How do these things happen to me?

[tiredofvampires]

Subtitle: And why am I STILL second-guessing myself over this?!?!

 

I've got this situation right now which is nibbling what is becoming a nasty hole in my sole (soul?) like a little piece of glass stuck in my shoe. I've tried to just "get past it" but I'm not dealing with it well.

 

My ex and I were in a LDR, having met on a dating site; and for many reasons beyond the scope of this thread, I believe that I am destined to find the right person for me over long distance, unfortunately (I am not closed to people I meet locally, but for myriad reasons, it's a grim, slim possibility, and moving is not an option just now.) It is a good thing that I feel I'm an ideal candidate for an LDR, if there ever was one -- I have the patience, trust, independence, constancy, imagination and perseverance in my personality to see such a thing through with all its challenges. So when I am ready to "get back on the horse", I would certainly not rule out an LDR.

 

Backing up briefly, a recap of my breakup/post-breakup with my ex:

 

-- August of last year (nearly 1 year ago!): ex called it off with me with brutal and cold, final e-mail, going total NC; I become prfoundly devastated and unable to function at a basic level

 

-- October last year: I continue to be buffeted about by grief and despair and decide to help myself out a little by doing a search for a different type of website where there would be more men on "my wavelength", to tell myself there are people who might be better for me than my bf as a self "pep talk". I wanted to get away from the mainstream and huge sites, and into a smaller niche where I thought I'd find some inspiration and kindred souls who are especially interested in personal growth, not just partying and sports. I googled "spirtual" and "dating" and came up with a short list of a few sites, and was quite impressed with one in particular. Not only were they a small company, very obscure and personalized in their approach, but they featured some wonderful essay questions for the profile. There were options for friends, different sexual orientation, finding pen pals, etc. My kind of thing! In order to browse the membership, I had to sign in on a very basic level -- choose a screename and fill in a few skeletal stats. Which I did. I chose the same screename as I had used on my profile on the dating site I met my ex on -- a site already not as well known. To give an idea of how small this new one is though, in a search of men in my desired age range -- a span of 14 years -- there are only 16 matches for me in my ENTIRE state!!! Nonetheless, I was very impressed with the depth, quality and maturity and awareness of people there. I did a lot of browsing for a month or so, completely aware that without a picture of myself or any other data, I was as good as invisible. Which I intended, since I was in no way ready to put myself out there. But I kept it in mind as the place I'd one day come to, my oasis when I was ready to start my "fresh slate." I felt like I'd turned over a new leaf, and this would be my sanctuary away from the kind of person my ex was and the kinds of dating sites we might have met on. I stopped browsing though after a while, feeling I needed to heal my heart.

 

-- February, this year: I send my ex a cactus arrangement at work on Valentine's Day just to bury the bad energy and give unconditional love. It's sent without any expectation or romantic pretentions. To my shock, he responds receptively, with gratitude for "reaching out". It's clear indirectly that he has no sweetheart. He sends me a CD I alwasy wanted, to thank me, and we start gingerly conversing again by e-mail. (An aside: I happen to check link removed on a whim and see he is on there and frequently! Ouch! But I let that be.) I am not sure where this is going, and I am walking on eggshells not to presume anything. We exhange light banter about our lives, he expresses sincere desire to see a project I'd done, and signs e-mails, "talk more soon". All very withdrawn still, but it seems there is potential and I sense he is cracking the door open. For what, I don't know, since I am no longer sure I want him back, but I miss his unique personality and things we could share...and who knows...if we get to the point of actually being able to speak from our hearts? Could there be some reconcilliation, or at least understanding? I am a bit excited about the unknown, a little agitated and confused, but enjoy seeing his name in my inbox. It feels good in an edgy way, I missed him like a toothache that never went away. A month or so in, the ante is upped when I realize he's no longer on link removed. I start reading things into that, since he is getting more friendly with me...

 

-- April: I get on ENA and start processing like crazy about everything; meanwhile, my correspondence with him starts to take a downturn almost suddenly -- for reasons very mysterious to me, he starts to retract. I wonder has he found someone? Why the change in tone, why is he retreating again?

