How do these things happen to me?

[tiredofvampires]

If he didn't fight for it when he had the chance, why would he pursue this far down the road, in a "stalking" way, when he knows the lines of communication are still probably open if he wants to open them.

 

Hmm, this sounds sensible. Your whole post does. I guess the way I saw the chronology, he didn't fight for it at the time because he had already discovered me there and had privately decided to extricate himself because of that. But that if he hadn't seen me there (whether by searching for me as Papillion said and finding me there, or just by chance as I'd hope to think), MAYBE we would still be writing now. I guess I will never know, and that's what bothers me, because I had hoped we'd continue to keep the lines of communication open. The correlation between his e-mailing going down the tubes and his discovering me there, I'll never know.

 

The "stalking" (maybe trying to assess what my dating status was, just as a wildcard) would have preceded him shutting down the lines of communication, that's what I was thinking.

 

So even though I was clearly keeping the lines open and was friendly to him, he might have just decided to ditch it due to this behind-the-scenes revelation, which I wasn't privy to.

 

Thank you for humoring this -- I know it sounds silly and soap-opera-y, but the fact remains that emotionally, what it's boiling down to for me is having to resign myself to the fact that a POSSIBLE reconciliation, even if just to be able to care about eachother in a friendship capacity, has slipped away from me and I have no idea what played into this, but now he is on a site where I will possibly be present as well. This is not what I had in mind for my "comeback" at all!!

 

Good, too, and interesting, to have your take on the tone of his last real message to me. "A bit forced" huh? Yeah. Who knows if he even meant it (kind of sounds like he was gritting his teeth trying to take the high road, no?) That was the tone the entire way through that "let's try to be cordial" writing phase. I think he was trying to "be above" his NC with me, but it just wasn't something he could handle. Either he is better at NC, or he is just hardened in a way I am not with bitterness...

 

Your input is greatly appreciated here, Moto, and if I could give you any more rep points I would, but since they won't let me, maybe a hug of gratitude will suffice. (hugs)

[tiredofvampires]

I guess, too...

 

I was at peace at the point he seemed to want to detach from writing me because I felt it was just HIM, and there was nothing I could do about that. Or if he had gotten with someone else. I think what's bothering me is that now I wonder if it was him feeling HURT and in some way "betrayed", as though I were sort of two-faced, and that's why it all happened. I don't want to feel responsible for this, for feeling that I hurt him YET AGAIN, after I tried so hard to "bury the hatchet" and felt I'd succeeded. I could handle it if he just didn't want to talk to me anymore I guess, though it was a sad realization, I just didn't think I had any hand in it and now I do, which SUCKS.

 

I'm just rambling now.. sorry guys.

[Desiderata]

You're not rambling my dear - think of it as thinking out loud and letting people just take what they want from it.

 

If he was feeling detached from you it could have been from any number of reasons, but you had no way to know that he was going to be hurt by finding you on that site. You had no idea that he would even find the site AND you found him on Match before anything else happened. If he really felt bad he should have been the one to say something instead of showing up on the site and making you guess as to whether he is/was hurt or not. I mean keeping distance from someone for any number of reasons is okay, but now that you feel like it's all you this is not a good situation. And the only way to find out if it's this is if you talk to him, which is definitely not a good idea.

 

So the only thing to really do is just be chill and do what you're doing. If he has a problem then that's his deal - you are just an innocent person on a website, looking around at things and trying to have a friendship with your ex. If he has issues, he should deal with them instead of becoming reclusive and then showing up on this site (surprise!). Not cool.

 

P.S. I'm undertaking my adventure now through your post on my thread, so expect a wonderfully long reply soon.

[Moto]

It's hard, but once you come to that realization that you doubt reconciliation would ever work... It makes things easier. Who doesn't like to fall in love all over again? It's a hard process but remember that initial awkwardness, intrigue, curiosity, and attraction that just made your heart pound with excitement? It's still capable of being found again, you just have to get out of this lethargic stage in time.

 

I actually know I'm not ready to try and date, went out yesterday and found myself talking to a beautiful girl, and ended up with her number. I want to call, but I don't want to drag her into a mess, but she seemed to have a lot of qualities I long for, so maybe I should?

 

Either way my point to you Vamp, I think you're a great person, and letting this constant over-thinking ruin you needlessly. There are plenty of people who would appreciate you in every way you wanted.

[beebee]

vamp... after reading your thread, i have to respond...

 

tell the b****** to get the hell off of your site and stop looking you up!...

