I'm going crazy......

[Lily04]

help I keep wondering why the guy i'm dating just disappeared... he usually texts/calls me everyday but we were supposed to meet yesterday and he just never showed without calling to explain, and then I msged him yesterday and he never replied... and he was soo distant when we talked. We've been dating for 3 weeks, it was going really well, and we saw each other almost everyday... if not everyday since we were both studying downtown. Now we're in different cities but he still makes it here for lessons soometimes... I'm just really confused. I tried asking him yesterday but I think he thinks I'm needy or insecure or god knows what...i'm just really quite confused. I feel like I would at least like an explanation if he's going to disappear like this, I seriously think I deserve that. I last saw him on Friday.. we are supposed to go kayaking together this Thursday. I feel like he's backing away, but I don't know why. It's just a total shift in behavior and i'm all confused

[Blue Skittles]

Ok, first of all, don't get too freaked out about this. I know guys can be really frustrating. ONe thing I've noticed and I had a discussion with my gfs about this is that boys get sidetracked sooo easily and they forget about things. They get busy with something and don't even think to call us. And us girls sit here freaking out about it. There could be lots of reasons he didn't call you yesterday. Maybe he forgot his cell phone, which would explain why he didn't txt you back. Maybe he was in a no service area. Maybe an important family thing came up. Give it time.

 

For now make yourself busy so you can take your mind off of him. I know that will be hard to do but put it in perspective. Hes just a guy you've known for 3 weeks... so its not the end of the world if he disappears. You can move on and find another great guy. Keep yourself busy and let him be the one to call you next. If you don't hear from him by Thursday when you had plans, then let him go. It'll take a lot of explaining for him to get you back. And don't start thinking its cuz you are needy or clingy or anything like that. Its nothing to do with you. Im sure he has a great time with you too maybe just something else in his life came up.

[Lily04]

Thanks... I won't contact him. But I am disappointed with how severely I am taking this situation, when I wasn't even that into him in the first place....I just feel like this person is judging me and deeming me 'not up to his standards' or something, and I don't like that... I don't like the fact that by not wanting to date me he would essentially be saying he finds something unattractive about me enough not to want to date me. I also feel like I've lost my trust in people a lot, especially friends. I ran in this election and lost my best friend due to her not supporting me, and I really handled that poorly as well... just went to extremes... I felt really sad.

 

Here again, I don't know this guy that well but we had amazing chemistry and saw each other nearly everyday. Then he disappears. I just feel like something is wrong with me... I've decided that I am going to join another church in this city (I am not religious, but it may help..) and try talking with a friend who attends and the priest on Sunday. I feel like I need guidance, because i feel like I don't know what I'm doing and I've lost my trust in people, and friends... I feel like dying and crying for no reason a lot. The fact that he just doesn't want to hang out with me anymore has pretty much shattered me and I don't even know why... because I wasn't crazy in love with him or anything, I just am so upset by the fact that only another guy decided to just cut me off and blow me off, as if I don't deserve better. I definitely deserve much better, and yet I feel like the people in my life are not adequately able to recognize that and be there for me if I need it.

 

I really hope that I can now put my faith in God and figure things out somehow. Maybe learning to be more religious will help me deal with problems and questions that I myself can't answer.

[JadedStar]

Lily, your posts are so exhausting I can't imagine being in your head. Come on, you were not even INTO this guy a week ago. YOu were trying to CONVINCE yourself that you liked him, now you are falling to pieces thinking he might not like you anymore.

 

This is one of those times to force these thoughts out of your head.

[bigthings46]

rejection sucks. Thats why your upset. Just walk away for a while and see what happens

[Lily04]

I can't deal with people dumping me... i've never been dumped but guys seem to just not contact me back and then i get mad and typically delete/block them and never talk with them again... i think i may just do that.

[Lily04]

rejection sucks. Thats why your upset. Just walk away for a while and see what happens

 

do you think this is rejection though? like not calling me for 2 days... we last talked on Sunday.

[Miss Firecracker]

It's because you tire them out, Lily. People can't keep up with all this. They don't have time in their day. People get completely exhausted with all the drama.

 

You have to find a way to relax and enjoy your life a little. And when that happens, you may find that people don't run away anymore.

[Lily04]

Lily, your posts are so exhausting I can't imagine being in your head. Come on, you were not even INTO this guy a week ago. YOu were trying to CONVINCE yourself that you liked him, now you are falling to pieces thinking he might not like you anymore.

 

This is one of those times to force these thoughts out of your head.

 

 

maybe.. is it OK if I did nothing this whole week btw? i feel like my productivity has sank to zero or below... what is wrong with me...

[Lily04]

It's because you tire them out, Lily. People can't keep up with all this. They don't have time in their day. People get completely exhausted with all the drama.

 

You have to find a way to relax and enjoy your life a little. And when that happens, you may find that people don't run away anymore.

 

ok, but how do I stop thinking... how do I stop these obsessive thoughts.