 

-- May: I realize our correspondence has degenerated and it's one-sided; I feel I'm putting out more than I'm getting back, in energy, effort, interest. I feel I've "lost" him AGAIN, and don't know why. He's trying to get rid of me through bloodless notes and mixed messages, I sense. So I withdraw into NC; he doesn't "fight" for it and we lose contact again; now I'm grieving "no chance ever again" and wondering what "happened"

 

-- Three weeks ago: I remember the spiritual site and after months, decide to see what's up there, if any new guys here have signed on, and again, just to boost up my morale. Again, not at all ready to put up a real profile. On the main login page, there is a little slide show in one corner, flashing the faces of newer members, and while I'm logging in -- MY EX'S FACE FLASHES IN THE WINDOW!!!!!!!!!!!

 

It's like wherever I go, THERE HE IS!!!! How could this happen? It's like this is the second time in our lives, against extremely absurd probabilities, we "found" eachother in the same place. I mean -- out of all the 1000s of dating sites, and millions of people, 1000's of miles apart?! For a good hour, I was shaking, it was that shocking -- his picture, up in lights on the marque, is the same one I'd seen when I winked at him 2 years ago on "our" site. And his username is different, except for 1 word. Here I was thinking smugly "At least I'm not in that ratrace link removed, like him, I have found something where the people are of a different sort altogether!" It was my symbolic sanctuary and new beginning -- and now, not only had he gotten on there just like me, while I was "away" from the site, but he has a full-fledged profile up, and I have jack up there! What's more disturbing than anything, besides knowing we are virtually once again a stone's throw from eachother, is...is this some "sign"? That we are still looking in the same places for eachother? I know that sounds SO hokey and ridiculously over-romanticized, but what kind of coincidence and luck is this? I've done so much work on myself to move on, how could I be thinking this??! So that is the first question to you all -- what do I do about these feelings of "serendipidy", about my foiled fresh start?

Secondly, and probably most stupidly of all: since my username is the same as it was before, by an easy search, he could have easily located me. Even though I wasn't active, or utilitizing the site except to medicate my grief before he even found it, and had no picture up (thank God!) or profile...so this is what is bothering me soooooo much...what if we were just starting to break the ice e-mailing, and he wandered over there with curiosity just like me, and was just shocked to see my name there in the directory, and thought, "Why bother e-mailing her when she's dating, and I could get hurt here?" After I discovered him there, somehow the pieces in the timeline seem to match up -- that around the time he started to become more withdrawn from me in our writing, may have been around the time he happened on this site and figured since I am moving on, so will he. And gave me the "hint" he didn't want to correspond anymore. Of course, my activities were anything but dating and interest in anyone. This is all conjecture, but I think it's not unlikely, and makes me feel awful. Because of all sorts of assumptions that I am in no position to address.

 

The Big Question being: WHY DO I EVEN STILL CARE?

 

I don't know why I feel like I still have to explain myself to him (that was the constant dynamic with us), after so much water under the bridge, but I have this powerful urge for him to know that I haven't dated anyone and have been focusing on me, not dating sites, and....wonder if our corerspondence ended over his trying to put two and two together wrongly. I just feel a sense of loss and wondering what would have happened if I had put up a different username and he didn't even know I was there. Could we have progressed futher??

 

I'm sorry this seems so regressive. And long. I feel I should be past this sort of stuff. Thank you for listening to this. I just feel like the old "I blew it" tape is going through my head now after this. Any perspective would be greatly appreciated. At very least, I feel beaten to the punch and it's not the same anymore, about that site. Seems even trying to move on, I can't by some divine hand.

[Lana0120]

It must have felt weird. It probably wasn't divine intervention lol, but these things can sure feel like it. *hugs*

[tiredofvampires]

Thanks for reading, Lana, and the hugs. It's TOO weird, and just freaks me out.