 

all these questions you have are only confusing you more and clouding your mind to the point where your wandering dangerously into the zone of a total "mind freeze"... you cant see the forrest for the trees in plain words... hes an a$$$$$$!... (God i hope he reads this!)... i hate to see you so confused about something that is easy for us on the outside to see... its no coincidence... he knows what you are doing and saying and hes LOVING IT!...

 

this is a man thats broken up with 20 people before you?... wow... what a guy!... a real man huh?... sounds like a fruitloop to me...

 

my advice?... please stop beating yourself up and feeling guilt about anything... you have no need to explain to him about anything... he should be explaining to you... also... when you sent him that little gift on valentines day, he took it to mean you wanted him back and your still in love with him... only made him feel more powerful... nothing like a man like this making himself feel good by hurting others...

 

Good luck and hugs...

 

God bless... beebee

[Wandering_Sword]

...

 

This thread has gone in a really weird direction! Papillion?....SuperDave?....someone with smarts in this sort of thing?.....what a weird twist here...

 

Talk about NOT a good development for moving forward. I feel quite ridiculous at the moment.

 

I may not be SuperDave or Papillion, but I'm probably better looking then both

Anyhow, back to the issue at hand. If he is making all this effort (supposedly) to look you up and not contact you then that would make him freaky or just plain scared. Now following that line of thought (though I'm not saying he is any of these things) would you like to be with someone that is like that and on top of that, broke your heart?

I wouldn't worry about second guessing or worrying about this stuff. It's in our nature to try and place order in something that is chaotic (I think it makes it more palpable for our minds), like what you're doing with the EX and his "interactions." We may even try to attribute the divine or otherwise, but if you look at it, it breaks down to one thing and one thing only, people are unpredictable and do things because they can. We can try to assign some role for them to play, but if they step outside of that role we get confused and start "wondering and second-guessing."

And trust me with one thing, if he is trying to find you, new nickname or not, he will find you.

Aren't human foibles interesting

[tiredofvampires]

I can't express in words how touched I am that a few of you are still with me here!! "Over-analyzing" and "over-thinking" are definitely qualities of mine that at times can be a real liability -- as many people close to me know, this is my double-edged sword. As it can work to pick out many angles to things and possibilities, like I do on this board to pick apart nuances that really help others, (and myself), but it can also slay me and yes, paralyze me at times. Now is probably a good case in point. Sometimes, I've even felt it was a bad enough trait that it's a personality turn-off to guys (it makes me a little "intense"), but that's a whole 'nother thread! (my ex, being an "over-thinker" was sooo like me in this way, it was one of the things that we really related to about eachother and celebrated as a mutual "quirk" -- of course, that also breeds on his side the capacity to go through hoops also that other people might not bother withi to try to figure out something to give HIMSELF some concrete answers.)

 

Just to recap what's going on, any of these possibilities could have happened here, from most innocent to most depraved:

 

1. -- my ex wanted to trail off into NC for his own reasons and then by accident he found the same site I did; he may or may not have seen I had a faceless profile, and posted his own full profile because he wanted to use the site

 

2. -- he thought our renewed contact was a chance at SLOWLY moving towards some reconciliation, but for a lot of pride reasons would not let on about this and kept aloof, and in the meantime started browsing around, found the site, saw me there and suddenly withdrew, feeling hurt; put up his own profile

 

3. -- he thought we might have another chance and DELIBERATELY did some sort of search to look for my "activities", found the information he was looking for, and withdrew from me (putting up a profile either to stun me or just because he wanted to)

 

What kills me here is that I can't really know, and have no way of knowing, which of these scenarios actually happened. Desi, you said something I needed to hear, that as much as this mystery stresses me out, it's NOT a good idea to try to contact him to try to find out. That is breaking NC over something that is frightfully messy and probably no good outcome. The haunting remaining question is: whose "job" would it be to contact the other to clear this up? I don't feel it's mine, since he withdrew from ME, and when I did in kind, he ceased completely to wish to keep the lines open. So I can't fight that. On the other hand, in the #2 scenario, wouldn't anyone on ENA be advising him in this forum tell him to go NC with me and protect his heart? Which would mean that Moto, even if he knows that the lines of communication are open from my end and that I never closed my door to him, and he still has all my contact information, he would be leaving it up to me to do a bit of "chasing" for "fighting" for it myself.

