How Common is it to stay Friends with the Ex?

[desert_rose26]

Talking or rather chatting (for me) with my ex is still...enjoyable - I don't hate the guy but I don't love him either. He was my first one so maybe that's why I don't want to cut him out of my life. The closeness is lost forever but just friendly chat is still there.

 

Under no circumstances will I be getting back together with him. I was just wondering if what I am doing is bad or not. I'm still trying to go out to meet people but I don't like cutting off a once special person completely (him).

 

We chat ONLY a couple times a month. Do people usually stay in contact like that? Or just don't stay in contact at all? (I'm referring to breakups that stay friendly) Do you instead send Christmas cards?

 

(We were a LDR.)

[PRSOV]

I stay in contact with about 50% of my ex's.

 

Some were really good after and some weren't.

[desert_rose26]

Thanks, that gives me some idea of how other people do it. I asked because someone told me after all breakups, they go completely NC and move on.

[rsxguy520]

Bad Break up- gone out of my life for good.

 

Good Break up- sure i talk to them every now and then and catch up. =)

[SinfullySweet]

My ex and I are bestfriends - we speak everyday. In fact, I just got a present from him in the mail today. I'm not sure it's entirely healthy though since we both still have feelings for each other (mine stronger than his) and hooked up the last time we were together. If I really wanted to move on I'd cut him out of my life, but he calls every night and like you I don't want to lose such an important person. Good luck finding the best way to handle your ex relationship!

[jengh]

my ex, whom i dated for 4 years, remains my best friend today... I tell guys i'm dating about this and they can either accept it or leave... i look at him in a completely non-sexual way...we evolved from being "in love" to loving each other in a completely platonic way.. i wouldn't stop talking to him for anyone. He's a very important partof my life.

[jettison]

my ex, whom i dated for 4 years, remains my best friend today... I tell guys i'm dating about this and they can either accept it or leave... i look at him in a completely non-sexual way...we evolved from being "in love" to loving each other in a completely platonic way.. i wouldn't stop talking to him for anyone. He's a very important partof my life.

 

I told this to my new girlfriend that after I fell madly in love with. She left me because she couldn't accept it. It's been a hard road.

[TXStar7128]

I'm not friends with any of my exes. Its too hard for me. There is one that I am still very friendly with when we run into each other, but we don't chat outside of that. I think this is different for everyone...personally, I don't understand how anyone is able to do it. When someone has hurt me, I have a hard time wanting to be friendly with them, and I tend to not get over that!

[jengh]

I told this to my new girlfriend that after I fell madly in love with. She left me because she couldn't accept it. It's been a hard road.

 

wow, that's really unfortunate... i tell my boyfriends they need to hang out with him to see he is so NOT threatening... he has a girlfriend, no romantic feelings for me whatsoever...

[Dako]

It's hard to hate someone you loved, just because it's over.

If it was just a romance, there's nothing to salvage from the wreckage.

Friendships are worth keeping.

[jengh]

It's hard to hate someone you loved, just because it's over.

If it was just a romance, there's nothing to salvage from the wreckage.

Friendships are worth keeping.

 

VERY well said...couldn'tagree more

[desert_rose26]

Ok, so what Dako said made a lot of sense. Except I'm not sure if mine was just a romance. I think it was a getting to know me and you and then wow, we hit it off and then him asking will you be my gf. Happened fairly quickly in the gf/bf direction. So I guess it is both?

 

Also, eveytime we've talked, my ex has made a point to say "you are special, don't let anyone treat you differently" and stuff like "you will succeed, I know it. Why is he being so...supportive err..friendly? Breaking up was MY idea and then he agreed.

 

I don't know what is left to salvage except the connection of still having him in my life (ironic becaus we are in different countries). I don't feel hurt anymore at all. I'm over it. But him, he's not a jerk so keeping the connection is ok I guess. One reason is because I don't have enough friends...(I'm working on it).

[Sir Tristan CA]

How common is it? Very uncommon in my experience. Usually it just becomes awkward, especially if the relationship was good until the breakup. You find yourself longing for physical aspects that cannot happen anymore, and it makes things awkward, so most people avoid being friends with their ex-es altogether.

