When he comes back to me...

[CatsMeeoow]

My story -

 

My guy looked me up after 19 years after high school. He always had a huge crush on me and I was too busy working on getting into college to give him the time of day.

 

A couple of years after his divorce he took a chance to contact me (I have to say very bold!) I had ended a relationship about 3 years earlier and while I had gone on maybe 1 or 2 dates during that time I wasn't dating or looking and was just being a busy single mom (I didn't need a man).

 

He swept me off my feet. We fell in love almost instantaneously. He pursued me - I was nervous about starting this relationship - he convinced me. We talked about living together... marriage... then he freaked out and got cold feet. This was last October. I stepped back and did limited contact and we got things going again. We weren't where we were before but we were spending time together and doing things. I think I was a little flustered because we hadn't made a full recovery and he still had up all these walls and kept me at a distance. But, I love him and was doing my best to be patient.

 

Then toward the end of Jan some stupid misunderstanding on the phone and it was over. No big fight just miscommunication. I panicked. I called repeatedly to explain my case (he just got angry and refused to pick up the phone.) I even showed up the next day to say how sorry I was - he wasn't very responsive. The hardest part is he is going through so many personal issues - When we first hooked up he was happy in a job he liked but over time he wasn't doing very good at it and was sufferring financially. In Jan he had already been looking for a job for a couple of months so I know he was stressed. Somehow I was adding to that stress so he cut me loose.

 

I did all the common mistakes I was pushing and he was pulling away. I offerred to support him for awhile - give him a place to live (but I suppose with men it's a pride thing too.)

 

I know he will be a financial success he just needs to remain patient - I know he'll get there. I'm proud of him because he finally got a job and not the job he wanted in fact most would feel it's a step backwards and many wouldn't have taken it but it's a job that pays the bills. He's managing a gas station but what makes it worse is it's the gas station right next to the successful family business he was once married into. Gosh - I can only imagine how hard that is but I feel that he has nothing to be ashamed of and he should hold his head high.

 

While we've talked on the phone but we've had no one on one time since maybe last May and that was a very brief visit.

 

His birthday is coming up and I would like to buy him tickets for an event I know he'd like. I thought about just buying two tickets but that might put a little to much pressure on it just being him and me so I thought about buying four tickets then he could invite one of his really good friends and her boyfriend and it could potentially be a great time the four of us with less pressure.

 

What's the better choice? And if I give him the tickets for his birthday I guess there is the chance that he doesn't take me - I would clearly know it was over then!!! LOL!!! I mean if you get a set of tickets for your birthday then doesn't that mean you're supposed to take the person who gave them to you? I know there is no hard and fast rule but what is the general consensus?

[Beec]

I think a set of tickets sounds like it is a bit much, right now.

I know a guy who was a poster here. Twice he went to exes with big dramatic gifts after the relationship was over. Both times, they looked at him like a stalker. The dramatic gift seeming as something that will get them back can backfire. So be careful.

 

Now, if you can give him soemthing without seeming to ask for anything in return from him, then you might be able still to do this.

 

So what would you expect to happen, what would you let happen, how would you handle yourself? If you go with him, then seem like you want back in, that is unlikely to work for you. If you want him, you need to get him to want that too before you make any moves. If you go and seem to not want him, then it could work for you.

 

BTW, how expensive are these tickets and how much might you want to go without him?

[CatsMeeoow]

Well my first idea for a birthday gift was just to have a star named after him - I thought it was cute and a no pressure thing but a friend of mine (guy) thought it was kind of cheesey so then I came up with the idea of the tickets and this friend made a comment that it was a very thoughtful gift because it shows how much I know about him and what kind of things he likes.

 

I would like to go with him but just for fun - I have no intention or desire to ask about our relationship. I don't want him to feel any pressure what so ever so I thought by having enough tickets that he could invite some friends there would be less pressure on him that this night was about us as a couple and more about just having fun together.

[hosswhispra]

Don't get the tickets. Everything you wrote here says a big no-no to me. That would be the fasted route to cooling things off permanently.

 

 

My advice and thoughts on this:

 

1. He would feel pressured (I think you already know this deep down because you're asking the question here!)

 

2. Back off of him. Give him some space. Otherwise he'll feel crowded and you'll have effectively pushed him further away. Let him come to you now. He knows how you feel. Just give him time and space.

[Clabs]

Hey CatsMeeoow and welcome to ENA.

 

Firstly, I am sorry you find yourself in this mess but you will get some good advice on here from people who have been or are still going through what you are.

 

There is quite a bit of debate on here regarding what to do on an anniversary or birthday of an ex. Whether to send a card, txt, email, call, or even in your case - to send a gift.

 

The problem here is that you don't know what is going on in his head so anything you say or do is open to be misconstrued - to not be taken in the kind natured way intended. Look at the example Beec has given - all of a sudden you become a stalker! So with this in mind - I would always verge on the side of caution and not do anything at all.

 

This may seem hard and callous but you are broken up and he is an ex. How many other ex's do you send birthday gifts to? I know that ultimately you want him back - but you have to step back and let him come to you.