 

Looking at all these possibilities, one revelation I take away from it is this:

 

None of these scenarios paint a picture of a man I think I ought to be invovled with...right? I mean. The only one that feels unclear to me on that score is #2, because it would seem that he was making some effort to relate to me and then because his mind jumped to some conclusions, our "chance" evaporated, not because he was hunting me down but just by some star-crossed happenstance. How could I blame him for feeling like not talking to me anymore? Maybe the only comfort I can take from this is that if this is what happened -- he is not offering me the kind of chance I am offering him. After all, I continued to write to him even secretely knowing he was on link removed. And if indeed he WAS browsing another dating site innocently while we were corresponding, wouldn't that be a double standard for him to hold it against me if I'd done the same at some point in time? I was willing to keep our communication open without any expectations, and in the end, as was the case with our ENTIRE relationship, I was always the one accomodating uncomfortable situations, swallowing my own selfish pride, for the sake of the longhaul, while he bailed out emotionally. Am I making sense? Bouncing this off you all?

[tiredofvampires]

I think I should also say that the reason I am hashing this out so much is for this one reason:

 

I guess deep in my heart...I felt that we wanted to see eye-to-eye, but because he was SO defensive and impulsive with his emotions, and very insecure and fearful about many things, it corrupted our relationship to the core. And through this whole year's time, I have done my grieving, but do not know where he is at. He's had a lot of time as the dumper to consider all the mean, hurtful, wrong and misdirected things he did, and perhaps...he has realized things should have been done differently, and he would do so if he had the chance. Perhaps he really has done some work on himself. Which would be required. I could not impose on him at the time, I couldn't make him change. But maybe he has really done some soul-searching and not only misses me but would make the efforts he didn't then to be better. I don't know if I'm being a fool to even THINK about reconsidering a 2nd shot with him. I was SO in love, like I've never been before, that I always felt I'd give him that second chance if I didn't have someone new in my life and we had a chance. Now after all this time, I feel it might be more like trying to bring a dead horse back to life, it is too far down the road. It is more an abstact concept now, getting a second chance. But if he were SERIOUS -- and committed? I don't know what I'd do if presented the chance. It would be a major risk. But how would I know unless I was at least talking to him? Which we started to do, until this. So it feels like it's just a truncation of the chance to answer that question for myself.

 

This is only why I am pursuing it like this -- for the last little part of me, that little voice that still wonders what he has evolved into and wants with me at this point, if anything. It's a very SLIM, REMOTE thing that he's "found himself" and "seen the light" (as we all know, the dumpers have a high and sturdy wall), but now I will have to pretend I KNOW there was no chance here, when the truth is I just don't know.

 

God, I wish I could just start looking forward to a NEW man. But like you, Moto, I can't really think of dating (which make this dating site thing so very ironic.) I am looking for qualities rather than a person, but I still envision them being in HIM for some reason. I don't know if it's because he was the last one...or because I still love him and regret it wasn't with him.

[tiredofvampires]

I do want to answer all of your personally, Desi, beebee, Moto and Wandering, you've all said REALLY wise and sobering things here, thank you so much!!

 

I have a few more comments, but since I've justs posted a bunch, for the moment just a couple of highlights (and I will add more after this):

 

Moto -- "It's hard, but once you come to that realization that you doubt reconciliation would ever work... It makes things easier". Yes, absolutely right! As my above posts state, I really don't know IF it would work or not. My bets would be on it not working, but as I said, what if he'd done a lot of work on himself? (I am not saying I don't have any work to do, but it was primarily his emotional mood swings, just a lot of issues like mistrust, intimacy and so forth that he wasn't addressing), it MIGHT. That's hard to square, as you say. I will never know now. You'd think the communication wouldn't be so much like beating around the bush if he had become the clear communicator I want to have in a relationship...but the truth is, if he was gingerly reaching out for my hand as I extended mine, perhaps he had some realizations about himself I won't know about now.

 

