After 10 months of NC, still think about the ex sometimes.

[Scorpio8647]

Ok 10 months ago, my ex and I broke up in bad terms. I've gotten over it a long time ago and I really don't have feelings for the guy anymore. We basically ended things badly and he hurt me and cheated on me. Just I don't get why I still think about him sometimes. He was a very fun guy to be around & I miss the conversations we had, I don't miss him.. I miss having a boyfriend. I have not had one since the last guy I dated and that was 10 months ago. It just gets lonely sometimes. I like to think about the good times with my ex before I found out about him cheating on me. I was just so happy last year around this time. I'm trying to move on with my life but it just seems like this past year has been a bad year for me. I'm constantly living in the past and I keep thinking about the times I were happy, you would think after 10 months, I would have moved on by now.. How pathetic of me. Also it seems like no guy is interested in me.

[andy5128]

I think you have answered your own concerns here. By moving forward you will meet someone interested in you but by living in the past you are putting your life on hold.. Everyone heals at different rates don't worry about the timescale here, you will move forward when you are ready. Continue with your healing and things will improve for you and I am sure there will then be many guys interested in you..

 

Andy

[alwaysthegirlfriend]

Your not pathetic don't say that about yourself.

 

Maybe after 10 months you have not completely moved on because you still think about him.

 

How long were you two together?

 

Why do you say guys aren't interested in you? Have you tried to go out on dates and meet people?

 

You may not have feelings for this guy but maybe the thing you are missing the most is the good conversation and the good times and someone to hang out with. Maybe you just need to have more fun out with friends or meeting new people because it sounds like you aren't having fun and that's why you are missing the fun you had with him.

 

Just because it's been 10 months doesn't meant anything. It may take a little longer for you to completely remove yourself from him.

 

I just think right now you are missing the guy because he was someone you had fun with. I'm pretty sure one you meet another guy that you have great conversations with and go out with you will stop thinking about the one guy that cheated on you.

 

Try and be more active because its seems like right now you are just unhappy. You are NOT pathetic. Call up some friends go out and meet new people. Spoil yourself and do something fun. Stop sitting at home and thinking about this guy. There are going to be plenty of guys who find interst in you but they can't show interest if you aren't out there.

 

hope this helps a little.

[itsallgrand]

Hey. I understand. And I think you're doing good. Good that you can spot the diff between missing him and missing what you had back then.

 

Think there is this weird time when we start to want the emotional closeness again, but still are somewhat close to the pain and memories of the last time.

An in between time where it can be hard to decide what to do. Risk? Hang back? Distract and remember?

 

That's where I feel, too. Because I know when I start to open up to new people, it brings up feelings I didn't know were still there. Or there at all. Powerful stuff. Still processing it all.

 

And I think cheating adds an extra dimension to it. Might take more time, more grieving or something.

 

If you haven't yet, I'm finding that giving myself permission to just be single and not even worry about guys at all is actually helping. Out of mind.

That doesn't mean to not do anything.

I'm trying to work on getting closer to people in general, and being comfy with my alone time in general.

 

Find something you care about that will connect you. Can you think of anything that doesn't have to do with men that you want to spend more time on?

 

I'm sorry your year has been a rough one. Let's , this new one be a good one.

[Clabs]

Hey Scorpio!

 

Always is right - you are not pathetic. You take as long as it takes - some people deal with this more quickly than others. Right now though, you identify that it is not missing your ex that makes you feel this way but the missing having fun in your life.

 

The sucky thing is that because you feel this way about yourself - you think you are pathetic - that is possibly what you project and that is perhaps why you have no male interest. It is amazing that when you feel really good about yourself, good things seem to follow you around and when you feel bad, $hit happens!

 

Be good to you and be kind to you please, because actually - you are a pretty bl00dy cool person. Ditch your broken mirror with that cr@ppy reflection and go get yourself a new one!

 

Take care honey.

 

Mark

[Hearts]

You aren't pathetic.

I feel totally the same, I'm missing what I had before the good times and the fun times I had with my ex, I know this is suck but I also know this won't last forever so it doesn't mean you won't get good times after this point or it doesn't mean you won't able to find a guy who you will enjoy to be together, it is all up to you and how much you want to regain happiness after this point. You should try to stop thinking over the past and do things for the future.

