Mutual NC, How is it possible to get back together?

[absoluteze]

Hello All,

 

For those of you who read my last post, thank you again for your advice. I did have to postpone my surgery for now because I couldn't find anyone to go and I passed on asking her as you suggested.

 

Now my next question is if both parties are in NC mode and the whole idea is to continue to have NC until the other party contacts you after some time has past then how will the relationship ever be restored?

 

If I refuse to make any contact and I am almost certain she will not make contact either (she has made that quite clear) then is there any possibility at all of it all working out anyway? Does anyone have any experiences to share of both parties being so stubborn and holding out and yet somehow someone does finally let down their guard and get communication going again?

 

I really want to restore my relationship but I just can't see it happening doing it this way.

 

Thanks for your comments and suggestions.

[melrich]

if both parties are in NC mode and the whole idea is to continue to have NC until the other party contacts you after some time has past

 

That's not the purpose of NC as it is generally advocated in this forum. The purpose of NC is to allow you the space and time to heal and get over the break up.

 

There are most certainly cases where NC has resulted in people getting back together but that will only happen if both people want it. If that is a conclusion she is going to come to then she will come to it in her own time. I doubt there is anything much you can do to influence that right now.

[absoluteze]

Thanks melrich,

 

Once again you are the voice of wisdom and it is much appreciated. It is going to be tough to stick with NC but I know it is necessary. I just can't believe how she has made a 180 degree turn in her personality. This woman gave me more love than anyone ever did and our chemistry was incredible (we both acknowledged that) and yet now she has been become totally cold and uncaring which is so uncharacteristic of her. It just is so confusing to me.

 

I know she has had a lot of chemical and hormonal issues this year and it has really affected her personality and actions. I suppose I can only wait it out and see if these issues settle in her life and if she wakes up one day and realizes she was wrong to treat me as she has. No matter what, you are right there isn't anything much I can do to influence it right now and I am going to need to be strong and let it go for now.

[melrich]

she has been become totally cold and uncaring which is so uncharacteristic of her.

 

This is probably a defensive mechanism. It's not easy to break up with someone, there is nearly always guilt involved. One way to cope with that is to do as she is doing, shut down her emotions. That will likely soften once the rawness of the break up has passed.

[absoluteze]

I hadn't thought of it that way. You are probably right. The breakup was sudden. We shared a wonderful afternoon and by that night she was calling it quits in a very strange way. Again I think it was the hormones and I know she had someone on the back burner she was interested in. I think that is also a by-product of her chemical imbalance as well. Totally out of character for her. So I can see how she might be feeling guilty and it would certainly be easier for her to deal with it by shutting down her emotions. I can only hope that you are right that they will soften after some time has passed.

[melrich]

I am sure they will. People do strange things and act in strange ways in the immediate aftermath of a break up. Over time they get back to normal.

[Zackinlaw]

That's not the purpose of NC as it is generally advocated in this forum. The purpose of NC is to allow you the space and time to heal and get over the break up.

 

As always, spot on Melrich! The problem with using NC as a "game" or "ploy" to repair a relationship you both want is that if you both do it, the relationship will be dead!!! But if the relationship is already dead, NC is a great way to move on. As one who's been there, I swear by it without reservation ... even though it takes a long time to get where you want to be mentally!

 

Good luck

 

Zack

[lizer]

isnt a relationship dead once the person decides its worthy enough to leave you? thereforeeee NC is a way for you to detach from the addiction of having that person around...AND if reconciliation is still desired, its used so that both people can realize what life is like without the other, for dust to settle, and for time alone to contemplate what went wrong, and what needs to go right, in the future...for the NEW relationship.

[absoluteze]

if you both do it, the relationship will be dead!!!

Zack

 

 

Thanks Zack for your comments! If I understand you correctly, if both of us do NC then the relationship is dead. I doubt that she will break NC so should I? And if so, when? I don't want the relationship to be dead if it doesn't have to be but I'm not sure how or when to initiate contact or even if I should.

 

It's still all very confusing to me, I feel like I'm in a fog.

[Zackinlaw]

AND if reconciliation is still desired, its used so that both people can realize what life is like without the other, for dust to settle, and for time alone to contemplate what went wrong, and what needs to go right, in the future...for the NEW relationship.

 

Lizer ... that's a tough call. I come down on the side of communication instead of demonstration. Maybe it's because i absolutely HATE game playing. But I see your point.

 

Zack.

[Zackinlaw]

absolutez ... what are you hoping will happen? If you make the gesture, is there some rational reason to think she might respond favorably?

 

Zack.

[renaissancewoman101]

I don't believe in NC, because then there pretty much is no chance of reconciliation. If you want reconciliation or hope for it down the road, maybe a form of LC may be better. Like you only responding if they call, email you, etc. And you take your time responding and you don't act like it's the end of the world if they don;t respond to you.

[absoluteze]

zack and ren,

 

thanks again for your comments,

 

Right now I don't think anything positive will happen if I contact her. She is pretty adamant that she wants to be left alone. It is still all so fresh and I think she is enamored with someone new which isn't helping matters.

 

Ren, perhaps I will go the LC route if and when she ever decides to contact me. I'm just so afraid that if I continue to try and contact her that it will just be counterproductive.

