Is time a friend or enemy?

[autumn]

Last night my gf told me she had a lot on her mind that she is dealing with. I have sensed this for some time and used it as an opportunity to straighten things out. I know that for some time, she has been inwardly struggling with past relationships that were not resolved (eg. she has admitted feelings for one ex in particular), and she also has a difficult time with committment (her prior relationships all lasted under 6 months). She told me that she can't open up to me, so I told her to sort things out and talk to me when she is ready.

 

We've been together for just over 2 years and have a 3 month old son. I came out of a tumultous 8 yr relationship, and don't want to set a trend in my life - I want this to last.

 

Our relationship has been going through a "repair" phase. She told me soon after the birth of our son that she is not in love with me anymore, but recently agreed to "try" when I told her that I can't go on living in a relationship in which love is cold and not reciprocated. I have never given up and went through a lot of personal turmoil over her changed attitude. With her new decision to "try," things have been looking more hopeful, but I don't know whether it will last.

 

Frankly, it bothers me deep down that she feels that she can't open up to me. I've given it time, but I also sense that time can be an enemy because it allows one to drift away from issues and, ultimately, the relationship dissipates. Can anyone offer some hope? Are there any women out there that feel or have felt like my gf? What can a man do?

[charmed]

Hi Davidlg!

 

I understand that you are feeling down about your relationhship right now. I sense that you are a loving individual, and that you are giving and concerned about your relationshhip.

 

The truth is that your girlfriend is really going to have to sort her head out on her own. You have tried to help, and you have seen some progress, but you can not stay in the relationship after such time that it is going nowhere.

 

I'm not saying it is going nowhere, but if there is only one partner giving all to the relationship, then once problems arise, things can go downhill. I understand that problems have arisen.

 

It's sad that you have a child and she is not willing to work at the relationship so that the child can have both parents.

 

I also ask, has she seen this ex lately? I have trouble believing someone saying that after 2+ years out of the blue as an excuse.

 

My advice - communicate. If you don't, you will pain yourself if you split up. Communication is your best chance, as the situation is on the verge of going one way or the other. Time is on you side, as you have her now. If you want to keep her, then you will have to come up with a way of attracting her back to the relationship. Also, there could be a connection between the child and this new attitude if the child arrived in the past 3 months. She is probably looking at life in a new light now that she has this responsibility.

[autumn]

Thank you, Charmed.

 

What really stuck out was your comment "Time is on your side." Let me make things clearer:

 

Yes, she spent quite a bit of time going out with the ex 2 wks after the birth of our son. He lives out of the country, but visits our city for the summer. I stayed home to babysit. It was then that she professed to love me, but not be "in love" anymore. What's strange is that she professed unmatched love to me the day our son was born.

 

I confronted her about this in an indirect way. To allow her to sort things out, I only told her that I have an extremely difficult time understanding, and don't know if I ever will, how at a time when we should have naturally been MOST in love, she turned back on me.

 

I understand and gave her time to deal with all the effects of having a baby as well. But, through the last few months, she continued to talk to the ex on the phone regularly, and tells him she loves him. Meanwhile, she finds it difficult to tell me that.

[charmed]

Hi David,

 

Well, the ex has been in regular contact, and is butting his way back into her life, and butting you out. You could end up supporting this child while they go out together if you are not careful.

 

I understand where you are right now, and can only say that you communicate with her. Obviously, she is irrational, and I suspect is looking for a partner for the child - and is re-assessing her partners that she had to see if any are suitable to be a father. This of course means that she would not see you as a good father - but the bottom line is that this is your child and she should be making the relationship work for both of you and the childs welfare.

 

I suspect that you do not believe what she is saying about her feelings, and I suspect that she does not know what she wants herself. However, the ex on the phone, and going out together is backfiring on YOU - and no one else, and it's time to put the foot down here. She could well be on the verge of cheating as it stands, and you should be protecting your relationship with her.

 

She thinks all the balls are in her court right now, and thinks that she can move another man in and move you out. What you need to let her know is that this is not the case. She is surely dependent on you for various things. I suggest that you meet up with an ex girlfriend or two, and give her a taste of her own medicne - especially if she has to babysit while you do it. See how she likes it.

 

I don't envy you here david, you have your work cut out for you. Do not take this lying down. Get up and be proactive about this. You are not happy, and be proud to say that you are not happy to her and if you need to leave her to prove it to her - then go ahead. Drastic action might be needed to show her the light - thats if she could even see the light as it is!

 

Hope this helps you some,