Would this make you angry?

[littlestar]

Being in a relationship with someone who works 7 days a week 12 - 13 hour days with no holiday EVER, no public holiday nothing.

Then they want to put a new product line into their business to "boost" it even more but this means even more time out of your relationship.

Would you consider it selfish for you to be not supportive of the idea?

And how would you react if your partner was telling for months that they werent sure if they were actually going to put the new product line in and behind your back with your parents actually went ahead and put the new line in without you having no idea.

 

You found out by walking into their shop as it was a huge surprise.

Is this the ultimate betrayl in your eyes?

Would it be enough to end the relationship?

[Tethys]

I hope I read this right because I sometimes get confused with hypothetical second person, so bear with me...

 

I DO think it's selfish, but not necessarily in a "bad" selfish way. If a relationship is going to work, people have to have couple-time together. I can understand one partner being unhappy if the other makes a choice that will mean even less time with him or her.

 

But, sometimes these things are necessary and can't be helped. For instance, I'm in school, trying to graduate, so I'm taking as many units as possible, even though it means significantly less time with my partner, who also has a hectic schedule.

 

I would not look at this automatically as meaning your SO does not care for you. (I would have to know more about your relationship to determine that.) And no, I don't think it is the "ultimate betrayal." (Cheating is the ultimate betrayal, in my opinion.)

 

I do understand that you feel your SO went behind your back and did not discuss this with you, even though you felt strongly about this issue. If this is enough to make you think you should end the relationship, you should think long and hard about it before saying anything. What are your partner's priorities in life right now? Are you one of them? What can you live with? How is the relationship otherwise?

 

Just some questions to think about before ending the relationship over this.

 

Best of luck!

[shes2smart]

Ultimate betrayal? That seems a little....dramatic to me.

 

Indications that the workaholic partner has a different set of priorities? Definitely.

 

If I was in that position, I'd have to take a long look at the history of the behavior -- have they always worked that much or is this something that's likely to be of limited duration -- and also evaluate what my priorities are.

 

If my priorities are having a relationship come first and wanting a partner who will do the same, and the other person is putting a relationship second or third or fourth or lower (and likely to continue doing so)...I'd have to leave. (Come to think of it, I have done exactly that in at least one previous relationship.)

 

Nothing wrong with working or wanting to build a business...but if that's a person's focus, they owe it to anyone they may become involved with to be upfront and honest about that.

 

I suppose the ideal situation for someone like that would be to find someone who would adopt the business goals as their own, so that both partners could work together toward building both their business and relationship at the same time. Doesn't sound like that's happening here, though.....

[Montana13]

Following Shes2Smart, I was wondering: even if you are in a relationship, you have to have other interests, or maybe a job. At what point can you say that the job is becoming first prioirty. Is there such a point or does it just depend on the individual relationship?

[ycmanvs]

I think it is ok to be passionate about your work. Some people may not want to tell others about their products until they become successful so as not to "jinx" the operation. That being said, I also believe that if you are in a relationship, your partner should have some idea of what is going on in your life....

[shes2smart]

Following Shes2Smart, I was wondering: even if you are in a relationship, you have to have other interests, or maybe a job. At what point can you say that the job is becoming first prioirty. Is there such a point or does it just depend on the individual relationship?

 

Well, way I see it we only have a finite amount of time.

 

In the situation presented by the OP, this person is working 12-13 hours a day, 7 days a week with no breaks ever. That doesn't leave a whole lot of time or energy for much else, does it? There are people who want to trot out the concept of "quality time," but from what I've seen that's often used as a justification to spend more time on some things/people and less time on others. As if giving someone less time, but telling them it's "quality time" is supposed to make up for not being there more often than not.

 

What I'd be looking at is: does this person have a history of working that much OR is it just a temporary thing? With all jobs, there are going to be times when you've got more work and times with less work. If it's temporary, I'd be more inclined to be supportive to the person during that time. However, if it's a chronic pattern, I'd be more inclined to believe that's just the way that person is...at which point, I'd have to decide "can I accept that or not?"

 

With one of my previous partners, he had a job that kept him on the road traveling for several days every other week or so. He complained about it, he'd say it was "just for now," and at first, I believed him. After about a year and a half-two years of this, I took a long, hard look at his work history -- he'd always been like this. He'd changed jobs a couple times when I was involved with him and he always chose jobs with the same ridiculous schedule. This was NOT temporary...it was how he was. Seein' as how he was in his 50's, he wasn't likely to change, either. (Oh, yeah, and all that traveling made it easier for him to cheat on me and also JUSTIFY cheating since we "just weren't together all that often")

 

I also agree that healthy couples are likely to have some separate interests/hobbies. You really don't need to be attached at the hip to have a satisfying relationship.

 

However, it is necessary for partners to feel included in each other's lives and have the feeling that if there was a genuine need, the other would be there to support them in some meaningful way. I get the sense (from what the OP wrote) that she's not getting that.

 

There is nothing wrong with having career goals or being into (or deeply into) whatever hobbies/interests one has. As was stated before, though, all of us have only have a finite amount of time whether we're talking on a day to day basis or over the course of our lifetime. We have to make choices on how to spend that time. If we'd rather be spending it building a business or learning how to weave baskets or catch the perfect wave, it'd be better for us (and those we may choose to become involved with) to either share those interests as part of the relationship OR choose to devote ourselves to what we really want to do and opt to stay single until such time as we decide that we want to spend our time on building and maintaining a relationship.