[tiredofvampires]

my ex, whom i dated for 4 years, remains my best friend today... I tell guys i'm dating about this and they can either accept it or leave... i look at him in a completely non-sexual way...we evolved from being "in love" to loving each other in a completely platonic way.. i wouldn't stop talking to him for anyone. He's a very important partof my life.

 

Exact same thing with me -- the man I was with for 3.5 years is now my best friend. The evolution was exactly as you described, even though I was hurt at first. I came around to see that it was for the best. Now, though, it is causing me great grief, since new guys feel threatened. My last bf was an LDR, so meeting my friend/ex was out of the question for a long time (it never did happen), but in the meantime, I had to constantly explain myself, he mistrusted me, and there was no way of convincing him. I will never again choose between my friends and my new man, it's not fair to put me in this position. However, all his friends thought I was terribly clueless and indiscrete, and because of prevailing opinions on this thread. It is just really sad he couldn't take my word for it. If I ever get in another LDR (quite likely because of where I live and my situation), I am very scared that I would have to justify this all over again. Best thing I think is to do just what you do: be upfront at the get-go and if they don't like it, lump it. It just made life very miserable.

 

I am prepared for it to go both ways. My man should retain his friends, ANY friends, so long as they are platonic -- it shows he is a loyal person. Loyalty translates to me, as I see it.

 

Do you hang out with your ex/friend a lot too, Cairo? Do men that you get with who are okay with this feel alright if you hang out with him alone?

[tiredofvampires]

It's hard to hate someone you loved, just because it's over.

If it was just a romance, there's nothing to salvage from the wreckage.

Friendships are worth keeping.

 

This was the crux of the misunderstanding and disconnect with me and my ex.

 

And now I see how thoroughly true this is.

 

I do not start relationships as "romances" -- though that was my ex's MO. I repeatedly tried to express that I needed him to be my "best friend" and I actually think it went over his head somehow. I think he didn't get it! He was a seducer, a Lover at heart, and I by contrast wanted to make friends with the man who would become my lover. That is how I have always approached relationships.

 

So he could not grasp why I maintained such strong relations with my past ex's, one in particular. He did not understand the importance they had in my life outside of the sexual component and how after the romance was over, those parts still remained valuable mutually. Since my ex typically just went from romance to romance, I finally saw that his idea of a post-relationship relationship was -- nothing. But wreckage and and big dustpan.

 

Thanks for putting that into words, Dako. That sums up what went wrong with us in our attitudes clashing. That, among many things.

[Alex Kidd]

Personally, I don't think it's possible. Either one person or both still harbours feelings, whether in relationships or not. Is it really worth the grief of annoying your new SO? I've always had clean breaks (even girls I've just dated) and to be honest don't believe girls and guys can be 'just friends' in the first instance (particularly when attraction led to 'friendship' in first instance).

 

For me, from a guys perspective one of three motivations lie for friendship with a girl:

 

1) He has had sex with girl in past and wants more

2) Has not had sex with her but wants to

3) Wants to have sex with her friends

 

Sorry for blowing the lid, but this is what I feel is the truth.

[Alex Kidd]

Desert Rose 26 does your ex know that under no circumstances will you be getting back with him. My guess is that if he did it may change his passion for a friendship with you, if you fully articulated this. No guy wants to hear about their exes new bf and all the good things they do together. To sit through such torment there must be some 'prize' waiting at the golden gates.

[tiredofvampires]

So Alex Kidd:

 

If you don't "believe" in it being possible for the guy and girl to be friends, and think your version is "truth", then how do you explain the FACT that me and a couple of other posters here have said that the TRUTH of our platonic friendships that once were romantic involvements is that it IS possible? I have after many years of being friends with exes NO desire to have sex with them, nor do they have desire to have sex with me or my friends and this is irrefutable. We see with our own eyes that these relationships not only can happen, but ARE happening in our cases. So how can you possibly say that we are mistaken? Do you think we are mistaken and/or lying about the nature of our friendships which we know inside out? How can you tell us that something is not able to happen when we are reporting that it is?

 

You should say that from YOUR experience, it's not possible and this is not how you conduct yourself. But you can't say that these relationships don't exist when they do any more than you can say the world is flat when it's been proven to be spherical.

