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He doesn't want kids


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Hi everyone,


I'll try to keep this brief, but I do thank you all in advance for reading and responding. Here's a little bit about my current relationship:


Dating 2.5 years and not living together.


Me: 35, never married but one previous long term (10 yr) relationship, no children but have always wanted at least one


Him: 40 (as of 2 weeks ago), never married, 1 daughter (aged 10) from previous relationship (6 years). His daughter lives with her mother, but he spends at least 4 - 5 days a week with her after school, etc.


I've been up front since day one of our relationship that having children is something that's very important to me. We recently had a "where is this relationship going" talk and it was finally revealed to me that he does want to marry me in the next one or two years, but as of right now, he does not want any children. As he put it: "I don't want to be 56 with a 16 year old kid." We are currently taking a 2 week break at which time we will do the standard giving back of the stuff.


Other than this issue this has been my dream relationship. We love each other very much, he is kind and considerate, he supports and encourages me, when we argue it's respectful, he's an excellent father to his daughter ... I could go on and on. So needless to say, the idea of walking away from this relationship is not easy.


Of course, I have two options I can pursue. If I leave, I run the risk of not meeting a man who I connect with as well as I do with him. Also, I have no guarantees that I can even become pregnant. Finally, if I do meet a man that actually does want children, by the time I invest the appropriate amount of time in the relationship I will be closer to age 37 or 38 before attempting conception. And that's if I'm lucky to meet someone in the pretty near future. This would only make me older at which point it could be more difficult to conceive.


The other option is for me to stay with him. In doing so I will be able to keep the relationship I currently have, but the possibility of having children would be none to slim. To be honest, I have been starting to feel my age for the past year or so and when I'm around friend's children, sometimes I feel like having my own right now might be too much for me. Also, his daughter would be a surrogate-type of outlet for me. She told me last month that she loved me, and I do feel I love her in my own way. The arrangement is one that would enable me to kind of have the best of both worlds - there would be a child in the house, but he and I could also have our alone time.


I'm really conflicted. I'm afraid if I do stay with him I might end up resenting him down the road. But I'm also afraid if I leave then I'm walking away from someone who I really enjoy spending time with and whom I love dearly.


Wow - to date, this is one of the hardest decisions I've ever been faced with. Any advice, stories or sympathy would be greatly appreciated! :sad:


Thanks everyone...

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I think you've answered your own question.


Just so you get my drift, I'm 54 and childless, but I have had some fine times with nieces and friend's kids. My peers have had kids, and adopted. I envy the ones with kids from either source, and sometimes feel sorry for the ones with troublesome children. I'll admit no knowledge of the feelings of motherhood, but kids are lovable on their own merits.


If this relationship is important to you, consider the future of his daughter as your stepchild, and someday you might have grandchildren to spoil, diaper and love.


Just my two cents as a guy who lives alone.

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I'd have to take an opposite view. If you feel you want your own kids and to stay in this relationship means giving that up....it's too big a sacrifice in my opinion. It's one of those things that will grow with time and I find it hard to see how, at 45, you would not feel resentment and a keen sense of loss.


To me, this is one of those things that is a deal breaker in a relationship. Easy for me to say and very tough decision but just my perspective.

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This may sound corny ..but i always believe that if you follow your heart ... then everything seems to work out.


By that i mean..if you truly love this man ..and feel he is the one for you ..and thats what your heart wants.... not your fear of being alone..then i say stay with him.


But if your heart is really attached to the idea of having children...then i say leave the relationship and follow your heart. Even if you don't get married until you are 40- if you were with someone who wanted children as well.. you could adopt.


Im 35 as well...so i completely understand your confusion.

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