Moving from Dating to being "Official"...

[Rider0375]

I have been dating this girl for about 5 weeks. She is about 4 months out of a relationship and wants to take things "slow".

 

I guess it might be that im just not used to going really slow like this and get kind of antsy.

 

She says that she is "Close" to being ready to be "official". I believe her, but also I don't want to be just strung along.

 

How can I tell that if she really is "close" or if im just being strung along?

 

Thanks!

[amtjrtcet]

I have been dating this girl for about 5 weeks. She is about 4 months out of a relationship and wants to take things "slow".

 

I guess it might be that im just not used to going really slow like this and get kind of antsy.

 

She says that she is "Close" to being ready to be "official". I believe her, but also I don't want to be just strung along.

 

How can I tell that if she really is "close" or if im just being strung along?

 

Thanks!

 

Just give her time. If you really like her then she'll be worth it. Don't rush her into a relationship, trust me.

[Blue Skittles]

Well all you can do is respect her wishes and take it slow. But be careful and guard your own feelings. It seems a little strange to me, if she really liked you she wouldn't be so hesitant about getting into a relationship. But its hard to say, cuz I have no information on what she went through in her past relationship. Maybe she got burned really bad and just wants to make sure its not going to happen again.

[amtjrtcet]

Well all you can do is respect her wishes and take it slow. But be careful and guard your own feelings. It seems a little strange to me, if she really liked you she wouldn't be so hesitant about getting into a relationship. QUOTE]

 

I was burned before. About 3 months after I got out of my 6 yr relationship I met this guy. He was really pushy about getting "serious". I had told him from the beginning that I wanted to take things slow and see where it went. He kept pushing. 4 weeks into dating, he pushed me right out the door. I had told him I wanted to take it slow and he just didn't listen.

[Rider0375]

I really really like this girl. She was burned in her last relationship. I've asked her before what is holding her back and basically her answer was this; 'In past relationships i've rushed right into them and they have turned out bad, I dont want to mess this one up because she really likes me, and wants to try it differently'...

 

She told me that probably 2-3 weeks ago. Her friend told me the other day that she is "So close to being official with you that she can touch it".

 

Maybe I should give it another week or two and see how things go. Im not in any rush, Im just a bit worried that im being strung along. Although all clues point to otherwise =/

[chickidee23]

I agree with the above posters. Don't rush her or you will just lose her. It's not smart for her or you to rush into something after a relationship. Depending on the length and seriousness of the relationship, she may still be emotionally tied to it in some way. Let her set the pace of what happens. It will be worth it if you think she is worth it.

[ghost69]

no ultimatums man. don't push this girl. you have to respect that she is fresh out of another relationship. but also was out for being the rebound.

[jul-els]

I don't see how she's stringing you along. It sounds like she's being very upfront and honest about where she stands.

 

She's not ready at this time for a serious commitment and she's not sure if she will be.

 

If you think it's worth the wait to see how things develop then go with it. But above all else she is being honest and if you intend to stick around then you should respect that.

 

If you know you can only accept being involved on the basis of a serious commitment then I would give her whatever you believe is a reasonable amount of time to decide and be ready to cut your losses if she can't.

[rootcause43]

I'll beat this dead horse as well.

 

Sounds like she was put through the ringer with past relationships. Five weeks isn't a lot of time. It sounds like the attraction is mutual. You have NOTHING to gain by bringing this up in a week or two but everything to lose.

 

She knows you are ready and knows you want an 'official' pronouncement. So give it at least a month if not longer. In all likelihood she will give you the validation you seek prior to then.

 

I've been dating a woman for ... gee, I guess six weeks today. We haven't spoken about being official and/or exclusive. However, I believe we are pretty close to the stage. But I have no plans on broaching the subject as it is one of those things that just happens on its own. You look at someone and they look at you and you realize you have reached that stage.

[Dating Coach]

The question isn't about what she wants. It's about what you want. If you are ignoring the fact that you really want to become "official" after 5 weeks because you want to keep her around, then you're making the mistake of trying to "fit yourself" to her. It's also giving her the power to determine what is taking place. These are mistakes because you are not treating yourself fairly... and eventually this behavior could lead to you allowing yourself to be manipulated and controlled.

