My wife won't have sex with me

[kyleax1]

Thats the topic, but it goes much deeper.

 

I've been married for about 9 months, me and my wife have had sex 2 times, she would not have sex on the honeymoon. She kept saying that the onyl reaosn I married her was for sex so she was not going to do it.

 

I figured as time went on everything would be fine, after she realized it was not only about sex.

 

We went to a "sex" counselor, but it being a man felt that he was on my side.

 

Over the 9 months we have been married this is her excuses...

 

- I only care about sex - I tried to show it was not all I cared about

- I was small - I actually got a penis enlarger, but gave up on using that

- I didnt last long enough - I told her without practice I won't go long

- I was getting fat - I went to the gym

- She was not horny - recently found out what she meant was "not horny for me"

- She is not attracted to me anymore - told her I was ganna work out and get buff, her reply was "it won't help"

- I'm boring - She likes the club scene and I dont, and I dont plan on going to clubs either

 

 

What started as a problem from lack of sex has turned into me feelingdepressed and unwanted, uncared for, unloved, unimportant.

 

When I try to talk to her about it all she says is I'm crying like a b!tch and get over it.

we argue all the time

I never feel happy and I honestly have nothing good to say about our marraige.

 

I was thinking about an anulment, but I don't think I "qualify".

I'm about to go through chapter 7 so could nto afford a lawyer anyways.

 

On top of all this, she does not have a drivers License, a car obviously, or a job.

 

But she has no problem going out on the weekend with her friends partying all night. I will stay up until 4 am waiting for her and will text or call to see her phone is off. She will end up home around 7am and when I talk to her about it later she says she can come in when she wants.

 

I hate everything, but at the same time feel sorry for her, because without my income she has nothing, unless she just lives off other people.

 

I really don't know what to do.

 

Edit- She tells me if I don't argue with her then eventually she will come out from "behind the wall" that she has built up because of me. But I have been changing for the better since atleast 3 months ago with no change from her. I just see that as another excuse to keep me busy for a while.

[EvaGina]

I think finding out about annulment is a good idea.

I think she married you purely to be "safe" in the married state... I dont think she loves you.

 

I feel for you man, but you cant help the situation if she refuses to help too

[DN]

I am so sorry but this woman is using you to provide a base from which she can go out and party with her friends. I have no hesitation in advising you to leave her and file for a divorce. Many lawyers have one free consultation and may be able to show you how to handle an uncontested divorce.

 

It is very sad but not as sad as staying with her would be.

[Entropy Smith]

She doesn't respect you...how can you tolerate your wife going out all night until 7am...D-I-V-O-R-C-E!

[tgt]

Hi and welcome to ENA! So sorry to hear you are going through such a bad situation!

 

Are you sure she isn't having an affair? I'd say either that or she has some serious personal issues from before you met her that she needs counseling for immediately. From your description I'd be stunned if she wasnt having an affair with someone else but its possible.

 

Sex is only part of the problem here though, you two arent communicating very well at all and I'm wondering how you walked down the isle with her without dealing with some of these issues. Did you guys see anyone before marriage to talk about your relationship?

 

I learned the hard way that time never fixes anything in a marriage - but it can make things worse! Actions and hard work have to be on the front burner. Time will however, fix/heal you after your divorce! =)

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

I read your post and I feel really sad for you. Your wife sounds very selfish and full of excuses. Sex is not everything, but it is a big part of the intimate connection between man and wife and an integral part of a healthy marriage.

 

It really sounds like she's using you for a place to stay and money to go out with friends, but has no concept of what marriage is really about and no interest in having one with you.

 

I would agree with other posters that an annulment if you can file for one who be your best bet- she obviously is good at finger pointing but has no interest in accepting any of the blame for the failure of the marriage or in making any efforts to save it.

 

There is no need that after 9 months you should be this miserable in your marriage.

[luvursmile]

I agree with the rest. Leave her. Youve done everything she asked you to do...and still. She doesnt respect you. Move on.

[anggrace]

Those are terrible things she's saying to you. Not loving at all. And going out all night with her phone off so you can't reach her is pretty thoughtless as well. But of coarse, there are always two sides to the story. Do you treat her well? I mean you obviously do as far as taking care of her, but how do you interact with her or approach her about all of this?

[SilverManic]

I just got married 10 months ago and geez I thought my sex drive was bad! He thinks it's bad if he doesn't get it 2 times a week! You poor guy, she sounds like she doesn't really care about you too much. I can't believe she would pull all this emotional stuff on you. Also if she's married she should not be going out to all hours at night unless you are with her and if you don't want to go then she shouldn't be going!

 

I would never never never go out that late with out my husband, it's not safe! He would go mad! I think you need to sit and have a serious talk with her and it's not just about the sex. It's about her attitude, if she doesn't change I'd divorce her.

[StarLily]

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I agree with the rest... divorce her.

[sddeaston]

Leave her. What a B-word. Pretty much worthless. And to be brutally honest, I believe she is sleeping with someone else, possibly many. This is my impression of the going out all night and coming in at like 7 am. She is at another dude's house.

 

Don't even give her the time of day. If it were me, I would stop talking to her, stop giving her things and being there for her. I can say this because I have been through a similar situation, and faced with it again, no matter how many feelings of love are involved, no woman is worth my dignity. Please, leave her.

[kyleax1]

I do try to treat her well. I loved computer gaming, but gave it up because she said I cared more about it then her, so I quit to make a statement...didn't help.