[Desiderata]

That is ridiculous, first of all. It's like how could he have the same thought process and find the exact same small dating site that you were on. It's hard to even think to do anything - it would be unfair for you to go off of the website as it's your little secret, but now that he's on there it will be harder for you to put a profile out in the open. That is very true though, if he happened to see you on the site that would have caused him to recoil and realize that if he does want to get back with you there is less of a chance because you are already on other dating sites.

 

You can care so much because him seeing you on there might feel like a small betrayal - like you two were talking and now you are on this site. It's like how you felt when he was on Match - accepting it but not really wanting to think about it. It really is like someone or something wants you two to just keep meeting up - like you are on this site and he pops up unexpectedly. Explaining yourself to him would inadvertantly show that you still care about him in some capacity but it could also set you up for getting hurt again - like just telling him one little thing with good intentions might turn out badly.

 

Steering totally clear of him seems impossible because you like this little site and now he's on it. I wonder if he will say anything to you before you think of saying anything to him as he is the one that became distant in the first place.

[Moto]

LDR's are a tough route, no matter how perfect of a candidate you are for them. I had to do it for almost eight months with the ex, and couldn't take it anymore, and decided I had to up and move.

 

I think you care because you haven't really found anyone to think about yet, as it doesn't seem you are attached to him anymore, just seeing him at random. You two HAD to have a lot of similarities to begin with, and are probably just on the same train of thought on where to go to really move on.

[Miss Firecracker]

April: I get on ENA and start processing like crazy about everything; meanwhile, my correspondence with him starts to take a downturn almost suddenly -- for reasons very mysterious to me, he starts to retract. I wonder has he found someone? Why the change in tone, why is he retreating again?

 

 

 

If you are always hitting the same forums, it's possible he frequents this one.

[tiredofvampires]

Desi --

 

Thanks, yeah -- RIDICULOUS is the word. And you pretty much see how boxed in I am! I don't think it's fair that I'd have to leave the site, and that's letting him have a lot of power. I think the problem more than anything is that issue of betrayal you mention -- that he may have found me there and misconstrued it all! Just another re-run of the story of our lives. What I think is interesting about this is that I continued to correspond with him even though I saw he was on Match -- just to keep that info to myself and pretend I'd never seen it. Isn't it rather ironic that if he saw ME on a site, he'd just give up and leave our communication? This is just another example (if any of this is true, how it all worked out!) of how I cut him SOOO much more slack to just be himself and to not try to have all the answers spelled out, to just let things unfold with an open heart (despite feeling kind of vulnerable) but to just let things be, whereaas he had to protect himself all the time from any sort of vulnerability.

 

And also -- IF he was starting to feel any re-igniting interest in me, why would he get on a dating site anyway? It just seems like we are fated to keep finding eachother and being DOOMED over crazy things. My heart can't heal like this, it just can't.

 

Moto -- thanks for your comments. I think you make a lot of sense: that since we DID both have a similar aim in what we wanted (at least on paper we did, the actual living it out was a different matter), it might make sense that he'd actually find this little site. I just feel sick now with the idea of even going there.

 

As for LDRs, it probably has something to do with my age, but I am really willing to look ANYWHERE for that needle in a haystack. I live in a place that is anything BUT conducive to the kind of person I seek, and I have a living arrangement that if I left, in brief, might leave me on the street (I don't work due to a health condition.) So I am really in an awful bind. I will travel anywhere to be with someone, as we visit eachother and build a future that way, and figure out if it's worth relocating, but until then, I can't burn bridges. It's so depressing. I have felt that where there is a will, there is a way, but many people don't feel this way. I don't think even my ex could deal with it, though he wanted to believe he could. He lives in a HUGE metropolitan area, I live in a small provincial place separated from anything like that by 2500 miles of ocean. I fear this is very bleak, unless I find someone who has a very extraordinary orientation, who feels that me being in their life is so much better than my not being in their life, we will make a way for it to happen, even with some time apart. It's quite a stretch, isn't it? gulp.