 

What do YOU want? Do you want to become "official"? After 5 weeks... I would. That's enough time and she owes you an aswer as to where this is going.

 

Here is what I would do. I would tell her that I'm ready for a relationship, and that I will not be anyone's rebound. It's been five weeks and I want to know where this is going. If she plays around with, "I'm not ready yet" some more then I'd tell her that's fine, it is her choice, but I'm going to go out and date other women and not just her. It's not fair for her to keep you exclusive but then not let you know where this is going. It's an unfair risk for your part. So I'd tell her that the nights we're not together I am going out with the boys and if I meet a girl then I'll take her out. Why not? She's got no right to keep you exclusive but then not make a commitment herself!

 

She probably won't like it, but that's tough. My job isn't to cater to her and let her play with my life and emotions. She can either choose to become official or keep it at "non-exclusive status". If it is the latter then I am going to use it. Not vindictively, but for myself. Because I don't know that it's going to work with her, and if after 5 weeks she's still uncertain than it's appearing to me that I cannot risk betting on her "deciding she likes me enough" without keeping options open. Who knows, I may find someone else whom I like just as much but just so happens to be ready for a relationship.

 

If she DOES care for you and wants you to be there, then she's going to have to face it that she cannot keep you on a leash. She's going to have to face the reality that you are a desireable man and if she's not going to commit to keeping you then another woman will and she will have lost what may have been. If she likes you then in the end this may be the better move. It increases your social value to know that other women wat you and that you could leave her to pursue a relationship with them if she's not going to make the full commitment.

 

Well all you can do is respect her wishes and take it slow. But be careful and guard your own feelings. It seems a little strange to me, if she really liked you she wouldn't be so hesitant about getting into a relationship.

 

There is more you can do. You can take a stand. As you said, it is strange that someone whom really likes you is hesistant about you. When my feelings and emotions are involved, I'm not about to place my time and effort into something or someone that seems hesistant about me. After 5 weeks, commit, or be prepared to see me date others as well.

[Dating Coach]

I really really like this girl. She was burned in her last relationship. I've asked her before what is holding her back and basically her answer was this; 'In past relationships i've rushed right into them and they have turned out bad, I dont want to mess this one up because she really likes me, and wants to try it differently'...

 

She told me that probably 2-3 weeks ago. Her friend told me the other day that she is "So close to being official with you that she can touch it".

 

Maybe I should give it another week or two and see how things go. Im not in any rush, Im just a bit worried that im being strung along. Although all clues point to otherwise

 

Unfortunately in my experience that is a bunch of bull. You are a completely different person, not "her past relationships" and she has no business dragging her baggage into your relationship and effecting you with it. It's been 5 weeks. It doesn't take that long to become "official" and I am very suspicious as to her real motivations. I guarantee that what she said is not the whole story.

 

You cannot subject yourself to someone like this. Take a stand for yourself. All clues point to you being strung along. It'd disrespectful for her to have you "hang around" until she decides it's okay, and you're disrespectful to yourself to let it happen. And don't buy this bait of "She's ALMOST there!" is that? You either want a exclusive relationship with me or you don't. If you don't, then prepare to deal with the fact I may be scooped up by a girl whom is.

[Hope75]

Is she seeing other people while being 'unofficial' with you?

 

If not, I would take what she says at face value and give her some time. Her reasoning is sound enough.

 

Is she worth giving a bit more time to?

[Rider0375]

No she is not seeing anyone while being with me. And has no plans to.

 

She is completely worth more time. Shes the coolest girl i've ever met. Everything feels different with her, its such a great feeling.

 

I wont give up that easy ;P

[Dating Coach]

I wont give up that easy ;P

 

So what exactly do you intend to do? You've already made it clear that you aren't happy with the current status and are ready for more. What are you planning right now?

[sarge17]

Good answer Diggity. OP take this advice to heart

 

Yes, in a nutshell you need to have more options availible. You might be surprised how she will act towards you when you start hanging with other people besides her.

 

It will show how serious she is.

 

Your in a great situation,chill out, keep your emotions in check and protect your heart. Things are taking their natural course. By that I mean you should always let the women ask for exclusitivity or commitment first. Dont you.

 

Just dont bring it up. Live your life as you would when she is ready to be more of a part of it she will ask.