"I love you"

[Altruist]

OK, here's the scenario:

 

Altruist and this girl sitting on a park bench. She is crying with laughter as I tease her relentlessly. Then out of the blue she says "I love you". I am tongue-tied.

 

We are not even in a relationship but we are just friends who have known each other for some time. To me she has become like one of my buddies.

I regain my composure and manage to say "I love me too" with a grin. She smiles back a little but I can see sadness in her eyes realizing that I don't feel the same way.

 

This has happened about four times in my life when a woman unexpectedly confesses her love for me when all the while I thought we were just friends and never before talked about love.

 

It pains me when I have to turn down someone like this. I don't like breaking hearts. This brings me to my question:

What is the best way to respond when a woman says "I love you" unexpectedly like this, especially if you only see her as a friend and you do not wan't to lose her friendship?

[EvaGina]

ohhhhhhhh, tricky!

 

Just carry on being her friend... if she tries to come onto you then let her down gently. She'll get over it eventually

 

If you do love her too, say "awesome" and put your arm around her!

[nightw0lf]

Tell her "i love you too, you know that !" but with some expression of happiness or excitement.

[amtjrtcet]

I guess you handled it well. Especially since the conversation leading up to her saying "I love you" was humerous, laughing it off the way you did was probalby the best way to handle it. B/c if you would have been all, "I like you as a friend but nothing more" and she really was kidding you'd look like a butt.

[Altruist]

Thanks Eva. In most cases we remained friends but there was a lot of awkwardness which replaced the closeness.

 

Tell her "i love you too, you know that !" but with some expression of happiness or excitement.

 

What about in cases when I don't love the girl 'that way'?

[Altruist]

I guess you handled it well. Especially since the conversation leading up to her saying "I love you" was humerous, laughing it off the way you did was probalby the best way to handle it. B/c if you would have been all, "I like you as a friend but nothing more" and she really was kidding you'd look like a butt.

 

Do women ever kid about such heavy things?

[Shin kensen]

Your lover can (read: should) be your best friend too!

 

What I would have done, regardless of my feelings, with regard to her beauty (which is terrible I know...).

 

It's hard to explain without some sort of story board and pictures. I can't even think of a reference TV show.

 

But words are over-rated in that sort of situation, so it would have gone something like:

 

a)quick little kiss on lips

b)stare into eyes for emotional touch down (do mental mexican wave)

c)into big kiss (beware of others in the park spotting your erection)

[nightw0lf]

Thanks Eva. In most cases we remained friends but there was a lot of awkwardness which replaced the closeness.

 

 

 

What about in cases when I don't love the girl 'that way'?

 

My best friend said the same thing to me and i didnt want to hurt her so i told her i love her but without that emotion of meaning, like a friendly "i love you too" its kinda hard to explain.

 

Alternatively if you dont want to go that route you need to tell her now :

 

"listen, i do love you but not in that way, your my friend and i cherish your friendship and for that i love you, please dont take it in the wrong way"

[Lana0120]

If you love her, it's simple: just say it back and give her a hug or a kiss. If you don't love her, do it in a way that enables her to retain her dignity. The 'I love me too thing' is okay... I once told a guy I 'liked' him and found him funny and that was his response... that he liked himself too... In truth, I just don't know exactly what you'd do. If anything, be more clued in the lead up, because the 'I love you' may seem out of the blue to you, but it probably isn't to the girl, so the chances are, there are signs of her feelings, so if you can, cut her off before she gets to the love declaration?

[amtjrtcet]

Do women ever kid about such heavy things?

 

Well, I mean I have guy friends that I've known since childhood. I tell them I love you, they say it back. My boyfriend has a female friend that he's known since childhood. He tells her I love you. He does it in front of me and I in front of him.

 

How good of friends are you guys? How long have you been friends?

[Altruist]

Your lover can (read: should) be your best friend too!

 

What I would have done, regardless of my feelings, with regard to her beauty (which is terrible I know...).

 

It's hard to explain without some sort of story board and pictures. I can't even think of a reference TV show.

 

But words are over-rated in that sort of situation, so it would have gone something like:

 

a)quick little kiss on lips

b)stare into eyes for emotional touch down (do mental mexican wave)

c)into big kiss (beware of others in the park spotting your erection)

 

LOL. That would be giving the wrong message to a girl that I only see as a friend.

[toribee2]

I'm not sure there is an easy or gentle way to tell a someone that you do not return their affections in the same way. That is one of the hardest things to say to someone, in both cases. I love you is hard to say because you are putting yourself out there. Telling someone you don't return their love is hard because you know you will hurt them, and that is never fun to do.

 

I don't envy your position. I wish I had more to offer in the way of advice.