[Scorpio8647]

You know what hurts? We could have been the perfect couple. He was my best friend and we dated for a year. He was the only person that understood me. He made me laugh and he was always there for me. Out of everyone, he was the only one that truly made me happy. When I found out who he really was and that he was messing around on me I was devastated. Before I met him, I was looking for soo long for that perfect person and he could have been all of that. I was so depressed those 1st months after the breakup. It was like, here I am again lonely all over again and in the worst way. To make it soo much worse, he's dating someone else and he seems happy while my life is still miserable. I didn't forget the pain he caused me but I oddly just want to live in the fantasy world of him being the person I thought he was. Sad as it sounds, I rather not have found out about him cheating on me, I rather lived in the dark.

 

I mean I have friends and everything that I hang out with, but it's not the same. These people don't make me feel as good as he did.There just seems to be this missing void in my life. No one excites me like he does, no one could reach my level like he did. He was probably fake from the beginning but I don't know. It's just hard finding people that are into the things that I am into. Being single sucks because there's just no one you can be with.

 

Moving forward is the hard part because the past seems better than the future. I mean all I do is work and school and both things are so boring, I just would like a little fun in my life, maybe a little romance but it just seems like I can't achieve that

[Coyote9]

Please don't be too hard on yourself Scorpio, and Clabs and others have said, it takes as long as it takes. I'm 4 months out and have a long long way to go. I can imagine that I'll be better by the winter but certainly not over it. I think the critical issue is what I've highlighted above here. You are ready, or where when you met your ex, to make that deep and unconditional committment in a relationship.

 

For the reasons you've stated, this man was for you as close to "perfection" as you've experienced. Given how things ended, I think that's more about you and your readiness for a relationship that about him. Given how he treated you at the end and left you for someone else, he is certainly not the perfect man, even though a big part of your heart and brain still has him occupying that spot. He could have been that person, just as I hoped my ex could be, but the fact is they were not and never will be for us!

My relationship ended badly as well but I've had my ex on a pedestal much of these months as well, as it took me so long to embrace my hopes and dreams and finally give to her what I've always wanted to give, and then she didn't want it. Likely she really never did or this would have turned out differently. Again, it's about my hopes and dreams at this point.

 

I find that I'm having to let go of them in order for my ex to move off of her pedestal. That doesn't mean that I don't want those things, but I can't dwell now on those because all of my feelings about my ex come flooding back as she's the only one I can associate with those dreams.

 

The solution? I'm living each day at a time. Not worrying about the big picture exactly, which is very hard to do. My recovery will be severly tested tomorrow as I'm going back to work after 4 months and may run into her at some point. I'm trying to see her with different eyes, as the relationship we once had, what she said she once felt, how I came to feel about her are all just memories at this point, and painful ones at that.

 

 

Live a day at a time doing the things you love doing surrounded by those who love and support you, and time will pass to the point you won't even be counting months anymore. One foot in front of the other will bet us all far up the road eventually!

Coyote

[benga]

Scorpio -Don't be to hard on yourself. What you are experiencing is very very natural.

 

Over time you, me and everybody on this board will move on and move ahead. How long depends entirely on you, your past relationship, the support system you have developed over the months and naturally what you have learnt about yourself over the past couple of months... I am sure you have made lifelong changes within yourself and have had immense learnings from this experience.

 

Death of somebody close and end of a relationship with somebody close are perhaps the hardest events to deal with in life. You will never "entirely" be over it, but you will be better over time.. The "better" will happen in nanobits, but it surely does get better... There will come a time, when you will meet somebody wonderful.. There will come a time when you will begin trusting again...

 

Remember yourself when the relationship ended? Remember some of your thoughts?

 

Look at yourself today!! Look at the remarkable progress you have made... Picture yourself having made similar progress 10 months hence..

 

I live in the hope of making the same progress with myself, just the same as I have made in the past 8 months... The next 8 months will be better, cause I was a wreck for the first 3 -4 months of the end of my marriage. I still don't have closure, as there has been no talk of divorce... But she is not the same person to me any more.. She is different to me now, and she broke my heart.. I never gave her the right to do that...I never gave her the right to hurt me...

 

You are doing well. Really well... You have a wonderful support system at ENA.... I don't know what I would have done without all the wonderful people on this board....

 

God Bless

 

Benga

[TXStar7128]

Scorpio...I am feeling much the same feelings as you. You are definitely not alone in this. I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned how he ended up not being the person you thought he was. My ex didn't cheat, but he told some whopper lies, so I feel the same about him. We both just have to remember this...that our exes were NOT the people we thought they were...it just took them a long time to show their true colors. Its hard to remember that our exes were not those great loving people we feel in love with, well, they were, but they were also lying, cheating scumbags with some serious, serious character flaws. I am still struggling with this...I miss the great times...I miss when things were good...I wish like hell that my ex hadn't lied and all this had not happened. But the fact is they did.

