OMG please help. Who do I choose?

[nero872]

Hello everyone. I'm in a major jam, maybe you can help.

So i have been with this girl, we will call her "girl A", for 4 years now. We have had some problems down the road and recently some major ones involving her lying alot and doing things behind my back. No cheating that I know of though.

This last blow up has left us separated for a couple months now. We get along great and make a good team but its just comfortable. Theres no passion or anything left. I love her but its not like that "i just wanna breath you in, hold you and never let go" kind of love.

So anyway, during this seperation I have been talking to one of my friends again who happens to be a girl (girl B) and who i happen to have been madly in love with for a couple years now. She feels the same way about me. She is everything I ever wanted. Well almost, she has some flaws but who does'nt. Its very passionate on a spritual level. Like we were meant to be together. Even though she is 10 years younger than me. I worry about that a bit too.

So heres the problem, girl A and I have built a life together, bought a bunch of stuff, started a company, pets, have everything we need. Its comfortable but kinda stagnant. If I go back to her all my dreams of working for myself and doing my thing will happen and it will be... comfy.

Now with girl B I will lose all of that I have built up for the last 4 years, my pets (who are like kids), most of my stuff, a good friend who is family, and i will basically be starting over from scratch. Girl B has nothing really. Barely even furniture, nothing to cook with hardly and so on. But with girl B I get the love of my life. Someone i would marry in a heartbeat and have kids with (i was apposed to kids before lol).

Help? I have no one to talk to about this. Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.

[Clabs]

Hey nero and welcome to ENA.

 

Can I ask how old you all are? Also, can you tell us what girl A lied about?

 

This extra info might help us better help you.

 

Mark

[nero872]

Thanx for the welcome.

I am 35. Girl A lied about doing alot of drugs. Ive had alot of problems with drugs and so has she (before we met). I lost everything because of it in the past. I told her at the beginning that i couldnt stick around if she decided to do them again. She did, this last time was the 4th time i caught her. And when she confessed this last time, she lied about how much she did. So half truths are common with her.

[fmjosie]

WOW, I wish I could help you, I really do! That kinda sounds like my boyfriend..... but I'M girl A so I'm biased (stick with girl A, lol!), in my case I think girl B will come along one day.......

 

In my situation, if girl B does come along, I'm hoping that for some insane reason, she'll feel the same as me and possibly want to join our relationship, but be separate at the same time. But I'm crazy, so don't think in a million years your girl A will agree to that, lol

 

Annnnnnyway, I feel silly replying since I don't seem to have an answer for you. Have you talked to either girl about any of this?

 

I just read your other post..... at 25, girl B should have more than what she does. You don't need someone who's totally dependant on you forever.

[thisishell]

Am I understanding this post correctly, that you have been with GirlA for 4 years and have been in love with Girl B for a couple of years. Meaning you have been in love with someone else for half the time you have been with Girl A. SOunds to me like you need to grow up and start treating relationships in your life with some respect. In this case you are disrespecting Girl A and Girl B is so low that she is the other woman. I apologize for being blunt, because if you look at my past posts, I am usually very sympathetic but in this case, this ticks me off. I do apologize if I misread your post and you not involved with 2 woman at one time.

[thisishell]

I just reread your post and see that Girl B sees herself as just a friend and not a lover......But your still cheating on Girl A emotionally by having these feelings for another. Again, sorry.

[Ash]

Don't trade off material things against what's in your heart. You won't be happy if you don't love the person you're with more than anybody else. All the material things in the world won't matter then. They can all come later anyway with whoever you're with.

[nero872]

Am I understanding this post correctly, that you have been with GirlA for 4 years and have been in love with Girl B for a couple of years. Meaning you have been in love with someone else for half the time you have been with Girl A. SOunds to me like you need to grow up and start treating relationships in your life with some respect. In this case you are disrespecting Girl A and Girl B is so low that she is the other woman. I apologize for being blunt, because if you look at my past posts, I am usually very sympathetic but in this case, this ticks me off. I do apologize if I misread your post and you not involved with 2 woman at one time.

I never cheated on Girl A. girl B and I decided NOT to hang out anymore because the feelings were so deep and it would be wrong to do that to girl A. We never even spoke again until Gilr A and I split this last time.