[Dating Coach]

Unless this was a girl I've known forever (and even sometimes then) or a girl I'd been dating for a good while, I'd not regard this as a "confession" but a "test". And if a girl said that to me and I regarded it as a test, I would most certainly tease her and make fun of her (non maliciously) regarding it, letting her know either how ridiculous that was... or about how I get that all the time.

[Timebandit]

Unless this was a girl I've known forever (and even sometimes then) or a girl I'd been dating for a good while, I'd not regard this as a "confession" but a "test". And if a girl said that to me and I regarded it as a test, I would most certainly tease her and make fun of her (non maliciously) regarding it, letting her know either how ridiculous that was... or about how I get that all the time.

 

The premise from the OP was that she had sadness in her eyes when she said it. We dont know if that is true, but if it is, then I can hardly see it as a 'test'. So in short - I wouldnt tease her about it.

 

But perhaps the OP can give us his view on this.

[Dako]

Altruist,

 

I think you handled it well, considering you were blindsided. If you don't feel the same, it would be unkind to lie. She may have been genuinely expressing her feelings.

Some people do.

[Altruist]

Thanks for all the responses so far!

 

Well, I mean I have guy friends that I've known since childhood. I tell them I love you, they say it back. My boyfriend has a female friend that he's known since childhood. He tells her I love you. He does it in front of me and I in front of him.

 

How good of friends are you guys? How long have you been friends?

 

With the last one we had known each other for over a year.

[Altruist]

...But perhaps the OP can give us his view on this.

 

She looked sad when I laughed it off.

[Altruist]

If you love her, it's simple: just say it back and give her a hug or a kiss. If you don't love her, do it in a way that enables her to retain her dignity. The 'I love me too thing' is okay... I once told a guy I 'liked' him and found him funny and that was his response... that he liked himself too... In truth, I just don't know exactly what you'd do. If anything, be more clued in the lead up, because the 'I love you' may seem out of the blue to you, but it probably isn't to the girl, so the chances are, there are signs of her feelings, so if you can, cut her off before she gets to the love declaration?

 

I get your point Lana but in all cases I never saw it coming...

[Lana0120]

I get your point Lana but in all cases I never saw it coming...

 

Well, I'd say it might be an idea to keep your eyes open for the signs then. However, it sounds like you handle it the best way you can under the circumstances. It's funny though, as you were talking about girls who want you when you're unavailable, but not when you are... it seems as if there's a bit of this going on with you as well? It's terrible that if something is too easy, we don't want it.

[Altruist]

Well, I'd say it might be an idea to keep your eyes open for the signs then. However, it sounds like you handle it the best way you can under the circumstances. It's funny though, as you were talking about girls who want you when you're unavailable, but not when you are... it seems as if there's a bit of this going on with you as well? It's terrible that if something is too easy, we don't want it.

 

I agree. It must be a reverse psychology thing.

[Gratsy]

Wait, I want to know what you're thinking. Why exactly are you her friend? Were you completely unaware of her attraction to you? What if you were aware of her attraction? Why do you not like her and why do you like her? I guess it comes from a similar experience I had. I can perhaps help you if you give me answers from your perspective. Are you not attracted to her? Why or why not? What makes you think of her only as a friend and not something more?

[Lana0120]

I agree. It must be a reverse psychology thing.

 

Just act the way you do with the girls you don't fancy... with the girls you do. You're much more likely to get a result!

[Altruist]

Wait, I want to know what you're thinking. Why exactly are you her friend? Were you completely unaware of her attraction to you? What if you were aware of her attraction? Why do you not like her and why do you like her? I guess it comes from a similar experience I had. I can perhaps help you if you give me answers from your perspective. Are you not attracted to her? Why or why not? What makes you think of her only as a friend and not something more?

 

What I'm thinking? Well she was just one of those girls that you just get friendly with. I'd help her solve some mathematical problems when she had assignments and we sometimes spend some time on weekends biking and picknicking together just for fun. I'd tease her and just treat here like my bratty little sister.

I like her a lot - just the way I like my little sister. She's a fun, lively person. The thought of a relationship with her never entered my mind. Sometimes I'd tease her about some guy that I thought she liked and comments on how they were suited to each other.

I am not attracted to her. She just has this radiant innocence and i never wanted to ruin the friendship that we had by complicating things (i.e falling in love with her).

[Altruist]

Just act the way you do with the girls you don't fancy... with the girls you do. You're much more likely to get a result!

 

It's easier said than done. Sometimes when you like a girl you feel that you don't want to take any chances. I know what you are saying is right but sometimes I am guilty of not being laid back when I like a girl a lot.

[Gratsy]

So when you say you aren't attracted to her...you think she's unattractive? Why did you make comments about other suitors? Would you ever have made fun of someone she dated? What if she directly asked you if you found her attractive or that you were attracted to her...what would you say?