Is there a cure for a *rational* fear of rejection? Have I become ugly?

[vp83]

I've heard a lot of people throw around the phrase "I have an irrational fear of rejection". By irrational, I must assume this means that, while they have not been rejected before, they are afraid to have it happen at all.

 

I have an opposite problem. I never used to have fear of rejection. I considered myself intelligent, funny, different, definitely not rude or annoying, and pretty good looking. That was the past. I don't know which of these things I was wrong about, but over the last few years, I have been quite brutally and rudely turned down even when I'm just trying to make conversation. It's not like I'm walking up to girls and saying "Hey baby, you're hot, lets ****". No, I'm talking about friendly attempts at conversation.

 

Either I've had such luck that I've run into the rudest women in the city for years, or something is extremely unattractive about me. Because of this, I have now developed what I call, a "rational" fear of rejection. It's something I never used to have, but after so many times being turned down when I had the best of intentions, it becomes very disenchanting.

 

How can I build my self confidence back to the level where it needs to be? I've posted in another of the forums here about my problems meeting women, and I think this is a big part of it. I just can't summon the willpower to say to myself "Oh well, that's the past, get over it, you're a good guy". No matter what I try to tell myself, I still have a lingering subconscious skepticism that are a result of past failures and humiliations.

 

I feel like I have become ugly. Not necessarily to the opposite sex, but to myself. I've always believed physical attraction is important, but I also always considered myself to be of average looks and with enough quality of personality to make it a non-issue. As I said, however, times have changed, and with it, perspective.

 

I never really wanted to do this, and I feel a bit guilty and stupid for actually going through with it, but I need to know something. Below is a link to a few pictures of myself. I'm not putting these here for a confidence booster. If you don't think I'm attractive, I prefer you say so, rather than let me infer from silence. I'm putting these here because I want to know if I am correct in my assumption that I am simply not attractive to most women.

 

I promise, I'm at the point where I'm not going to be hurt by criticism. I just want to know if I'm imagining things and projecting my belief as an excuse for my inability to meet women.

 

I apologize in advance if this post comes through as winy or pathetic. I will admit I've been lonely for a while now and it does undesirable things to a person.

 

Well, without further ado...

 

link removed

 

There are some more photos of me at link removed with my band.. which is a whole lot of fun but also a big joke (I might be wearing a pink headband, makeup, and ridiculous clothing in them). If you feel the desire to see me in such a comical manner, feel free to check there too.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

yes there is a cure its free and i can prescribe it

 

meet your fear head on and stop trying too go around it

 

and im not going too look at your pics, humans are inconsistant some will think your ugly some will think your pretty get used too it

[LostInMyThoughts]

In this game, there players are always gonna get into a slump. Hell the best batters in baseball only hit like .360. That means only 1 out of 3 at-bats is a base hit!

 

I checked your pic, and naw dude, you aint ugly. And even if you were, it's all about confidence.

 

I think part of the issue is how you judge your selfworth (in this case whether you are ugly or not). If girls don't respond to you, that means you're ugly.

 

No.

 

That just means you're like everyone else.

 

I guarantee you, if you bought a nice hundred thousand dollar Porsche, and a couple fancy armani suits, you'd have a lot of women on you. Does that mean those things made you more beautiful?

 

Don't let this stuff get you down. I know it's easier said than done. I went through a similar phase. Just keep stepping up to the plate, and swing away. Eventually you'll connect.

 

Gretzky had this great quote--something like "100% of the shots you don't take, won't go in."

[crookster_man]

you are an ugly fu*k.

 

Happy? Dude getting girls has less to do with how you look and a hell of a lot to do with your attitude, your confidence and your perception of self worth.

 

You look fine, so that is hardly the problem. You need to address the other issues I mentioned. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. (ie reality is in the mind)

[ghost69]

only way to overcome fear = try try try. i've been rejected many times. does it hurt? nope.

 

so the only way to get used to it is like the others said...head on. you can't learn to ride a bike by parachuting.