[Lily04]

well i've decided i'm not going to go out with him on thurs. i'm too busy now, he doesn't fit in my schedule. I'm going to meet new people. People meaning God.

[tmp0620]

I guess God's better than substance abuse.

 

Why not just literally meet other people?

[Miss Firecracker]

I am sorry you can't stop it, Lily. I know you must be tired, so very tired.

 

You need to get a good psychologist to help you there. Just look until you find one with a personality that is helpful. My kid just found one he likes. Before this one he had a woman who didn't seem to help him a bit. You just gotta play around a little until you find someone who can really understand you and someone you respect. Don't settle for anything less...even if you have to find a doctor that is out of town. Ask your regular doctor who is good in your area with GAD, that sort of thing.

 

God is good. That should be comforting to go to church.

[Lily04]

I just sent this msg. to a friend of mine and think it explains my position well. I don't want to date anymore.

 

"I've decided I don't want to date. Not for now, I'm not sure about the future. Not for a while, however. I need to figure things out for myself first. I've been invited by one of my friends to attend her church in the past, and I think I'm going to take her up on her offer this Sunday... it is not a Catholic church which is my background, but it may be worth seeing. I do not want to convert, but enjoying the service may help. I feel like I need to become a stronger person, and learn to put my trust away from people, because I do not trust them anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship nor do I want to be attracted to anyone. I want to learn to be asexual if possible, because it means you are least vulnerable. I think this is for the best. Thanks for the chat today, night."

[JadedStar]

Lily, are you sure messages like that won't drive friends away? I just don't know if young people your age can really deal with the extreme mood shifts you have. Somethings I think best to not even mention. If I were 22 and a friend of mine sent me that I'd feel a bit leary of them. We can all say things like "if they were real friends etc etc" but this is the real world and I don't think many young people would know how to respond to a message like that.

 

Do what Miss F sugggests and make sure you find another doc.

[Lily04]

perhaps, but I feel like this friend in particular knows me well and won't be driven away... he might be, but he knows i'm a bit crazy already...

[annie24]

hey lily - i have been where you are too, and it is not fun. this is why it's pretty important not to get too attached to people early on. 3 weeks, you two barely know each other, it's too short a time to really 'know' one another and each others' patterns. i get attached to people easily also, and I have to make a conscious effort not to get my hopes up too much if I meet a guy i really like. Besides, if you are crazy about him too soon, it is infatuation, not real love. it takes a long time to get to know someone and really care about them, and not the image of them you have in your head.

 

if he is withdrawing, let him go. don't worry about it. dating is pretty rough at times, it really requires a tough skin.

 

focus on yourself and getting through this rough time in your life. don't worry about him, it's his loss, right?

 

good luck

[Lily04]

Hey Annie,

 

Thanks so much... I thought there were going to be more comments about my insanity at turning to the nunnery But realistically.... I only posted that because it helps at times when I'm feeling really emotional to post language that echoes it... I sometimes turn to poetry as well, which can be very passionate and emotional. When I say "I want to kill myself, I hate this so much" for instance it doesn't literally mean I necessarily want to kill myself... I am just feeling soo down at the time I need language that really kills itself. It has to appropriately mimic the intensity of my emotions. So take some things I say with a grain of salt... that said, I do intend to go to church this Sunday with my friend, and try becoming more religious but only because I think it will help and I want to learn more about religion as well...but whether I'm actually going to take up being asexual I'm not sure. I just think I'm in a really vulnerable place right now in my life, and don't really need this to add to it.

 

I also never even knew I got so attached so soon...........I am confused myself because I consciously TRY NOT to become attached. I'm not even sure if I really am attached to him or just the idea of having a really nice boyfriend who cares for me... someone who really respects me and is gentle and understanding and attractive and who I have a lot in common with. I also find it a bit odd... that he went from being so hot to so cold so fast. It really shakes my trust in people...

[annie24]

well...... to be honest...... and I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or whatnot...... but if you saw the guy you had only dated briefly throw up in your home, can you say you wouldn't get turned off? I mean, now, if a serious boyfriend or a husband were to throw up, i'm sure it wouldn't change your opinion of him.... but the early stages of dating are so fickle and fragile, it just wasn't you at your sexiest, know what I mean?

 

anyways, don't worry about it. he just isn't the one for you. you haven't gotten to know him well enough at this stage to know if he is a loving caring guy or what. in fact, if he did get scared off by this situation, it just proves he wasn't the loving caring guy for you.

[Lily04]

well...... to be honest...... and I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or whatnot...... but if you saw the guy you had only dated briefly throw up in your home, can you say you wouldn't get turned off? I mean, now, if a serious boyfriend or a husband were to throw up, i'm sure it wouldn't change your opinion of him.... but the early stages of dating are so fickle and fragile, it just wasn't you at your sexiest, know what I mean?

 

anyways, don't worry about it. he just isn't the one for you. you haven't gotten to know him well enough at this stage to know if he is a loving caring guy or what. in fact, if he did get scared off by this situation, it just proves he wasn't the loving caring guy for you.