 

MF -- Wow, you know, I thought I was psycho when that occurred to me, so you saying it too makes me even more paranoid! I don't think he has the emotional constitution to post here and "lay his guts open" -- he doesn't have that kind of open nature or ability to turn himself over for criticism as well as asking the painful questions. But I HAVE actually wondered at times if he'd put a keylogger on here to read what I'm writing. And if he visited here as a guest, he'd know me, right away, not just by the details of the stories, but how lengthy my writing is, lol. (One thing we shared in a spectacular way, a simply matchless soulful connection sharing our hearts over the distance in writing between visits.) But if he is truly that stalkerish, how could that be anything other than scary? If he was doing that, let him -- he can read here all about my love for him, there is nothing here that says anything but how hurt and griefstricken I am and was, and how honest I've been, and that everything I've ever told him is TRUTH.

 

But I think this is highly unlikely. The dating site thing is more likely. Hmmm. Trying to think like a psycho makes me feel a little psycho!

 

It's all just so infuriating!!!!!

[tiredofvampires]

Oh, another thing, Desiderata --

 

I KNOW he will not say anything to me. He is just by nature a distant person by nature when feeling vulnerable. I was constantly the one trying to mend fences and build bridges. He has enormous pride (he'd never be the dumper who returns on all fours) and lots of practice (ended 20 relationships before me). Who am I but a girl on an island in the middle of the ocean to him?

 

I don't know if it would be very dignified of me to say anything to him -- what would I say? There is nothing left to say except to defend myself about something I didn't even "do". And for what? To convince I am available? I am not really "available", but I did want our correspondence to continue! I feel like it's water under the bridge, but still....I feel like somehow I messed up, like once again, he felt betrayed by me and got hurt and backed off. I can't apologize because I didnt' do anything wrong, but I feel it's all ruined!!

 

I don't know what the hell I'm clinging to here. My good name? What could have been?...

[Miss Firecracker]

Or if you were upset enough to come here and talk about him, that could have been spilling over in your communication to him. Also, did you change your behavior to him in response to suggestions you got here? So many possibilities here.

[Desiderata]

You've given me so much to work with and respond to and I'm very happy about that. I thrive on helping people and I think some see that as a weakness, but I love it!

 

Leaving this site would be the worst thing to do - you got there first and just because he's on there doesn't mean you have to leave. I mean it makes it hard, but you guard your turf - he's the one that got there second! Though he was on Match and you're exactly right - you just put it in the back of your mind and him seeing you on the sight probably let him jump to conclusions. He could have just asked you outright why you were on there if he really wanted to know.

 

My GOSH we are so similar in that way! I keep finding that with people on here, which is so great. I used to just say "That's okay, he will make it up" or "He will get better" with my ex, but it was just talk and no action. My ex is always afraid of being vulnerable and that's probably one of the reasons he ended things with me, though I keep trying to not think about why and just move on. But I was always supportive and open and willing to work with what he was doing and he just got angry over little things and just did not like to talk things out, he was crazy in that way.

 

And for real, why would he be on a dating site while still talking to you? If he was interested was it a "just in case" things don't work out or was he really not interested or what? Figuring out ex's and their thought processes is like this million dollar question and I don't think I will ever figure mine out.

 

I was always the one trying to fix things too - he would hardly ever apologize, but he would hurt me and then expect things to be okay. He would say if there was a problem that you should walk away from it and then come back, talk about it, and be okay while I liked to just get things over with and fix them before things got worse. 20 relationships?! Wow. If he is around your age that seems like an awful lot in just close to 40 years or so when you think about it.

 

Saying anything to him seemed like a good idea when I first said it, but I think that's dignity suicide right there now that I think about it. Saying anything to him would make you seem foolish and it would be you assuming that he wants to know or that he cares to know. You are not emotionally available enough to be with someone, but talking to him seemed nice and he just ended that too. Maybe he's like my ex and really any kind of vulnerability sends up a red flag.

