Trying something new. Hopefully.

[MadGenius]

Hey, I've been reading around here a little bit lately, and generally feeling lonely and depressed.

 

Anyway....I'm shy, I have trouble meeting people....and I've realized that nothing is ever going to change unless I DO something about it.

 

I decided to go back to college this semester after some truly horrible experiences (the social scene is dreadful to me, but I have to keep trying). I've decided to join up with a ski club, get into some theater, and just plain not be a wussy around girls.

 

In the past I've always been rejected, sometimes it was really unexpected, and things went downhill fast afterwards. I want to change my ways...

 

What I realize I've been doing is being too friendly, for too long, without making an actual 'move'. Then, it's unexpected for her, and I get even more upset when she turns me down because I thought things were going well.

 

I don't want to be a 'jerk'. I just want to be....assertive? Confident? Upfront? How should I go about these...situations.

 

Couple that with a crippling fear of anyone actually saying 'yes'. What would I talk about? What do I have to offer? Sometimes I think I'm boring. Cross that bridge when I come to it, I guess.

[Entropy Smith]

Whatever class you are taking, whatever activity you are doing take it seriously, think of the women around as secondary and relax and quit trying so hard and the rest will come...

[MadGenius]

I think having something go well socially would be a HUGE help overall. A girl would be great, but just having people to talk to when I go to that horrible place is the main goal.

 

I've just plain stopped going in the past because it's so lonely.

 

My problem is that I'm either too quiet and don't talk to anyone, or I come on waaaay too strong. When I'm in a good mood, I'm very loud and eccentric. It sends people running.

[Entropy Smith]

Work on your social skills dude.

 

The best communicators are good listeners.

 

You get alittle hype when you are feeling good. At a party you should do well.

[MadGenius]

Work on your social skills dude.

Haha. That might as well be what I'm going to school for. I'm trying, I really am. Somethings gotta change.

 

I don't get invited to parties....I'd love to, but it just doesn't happen.

[Entropy Smith]

Study interpersonal communications. I'm always surprised at how many guys take this advice as a joke. You'll have so many people wanting to hang with you you'll be the one looking to run from them.

[Gath]

Anyway....I'm shy, I have trouble meeting people....and I've realized that nothing is ever going to change unless I DO something about it.

 

good, you got the right attitude bud. keep focusing on it!

 

I decided to go back to college this semester after some truly horrible experiences (the social scene is dreadful to me, but I have to keep trying). I've decided to join up with a ski club, get into some theater, and just plain not be a wussy around girls.

 

still good!

 

In the past I've always been rejected, sometimes it was really unexpected, and things went downhill fast afterwards. I want to change my ways...

 

What I realize I've been doing is being too friendly, for too long, without making an actual 'move'. Then, it's unexpected for her, and I get even more upset when she turns me down because I thought things were going well.

 

I don't want to be a 'jerk'. I just want to be....assertive? Confident? Upfront? How should I go about these...situations.

 

Couple that with a crippling fear of anyone actually saying 'yes'. What would I talk about? What do I have to offer? Sometimes I think I'm boring. Cross that bridge when I come to it, I guess.

 

And right at the bottom you've still got your problems. Don't worry about what you'll talk about, don't worry about what you have to offer. You have to offer *you*. You can talk about things *you* like. *You* are a damn good person who any girl would be lucky to have, capiche? Think that way, and you won't have any problems.

 

When you meet a gal, you're trying to find out if you have common ground and stuff you both like right? So you should (at least partially) talk about yourself and things you like, or else how will you two find out if you have anything in common!

 

It can be very difficult maintaining your confidence, its like a muscle that needs to be constantly worked or it will atrophy. So wherever you go, whatever you're doing, remind yourself that you're a damn fine person, damn good looking, and damn interesting. If you catch yourself thinking bad thoughts about yourself, have one of your buddies give you a Charley horse. . . . that'll straighten you up.

[Dating Coach]

If you don't know what you have to offer and if you don't know your value, then how can you expect a woman to? A huge part of attraction is showing value. If you stand around saying, "I'm so desperate I will date ANYTHING!" do you think woman will walk up to you and say, "I'll do it."? No. You've basically declared you've no value. Now if you walked around having hobbies, a busy life full of activities, goals, self respect, self confidence and you were being very critical of those you were considering dating material... you're going to show more value. You'll show that you are somebody.