[Alex Kidd]

Were the words "for me" and "personally" not used?

 

Sorry to disappoint but while you may have the best intentions and think your relationships are platonic from your side of things, most guys who are being honest will tell you that such friendships are based initially on attraction. Particularly when a guy is dumped, these things do more harm than good. Many won't disclose their intentions for years, but are probably pining for reconciliation down the line.

 

Are you telling me that your guy friends would say to you if you offered them a bit more than a cup of tea and a conversation that "they didn't want to go there because they'd ruin a beautiful friendship"? That is b**l.

 

Your relationships with these guys is not based on FACT but your OPINION. You cannot refute this. You don't know, nor do I fully know what is going on in these guys heads. Do recall I said this is my version of the truth, I did not say bible.

[rosie76]

Are you telling me that your guy friends would say to you if you offered them a bit more than a cup of tea and a conversation that "they didn't want to go there because they'd ruin a beautiful friendship"? That is b**l.

 

Most of my close friends - for decades - have been guys and yes, this has happened (and not because the physical attraction wasn't there). I think there are a lot of guys who operate on many different levels with girls, and much deeper levels with people, than you say you do. My friends (some of whom are also ex-boyfriends) and I are people to each other first and then boys and girls who may or may not want to sleep together. And this is absolutely true of other co-ed groups of friends I've known through my life. The idea that guys are only friends with guys and girls are only friends with girls unless sex is involved seems really outdated to me.

 

In answer to the OP - I've been friendly with all my exes and am best friends with one of them. Whether it works or not is all about whether the break was a good one where everyone was treated with care, whether there is a human connection between you that, as Dako succinctly put it, is more than romance, and whethere there are any lingering hopes for reconciliation on either side. First two = good friendship potential, but the last one is a killer. It sometimes takes a while to work out what your situation with an ex is, but in my experience it's always been worth the time and awkwardness. I have found that I usually need a break between being lovers and being friends for the friendship to have a chance to be honest and equal as breakups aren't usually completely mutual.

 

Good luck.

[Dako]

I realize there are people who see the opposite sex as only sexual objects, and have no patience for much else. They just can't believe men and women can be friends, because they can't handle it themselves. I'd really hate to be that limited because I've had some wonderful female friends over the years.

 

When my marriage ended, I still respect and admire my ex, so we're still friends. It's not that difficult.

[desert_rose26]

Desert Rose 26 does your ex know that under no circumstances will you be getting back with him. My guess is that if he did it may change his passion for a friendship with you, if you fully articulated this. No guy wants to hear about their exes new bf and all the good things they do together. To sit through such torment there must be some 'prize' waiting at the golden gates.

 

Yep, he knows. But I think he may be worried that he won't find any girl who will care about him as much as I did. He was my first and I gave it my all. I had a big heart and I still do.

[Miss Firecracker]

I have never remained friends with an ex after I was committed to someone else.

 

Some people think I am narrow minded when it comes to this, and probably I am. I was raised in a place where it was considered appalling to be out with an ex if you were married or even in a new committed relationship. It was just considered disrespectful to the new mate. You would be ostracized if you "dated" while married. Even if YOU didn't consider it dating, others would. It would be completely acceptable if your new partner was there with you, but alone? NEVER!

[Alex Kidd]

Yep, he knows. But I think he may be worried that he won't find any girl who will care about him as much as I did. He was my first and I gave it my all. I had a big heart and I still do.

 

So you're aware his intentions are probably not friendship? Why let him wallow? To be honest he needs to pick himself up, because EVERYONE can be replaced. He needs to realise he can find happiness elsewhere.

[fivespot]

alex kidd, I have to agree with you 100% here. When I have tried to stay friends with an ex, my ONLY reason was that I had hope she may want a relationship again eventually.

 

After I found out she didn't want me back, that's when I realized we each had nothing in common and I had no reason to stay friends with her.

 

Now that's what I call a valuable friendship...holding on to someone and then getting hurt when they move on to someone else

 

If you truly have no expectations (or are gay) then I can see how male/female platonic friendships can occur. But when one has feelings and the other doesn't, your friendship is headed for disaster. One person will eventually move on and the other will be left in the dust, heartbroken.