 

If he stopped talking to you then it is his fault for getting upset. If he saw you on the dating site and thought "Oh, well she's moving on" then he should have said something to you to clarify. Why ruin a friendship that seems to be going okay? He should have just been happy for you that you are on that site - for whatever reason - and just kept talking to you. You did not mess up, my dear, you just did what you were doing and he is the one that took it out of context.

 

I think I will always care about what my ex thinks of me and I still worry about him. It's like you are embarrassed by what has happened and you want to make things okay. But then it's just you - once again - making things right while he does nothing even though this is his fault. You stay strong, keep your dignity, and do what makes you happy.

 

Oh and just in case you reply and I'm not here - I'm going out for a little while but if you respond I will be sure to reply when I get back. Just a disclaimer because I will never abandon anyone that needs advice.

[tiredofvampires]

No, actually I didn't leak out a thing about anything to him, or do anything differently. And if anything, I was not keeping up the NC that most people advocate here, so by engaging with him was a somewhat risk I decided to take (people didn't advise me NOT to talk to him, but nor did I ask for advice about this -- since I had contacted him with the cactus garden before I even came here and even knew what "NC" was, and we were already corresponding.) I was just polite, friendly, sharing some things of interest, asking him questions about "safe" stuff -- it was just all very safe and cordial, with his bits of humor and wit thrown in, and mine, and yet I felt we were putting on painful pretences, which I thought I would just bite the bullet about until we got waaaaay more comfortable. He even went so far as to send me a piece of music that was like my favorite song he ever played for me, that he used to tell me he'd send me (before we broke up), and said emphatically he was "so glad" I was still receptive to getting that from him. I said I was so happy to have it, and he said he'd keep an eye out for things he thought I'd enjoy, and I said I'll do the same.

 

By the time May rolled around, it was just disintegrating, and I was fighting so hard to keep the interest going. We both have a birthday that month, 2 days apart, and I went from planning to send him a DVD, to just a CD, down to one song, and then...just a card, seeing how his tone was cooling off rapidly. I sent him a b-day card, and got a VERY SHORT and uninvovled e-mail from him on my birthday, and among the the things it said was:

 

"I hope your birthday has been filled with love and celebration, as

you are loved and have many gifts to give and receive that are so

very worth celebrating. I wish for you the best from my heart always,

and that you know how truly and perfectly beautiful you are."

 

???????????????????????

 

I wrote back to him the next day, thanking him for the sweet note (nothing about not getting a card from him) and telling him a little of the laid-back things I did on my b-day, and when he didn't respond at all, I just realized that I was clutching at something. I don't know if I"ll ever feel closure about this. For the SECOND time!!! That was pretty much the end of it. I don't know if this little bit was a "goodbye" in disguise or what!!

[tiredofvampires]

You don't think I should actually venture to say anything, do you? To break my now firm NC??

[freudj2000]

I personally think you should not bother saying anything to him.

[Moto]

I also think you should not say anything to him, not like it was rude or anything, but you've come so far to turn back now, and may get hurt by the results , and that would be tragic to go back to square one, despite what you know now!

[tiredofvampires]

Thanks you guys, freud and Moto...

 

I think I needed to hear someone say that I need to leave this alone. I just wish I would stop obsessing about the "what if's", had this strange twist of fate not thrown another wrinkle in our path to divide us. I thought at least we might be friends...

 

But I agree that it might set me back to square one, Moto...let sleeping dogs lie.

[Desiderata]

Ahhh the "what ifs" kill me at times like this, I feel. It's like "But what if I do talk to him" but then there are so many bad possibilities. Integrity needs to win over the desire to see whether something can happen. If you do nothing you will never know what he would have said, but you will be safe.

[Clabs]

Hey TOV

 

I agree that you would gain nothing by contacting him at this point. The what if's suck but if you leave him alone the what if's vapourise eventually.

 

You don't want to set yourself back - to hurt yourself because it is selfish time now!

 

Mark

[Papillion]

ok, i think he ran a search on your username and it threw that site up. he got pi$$ed at you for being on there and thats why he withdrew again. i'd bet my last £ this is what happened.

