Another sad, confusing story, want opinions

[introspectivereality]

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I’ve talked and talked about this with friends, family, the significant other in question and it only seems to bring more pain and no direction. That being the case, here, ladies and gentlemen, is my story. Sorry if this post ends up being long but its how I write.

 

When I met this girl, I was 21, almost 22, graduating college in a year and to be truthful, feeling incredibly depressed about my life. I had many opportunities with girls in the past but had never been able to grow it into what I considered to be a REAL relationship. The “I love you” relationship. I had always wanted it and I met this girl.

 

This girl had issues. She had been to rehab in January (I met her in September 06) and was still struggling with an addiction to heroin. In fact, she had used the week before we met. We start hanging out and I have this intense personal connection with her and her with me. I spent the next 3 months trying to get her to be with me. Convincing that our relationship could be better than the ones she had before, that real true love was something to strive for. I’m sure you get the idea. We were hanging out everyday, all day.

 

Its worth noting that since we starting hanging out back in September, almost a year ago, she has no used any drugs at all. She drank a but not once has she used what I consider a drug (marijuana doesn’t count in my book). Around January, we started sleeping together and dating and it was AMAZING. Especially for me. I hadn’t experienced a lot of the relationship stuff before so I was eating it up, basking in it. Passionate sex, laughter, chemistry, love. It was all there.

 

When we met, she made me realize that I had some personal psychological issues to deal with and began seeking help. Initially I was diagnosed as bi-polar but in speaking with my psychiatrist it seems like it may be unipolar depression combined with general anxiety disorder. Whatever it may be, I have some issues that I need to deal with. And when I first starting trying to hook up with this girl, I realized I had to deal with these issues before I could really be with someone. And then, after we hooked up and things were great, I lost sight of that. I’m only now trying to deal with these issues again.

 

Fast forward to May or so. We had become a dependant relationship. We spent almost everyday together. And at some point, she was ready to not be dependent anymore and I wasn’t able to make that step. The first time we broke up, the fourth of July of all days, she said that she couldn’t be the companion I need, she couldn’t be committed in her life right now, she needed to be single. This major switch came just days after we were looking at apartments to move into together. She got scared of settling down, I mean, we’re only 22. We got back together a few days after the fourth and then broke up again near the end of July.

 

She also thinks that she might be lesbian and has told me so. She wants to try dating girls because her experiences with guys have been very negative in the past, before me (emotional/physical abuse, rape). Talk about a load to put on someone’s shoulders. Not only has she broken up with me but she is wondering whether she will ever be with a man again. How does a guy compete with that?

 

When it first seemed like things were really going south, in about May, I started losing it. I wanted to talk about us all the time, try to figure out our problems. After we broke up, I wanted to talk about how it was the greatest relationship either of us has had, and she herself has said many times. How she was the happiest she has been in her entire life during our time together and so was I. And I KNOW this to be truth. We’re a great couple. All of her friends that I have talked to say she doesn’t realize what she has, that she has to see at some point, that I should stick aroun. Last time we talked, she said that she can still see herself growing old with me, just not being with me right now. She said that I was the last guy she was going to try to be with, whether that is in the past tense or future, its anyone’s guess. I was begging and pleading and being downright pitiful and I know it was counterproductive. I don’t want to be that way. She still wants to hang out and just not talk about the relationship or anything and it’s a battle every time we hang out to not do it.

 

I haven’t called her in exactly a week. I haven’t talked to her at all. I plan on continuing not calling her and letting her initiate contact. Only problem is, when we last talked, even she said that maybe I need to not see her for a while, but that she still wants to see me and I have to make that choice. I don’t really think that she is going to call me and its tough. I want to get back together with her. I love her dearly and I’ve learned from my mistakes in this relationship and want to apply that learning. I think I can do NC if it’s the best thing to do. I’ve made it a week and I think I can keep going. Is NC the way to go in this situation though? I want her back. I still love her even when I do the exercises of thinking about all the bad qualities, what made you mad. Her idiosyncrasies are some of the things I love about her most. She says she still loves me.

 

WHAT SHOULD I DO? I WANT OPINIONS!

 

Thanks for taking the time to read all of this. This community seems soooo supportive for members and its what we all need right now, isn’t it?

[Lana0120]

I agree with your own assessment that no contact is the best thing in this situation. She knows your thoughts and feelings. She knows you want to be with her and that you are very serious about her. However, for whatever reason, she has commitment issues as well as some confusion about her sexuality. thereforeeee, if she wants to get back together, she'll let you know. However, don't let yourself be in a limbo about this... if she doesn't contact you within a certain time, move on with your life.

[introspectivereality]

Thanks for the reply. Its really a toss up between LC and NC for me. I mean, I enjoy hanging out with her, and if I can just see it as starting completely over, I know that we could at least be very good friends. Its just so fricking tough. Life is tough, but the other option is being cynical about everything. I've been down that road and there is no happiness there. Anyone else have suggestions?

[JadedStar]

This girl had issues. She had been to rehab in January (I met her in September 06) and was still struggling with an addiction to heroin.

 

I really didn't have to read a lot more than this. Hopefully you will realize that it doesn't matter how great a person might be for us, if they are struggling with an addiction this powerful they CAN"T be a reliable partner. The fact that she had it a week prior to meeting you shows she was not over it.

 

I suggest NC. She is not able to be a partner to anyone right now, she has some heavy duty things to accomplish for herself first.

 

If you didn't have feelings for her then friendship to help her thru would be an option, but because you do have feelings for her you will be embarking on martyrship here because it will be so hard on you to befriend someone you really want to be in a relationship with. YOu shouldn't have to be that big of a person really, because you also have to be good to YOU.

[Optigan]

"This girl had issues. She had been to rehab in January (I met her in September 06) and was still struggling with an addiction to heroin. "

 

I really didn't have to read a lot more than this. Hopefully you will realize that it doesn't matter how great a person might be for us, if they are struggling with an addiction this powerful they CAN"T be a reliable partner.

 

Hopefully, you will tell us why you think so.

[introspectivereality]

Its a tug of war. I want to be that big of a person. I want to be able to handle it because I know that if I want her back, I have to. Its not like she is going to have some epiphany and suddenly want to be exactly how we were. It will probably take just as long to get her back as it took to get her the first time. I just don't think that I can do it right now and maybe NC is the way to get there. I think I could handle LC too but its just which one sets me up for the ultimate goal of reconciling. I know people will say to move on, and I am in many ways. I'm open to dating other people and I've been going out with friends a lot. I can even handle knowing I'm not going to be with her in the near future but this IS the girl I want to grow old with. Life is hard.