[nero872]

Don't trade off material things against what's in your heart. You won't be happy if you don't love the person you're with more than anybody else. All the material things in the world won't matter then. They can all come later anyway with whoever you're with.

 

See now thats what my heart says. But there are always these nagging doubts!

[nero872]

WOW, I wish I could help you, I really do! That kinda sounds like my boyfriend..... but I'M girl A so I'm biased (stick with girl A, lol!), in my case I think girl B will come along one day.......

 

In my situation, if girl B does come along, I'm hoping that for some insane reason, she'll feel the same as me and possibly want to join our relationship, but be separate at the same time. But I'm crazy, so don't think in a million years your girl A will agree to that, lol

 

Annnnnnyway, I feel silly replying since I don't seem to have an answer for you. Have you talked to either girl about any of this?

 

I just read your other post..... at 25, girl B should have more than what she does. You don't need someone who's totally dependant on you forever.

 

Well it doesnt sound that insane. Girl A liked to bring other girls home. lol.

They both know the deal. No secrets. And yes girl B should have more. But she is in no way dependent on me. Shes very independent. In fact, she didnt date men before she met me.

[nero872]

I feel bad like im abandoning her and my pets an leaving her with alot of responsibility. Am i being selfish? I could easily just stay with her and do my thing. It would be easy.

[nero872]

Am I understanding this post correctly, that you have been with GirlA for 4 years and have been in love with Girl B for a couple of years. Meaning you have been in love with someone else for half the time you have been with Girl A. SOunds to me like you need to grow up and start treating relationships in your life with some respect. In this case you are disrespecting Girl A and Girl B is so low that she is the other woman. I apologize for being blunt, because if you look at my past posts, I am usually very sympathetic but in this case, this ticks me off. I do apologize if I misread your post and you not involved with 2 woman at one time.

 

Also the universe doesnt always work out the way we want. Timing is off sometimes. atleast i was wise enough to recognize this. maybe you should redifine your concept of sympathy.

[nuttybuddy]

the problem is, you have committed and invested a lot into girl A. you have invested almost to the degree of being married. all you are missing are marriage papers. but since you didn't get married, it's still legal for you to walk away from it without much hassle.

 

i donno... personally, i don't like girl A because she's into drugs, lies about it, and you just never know.

 

so i can't really advise you to stay with girl A....

 

as for girl B, you really have to weigh if she is worth flipping your world upside down for. i mean, that's a lot of commitment. what if she's not going to be that into you, as you are into her? and what if she's overwhelmed that you dumped everything you had just to be with her? that's a lot of pressure!

 

instead of mooching off of one girl to the next... why don't you try a transition period? try being independent and on your own for awhile away from both girl A and girl B. then...... after you feel like you can take on more in your world, then you should add romance. right now, you don't sound like you have much of an individuality....

[nero872]

Yea I thought about doing that too. But its really hard for girl b and I to be apart. It really sucks. We are VERY attached to each other.

[nuttybuddy]

hmmm...."very attached to each other." that doesn't sound healthy.

 

if you really want a healthy relationship... you should be able to stay away from each other and still be madly in love.

[nero872]

hmmm...."very attached to each other." that doesn't sound healthy.

 

if you really want a healthy relationship... you should be able to stay away from each other and still be madly in love.

 

oh we did, for about a year.

[nuttybuddy]

does girl A know how you feel about girl B? if she doesn't, then you've already emotionally cheated on her. i think you need to sit down and talk to girl A. maybe it's something you guys can work out. was there ever passion in the beginning of your relationship with girl A? passion fades away and that's only natural. in any case.... if girl A won't forgive you for cheating on her, then i guess you have your answer....

[nero872]

does girl A know how you feel about girl B? if she doesn't, then you've already emotionally cheated on her. i think you need to sit down and talk to girl A. maybe it's something you guys can work out. was there ever passion in the beginning of your relationship with girl A? passion fades away and that's only natural. in any case.... if girl A won't forgive you for cheating on her, then i guess you have your answer....

