Going insane because of a breakup...

[MarkD]

I was with my GF for over 4 years. We had the BEST relationship (so I thought). We had our normal little arguments, but no crazy fights or talk of breaking up. She would sometimes ask me to give her more compliments etc...but I just thought that was a normal girl thing and tried to give more compliments. We both live at home with our parents since we were saving to buy a home. We were about a month away from signing for a home together. We were both very excited about moving out together. We talked about all the stuff we didn't and did like doing in the house to avoid arguments when we move in.

 

One night she was at my house checking her email on my computer when she saw this website I went to sometimes to get "visual stimulation" when we did not see eachother. She is a competitive athlete and would have practice every Monday night, so I would sometimes log onto this "porn" site and check out some girls to "get off". For me, it meant NOTHING. I never planned on meeting any of these people or become friends or anything with them...it was just for a quick fix. My GF freaked out....she was very upset and considered it cheating on her. I explained that I was not proud of the site, but that I only used it like I said before. She was still very upset and left my house crying that night. I got defensive and told her not to be so insecure (obviously wrong thing to say). It was my first reaction to become defensive since I knew she was going to be upset about this. She is very naiive and isn't into porn or things like that (which I love about her). i don't want a "freaky" girl, and I loved how she was very innocent. The problem is that she is having a really hard time getting over the website issue...I believe that she thinks there was more to the site then what I explained.

 

She then told me she wants space from the relationship. She then started bringing up stuff during our relationship about how I upset her with the way I would talk to her and treat her. She never approached me about these things in the past and I really had no idea that I was really upsetting her. I would never do that to her...she is the love of my life.

 

We had a really good relationship as far as having a great time together, if it was just hanging out watching tv, or going for a drive, or travelling, etc. i guess we did have communication issues though. I thought these were all things we could work on together, but around a month ago, she said that she doesn't feel at this point that she can work on the relationship. She said she still loves me with all her heart, misses me every day, still has all my pics in her room and at work, and also considers me her soul mate, but feels that there has been too much hurt already done to get past. She said for now, we are broken up, and leaving it up to fate. If it is meant to be, we will get back together. This killed me. I was planning on proposing soon since we would be moving in together. My whole world crumbled.

 

I am seeing a psycologist right now to help me get better.

 

My question...How does someone hide something like that and not want to work on a relationship if they still love you and consider you their soul mate?

 

Ill stop writing now and let you read through this since I have more info to add later.

 

Thanks for any advice.

 

Mark

[karvala]

Just off to bed, so can't write too much now, but I did want to say: don't give up. Although she was clearly deeply affected by what she discovered about you, and the situation could have been handled better, it is still not in my opinion a good reason for either of you to call it quits if the relationship was otherwise happy, and you love each other.

 

This "leave it up to fate" stuff is fine, but how does fate happen? By people doing things. Tell her it's fate that you'll call her every night, that you'll talk to her, that you'll be there for her, that you want to make her life better, that you want to share the future with her. Tell her that's the fate for both of you. And then, if she's still playing hardball, give her some time to miss you. Let her realise that maybe she really will lose you over this; concentrate her mind a bit. And then, once agian show her that she can still have you, and that you still want to be with her, but she needs to make an effort to overcome her pain and not give into it.

 

Don't let her remain in denial, and don't let her give up on the relationship by default. If she wants to end it, that's one thing, but it has to at least be an active decision, not simply walking away because she feels hurt.

[MarkD]

sounds good Karvala.

 

I think I am going to avoid the communicating right now since I can't handle just being her friend. She basically wants to be friends since she told me she doesnt have sexual feelings for me right now. She said she's not sure if those feelings will ever come back, but for now, she said she just can't even think of having sex with me. I can understand that considering the whole porn site and issues in the relationship right now. She went on vacation to see her best friend and family for 3 weeks. She gets back tomorrow. We havnt talked since she left. She will probably call me since she has one of my Mom's flower vases that she knows she has to return...but i think I am just going to get someone else to pick it up and avoid seeing her because its too hard.

 

Before she went on vacation, I boxed up the things that reminded me of her(pics, memories etc..) and gave them to her to hold and told her I just cant have them around if I am trying to move on with my life. That was the day we said our final goodbyes. The problem was that I had to call her back and tell her she gave me the wrong vase! She then calls me back and says "I just wanted to call you and let you know I am going away for a few weeks incase you wanted to get a hold of me". and then she says after that "but I will have my cell phone with me". This was said after I told her we shouldn't be talking atall since it is too difficult for me.

 

I think she would just love to be able to have me to talk to and rely on and know if I am dating etc but not need the sexual and commitment parts of a relationship. I just dont think thats fare to me since I am still madly in love with her. I think we both need time to grow separate if we even had the smallest chance of getting back together.

 

Like you said though....I hope she seeks help dealing with her issues when she gets back. before she left, she said she was going to see a Doctor, I am just scared that she has hiden away those feelings while she was gone since she didnt really have to deal with her feelings. After talking to my Doctor, he said that she seems to run away from dealing with her feelings. With us not talking, I won't know if she is actually seeking help. Even if it doesn't bring her back to me, I love her so much, I just want her to be happy. She is such a sweetheart, she deserves a really good guy(which I think is me).

 

I am hoping the time apart will help us both become strong people, and then if we were meant to be...things will happen...but if they don't happen, I will be a better, stronger person for going through this.

[MarkD]

I still don't understand how someone you have been in a serious relationship for over 4 years say they still love you, miss you, think of you as their sole mate but only want to be friends? How does this make any sense.

 

I am on the biggest emotional rollercoaster EVER!!! One minute I am okay...the next...I feel like crying.