 

There is a great quote that I've always, always kept in mind..."When people show you who they are, believe them."

 

Our exes showed us, very clearly, who they were when they decided to lie and cheat. Sucks, but thats a big part of who they are, and they were probably like this with SOs before us, and will continue to be that way with people after us. Its just who they are. But its still a tough lesson to learn.

 

And I have to argee with the posters who said you will start meeting more people when you shake some of this off and get your confidence back!!! A few weeks ago, I felt like no one would look at me. I looked around, thought every girl everywhere I went was prettier than I was, and that I would never get any attention again. I've been getting a lot better over the last few weeks, and am starting to feel A LOT better about myself. Went out last weekend, had two guys ask for my number, one asked me out the next day, and had about 5 different guys tell me that I was beautiful. I swear, confidence in yourself makes ALL the difference!!!!

[macgyver4ever]

Don't beat yourself up.

I'm 6 months out of a 4 year relationship, and it gets better each as time goes on. My ex cheated on me, so I know how that pain lingers. I forced myself to start dating again, even before things had completely ended. I dated a lot, not to find a rebound, or fill the void, but to have fun and enjoy life. I got some great stories out of horrible dates, and learned a lot about myself and what I need in a relationship.

 

When you are cheated on, it feels like you reality has been stripped from you. Everything you thought was real and trusted is now questioned, and those great memories you shared are now in the shadows of delete. You probably have been questioning "who was he really, was it all just a lie when he was with me?" Its a question you may never really know the answer to, but as time passes, you will care less about. The answer, if you wanted to know, is a combination of both; he was lying about who he was, because he probably wanted to be something better, but couldn't escape from who he actually was.

 

My ex had a scandalous past of cheating and one night stands before I met her. She told me that was behind her, and she had turned to God now. We both wanted the same things in life, and for 3.5 years, we were on the path to having that. Right after he 24th birthday, something snapped. Tired of the routine, and fearful of growing up, she sought out drama, alcohol, parties, and attention. Covering mistakes with mistakes, she returned to the girl she was before I met her. Not wanting "this person" I let her go, and have not really talked to her since.

 

Everyday I wish that girl that I loved was back, but I HAVE to believe she is gone for good. I am moving on, and have been in a new relationship for almost 4 months now. I'll always have a place in my heart for my ex, but it is shrinking everyday.

 

Try to meet new people, start dating (let me know if you want to know about a good dating site) and focus on the negative things he did.

[Scorpio8647]

I'm trying to move on but it's really hard, my life is just a complete bore now. I'm trying to focus on my work and my studies but this just seems so boring. Most of my friends are busy in their own lives and I'm finding myself getting depressed and feeling lonely. I'm also finding it hard to meet new people or even make new friends for that matter. I have to just hold on and have faith in god to get me through all of this.

 

It's not fair because he was the one who did me wrong and yet he has a beautiful new girlfriend and he's happy while I was left alone. I was hurt in the worst way, he only used me for sex when the girl he is with now is the one he truly cared for. That's what's gotten me so depressed and bitter. I wish I never met the guy. I just can't seem to stay out of the past, I guess I like staying there because I was happier. I can't seem to face this cold reality and these past 10 months have been hell. There were some good points but this year has just been blah to me. The worst year.. I guess I'm ugly because it seems like no guy is interested in me. I went to a club with some friends last night & it made me feel worst, no one was ever interested in dancing with me so I just sat at a table and watched my other friends dance.

 

I just don't know how to be happy anymore..

[violingirl]

I feel almost exactly the same way as you, except that I do miss my ex,too, not just what we had together and it's been 2 1/2 years since he dumped me. Like you, my ex was the first man who ever completely understood me. I was so happy with him and we were, I thought, the perfect couple. I haven't been in another relationship since, not for lack of trying. I know how lonely it can be. I, too, feel like there is a missing void. My job (which is insanely stressful) and friends can only fulfill me so much. We all have certain needs and desires that can only be fulfilled via a relationship.

 

Cheating factored into the end of our relationship, too (he left me for one of his ex-girlfriends and cheated on me with another ex). It's the worst feeling in the world knowing that someone you loved so much and who you thought really loved you as well, not only had the capacity to betray you but actually did it. Meanwhile, I didn't so much as look or think about another man while we were together. As a result of all this, I doubt that I'll be able to trust anyone again.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

[stressedstill]

I too can identify with having had that special person in your life, and feeling the void when he-she is gone. i t hurts and is a very difficult time I know, having shed many tears along this road. The main thing is survival until healing takes place. I wish you peace in your life.