 

Mark

[Gratsy]

I don't think he's ready right now. You shouldn't pressure him. Its not the right time for him. I wouldn't want to be involved with someone if I was having financial struggles either.

[pinkelephant]

Simply get him a card, he's an ex. Or maybe just text to say happy birthday. Save the tickets til later. He knows you know him. He knows you know what he likes, etc etc. You don't need to enforce that, especially now, when it's easy to come off as desperate and push him even further away.

 

 

Two words: BACK OFF.

 

[CatsMeeoow]

Thanks for the opinions - it does help me think it over carefully.

 

While I have read the "how to get your ex back" that so many people talk about...

 

I had read "how to get your lover back" by Blase Harris and his recommendations are slightly different. He talks about staying in contact but always keeping it positive. He also talks about sending cards and acknowleging birthdays - he stresses to not miss an opportunity to send a card with the example of 'it's president polks birthday' and sign your name.

 

So I thought the tickets would be a way of creating a positive experience. He's not against seeing me. But, I know and accept that I'm not a priority right now.

 

Thanks Mark for the warm welcome!

[hosswhispra]

If you have a double intent in sending the card-do not send the card. Double intent is when do something and you expect something back (i.e., getting your ex back).

 

However, if there isn't any double intent on your part, then by all means send him the gift.

[Beec]

I think sending a card is something I definitely would do, regardless of my intent. The card would be both vague and positive and not reveal any of my intentions or desires. And I would keep my intentions and desires to myself for a while, and it seems since you are talking and he is willing to see you, you are probably not revealing too much right now.

 

I do not see a big down side to wishing someone a happy birthday.

 

A gift on the other hand, that's something that can onyl be done if done by hitting the right price or amount of effort. See if I can draw an analogy. Imagine a first date. A man takes a woman out, shows up dressed in a suit, with flowers, takes her in a limo, to an expensive restaurant, buys her a wonderful dinner, and he will fail miserably. All this stuff would seem like he was trying to buy her attention and affection. And while it sounds good at some level (marketing has done it's job in selling us on this concept), it just will not work. However, if she has been dating him for a while and has pretty much fallen for the guy, it will work. Timing of the grand gesture is important.

 

Now, if on the other hand on made a gesture that was not so grand, not very expensive, and seemed like you expected nothing from it, then it could work. Yes, it could create a positive experience, but you also need to make sure there are no expectations.

 

ONe important thing to remember is what makes us fall for those people we fall for. We fall for those that give us emotional fulfillment (make us feel special, appreciated, etc.) AND do that while remaining aloof and independent, not needy or clingy. When you get needy or clingy, you put stress on the relationship, and the emotional fulfillment becomes not worth what the costs of obtaining it are. So, if you giving the tickets comes accross with expectations, then it is more likely to flop.

 

I think I am repeating myself a bit there, but maybe it helps.

 

In the end, you need to decide and pick what feel right for you, and you if you understand the right ideas, your chances of doing that are better.

[CatsMeeoow]

Thanks so much Beec...

 

The tickets are just $50.00 so it's not a huge expense - that's inline with the costs with other gifts I have given him in the past. I've never given him anything extravagent in the past. He's always commented on my gifts were always small tokens but very endearing and very thought out.

 

I mean at Christmas time this past year he was soooo broke and looking for work that I didn't want to overdo it and make him feel bad so I just picked out a Hallmark ornament that I felt represented who as a person he was too me.

 

When he graduated and got his BS this spring I got him a leather portfolio with him name embossed so he would look all official going on those interviews! Turns out he desperately needed a new one - that his old looked so bad he wouldn't take it to interviews with him. Yippie for me I thought... now he'll have this thing that he carries around and when he sees it he thinks of me! ;-)

 

So the tickets seem to be inline with things I done in the past.

 

And, with what you said in your last post I'll give him the tickets and will not be expected to be invited... he'll have 4 tickets to use as he sees fit - maybe to invite his friends or maybe he'll take his two kids and stepson or maybe he'll take a date????

 

I will give them because I know it is something he would like to do and that will make him happy and maybe in the end if he goes with or without me at some point he'll think about me???

[hosswhispra]

I will give them because I know it is something he would like to do and that will make him happy and maybe in the end if he goes with or without me at some point he'll think about me???

 

I predict that you're going to feel rather resentful, if you give him those tickets and he doesn't take you with him/think of you in some way.

 

You may 'feel' like giving him those tickets as a gift now is a good idea because right now there is a possibility that exists in your mind that he may take you with him/think of you.

 

Well, what if that doesn't happen after you give him those tickets?

 

Think of how you will feel then. Doesn't make you feel too good, right?

 

Nah-big mistake do not send them.

 

I don't mean to come of as harsh. I just aim to tell it like it is.

[CatsMeeoow]

hmmmm.... had a totally weak moment.... text'd him.... could kick myself now... at least he responded that he was still at work... could have been worse... he could have ignored me (and he knows what power ignoring me has over me - it makes me go over the top... so not proud of that!)

 

I am determined to win this man's heart back... I am convinced that we are to be married... I've been through some serious relationships and heartbreaks but never felt so strongly that this was meant to be... I know he came back into my life for a reason...

 

Just trying to keep my chin up.