I will say I am with you though on being unready to date. Then again, you are so far along, my friend, compared to me at your stage. You are only a few weeks in now -- I am nearly a year in. I imagine that when you are this far along, you will be the strongest man ever, and feeling alive and ready for someone, if not with someone already. I remember being in my early 20's and it being hard to get over heartbreak, but like the body at that age, healing was just a little faster of a process. Reading about your new encounter with that beautiful girl, I can sense the quandry you must be in. First of all -- GOOD FOR YOU!! That is so encouraging!! I think it's a tough call, and you are being VERY responsible to not want to drag her into a "mess". That's exactly why I haven't done a single thing with that dating site, nor even put myself out there to look fetching to anyone (I've even been dressing down! Not good for morale, but a reflection of how inward I am now.) I would ask you this: do you feel that you could go out with her with interest in who she is? Or is it just the "idea" of her that appeals to you? I am really biting my tongue here to tell you to hold off, because the fact is that you won't really know how you feel about it until you do go out with her and talk to her more. Also, do you sense that she might be a sensitive enough girl that you could be FRIENDS with her for a while and be able to disclose any of your evolution about this relationship with your ex? That would really be ideal. I know that sounds messy, but since when is life clear-cut? And aren't quality people those who want to KNOW you, as opposed to just date someone without a blemish? This is why I despise dating, as opposed to just hanging out and casually getting to know someone. I know you would want to protect yourself and her, and that is appropriate, but does having her phone number and showing interest obligate you to be something in particular? I don't think so. She may have certain hopes, but if she is a good person, as you get talking more and sharing, maybe instead of trying to impress her you can think of it as a chance to know someone who eventually the romantic interest would grow with over time, as you become candid with eachother. You never know what SHE is going through in HER life now, either! Just remember, a genuine person will let you be you because they allow themselves to be them, and not try to sanitize life too much. If this is too hard for her, to be your friend (with mutual attraction in the wings), then you can know you were only going at the pace you could go, and not a moment faster, as so were true to yourself. Don't put ANY pressure on yourself either way! It is still very early on for you, and as much as passing up and opportunity seems wrong, the right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing.

Hun, there will be many opportunties and beautiful women in your future, I just know it. Honor where you are at, even if you do phone her to "test the waters." Honesty with a woman also is a very big turn-on, remember (to the right ones, anyway, the ones who have compassion as well as self-confidence). If you show you are interested in her but are honest too, a lot of women will appreciate that.

 

Ok, you other ones are up next...don't want to submit too many uninterrupted monologues!

[JadedStar]

Thanks, JadedStar...I appreciate your cautions and info! I wonder why the same search on google didn't turn up my username here?! I just ran the yahoo search and found the same link as you. But THANK GOD: my username here is not the same as the one I used for the dating sites (lol, that would suck as a username on a dating site anyway!). This one I only use here. Of course the idea that he could find me here leaves me cold and mortified. I just don't know how far he would go, and as Moto says, after this long?....

 

It ran thru my mind the question of if this was your dating site username. Thank Goodness for you it isn't. Not sure that would be a real good one for that venue. LOLOLOL

[tiredofvampires]

It ran thru my mind the question of if this was your dating site username. Thank Goodness for you it isn't. Not sure that would be a real good one for that venue. LOLOLOL

 

HAHA, JS! Yeah, on a dating site it would almost be as bad as JadedStar, huh! LOLLL.

 

Seriously, though: "tiredofvampires" is a username I chose ONLY for this site and there is no way on earth he could know that. I don't know what the chances are of his actually coming here and finding me by chance, but I think that's like 1 in a million, really. What I am more concerned about is whether my dating site username could be tracked down...since I did both a yahoo search for it and a google, and it didn't come up with anything, do you think I'm in the clear?

[JadedStar]

HAHA, JS! Yeah, on a dating site it would almost be as bad as JadedStar, huh! LOLLL.

 

Seriously, though: "tiredofvampires" is a username I chose ONLY for this site and there is no way on earth he could know that. I don't know what the chances are of his actually coming here and finding me by chance, but I think that's like 1 in a million, really. What I am more concerned about is whether my dating site username could be tracked down...since I did both a yahoo search for it and a google, and it didn't come up with anything, do you think I'm in the clear?

 

Yeah i'd never use my JS name on a dating site if i ever find myself on one. I'd only get hits from people i should steer clear of i am sure.

[beebee]

Seriously, though: "tiredofvampires" is a username I chose ONLY for this site and there is no way on earth he could know that.

 

oops... i thought you had meant that he comes to THIS site and sees THIS (your) screenname... sorry... sometimes im a scatterbrain and dont read posts correctly... lol...

 

anyway tired... keep on keepin on...

 

God bless... beebee

[tiredofvampires]

Well, thanks for contributing to my thread, beebee!

 

I'm really glad he hasn't come here (at least I don't think so) -- I mean, that would be a disaster!

[Desiderata]

Hey you, I'm still waiting for my reply then haha. But you are the busiest person I know on here sometimes with all of the threads that you've started. I finally got caught up with everything and now I feel relieved... but now I have another PM ahhh! It's hard being appreciated sometimes, but it's the best thing I could ask for! Grrr what I mean by that is that it's overwhelming, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have a tendency to think something and then it doesn't come out right, lol.

