if it takes 5 years to recover from something like this.

 

Some wifes -like you, did find out about those things and usually the guys would tell their friends how they need to lay low for some time and be goody goody, try to smooth out things. I remember one guy was good for 2 years. I didnt see him go out for 2 years. Then he started again. Had sex with two girls after a club, and then he went home. My friend even told me they went to strip bar and paid strippers few hundred bucks to have sex with them. He says they have sex with strippers all the time.

 

Most of those guys that are doing those things I noticed have married girls that were virgins. For a virgin it is hard to sleep with anyone else if she has only been with one guy her whole life. Those men live double standard life and have no respect for women. You always hear stories in marriages like this, how his wife is sick, has cancer and is having her uterus removed or something. This is usually due to Std's these girls get from these guys sleeping around. I am very familiar with this situation because my cousin got cancer from hpv that she got from her fiancee that she has been dating for 9 years. (she contracted about 40 types of Hpv types and she never slept with anyone else) !!!

 

I saw this before and I can bet my life on it,... these guys will never ever change!!! Because most of them told me their dads did the same thing and in a way they see it as a pride to do these things. I suggest that you get tested for std's every 6 months, because most likely is is not using the rubber either.

 

I hope you will not spend the rest of your life following him around, checking his phone and bills of money he spends and go through hell because of him. I know that's what those girls usually do. They just become bitter, lonely, angry and sad while they try to be with someone they already lost long time ago! And yes there is also the other side of it. You can try to forgive him and fix things. But you know that you will never be able to forget those things.

 

I am sorry you had to deal with this and you post made me cry because I know so many guys that do this to their wifes. I really wish I could help you and I am not judging you and I hope from the bottom of my heart that you will find your true hapiness!!!

[Rabican]

I dont think you are stupid for giving him another chance. I just wouldnt be surprised if you find out that hes cheating again. he cheated for years all the while you thought, and he pretended that everything was fine. The only difference now would be (if hes still cheating) that you have a heads up on his behavior... he would still be telling you, and acting like everything is fine. That said, he COULD change. Theres also a chance that he cant, and he wont. After all, he did cheat on you and Ill bet you would have never thought in a million years that he would do that before you caught him. So how would you know if he did it again? I personally wouldnt want to live with that doubt. If you can, again... more power to ya.

Ill say this, if he truly loved YOU he wouldnt have cheated in the first place. He might love your relationship, the kids, the comfort, the stability, the sex whatever.... but someone who loves YOU doesnt do what he did.

Also I think there are people who simply are not worth a second chance, and do not deserve forgiveness. If god wants to forgive say... Bin Ladin (just using him as an example... not comparing him to your husband) thats fine and dandy. For me... Ill write that guy off as a lost cause no matter what he does.