[Rainz]

Scorpio,

 

Sorry that you're hurting so much. Your thread resonated with me so much.

Like you I've been in NC for around 6 months or so now, after being dumped last year by the most special man I've ever had a relationship with thus far.

Like yourself and previous posters have said, that void, that emptiness, that loneliness that no matter what you do, where you go it's just there. I live that pain just like you.

 

I don't really have any words to just pick you up, just know that you're not alone in this.

[Scorpio8647]

Well it's good to know I'm not alone!

 

I just feel like venting right now! I miss the thrill he put in my life and that's what I couldn't find by myself, even before I met him. We could talk on the phone for hours about anything and he was so funny and charming. He made me laugh,I miss him calling me at night and falling asleep on the phone together. Now I just go to bed in an empty bed with no one. Apart of me wish he would come to his senses and realize he was a jerk and want me back. Sadly there are days where I look at my cell, hoping he'll call me to apologize at least or at least say I'm sorry. He treated me so cold when he broke it off, he wanted nothing to do with me. He treated me like I was a cheap prostitute.

 

I'm trying to put my focus on other guys, but I can't find anyone like him. I can't find anyone to have that charisma and that spark he had. Everyone just bores me to tears. There have been some guys that wanted to talk to me but it wasn't the same, the chemistry is just not there. Their cool to talk to but it just depresses me, I keep trying to find my ex in everyone I talk to and I know that it's wrong to do this. I know I literally set myself up with this.. I constantly check on his myspace page and it makes me feel so bad to see him and his girlfriend hugged up together in photos. They have so much more in common than I did with him. They've known each other since they were kids. they are both into the whole music industry and they write songs and sing together. They seem more like soul mates than I was with him That hurts because I'm so alone.. It seems like this will never end..

[benga]

Well it's good to know I'm not alone!

 

I'm trying to put my focus on other guys, but I can't find anyone like him. I can't find anyone to have that charisma and that spark he had. Everyone just bores me to tears. (

 

I would say bad idea!

 

Dating and leaning on others to help you heal is not a solution and should not be an option. At the moment you haven't found yourself yet, so what will you have to offer somebody else? Dating to ease yourself of pain is selfish and not fair to the other person. Find yourself, find your feet, find your heart before you give yourself to somebody else....

 

Dating my temporarily give you relief from the pain.. But I gaurantee you, it will come back!

 

You don't need anybody in your life you keep you happy. Happiness is within... Love yourself before you love somebody else. If you don't find happiness within, it will be impossible for you to find it else where..

 

Focus is on you, your life, your happiness...

 

Cheers

Benga

[bubblyblonde11]

I think thinking about the good times is natural hey been there done that myself but remind yourself of the crap too, his bad points, write them down this might help remind you. I also did this so you can refer back too anytime you feel sentimental.

 

You will find someone who deserves YOU and will treat you right.

 

YOU just haven't stumbled accross anyone worthy of you & all you have to offer yet.

 

Keep you chin up.

[LostInTransition]

It's been 4 months since the definitive breakup for me, 4 months NC only broken by a mail from her and a text from me -not replying each other-. I still have her in my mind what I consider are too many minutes each day. I no longer cry for it and it doesn't disturb my daily routine like it did at the begginnig -really it did so for a couple months in which I could no nothing-. I no longer feel the pain as strong as it was.

However it seems the whole story is just being kept deep inside me without it being really processed and this is what won't let me go on. On the other hand I feel like there is not really much more to think about: as she said in her mail "sometimes things just happen like this" -don't know what was she referring to really: the pain she caused me, the relationship ending, the fact that she was with another guy right away or even before breaking up with me, who knows-. So probably there is nothing else to think about and the only way out is forgetting her and everything that happened during our 3,5 year relation, including the best and the worse, because otherwise I don't think I'll ever be able to move on.

It makes me sad to think that while she's probably having a great time (I know this is what we always tend to think and there are just as many chances that she's not) I'm still thinking on her. It's not that I'm not moving on... in fact I've had a great summer, much better than what I thought it would be without her,... but I'm still in what I've called the IDEALIZING PHASE in which I think there's nothing like being with her. I know that if I saw her I'd probably remember all the negative side of our relationship which I seem to have forgotten now, and realize she's no longer the girl with whom I fell in love some years ago. However without being able to believe all these rational ideas I still want her back. I want to see her eyes looking into mine as they did -probably they wouldn't be the same, I know-.