She says I'm not spontanious or romantic, so I try flowers etc and it puts her in a good mood, but thats it.

I try buying lingerie but it only makes her mad, and shows I'm jsut trying to get her to have sex.

When I bring up anulment she says "ok", but she says ok to everything when she is mad.

like I said previously, she said I put her behind a wall because of how much I argued with her, but I'm not sure how arguing is avoidable, Unless I plan to stay unhappy.

[BornToResist]

That sucks.

 

It sounds like she's going to continue to give you reasons why she won't. In the meantime you're going to keep jumping through hoops and trying to "fix" these things she's saying is wrong with you.

 

But the problem is her.

 

You deserve to be happy...go after it.

[kyleax1]

I think you need to sit and have a serious talk with her and it's not just about the sex. It's about her attitude, if she doesn't change I'd divorce her.

 

 

She doesnt want to talk about it.

 

 

she says she is young and wants to have fun, since she never got to until now...and she is not going to let anything or a marriage get in her way of having a good time.

 

But somehow she says she loves me

[luvursmile]

She's manipulating you. Arguing is completely normal...and healthy for all relationships. Sounds like she just wants you around to pay her bills while she parties till the wee hours of the night. Move on man, shes not willing to change!

She said she doesnt like it when you disagree with her...geez! Everybodys gonna disagree at some point! She wants a doormat, not a husband!

[tgt]

She doesnt want to talk about it.

 

 

she says she is young and wants to have fun, since she never got to until now...and she is not going to let anything or a marriage get in her way of having a good time.

 

But somehow she says she loves me

 

Thats not love by any stretch! While there may be some truth to what she says about you, by and large you are really being fed spoofuls of . Its going to be hard to let go no matter how she treats you I know - but you must be a man and stand up for yourself now by taking some action. I'd advise an ultimatum on counseling or you will separate and prepare for divorce. That may wake her up and get her to the table.

[kyleax1]

Because she does not work "she rely's on my income" So I have been told by friends even though we have been married for a short time and have no assets that I will pay out the a$$. Any idea's?

[luvursmile]

Because she does not work "she rely's on my income" So I have been told by friends even though we have been married for a short time and have no assets that I will pay out the a$$. Any idea's?

 

Not if you get the marriage annuled, which in your case, I think its highly possibly. Besides, you said youre filing for Chapter 7, right? They cant ask you to give what you dont have.

[flower99]

Wow...I read that & my heart goes out to you.

I am so sorry. She is cruel, heartless & selfish...and has no idea what love is & what marriage means

You deserve far better. I know you're trying to fix this, but she obviously doesn't care to. Get out of this.

I agree with everyone else....hugs

even if you have to pay out of you a$$ you're far better off...but i think there must be a way around paying I don't see why you should, that doesn't seem right.

[Mun]

My friend, you are getting taken for a ride.

 

I'm guessing here that she is an adult--correct? Well she needs to start acting like one. She can get a job. It is not your responsibility to carry dead weight. She is not bringing anything to the table.

 

I highly doubt that anything you say will change her behavior. So why not DO something instead. Look into getting that annullment. This is not a marriage and don't feel that you are letting her down. You must look out for your own interests here. She entered this marriage knowing it was a committment, but now she wants to be free? You are not her sugar daddy.

 

Hand her her walking papers.

 

You are better off. Good luck to ya!

[Dako]

I'm really sorry you have all this to deal with, but she's using you as a meal ticket. The sooner you start the paperwork, the better. If an anullment isn't an option, pick up the forms for a divorce at the local courthouse or city hall and get started.

 

You deserve better.

[Sarah1965]

sex has become the secondary problem...there are bigger problems here other than sex. the marriage seems irrepairable to me from what u say...of course that could be sooooo short sighted not knowing all the details.

[kyleax1]

sex has become the secondary problem...there are bigger problems here other than sex. the marriage seems irrepairable to me from what u say...of course that could be sooooo short sighted not knowing all the details.

 

short version:

 

quote from a few nights after we got married, it came up because I kept bringing up the question "why dont you want to make love"

 

quote from her "I didn't really want to get married, I just wanted to live together and date, but since your family said they would shun us if we moved in together 1st, I felt like I had to marry you."

 

Of course at that point I knew I was f'ed, but I tried to make it work. The more freedom she has gotten, the more ways she has found to get away or go out she has taken.

 

She recently got a new female friend and was running up the cell minutes so I got unlimited texting for her. Now she does 100+ text a day to 2 different girls and 2 "guy friends" which she promises she is not sleeping with.

When I told her that texting guys while I'm sitting on the couch watching tv really pissed me off, she basically said F you, I can talk to who I want when I want. You told me marriage was about trust and now you have to trust me, just like I have always trusted you. (of course her trusting me never involved me hanging out with girls).

[DN]

Buddy - you have to get rid of this woman. She's completely toxic and any cost involved in dumping her will seem like small change compared to the cost of allowing her to leech off you for a few more years.

[Mun]

She's feeding you a line. Marriage is also about respect, but she doesn't care. It sounds like she is treating you like a parent, and she is the spoilt brat. You really are not responsible for her.

 

I think you knew awhile back what you need to do. I understand it is difficult. You really wanted your marriage to work, unfortunately you can't make it work all by yourself. And believe me you are alone in this marriage. There really is no committment here on her part.

 

You are married. She is still single. Not fair to you hun..