Sexually attracted to married friend

[Kalbi]

I currently have a friend, who is married, and I'm beginning to have sexual feelings for her. We've known each other for more than a decade and I've also known the husband since high school. There was a point in time when I actually lived with them for a couple of years as a roommate and we are all still very close friends.

 

But recently, there was an incident where I felt that she was flirting with me. Of course, we both had been drinking. She had started physically hitting me, kind of playing and joking around. But then she started to get really close, almost on top of me, and that's when I started having these intense feelings for her. In all of the 10 years I've known her, she's never shown any interest. It was really her energy that I was picking up on.

 

So now, I can't get the incident out of my mind. I've been thinking and fantasizing about her all the time now and it's making me completely conflicted emotionally.

 

What I'm wondering is if she's picking up on me being a lonely guy and if that is why she's suddenly showing interest. We have a group of friends where, at this point in life, they either are married or have a boyfriend/girlfriend. From the time that she's known me, I haven't been in a relationship with anyone. Yeah, I know, the 10 years we've known each other is a long time. My last relationship was in high school and I'm now 30 But I'm generally a happy guy considering I've been single since high school.

 

The thing is, I don't get many girls who show interest in me (cue the worlds smallest violin) but when they do show interest, like my friend, it's completely new to me and I get these intense sexual and spiritual feelings. And I fantasize about having sex with her not as just an act, but something spiritual and completely cathartic.

 

I know even thinking about this is wrong considering the wife and husband are both my good friends which is why I decided to not hang out with them for a while so I can just cool down.

 

So thanks for reading this, somewhat long winded post. I alread feel better getting this out and seeing it on the screen

[Entropy Smith]

It was definitly a signal at the time it happened anyway.

 

It depends on what you want or how much you value your relationship/friendship.

 

She probably knew you were too much of a non-gamer to respond to her overt tactics.

 

Just do waht you always do. Take care of business by yourself and keep living your happy life.

[Shin kensen]

It was definitly a signal at the time it happened anyway.

 

It depends on what you want or how much you value your relationship/friendship.

 

 

Yeah I agree, a girl hitting a guy in a playful way, and stuff, is usually a good sign.

 

I fantasize about having sex with her not as just an act, but something spiritual and completely cathartic.

 

Obviously your feelings for her are quite strong. If you do not act on them, maybe it will hurt, because you feel missed out on an opportunity.

[mystik]

It might hurt and yeah he might miss out on an "opportunity"...but what kind of "opportunity" would he be missing out on? One with a married woman? Worse yet, one with a married woman who would cheat on her husband? I'm not quite sure what your post meant to suggest Shin Kensen! Hopefully you're not suggesting that he does act on these feelings!

 

Kalbi, your method of dealing with this is a good one. I'm not sure what this woman thought she was doing but i'm glad to see that you realize nothing further should occur. Distancing yourself until you cool off is a great idea. Hopefully she won't act anything like that in the future. In the meantime, keep your cool, understand that you can't help what you feel, but you can help what you do about it. You seem strong and wise enough to see that, so good luck!

[Shin kensen]

It might hurt and yeah he might miss out on an "opportunity"...but what kind of "opportunity" would he be missing out on? One with a married woman? Worse yet, one with a married woman who would cheat on her husband? I'm not quite sure what your post meant to suggest Shin Kensen! Hopefully you're not suggesting that he does act on these feelings!

 

What I'm saying is, don't leave powerful feelings unexplored! So I am saying, act on the feelings, but caveat emptor (lol).

 

Plus I don't know what's wrong with a "married woman who would cheat on her husband", just because someone would be unfaithful in one relationship, doesn't mean it would happen in another. It's not a "fling" if emotions are involved, what if she ends up falling in love with the OP. But he would never know if he takes your advice and doesn't explore.

 

OP, I suggest you don't take advice that might deny you love. Think about it very carefully, balance the odds, and take the risk if you believe it's the right thing to do.

[agent1607307371]

You say she's suddenly showing an interest? Is there something more than the drunk incident happening?

 

TBH, she's known you a long time and was drunk. I don't think she was making a move on you, I think she really was just playing about because you are "safe".