 

You do your thing, I'm patient but anxious.

[tiredofvampires]

Desi, Desi, I'm still here, girl!! I PROMISE to post some more, but like you, I'm inundated! HAHAHAHA! And btw, I only posted one other thread since this one (ughh... and sometimes think it'll be a piece of cake, and then look what happens!!

 

It is all grand, though, you're right! I have been so scattered about this entire board, spread a bit thin...posting the ones that are not as central to where my mind is at right now. Some forums are more easy that others, and this one, my "home forum", is filled with posts I would want to spend all day on. If it weren't for the fact that I've been hellishly tied up with the run-up to my trip and panicking a bit, you'd have a post already from me. I'm sorry it's taking so long!!

 

One thing we have to be careful of too, Desi, is to take care of ourselves. You and I are like two peas in a pod in so many ways, I can just tell! When someone else gives us an inch we give about 30 miles, and that's for starters. It's an amazing quality as you know, but it can also cause you to neglect yourself if you need some time, space, sleep, alone-time, whatever. I'm trying to get better at this and trust that the people who care about me will love and support me when I do this, not make me feel that I've neglected them. When we have family messages playing in our past and even present that tell us our efforts are inadequate, something happens where in the future, if we get positive reinforcement, we will do anything to make sure the other person not only knows we will reciprocate with unswerving loyalty, but will go even beyond that to secure it. There is no more hurtful way to get this pattern stuck than having an SO make us feel that nothing we did was good enough to keep their interest or commitment. So there comes a fear with any new person we want to trust, and in the process sometimes I find anyway that I get a bit overwhelmed trying to prove to them how loyal I will be. This can sometimes mean I lose track of myself. We have to be careful of that! Sleep well, eat well (yeah, ha -- do as I say, not do as I've been doing, honey! know that those who love you (even those here!) will be stronger than to just leave you unsupported if you feel you are in overwhelm and need to just decompress. That we will be here for you even if you need a break. We probably need to cheer eachother on in this!

 

But yes, you are so right! That there is such a wonderful feeling about knowing that you are contributing so much. In and of itself, that is a healer of all kinds. That's why it's also scattering me -- I've done a lot of posting over these months to use my empathy for "other causes" that relate to my heart, but are about situations that are tangent to my breakup, and somehow in this magical, alchemical process, I come to know my own values and worth and self exponentially more, even through this back door of giving others something to think about!

 

To be continued! xox!!

[Desiderata]

You'd better still be there, I would miss you if you left! I just worry about you and how you are doing - when I don't have time to check who is online I just look at my posts since I know who will probably be responding.

 

I like that we are like two peas in a pod, it sounds so cute to say it that way lol. EricAK was just telling me the same thing - how I cannot help others till I help myself. I did that with my ex though and I shouldn't have, but it doesn't matter much now. I feel like I gave my all with my ex and we've been over this, but it's not that it's not enough, it's that something told him to end this and he did - no ifs, ands, or buts which is totally unfair. It's like his way or no way and that sucked. I try to worry about me but as I'm willing to give and care so much I put others first hoping they will do the same for me but people can take advantage of that. We have it hard, we do but I will never stop caring. That's me and my 100% effort all of the time - if only I could always give myself that.

 

I feel like that's why the other night was so great - me just out with my fellow seniors, having a great time not worrying how late it was just having a great time and loving it so much. I just know my ex would have hated it and I loved it. It was me doing stuff with people that want me to do more things with them now - the prospects are so interesting. And I mentioned this in one of my threads (maybe) but my ex's mom today said "Doesn't it feel like your world was just you and him and now it's so much bigger?" and that really is true. I'm open to so many more things now and I can make this the best year ever, I hope I can at least.

 

I am all about the love, my darling ToV! I have love from friends, love from family, love my from family on here and I went to sleep Sunday night glowing - just feeling so happy and like the love of all of these people is not the same as the love of him - it's better. Who do I believe about myself - the voice inside of me and the voices of all of my other friends and my family or him? Not a hard question to answer! I'm the Energizer bunny, but even he must stop at some point... I'm pretty convinced!

 

He just didn't do that - he abandoned me when I really needed him and I will always remember that. I was down and he brought me down further to the point where I couldn't move because I was shaking and not crying from such fear and hurt. But I love giving - I need to be around people, talk with people, help them. Though if I burn out I know a break will surely be in order.

 

Or like right now. Sleep sounds good as I have an early class.

[Papillion]

I may not be SuperDave or Papillion, but I'm probably better looking then both

 

cheeky git!

 

lol