[renaissancewoman101]

Right now just lay low and do you own thing. Every so often, let her know you exist and that you are doing well. Don't chase her. Just find some way to let her see you doing well, without you actually telling her. Keep it on the down low. After a month or so, drop a note to say "hi".

[lizer]

yeah. i think what im doing shouldnt be called NC.

if my ex(dumper) called me... i would pick up indefinitely..

i call it NC..because NO ONE is in communication with each other.. as is right now.

 

i dont think anyone here, who desires reconciliation should ever NOT pickup the phone if their dumpers call.

[absoluteze]

lizer and ren,

 

I would definitely pickup the phone or answer an email if i got it but it looks doubtful. I think I will do as you suggested ren and just lay low. There is one complication though. I set up a website for her while we were together to sell her photographs on. She has been getting some sales and I don't mind taking care of them for her but I don't want to piss her off by contacting her about it. Do you think I should just hold on to the money and get it to her once we communicate again? I wouldn't want her to misread an attempt to get it to her as trying to buy her back or anything. Why can't it be simple? Aaaagggghhh!

[JeckyllNHyde]

I know what you mean when it comes to wanting to do NC yet reconcile. I am in that type of "situation".

I would suggest maybe just sending her the money by mail or something if you don't plan on keeping it. But hey, if you feel like keeping it, I would probably do the same if someone dumped me.

 

And if you do the LC thing later down the line, make sure you maybe inniciate contact once, maybe twice. Then no more. Then she should also make an effort, which will show you if she still cares to be in contact.

[absoluteze]

I wouldn't feel right keeping the money, it is hers. I have tried to help her out with her photography efforts and hope to continue to do so because I can do that by telling people about her site without contacting her directly. I truly do want only the best for her and for her to be successful. I did notice that when she wasn't getting much feedback from her site she would get down and then someone would find it and send her an email or an order would come in and she would be ecstatic. Maybe it will continue to grow and it will help her mood and maybe she will remember me more fondly since I got her started with it all. Who knows? Of course, donkeys may fly too, LOL!

 

I think I might wait a week or so until sending the money though just to let a little more time pass. Then maybe a little LC can take place? I guess it is really all up to her since I have no say.

 

Thanks for your advice!

[Up and Down]

If I didn't know better I'd swear we were dating the same person, same thing, incredible chemisty, super caring...then at the end cold as ice. She had her best friend die and right after took off to Italy...trying to say she was lost in the relationship even though I am the last person anyone would say is controlling....time will tell. Until then its all about me...oh same thing on the NC front. Not sure if I will ever hear from her she's pretty stubborn.

[absoluteze]

up and down

 

sounds like we are in a similar situation alright. i probably should have your screen name as up and down as our relationship has been.

 

Sorry your NC situation is the same too. How can they be so cruel when all we have done is love them and support them in whatever they attempt?

 

It really sucks to be hurting this way and have no way to do anything about it.

 

I think the traumatic things in their lives really do affect how they think but will they ever come around? Who knows?

 

Your gf has her friend die and it messes up her head and my gf almost dies herself and needs emergency surgery which at first brought us closer than ever but then the shock wore off and she starts getting distant and seeing if the grass is greener with someone else. i think the near death thing made her closer to me at first but then she probably thought mmmm life is short maybe I should check out other things. Nice way to treat me after me loving her and caring for her unconditionally.

 

I feel your pain my friend and it sounds like you feel mine as well!

[TXStar7128]

Glad to hear other people are having the NC=no communication on either side situation. I was starting to think I was abnormal because my ex wasn't still hanging around trying to get in touch with me...

[CrapAtNC]

NC is great for helping you get back to being yourself, shifting focus, and moving on.

 

Once you're feeling good about yourself and have lost your need to be with the ex but still have a desire to, then you should go ahead and get in touch and suggest a short, non-date date (like lunch or coffee). By then you should be in the right frame of mind to be able to handle seeing the ex again and won't have any deep disappointments or upsets because you won't be so needy.

 

That's how I look at it. There's no need to avoid getting in touch with someone you like if you are in a position to do so without getting hurt. I just invited my ex to come and work with me and she accepted; I'm over the moon, as I like the girl but no longer have a desperate need to get back with her, just a mild desire, as I would with any attractive woman in my social or work circle.

 

Time is the greatest healer. Once it has passed and the wounds are closed, you have nothing to fear from exposing yourself to a bit of salt in order to add a bit more flavour to your life.

 

Hang in there. We've all been where you are and many of us have emerged from the experience stronger and happier.

[Up and Down]

Trust me I do, her friends death brought us close, now she is using it against me. In a sense of life is short I should see whats out there. Like you said who knows if they will come around. While I can't say I have walked in their shoes, I don't understand how you go from a great relationship to a change in personality and distancing yourself from sed relationship. So here we are together...it sucks but at the end of the day I have good friends and get out, I know I will get through this. So will you!

[absoluteze]

I know we will get through this too but sometimes it is so hard. This morning was really tough for me and I've just sat around running it all through my head for the millionth time. I decided to write her a letter, (not to actually send her, not at least for now) in order to get out my feelings and help me cope. If you would like to take a look send me a PM and I will tell you more about it. It might help you to do a similar exercise.

 

I don't feel a lot better right now but better than I did before I wrote it.

 

Hang in there!

[Clabs]

Hey absoluteze

 

It can be very theraputic to write that letter to get it all out (and of course not send it!).

 

Just try to be strong and give this time, time, time.

 

Mark