 

Let's start with this. What about yourself do you like? What about hobbies? Do you have any? What do you do?

[Miss M]

This reminds me of myself. I was having similar problems. I recently joined a computer club. I didn't go there to meet guys, but because I'd genuinely like to tinker around with computers. It's ALL men... and the only female is me. But hey, that's cool, because I used to work around all male computer geeks, it's familiar territory.

 

Again, totally without having romance on the mind, this one guy unexpectedly caught my eye, and my thoughts went there anyway. My usual way would be to withdraw, freeze, talk myself out of it, hide, self-reject, look away, ignore him. But I'm really trying to make a shift.... so I took a deep breath....

 

He's shy, a little withdrawn, and he blushes around me. I have no idea if he's available or interested, but I just decided to at least do with him what I was doing with all the other guys, say hello, introduce myself, make small talk. ... i.e. "hi, my name is ... saw you here before ... I thought the discussion was interesting... nice to see you again..." Basically I let him know I noticed him, and I was friendly, and open. We talked briefly, but enough that if I see him again we can at least say hello without us both running away to hide. If I see him again I'll probably just keep it light, remember that I'm usually likable (even when I can't fathom it). And if he also continues being friendly, I'll think of the next step, asking what brought him to the group, how long he's been involved, what type of laptop he likes, finding out if he's single, etc. As long as he's not looking as if he wishes I'd just please go away, I'll keep being more and more friendly and interested.

 

 

Be open, warm, friendly, enjoy yourself while you're there. Remind yourself that you're already okay. Perhaps talk a little bit about yourself, or say "I'm glad I'm taking this class (or joined this club) because it looks interesting/fun," and then ask questions about them, why they're there, how long, how they like it. I agree with Entrophy Smith that the women are secondary. And don't hesitate to reach out to people(women) in a warm way whenever you have the opportunity.

 

 

Perhaps remember that if you have what she wants she'll be perceptive enough to notice. But if not, it's not a loss, she's just not the right one for you. You don't have to sell yourself, just BE yourself, and let the real you shine through. For instance, I'm adorable ( but definitely NOT the right woman for every guy. I only want that special one that especially clicks with me. I'm just putting the real me out there (instead of hiding) so he can see/recognize me if he's also out there. 99.9% of the guys I encounter are the "wrong" ones, but that's how it is for everybody. That's normal. You're really just ultimately looking for a select small percentage in the end, so don't let all the "duds" discourage you.

[MadGenius]

Hmm....Well, I'm smart enough to realize that I do have alot to offer. It's just I've been real....down of late. I'm not sure if I'm showing off the right things.

 

A friend told me he thinks I'm having a harder time because I'm so much more bitter and negative than I used to be, and people are picking up on that.

 

Honestly...when I used to be loud and outgoing and eccentric....I think people noticed. I talked to people back then, people would say things.

 

Maybe I just have to be more...myself, and stop worrying and thinking too much. If someone doesn't like how I really act, do I really want to get to know them better?

 

It's hard though, going into a situation where I don't know anyone, and knowing that just by being myself, I'm going to scare half of them off right off the bat. I guess I DO just have to learn some interpersonal skills. Be able to act like myself....but still get along.

 

Best I can do is try, right? If it doesn't work out....no big deal. I've been dealing with failure for a couple years now.

[MadGenius]

Pfft. Easier said than done. Today sure wasn't a success story.

[Gath]

Pfft. Easier said than done. Today sure wasn't a success story.

 

muscles need to be worked. when you're weight lifting sometimes you increase your max that weak, other times you don't quite make it. But you're always strengthening that muscle.

 

Don't give up! Every time you try makes it easier the next time, just focus on keeping a good attitude.

[Miss M]

Pfft. Easier said than done. Today sure wasn't a success story.

Success? Failure? When it doesn't work out I just see it as something that wasn't meant to be. No failures there. The most important thing is to be out there giving it a shot, because sitting on the sidelines isn't an option anymore.

 

Or maybe you should tell us what happened?

[MadGenius]

Nothing happened. Another case of lead feet, is all. No big deal.

 

Like Gath says, I'm pumping iron. Sometime soon I'll be able to move those lead shoes.