 

i've done it myself. i ran a search on my g/f's username and discovered she was on 3 sites i didnt even know existed. it was all very innocent stuff - one was to do with tv shows from the 1970's and another was about tortoises (she owns two) so i had no reason to complain or demand to know why she hadnt told me about them, but my point is, its very easy to do and my guess is that this is what happened. he may have joined the site purely to let you know he'd "rumbled" you. try googling your username and see if that site comes up.

 

my advice would be to say something to him cos it looks like a misunderstanding may have taken place here.

[tiredofvampires]

Thanks Desi and Clabs --

 

Yes -- it's so hard when you really don't have a crystal ball to know!! It's like:

 

Best case scenario: I establish contact again (something that seems really very "in bad form" at this time), or he is responsive to me in some way, and we start chatting again. Over months and months, we start to regain enough trust to go deeper than light conversation and "safe" subjects, and start to be frank about the awful uprooting that was our end, and try to in hindsight, understand eachother better. And we discover that each of us has a newfound respect for the other. I find out that he has really regretted MANY things and is sorry, and has gotten help for these things and wants to change them (now I'm starting to create a full-on fairy tale that seems totally comically implausible). So we decide to CONSIDER to give things another go, with the help of therapy and a new foundation of my stating and his stating what we need and if we can provide that for eachother in this life. Otherwise, we decide to never be partners again, but shake hands on why this cannot be, and yet decide to maintain a friendship that is supportive, fun, and enlightened from a distance, wishing eachother to find the person we belong with.

 

Worst case scenario: We go through all of this, and when we get to the phase of "are we going to give this another try" I buckle into that even though I am suspicious that he may have only superficially acknowledged things and not fundamentally changed, and being "duped" once again about feeling he and I are on the same wavelength when we are NOT. And so Part 2 of the nightmare continues and ENDS again with me older and hating myself for ever having gone down this road again, and feeling at this point even more unsalvageable in spirit than the first time around.

 

YIIIIIIIIKESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! This would be a NIGHTMARE! The thought of the worst case scenario makes me believe that some stones just shouldn't be turned over. Not even to see what could be there. I think this is the hardest thing here -- just to LET GO without anything to go on except what my memories are, and to sadly jump to the conclusion (not that this is normally in my personality to do so) that things would never really change, they would just seem to at the beginning.

[JadedStar]

TOV, if he knows that tiredofvampires is a nickname of yours, finding your posts here is super easy. All he has to do is google it, and once he starts reading it won't take long to realize that the TOV here is one and the same that he knows...he woudln't need a keylogger for that. YOu would be surprised how many threads i have read in my time where a person was find out like this and the other person was livid that private details were being spoken about.

[tiredofvampires]

Wow, Papillion!!! This truly has shaken me up!!

 

I am very UNsavvy when it comes to the computer, and especially in the area of relationship detective work, though I do admit I once googled his username from the site we met on, and it turned up nothing.

 

Don't sites protect their membership? I just did a google search JUST typing in my username, then in quotation marks, and I only saw two sites that aren't even in English, that's all. Nothing of this site.

 

Am I missing something? Are there ways to search I am not aware of? UGH, this is starting to feel icky, like if he does this sort of thing...again, this is not the caliber of behavior I would want in a partner. I mean, I have done some search things out of curiosity myself, but if he did that and posted a profile just to spite me, or trump me, that sickens me.

 

I would appreciate your telling me if there is a way to confirm that this is not possible, based on what I just said of my search. My username is very uncommon, probably one of a kind. I just for a test, googled his username and it pulled up many pages, lots of myspace entries and a couple of other dating site profiles, so I typed in his name and the name of the site to narrow it down and it's not coming up with anything. He is a technical pro, so I wonder if he knows how to guard himself against being "discovered"?

 

I just don't know how he'd find me if I can't find myself with a regular google seach of my name only.

