Dating out of your league?

[Clementine orange]

There's a woman who works in my building who is making some flirty eye kind of thing with me everytime she sees me and we've talked in the elevator and a few emails. Even in my incredible niavity I can tell she would like to take things down a certain path. She actually must think I'm a total idiot for not leaping on the situation already. We are both single and know it.

 

The problem is that she is drop dead good looking - I mean an absolute stunner. Waaaay out of my league. I'm a bit silly around her actually. She is one of those women who know they are a "10" and knows just how to work it. I'm a little blown away by all this.

 

The second problem is that I'm 6 weeks out of a relationship that really hurt me and I'm still healing from it. I still have feelings for the ex. The additional misery that the ex has confessed that she still has feelings for me and we are toying with the idea of reconcilliation but both of us are too messed up to know how to go about doing it. (I should be sharing that NC broken story for you all). I'm feeling very "needy" which is not an enduring trait I'm sure.

 

I worry that if I date the "10" then I will get hurt and/or not get back together with the ex. My confidence levels are at an all time low right now - I'm not sure how good I would be on a date anyway. I am feeling pretty low on the "charming" totem pole. Not really sure what the "10" sees in me. I mean I can do the auto-pilot charm thing for a while - like 1/2 hour or something but then later I'm all depressed and "boo hoo my ex left me" later on. If I stall much longer then "10" will think I'm gay or not interested or something and wander off to someone else.

 

I'm a mess in general actually to be honest.

[JadedStar]

I say don't do it Clem. You still have feelings for the ex...what if you ask this girl out and you go hit it off...then you reconcile with the ex? YOu risk hurting this girl who might have hoped for more and risk putting yourself into a much bigger quandry then you are already in.

 

I'd say this is a good reason why it is best to not date until one relationship can at least be resolved to the point you know you are not getting back together. Fewer people get hurt, less confusion.

[Lily04]

i'm not sure how old you are, but you seem really focused on her appearance more than anything. I am like that sometimes too, but it sounds to me like you're still in the healing stages due to a bad breakup, and only really want this girl because she's a "10". I never heard anything about her "great personality" or "intelligence" or "ambition" or any other qualities you may find attractive... so what are you really looking to get out of this?? bragging rights to your friends (or ex., or friends of your ex?) that you're dating this hot girl? if you don't really see yourself with her, i would let her go... and focus on yourself as I would advise to most people who just got out of a long term relationship. Looking for 'hot rebounds' isn't all that attractive, and she will detect soon enough that you're not ready for a relationship and are only using her to feed your ego (which it sounds like to me...to put most bluntly.) I'd acknowledge the attraction, and feel flattered, but if you're not ready to date again yet, then don't force it. Let her be with someone who really appreciates her and not just her hotness...

[Clementine orange]

Good point Lily, I am actually older and more experienced in this. I know in my posting I was kind of focusing on the "hotness" element but in reality she is also smart and ambitious and all that stuff to. I guess I should have clarified - a "10" in my book goes far beyond only looks.

I'm old enough that I don't do "bragging rights" or showing off or whatever. I've left those days (thank goodness) along time ago.

I wouldn't want my ex to know about her since I'm sure it would hurt her.

As far as feeding my ego....hmmmm...there might be an element to that, more likely to be a distraction to my bruised ego - which I guess is the same as feeding it.

 

The sad reality is that I want my ex back :sad: but I don't know if that is going to happen.

[Lana0120]

Weigh it up... which do you want more, getting back with your ex, or the possibility of a sex buddy or an altogether new relationship?

[sao2]

I say stand back and see what this girl does. She might just get really obvious with you in which case, enjoy. Who knows, you might just find you like hanging out with her more than you like hanging with the ex.

 

Don't worry about making moves right now, if she wants you, she'll make hard to resist. Enjoy feeling attractive again, that always helps.

[Dating Coach]

If you think she is out of your league she will be. Why? Because if you feel she is better than you then your actions will inevitably show that, and this will turn her off. No woman wants to date her inferior.

 

Figure out a way to get her to think that you are her in her league or out of her league and THEN you will be able to be in a strong position to develope her interest.

[Dako]

So are you a believer that only 10s should date 10s, and you're a 6, but you have at least three extra points from your personality, so if you get a good haircut and hold in your gut...

 

Seriously, this seems like a confidence problem.

You're obviously still hurting from the breakup and not ready for this.

[Dating Coach]

So are you a believer that only 10s should date 10s, and you're a 6, but you have at least three extra points from your personality, so if you get a good haircut and hold in your gut...

 

Seriously, this seems like a confidence problem.

You're obviously still hurting from the breakup and not ready for this.

 

I don't know if that was directed at me or the OP but I'd still like to respond.

 

It doesn't take a 10 to date a 10. To get a 10 you must get them to see you as an 11.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, I think this hottie has been stroking your ego and that has brought out some feelings in you that you need to deal with now.

 

You are attractive to other women. Even very hot, knows how to work it ones.

Uh oh.

Now you've got a conflict of ideas:

 

Being ok and attractive to others, seen as ready to be ready to engage in new relationships again

and

Feeling like you might not be ok or worthy (totally common after a break up) , and not feeling ready inside to be engaging someone new

 

This is all good. Time to update your Self Image. Pick an improvement, please!

[Day_Walker]

See you are forgetting one very important thing about her, she is just a woman. You are manipulating your own mind to believe that she is a 10 and thus by doing so you are allowing yourself to make her out to be something that she is not. If you cannot treat her like a normal person then you wont get far with her. You need to find a way to make sure that you see her as just being another girl instead of giving her special consideration because you believe her to be a "10"