 

yeah maybe... I am just confused because his text to me was "I honestly don't care, don't make a big deal out of the whole vomit thing, we both completely understand it wasn't your fault." And then he asks me out on Monday. Monday came and he blew me off... I really feel that I don't want to allow myself to be attracted to anyone else though. But my friend is saying it's not really possible to learn to be asexual, it's just a 'condition' you're born with, i.e. a sexual orientation. So if one is gay, or straight, that is not a choice... but due to my screwed up childhood for the most part, I never really felt sexual either... I felt unattractive for most of it and never dated at all in my youth. I don't think it would be incredibly hard for me to turn off dating entirely...

[annie24]

well, whatever his deal is, don't worry. what's done is done.

 

it's ok to take a break from dating, or just not make it your #1 priority. focus on taking care of your hair and your anxieties and the school year. work on yourself, and if you happen to meet a cool guy, then you can reexamine dating again....

[Lily04]

Thanks. I think you're right, and maybe I'm overreacting... I took my anti-anxiety meds last night, I think they may slightly be kicking in because I'm feeling a bit calmer today... yesterday I was just a nervous wreck for some reason and I don't even know why... my emotions were quite extreme... I need to learn that a bit of distance is OK and just move forward with my own life... I can't put things on hold for him.

[ghost69]

ok, but how do I stop thinking... how do I stop these obsessive thoughts.

 

that's just it. you just stop. once you start to think about him or what he is doing, think of something completely offbase from that. forget this guy altogether.

[JadedStar]

I really agree with annie and i thought about this and wanted to say the same thing but never did, but seriously, if my son brought home a girl for me to meet and i knew she had a couple of drinks and then threw up all over my rug and furniture without making it to the bathroom, no offense but i would be a bit disturbed. I would think she probably had been drinking ahead of time before getitng there since most do not get sick over two drinks. I was really shocked when you said that happened and I am not trying to make you feel bad at all, but that is really out of the norm to expect from someone you just met. Now if i knew the person it would be different, but first impressions can be pretty huge. If you knew you were not used to alcohol and on meds to boot, the best thing would have been to say "no" to any drinks. I foudn it odd that you didn't because you normally don't have a problem telling people when you are not comfortable doing something.

 

If i were your b/f i would also feel a bit turned off. Of course i would tell him (if someone i was dating) it was ok because most people wont come right out and say "yeah that was pretty gross, i got really turned off".....his actions in this case lily are speaking far more than his words. If words are not followed by actions they mean nothing. HIs actions of pulling away and blowing you off ARE his way of saying it was a turn off.

 

It was only three weeks. That first month of dating is a trial period for BOTH parties. You were wondering if you should check out of this a week ago, so you can't ding him for doing the same. YOu were analyzing if he was a great match for you but you seem to always contradict yourself in not allowing others to do the same. You get upset if you think you are judged by a potential suitor, but i see you do that ALL the time with potential guys you might date. It is more than ok for him to decide during this "trial" period that you two are not goign to work out. YOu already knew this too. YOu knew you were way too obsessive and regimented for a guy like him. Like i have said before physical attraction means NOTHING if you dont have enough in common with someone. If that were the case everyone beautiful would be happy as a lark in relationships. And seeing how many lookers are on this site we know that is not the case. It is almost like (the impression from your other posts on this) that you felt because you were so much hotter than his ex and that he really liked you a lot that he should fall all over you, and not have any reservations at all, yet it was ok for yourself to have a ton of reservations. This is a mindset you will need to overcome to have successful jaunts at relationships. It's just not a fair mindset to have. No matter what you look like, wehther you think you are way hotter than his ex's or his female friends it really does not give you anymore priveledge as a g/f than someone less attractive.

 

I didn't comment on your nunnery comment because I know you a bit just from reading your threads. YOu will be over this dramatic mindset in a week or so so i didn't bother to comment on it. You were in an over the top obsessive mood when you wrote this......LOL You are probably already winding down from the mindset.

 

I also agree with ghost about how to stop it....you just STOP it. Yes it will take time, but it can be done. I know people (myself included) who were successful at doing this but it is NOT easy. It takes a lot of time and dedication to rid yoruself of these horrible thinking habits. All of thse obsessive threads that you write lily are not indicative of forcing these things out of your mind. These threads are your way of nurturing these thoughts and giving them power in your mind instead of focusing on something that is not obsessive.

[Lily04]

Umm thanks... I do feel a bit worse after reading your post though, although it is at least honest. It's just odd how he said he was fine and asked if I wanted to go kayaking on Monday (I was the one that declined the date, suggesting Thursday as I had class) but then he hasn't spoken with me since...... so it seems like he changed his mind for some reason, and he didn't seem to mind before.

 

That was why I decided not to send a gift though to his parents... I thought it might be a bit over-the-top, considering we just started dating and at the same time would only serve as an unfortunate reminder... I can perhaps give a gift if we meet again and I end up meeting them again. BUT either way..................................................................................I am usually able to repair things... at least initially. So this makes me really sad.