 

I agree that you should not hang with them until you are able to let these feelings for her lapse and move past them.

[mystik]

What I'm saying is, don't leave powerful feelings unexplored! So I am saying, act on the feelings, but caveat emptor (lol).

 

Plus I don't know what's wrong with a "married woman who would cheat on her husband", just because someone would be unfaithful in one relationship, doesn't mean it would happen in another. It's not a "fling" if emotions are involved, what if she ends up falling in love with the OP. But he would never know if he takes your advice and doesn't explore.

 

OP, I suggest you don't take advice that might deny you love. Think about it very carefully, balance the odds, and take the risk if you believe it's the right thing to do.

 

I can sort of see where you're coming from here on it being hard to ignore powerful feelings and leaving them unexplored. I guess I'm just against it if the other person is married because I'm a big believer in Karma. Whether the person is married or simply in a relationship, is a big enough of a deference for me. Yes, maybe they won't cheat on YOU, but do you really want to be with someone who COULD cheat on another? I certainly wouldn't! And, just because emotions are involved, doesn't suggest that these emotions are MEANINGFUL and NOT just a momentarily fling. If anything, emotions that we humans have are one of the least reliable things when faced with love and/or lust. Just because you FEEL something, doesn't make it real love. People mistaken love with infatuation and other emotions all the time.

[nuttybuddy]

I completely agree with Mystik.

 

Marriage is not something to be taken so lightly of.

 

Emotions are fickle. Do not rely on them.

 

Hey Kalbi,

 

That was just ONE DRUNKEN NIGHT of acting dumb on her part. You gotta think that that was ONE DRUNKEN NIGHT of you feeling horny by her. And stop thinking about it further. Just leave it at that.

 

People do some stoopid things when they're drunk. Doesn't mean that they would do the same things when they are not drunk. If she tries to flirt with you when she's NOT drunk, then you have something to worry about... but right now..... just keep your hormones under control.

[wester]

I kinda know what you're going through. i posted something similar on "Attraction and Flirting," under the title "Married women and Flirting." I got some good responses. Here's the link.

 

 

 

BAsically, I am very attracted to a married co-worker. And, like you, it started from one night of drunken contact (I was drunk, not sure about her) where her husband was not around and I wrapped my arms around her from behind a couple times. She laughed, and we talked and everything felt just so perfect. The next morning, I was hung over and could not get her out of my mind. there were a couple of things that happened between us in the past that others on this site have said are flirting on her part, but I don't know.

 

Like you, i think i felt her "energy," happiness and spirit, and that was it for me. And, like you, I don't exactly have a line of women at my door, so I really react to situations like this.

 

i just wanted to tell you that having no contact is the best thing you can do. Like someone told me, if we really care for someone, and want the best for them, sometimes that means acknowledging that we can't be with them, and that we should not mess with their happiness.

 

I'm still dealing with this sh*t every day, and it's hard. So i know how you feel, and I also know that you're doing the right thing. Message me if you ever want to talk about this stuff.

[Celadon]

i just wanted to tell you that having no contact is the best thing you can do. Like someone told me, if we really care for someone, and want the best for them, sometimes that means acknowledging that we can't be with them, and that we should not mess with their happiness.

I totally agree with wester. If love (rather than lust) is what you're feeling, then you should want the best for her. She has not expressed any interest in you, save for the one drunken night. So it's safe to say that while she cares for you as a friend, she is committed to her husband.

 

You need to get out and date. Period. The longings you have for being with a woman are normal, but you need a more appropriate outlet -- one that won't mean the complete ruin of your friendship and creation of long-lasting scars for your friends (and you). Go on link removed. Ask your friends to set you up with someone. Do SOMETHING so that you are not dwelling on how it felt that night with your friend.

 

There are many opportunities for you out there. Don't focus on one that will only lead to destruction.

[Kalbi]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

 

Wester, I'm glad to have found someone who can relate.

 

I've actually hung out with the couple the past two weekends. She pretty much called me to hang out with some other close friends of mine who were in town. I do value the friendship more than anything with her and the husband so I'll leave it at that and try to focus on my life.