In-laws ignoring sexual abuse

[needhelpforme]

My 6 year old child was sexually abused by his 14 year old uncle, my husband's youngest brother, for 2 years while under my mother-in-law's care. My in-laws have not spoken to me since I reported the abuse. I have been ostracized by my in-laws and my son has received no nothing from them. What's worse is that my husband keeps visiting his family and celebrating birthdays with them leaving me with my son and his twin brothers at home. I don't understand why my husband cannot see how this hurts me. I mean, where is his loyalty to me and his children? Am I wrong to feel that he is unfaithful to me and his children when he leaves me to go have a good time with those who see me as the bad guy and with those who are totally ignoring my son? I need help in dealing and coping with all this.

[melrich]

I am so sorry to hear that this happened to your child. Compounding it is the fact that your in-laws are obviously blaming you for the reporting of their child. I don't condone that at all but I guess I can understand it.

 

Yes I think in a situation like this your husband has to throw his support behind you and I do think he should be supporting your situation with his mother.

 

It's unclear to me how much you have talked to your husband about this but this is a really complex situations with many conflicting emotions involved. I really think you should encourage your husband to attend some counselling with you to get some professional help to work through the issues you are facing.

 

I hope also that you have gotten some counselling for your child.

[glegend]

Well that extremely sad to hear, sorry that your son as well as you had to go through this. As bad as it this is going to sound, your husband has every right to be with his family and I guess he is leaving you behind because of what happened. But who are you to tell him he can't see his family? Your only family though marriage they are family through blood. Honestly I wouldn't feel right leaving my family (wife and kids, I'm not married or anything) behind to go visit my parents and other family member, but sometimes we have to do these things. Do you just want him to stop seeing them and just shut them out of his life? If thats the case then your very mean.

I think your husband is faithful to you. Unfaithful would be him cheating on you or just walking out one day.

[needhelpforme]

Thank you so much for your comforting words. My son's therapist said that what was keeping him from speaking about the abuse was the fear of creating more problems between my husband and me. My husband and I decided to put our feelings to the side and put our son's first. We created a more stable environment for him and finally he was able to talk about the abuse. My husband and I have started seeing a counselor and we're going on our fifth session but he is just so reluctant to talk about anything involving his family's reaction to the abuse. Why is he protecting them and not me and his son?

[needhelpforme]

I don't want my husband to stop seeing his family. I want my husband to have them confront what his brother did to our son! My son was betrayed and violated physically and I can't bear the fact that my husband can enjoy himself around the same people who are completely ignoring this wrong and on top of this blaming me for it!

[needhelpforme]

Thank you Lady D...

 

I really hope and pray that it does. It's just that right now it is so frustrating to live with a man whose loyalty and support I feel I don't have.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think if you force him to choose between you and his parents, you will lose.

 

You did what you had to do for your son, and now you have to face the consequences. This is never an easy situation and the very reason it usually goes unreported. Your husband's parents are just as devastated, and I'd guess more so than you are. At least your son was the innocent party here. Theirs was the evil one. It's just a catastrophe for everyone involved.

 

This could easily tear your marriage apart I'm afraid. I would let him have the Birthday visits.

[needhelpforme]

Miss Firecracker,

 

What about me? What about my feelings? What about my pain? I can't seek any emotional support from my own husband which is why I'm here.

[Miss Firecracker]

Yes, I know it must just be unbearable for you. The problem is that your husband is too humilated to accept this, just as his parents are. This is a permanent mark of the worst kind on the family. I honestly believe this marriage is doomed unless you get into professional family counseling.

 

This could be only the icing on the cake. The boy could be doing this because it was done to him. And the parents may be terrified there will be more discoveries.

[needhelpforme]

Miss Firecracker,

 

Oh I'm sure someone has done the same thing to my son's uncle. I know him since he himself was a 7 year old boy and his childhood has not been an emotionally healthy one because of his family. He has been the butt of their jokes since I know him. I feel sorry for this kid because the only one saying he needs help is me! Am I the one humiliating my husband and his family? What makes a father, whose son has been sexually abused by his own brother be led by humiliation in his actions, before tending to his own son's needs and his wife's? This is what I don't understand. You say "more discoveries", and I wonder, what is my husband protecting? You're right it's all too unbearable.

[Miss Firecracker]

When you say you reported the abuse, did you mean to the police? Or did you just tell your husband's family? I'm not really sure what has happened.

 

The child who did this needs to get into therapy. Please tell me more details.

[needhelpforme]

Yes, I reported the abuse to the police. Right after my son told me and my husband about the abuse my husband got up and left the house without telling me where he was going. I suspected he was going over to his mother's house. I didn't have a chance to talk to my husband about what our son had just told us. I guess my disappointment in my husband began right at this point because I felt abandoned by him. I feel that his job was to address this with me and together decide what to do about the abuse. I didn't want to let any time pass by without reporting the abuse so I called the police right away. When my husband came back home, a police officer was already interviewing my son and me. I know my husband probably expected me to wait until he had come back, but how was I suppose to stay home and do nothing without knowing where exactly my husband had gone?

[needhelpforme]

When he came back, the police officer began to interview my husband also and he told him that his brother had denied the whole thing but that he sensed that he wasn't telliing the truth. He also mentioned that my mother-in-law had denied the whole thing saying that it couldn't be possible being that she was always there. He also said that if my husband's brother had done what my son had said he'd done, that he would have to suffer the consequences of his actions. I feel that she took no responsibility for her own son's actions. I feel that she has washed her hands clean off the whole thing.