[Royale]

If you want an honest physical assessment from a (one and in the end rather unimportant) woman I'd give it to you, but basically all the things all the guys that have said above you is true. Just keep yourself up, have a nice engaging personality and you'll eventually luck out.

 

Of all the women in this world that increase the chances of you eventually finding someone, but remember that also increases the amount of failures in between. For everyone. Don't let it defeat you.

[scotty77]

Where are you approaching women? That might have something to do with them being rude to you.I am no expert but I think there are likely certain times and places that it really isn't a smart move to approach a woman.

[RayF]

Dude I hear you. it sucks. I've had some very hot/kind/amazing women in my day, and been rejected by some very hot women too. Regardless I've been single now for a couple years and as much as I try and pretend its okay I'm lonely too and more and more I find myself wanting a girlfriend. At the very least a few hook ups (I know that sounds shallow, I'd prefer a girlfriend but I'd just be happy with anyone that I kinda liked to be into me) The problem is, its just not happening to me. I had a streak a while back but its been dryyyyyyy for sooo long now. and I know its not my looks because I look the same and have had many compliments, but the problem I just don't feel it. And I think its infectious because that low self confidence keeps getting lower and its closing doors for me. I know I'm totally above average looking and a good guy, I get attention every time I g out but I never have the courage to talk to a girl or feel like I have nothing to say. Or maybe rationalize that if I do nothing there will be no chance of rejection.

 

It does't help that my best fiend is gorgeous. All this guy has to do is walk down the street and he can pick up girls without him even trying. I kid you not. And yeah, thats hard to compete with but If you ask him he says his success ratio with girls is less than 50%.

 

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no one on the planet can get any woman they want. Some will blow you off. Some will want to just be friends.

 

Always remember its quality and not quantity. The right girl may be three years away from you, but when you do find her isn't it better t have found her, and know she likes you for the right reasons than to have tried it out with a bunch of girls that never really liked you, or you had to work for, or worried about weather or not they liked you when they didn't?

 

Be true to yourself. NEVER sell yourself short under any circumstances.

 

Looking at your pics, you're not a bad looking guy but you could improve, the thing is though, we all could improve. But addittude is first and foremost and believe me I know its hard. It just takes getting used to the fact that not everyone will like you're looks, your personality, your work, the way you express yourself, your opinions. But they are YOURS so when you own them and know who you are it is the greatest thing you'll ever achieve.

 

I know a guy that looks exactly like you, guy has no self confidence problems and talks to everybody. Some blow him off, but I went on a trip with him last year and he is the only one out of the three of us that picked up any women because he talks to everyone and doesn't care what they think about him.

We all go through a lot of crap to find a decent girl (especially us guys with lower confidence) Hang tight it will be a bumpy but rewarding ride.

[Dating Coach]

How do you generally approach these women whom "rudely reject you"?

[Luke Skywalker]

I guess theoretically these hot girls get approached allot by guys, so it wouldn't really be a rejection per say, but that you really didn't stand out from the majority of guys that approach. Everybody is approaching these hot babes in different ways, and saying "Hey, you are hot, let's ****", and starting a friendly convo, becomes the same thing for them as they think every guy wants to get into her pants or get a relationship with her, and unless the guy is some sort of prize in a stand-out way, they are not going to give the time of day. Thus they are likely to behave that way with everyone with should to some extent depersonalize the rejection experience.

They'll do it to me, and probably most guys on this board.

 

My guess is that your attempts at friendly conversations come accross as a lame sort of approach they are used to getting. That's sort of the Catch-22, unless you have some unique approach that stands out and your value is increased in the process it's quite difficult to make that impression that stands out from the crowd, but you are not likely to have that edge unless you are already poplular with girls in the first place, hence the adage, women would rather share a winner than have a faithful loser. The best way is always if they approach you and somehow establish your value beforehand.

[Dating Coach]

That is right. If you're appearing as "just another jerkoff" then your going to be causing all of these girls to raise their defensive barriers from the moment you start talking. It's only going to be that much harder to get them to take the time to see "you". Why should they if you look lke every other guy? She doesn't owe you anything. You need to set yourself apart from the start.

 

Give us examples of how you've been doing your approaching and be honest.