 

 

 

But he is my EX bf. Your situation is one where you are still with your lady, right? So I'm not sure why I should contact him over the misunderstanding whe he has broken up with me, then backed away when I was reaching out, and if there is some lurid secret operation here, what am I supposed to say, "Hey, I happened to notice that since I have a profile up on this dating site, which you are apparently on with a profile, I think I should tell you that I wasn't really even using it, I just got on it to look around without any intentions while trying to get over over you many months ago, just FYI" and see how that flie -- out of the blue, contact this person who has withdrawn from my life to justify myself? I can't see doing that with healthy self-respect, integrity or even...purpose. This could turn into massive humiliation on my part for so many reasons and based on many assumptions about his feelings for me at this point, his motivations, his actions, etc.

[Moto]

Am I missing something? Are there ways to search I am not aware of? UGH, this is starting to feel icky, like if he does this sort of thing...again, this is not the caliber of behavior I would want in a partner. I mean, I have done some search things out of curiosity myself, but if he did that and posted a profile just to spite me, or trump me, that sickens me.

 

Don't get upset about "what ifs" ToV! I highly doubt he would do something like that judging from what you've said about him. Getting upset about the unknown is TRULY a terrible step in the wrong direction .

 

It's possible that he stumbled accross it, but I doubt he, or anyone, would post a profile out of spite after this long.

 

Just my two cents.

[JadedStar]

I just typed tiredofvampires into yahoo and the very FIRST match was your userprofile on this site:

 

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/member.php?u=50925 - 11k - Cached

[tiredofvampires]

Moto --

 

Thank you for the peps, I really need it!! I agree, this is a pretty big regression for me, and the more I think about all the uknowns, the worse I am feeling. I thought it was just an unfortunate coincidence, but now I am getting actually a bit scared of things that belong more in bad movies...

 

I am just wondering, from YOUR perspective, what have I said about him that would make it seem unlikely that he'd do the things we are talking about (stalking, then posting his profile for effect.) Without going into great deal at the moment, he has a cunning side that did show up in ways when we were together. (He snooped on and read all my e-mails I wrote while staying with him; he logged onto the dating site we were both on [though neither of us were "active" anymore] to see if I was "logged on"; he manipulated his profile a few times to make a point when we were having troubles;...) Is there something that might reassure me here you are considering that I am overlooking?

 

Thanks, JadedStar...I appreciate your cautions and info! I wonder why the same search on google didn't turn up my username here?! I just ran the yahoo search and found the same link as you. But THANK GOD: my username here is not the same as the one I used for the dating sites (lol, that would suck as a username on a dating site anyway!). This one I only use here. Of course the idea that he could find me here leaves me cold and mortified. I just don't know how far he would go, and as Moto says, after this long?....

 

But if he is trying to stay in NC yet is wanting to fish for something, it is not ENTIRELY out of the question...oh, I hope this was all just a weird fluke, by chance...

 

Doing the same yahoo search on my dating site user name, I got no results. Does that mean I am "safe"? Isn't there any surefire way to know that my name is protected and hasn't been searched? Why would "tiredofvampires" show up and not another username? Does it depend on the search engine being used? I just need a sense of security now!!!!

 

This thread has gone in a really weird direction! Papillion?....SuperDave?....someone with smarts in this sort of thing?.....what a weird twist here...

 

Talk about NOT a good development for moving forward. I feel quite ridiculous at the moment.

[Moto]

So I withdraw into NC; he doesn't "fight" for it and we lose contact again; now I'm grieving "no chance ever again" and wondering what "happened"

 

If he didn't fight for it when he had the chance, why would he pursue this far down the road, in a "stalking" way, when he knows the lines of communication are still probably open if he wants to open them.

 

The last email he sent you sounded very nice, and a great way to end communication, it seemed positive, albeit forced, like he truly accepted everything.

 

I just don't see ANY guy going through those measures, and obsessing over someone that he knows he could get a hold of. Unless you changed your email address, phone number, and any means he had to communicate with you. Even then he'd send a message on one of the sites he found you on, no matter what.

 

Although not true for most people, I think from what you've said about him, that it is true for him.