[Miss Firecracker]

How is the child being dealt with by the police? Do you even know?

 

Yes, your husband did you terribly wrong from the beginning. I agree 100%.

[needhelpforme]

Thank you. You have no idea what it means to me to hear that I did not make a mistake by calling the police. The police asked if we wanted to press charges. Being that I knew the boy was underage and that I knew about his childhood history, I refused to press charges with the hope that my husband and I would communicate to my in-laws that they should take on the responsibility to get him counseling. Also, by pressing charges I would put my own son through the stress of having to testify against his uncle. I decided to do what was best for both children. I really thought that I was doing the right thing. I never expected to be treated so unkindly by my in-laws. Although it hurts me to be understanding with the abuser, I realize that he himself is a victim, wether of sexual or emotional abuse. I really believe that I acted in the best interest of the children involved. I also can't understand why my husband can't see that I'm trying so hard to be forgiving and not act out of anger towards his brother.

[needhelpforme]

DCFS interviewed him afterwards and investigated my in-laws' home to make sure that no other children where under any danger. He was warned and I take it my in-laws were warned also that if other reports surged that he would definitely be arrested. To my knowledge, that is the extent of the consequences of his actions.

[Miss Firecracker]

So the child has no criminal record. And now the parents are off the hook and aren't going to do a thing? Wow!

 

No one can judge you for what you did. That is one thing for sure.

[needhelpforme]

No they're not doing a thing about it. And this is what kills me. How can I be around my in-laws? How can I be around my husband? He's not making them do anything either! But he's partying with them like it's okay and getting angry with me because I just won't let it go.

[Miss Firecracker]

Well, I guess they are all just accepting that he will grow up to molest more and more boys.

 

I don't know that I could stay in the marriage. I'm pretty sure I couldn't.

[needhelpforme]

And this is where I'm stuck. I can easily ask my husband for a divorce, but I don't know if this is enough reason for one. I also think about the message this will send to my child. He comes forward with the abuse and his parents get divorced. What will it do to him? He's already battling with the guilt from the abuse so a divorce will only add to his guilt. Like I said, I'm stuck. Which is why I've opted for marriage counseling. I don't know what the real problem is between my husband and me. I know communication is one, that's for sure. But I feel there's something more. Something that has nothing to do with me and my son. Something my husband is protecting.

[Miss Firecracker]

Molestation tends to run in families, that's for sure. One generation passes it down to the next.

 

I'm glad you are getting counseling. Hopefully this will keep your family together. I guess just take a day at a time.

[needhelpforme]

Miss Firecracker,

 

Thanks for listening. This has helped me survive this week. Tomorrow its on to my fifth session in counseling with my husband. If you pray, pray for me and my family. God knows I need it.

[Miss Firecracker]

I do pray. I promise I will say one for you and your son tonight.

[vinnee]

It must be horrible to know that people you trusted betrayed you and your son like that. Did Grandma know what her youngest son was doing and kept quiet; how did you find out?

I think there is some denial issues in your husband's family. It would be hard to have your youngest child commit such an ugly crime at any age. Harder even, I would think if he was 14 years old at the time. They don't know how to deal and are much more comfortable obviously taking it out on you and your kids.

This burden you now carry has a big feeling of guilt. While you could not have guessed your youngest brother-in-law would do this, I'm sure the defeating thoughts have gone through your and your husband's heads of what could've been done to prevent it. It is not either of your faults, but you've probably felt that guilt to some level at some time. Your husband may feel it more because it was his side of the family. And with them not talking about it, and you now unwelcome in their home, they've become an escape. A moment of not having to talk about it or acknowledge it.

I don't really have any advise on this one; being a parent I fear what I would've done in your shoes. But I did want to give you an outsider's consideration of why your husband might still be involved with his family. They act like it never happened, giving him an escape, and he may feel like if he doesn't still come around he is blaming the whole family and not just his brother. And it sounds like he may be more comfortable not talking about it because he came from a family that lives in denial.

[needhelpforme]

Hi vinnie,

 

I really don't think she knew what her son was doing to mine and if she did, I don't think she would have allowed for it to go on for so long (two years). However, I could see her being in denial about something being wrong with her youngest son. Which is why I think she never thought anything wrong with leaving her son and her grandson alone for enough time in his room upstairs in the attic for the abuse to happen while she was downstairs in the kitchen or living room going about her chores.

 

My son and I were playing a game before doing his homework while his twin brothers were napping and out of nowhere he said to me, "Okay, mom. I'm gonna tell you... My uncle has touched my private parts." This is how I found out. He was brave enough to finally tell me.

 

He had been manifesting signs a few months earlier, though. He would get really clingy whenever I would leave him anywhere, my mom's or my mother-in-law's. He even got really sick out of the blue one time, when I had left him perfectly healthy at my mother-in-laws. They said he had come down with vomiting and a fever all of a sudden only to feel perfectly fine once back at home. I took him to the doctor and even she asked if I suspected any abuse. I honestly did not. After that day, I took more precaution with my son and did not leave him anywhere he did not want to stay. I kept away from my in-laws and my own family for a summer, and two months after school started, my son came forward with the abuse.

 

Denial, yup. I can't live this way with my husband. But how do I get him to talk? How does anyone in denial begin to break away from it?

 

Thanks for listening.