 

yea she knows. And Girl A and I have had a discussion about the fact that I didnt think there was any passion or sparks left and how I feel like I cant trust anything she says.

[jellytot]

Nero872

 

So youve confirmed now that while youve been with your girl A... You were actually in love with girl B. So thereforeeee that is emotional cheating.

 

Your relationship with girl A, should have ended when you had feelings for girl B.

 

I think youre making this harder than what it actually is.

 

Sit down with girl A. Have a talk, and tell her you have been in love with someone else for over a year, Girl A will make the decision for you, and most likely give you the boot.

 

Simple, easy, and then you can run off with girl B, like youve been wanting to for years.

 

Good idea, bad idea?

[jellytot]

Anyways, i think going to Girl b, isnt even an issue here.

 

I think the relationship has run its course. You cant trust your girl, and she cant trust you as theres been 'another girl' type thing. The trust is gone, and i dont think its something that this relationship is capable of gaining back.

 

Especially if your girl is dipping into drugs, and especially if your minds set on another girl.

 

I think this is just a sad situation where two people need to part ways. Best do it soon, because the later you leave it, the harder its going to be to 'build your life up' again.

 

xxx

[nero872]

Nero872

 

So youve confirmed now that while youve been with your girl A... You were actually in love with girl B. So thereforeeee that is emotional cheating.

 

Your relationship with girl A, should have ended when you had feelings for girl B.

 

I think youre making this harder than what it actually is.

 

Sit down with girl A. Have a talk, and tell her you have been in love with someone else for over a year, Girl A will make the decision for you, and most likely give you the boot.

 

Simple, easy, and then you can run off with girl B, like youve been wanting to for years.

 

Good idea, bad idea?

 

Interesting. Why does it feel selfish that I'm "running off" with girl B?

[nuttybuddy]

hmmm, girl A knows that you like girl B and is still willing to be with you?? that's a little weird. why would she want to be with you if she knows that you like someone else? i don't get it. is it the money from the company that can support her drug habit? what is really keeping girl A from breaking up with you? it just doesn't make sense.

[jellytot]

Well what selfish, is that you have been wanting to do it for ages.... That was selfish, but doing it is not selfish, only cos you left it so long do i think you 'wronged' your girlfriend.

 

Had you decided to get with girl B earlier, then, that would be ok. Bit rubbish for the girlfriend, but if someone meets someone else that they would like to be with, then, hey, what can one do.

 

Maybe you feel guilty? After wanting to for so long, and then doing it... maybe thats like way to real. And so feels wrong.

 

but i do think you should be single, before just jumping in with another girl, no matter how good it seems. Find your feet first, So you can decide if this is really what you want.

 

Time on your own, then you can think with a clear head, do you really want to be without your girlfriend A? Or is it just feeling that way. You will only know if you are single for a while.

 

How did you meet girl b? She is only 25 hey... Does she want to settle down with pets and stuff now? I dont really think so, as shes not got 'anything' of her own now.

 

Shes young, and quite clearly wants to stay young for a while. Whereby you, are talking of children with this girl, and settling down...

 

Do you really think girl be will offer you this, or is girl b going to be this situation where in a years time she realises she isnt ready for such a commitment, and you end up shriveled on the floor wishing you never left girl A.

 

Dunno, Imagination, Lust, Newness, etc, are all very shortly lived. Need to think about things really hard....

[nero872]

hmmm, girl A knows that you like girl B and is still willing to be with you?? that's a little weird. why would she want to be with you if she knows that you like someone else? i don't get it. is it the money from the company that can support her drug habit? what is really keeping girl A from breaking up with you? it just doesn't make sense.

 

Yea I dont get it either. She doesnt care. I think shes in a comfy spot too. Maybe afraid of loss. I dont know. Alot of people dont like change. How does that saying go?, "fear of loss is greater that hopeful gain". Maybe it applies here.

[jellytot]

Nuttybuddy, well i think you have that right... I think if girl A is willing to stick around with this, its most definitely because of the drugs. Not necessarily the money, but just the drugs. She doesnt really care about herself if shes into drugs, drugs rule you.

 

So the answer to me is one hundred percent likely the drugs...

 

But really, thats her problem, if she allows this stuff.