Broken - I feel broken

[siennalou]

First of all - I want to apologize for my cranky emails on the prostitute posts. I did not mean to offend anyone but I'm sad beyond belief. Please forgive me for being so bit**y.

 

I was married for 20 years to a verbally and emotionally abusive man who I loved very much. He broke my heart.

 

It's not like I want to get back together with him - I don't. I first posted on the NC challenge because NC is actually what is clinically recommended for survivors of abuse. But I have no closure and sometimes it feels like death.

 

I don't want to be single at 47 years old. I just can't even imagine dating someone when I have been so devastated.

 

The fact my ex visited a prostitute is actually pretty minor. Which is why I'm not even sure why I'm so pissed off about that. But I am pissed off about that.

 

I just feel really broken. The man I loved really never existed. I tried so hard but it didn't make a difference.

 

He's engaged to an ex-friend of mine. She is his new victim - but I hate her. I wish I didn't.

[Desiderata]

20 years is a long time siennalou, so it's understandable that you feel as broken as you do. Being verbally and emotionally abused is something that I think I know something about, just because that's how my ex was with me. You love someone and feel like they care about you - yet they can say the most rude, awful, hurtful things and then try to apologize for them. You feel like you cannot live without their love, so you stick with things even if it hurts because there is hope that maybe it will get better.

 

I am not trying to say that I know everything about your marriage, I just know that I can relate in some ways. Without closure it is hard to move on - but that leads to the "what ifs" that happen when you do not know why someone left you or why they would ever want to. I still have unanswered questions but I think it's better to let them go unanswered so that I don't end up hurting myself all over again with an attempt to contact my ex so soon.

 

Right now dating is definitely something that should be put on hold, though I can understand how you feel like it will be impossible to ever want to be with anyone else. Him visiting a prostitute is something that seems so dirty and insulting - like you could be thinking "How could someone I loved go and do that" and it's not irrational to think those things.

 

People can be misleading all of the time and those that toy with our hearts never deserve our love. I'm sure that you gave your all in the relationship but he just wasn't worth and thought he could hurt you and things would be okay. The woman that he is now with should have been wary of him but it seems like there is nothing you can do but take pity on her. She got herself into a relationship with him and that is her own fault.

 

I'm so sorry that you are feeling the way you are and that you had to deal with him for so long. I wish I had more to say, but I wanted to at least say something.

[siennalou]

Thank you so much for all the kind words. At some point I will post my story - it is quite a train wreck!!

 

I am seeing a new counselor. I know it will help. It's hard because I think it is going to take awhile to recover. That's just the way it is tho I guess.

 

This is really a very terrific website with kind people - it gives me hope.

[Desiderata]

Posting your story will be a good way to just revisit what happened. I feel like everytime I tell my story I figure out something else and it's painful, but it helps me along. Recovery will take awhile, most definitely, but it will be worth the wait so that you can get back to being the person that you truly are.

 

After a day on here I felt so much better and I continue to just help out people and seek help from everyone - there is not one person I've met that has treated me without respect. It's fabulous.

[Dissed]

I'm so sorry siennalou

 

20 years is along time to suffer like this.

 

I have been with my wife for 17 years & we have been semi separated for about 6 months.

I was cheated on & what you have said about being brocken is spot on & feeling like it was all an illussion is how I feel.

 

I am 40 & of course dont want to be alone either.

Life is so cruel, why is it the people that treat their partner with decency & respect are the ones that get so hurt & let down.

 

I hope counselling helps you & that you come out with light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Dating again is a scary thing especially when you have been in a relationship for so long.

 

You will get through - Keep the faith

 

I wish you all the luck from the bottom of my heart